Suppressing my emotions

  • 11 Replies
  • 203 Views
*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 625
Suppressing my emotions
« on: October 10, 2017, 02:02:33 AM »
Anyone else who is or was married to a PD feel that you had to suppress your emotions around them?
In th beginning, I wore my heart on my sleeve. Now, I’ve learned that any negative emotion (anger, sadness etc) elicits extreme discomfort from H, or will trigger an emotional outburst from him (ironically).
He made me feel so bad for crying at something sad and horrible on the news once; it’s like I was traumatized by his shaming and blaming me that I never want to cry in front of him again. Tonight, I’m having trouble falling asleep so I was reading the news on my phone and saw a horrible story. I get really affected by stories involving children. I want to pick up DD from her bed and hold her all night now. Anyway, I’m actually scared to cry because I don’t want him to hear me. That’s not normal, is it? I’m not comfortable expressing my true feelings with him. This made me more upset, because all I really want is someone to comfort me, hug me and listen. I’m married and living with him but I feel so alone.
Anyway, bottling up my emotions this way really isn’t ME. I feel like I’ve become numb just to function while being married to him. If I express the tiniest bit of normal human anger, I can see him tensing up.
I don’t like who I have to be around him.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2017, 02:07:58 AM by Mintstripes »

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1388
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2017, 02:10:17 AM »
Such a sad state of affairs. You have to hide your emotions to protect him? yourself?

*

flybluebirdfly

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 352
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2017, 04:30:48 AM »
Yes.  In the end this is why he called me so cold and a frosty ďBĒ.

Happiness was sometimes ok if It wasnít something for myself (like a personal accomplishment or doing something fun for myself)

Sad/angry = I was hiding something and it really wasnít about whatever reason I was fixing. There must be something else im not telling him.

Frustration = not caring enough about his Mh/stress/emotions etc.

I have completely changed and hope the old me comes back someday.

*

CoffeeCup2

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 147
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2017, 09:16:58 AM »
Yes, uPDh got mad at me for crying over something. According to him, Iím the one that doesnít cry over those things. Iím the one who remains strong. Iím the one being stupid for crying. Yet, he gets mad at me for not opening up and telling him how Iím feeling.

*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 625
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2017, 09:51:22 AM »
Such a sad state of affairs. You have to hide your emotions to protect him? yourself?

I guess it’s part of walking on eggshells and avoiding his blaming and rages. Of course, sometimes he does that anyway.
He consistently blames me whenever I express real emotion. It’s like he wants a robot Stepford wife with a plastic Barbie smile who will have dinner and freshly baked cookies ready every night and no opinions of her own. Not reality!

I just remembered something from about a month ago. Someone had posted something really horrible on social media (I reported it and it was removed). It really, really upset me and I took a chance and told H about it. I didn’t hold back. Said I was horrified, that it made me really upset, that I am unfollowing the person who posted it, etc.

Well, right on schedule, he BLAMED ME!!! He did the placating he does at times (“you’re right, that’s terrible”) then erupted into a tirade a few minutes later, blaming me for looking at social media. “Stop looking at it! You have no one to blame but yourself!”

I might as well walk around with a sheet over my head, too, then!
It’s exactly how he reacted when I cried about the story with the baby last year and he yelled at me. Blamed ME for reading it. “Stop looking for these things! Do you do it on purpose? Is it the only way you can feel anything?”
 :stars:

Inferring that I purposely seek out sad and terrible news stories. He twists everything around to blame me.  :doh:

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1388
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2017, 12:32:33 AM »
Sounds  like you are blamed and raged at either way - if you hide your feelings or show them.

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 13278
  • Says who? Really says who? Question everything.
    • FOG vs Love
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2017, 07:51:40 AM »
Although my situation is different my battle with emotions was intense. One thing that helped was the blog and books by Karla McLaren. Her point of view is that emotions are simply signals to the body and if we can get in touch with our emotions at the very lowest level and effectively express ourselves at that point we can keep our emotions more steady without the need for them to escalate as much. Not sure if it might help or work in your situation but figured I'd put it out there for you to explore if you'd like.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips.

*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 625
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2017, 08:24:34 AM »
Although my situation is different my battle with emotions was intense. One thing that helped was the blog and books by Karla McLaren. Her point of view is that emotions are simply signals to the body and if we can get in touch with our emotions at the very lowest level and effectively express ourselves at that point we can keep our emotions more steady without the need for them to escalate as much. Not sure if it might help or work in your situation but figured I'd put it out there for you to explore if you'd like.

Thanks. I donít have an issue with my emotions escalating, I think Iím doing a pretty good job of functioning and being in survival mode while Iím going through all this nonsense with H, planning my exit etc. Itís more about how exhausting his reactions are.

*

Me_Again

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 305
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2017, 11:44:15 AM »
Oh yeah, I eventually became cold and numb. If I cried, yelled, or anything in between, I was "overreacting." I remember one time that his brother allowed one of his FB friends to (basically) verbally assault me over a comment I made on xBIL's FB post. I actually had uNPDxH read my comment before I posted it since uNPDxH had experience with the subject matter, and I wanted to make sure my facts were correct. As the FB verbal abuse escalated throughout the day, xBIL stayed silent (knew he was on FB at the time since he had commented on other posts), and uNPDxH also stayed silent. I called uNPDxH as I was waiting to pick up DS from school and told uNPDxH how hurt I was by his brother, and I started crying. Good old uNPDxH then blamed me for commenting on his brother's post (even though uNPDxH had read my comment and knew I was going to post it) and said something along the lines of "Why do you comment?" and that made me cry more since I felt like I was being blamed for being verbally assaulted and for not being supported in any way by his brother. Then of course, according to him, I was overreacting. That situation was a small but crucial turning point for me. After ending the call, I sat in my car and cried and KNEW that uNPDxH didn't "have my back" and never had. I was alone in my marriage and always had been.

After being told I was overreacting for years (actually decades), I tuned into someone I didn't recognize. I was always on edge and became cold. Can you guess what I was accused of then?  Under reacting! 😂😂 I stopped caring. It was a game, and it was always set up for uNPDxH to win.

*

findingmywaybacktome

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 70
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2017, 03:08:32 PM »
Hello Mintstripes,

I think the answer to your question is both no and yes.
No, it's not normal.
But, it is normal for your situation.
It sounds like you are being conditioned not to cry. So...you don't (or try not to), even though it's normal to cry when we hear sad stories.

I still have trouble feeling my emotions.
I have trouble identifying what I'm feeling.
I have trouble finding word names to express them.
I have trouble vocalizing my feelings to another person. (I practice on my dog. It's helping.)
I have trouble writing about my feelings. (I think this forum is helping with that. Being anonymous helps with the fear factor.)

And I had none of these troubles before my marriage.

Conditioning is a terrible thing. Resist it. You are a feeling person who cries. Go ahead and cry. (Just wait til you're alone if you feel you'll just get more fake-anger. Better to greyrock them than feed them.)

Em

*

Shell92127

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 493
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2017, 07:56:59 AM »
Oh yeah, I eventually became cold and numb. If I cried, yelled, or anything in between, I was "overreacting." I remember one time that his brother allowed one of his FB friends to (basically) verbally assault me over a comment I made on xBIL's FB post. I actually had uNPDxH read my comment before I posted it since uNPDxH had experience with the subject matter, and I wanted to make sure my facts were correct. As the FB verbal abuse escalated throughout the day, xBIL stayed silent (knew he was on FB at the time since he had commented on other posts), and uNPDxH also stayed silent. I called uNPDxH as I was waiting to pick up DS from school and told uNPDxH how hurt I was by his brother, and I started crying. Good old uNPDxH then blamed me for commenting on his brother's post (even though uNPDxH had read my comment and knew I was going to post it) and said something along the lines of "Why do you comment?" and that made me cry more since I felt like I was being blamed for being verbally assaulted and for not being supported in any way by his brother. Then of course, according to him, I was overreacting. That situation was a small but crucial turning point for me. After ending the call, I sat in my car and cried and KNEW that uNPDxH didn't "have my back" and never had. I was alone in my marriage and always had been.

After being told I was overreacting for years (actually decades), I tuned into someone I didn't recognize. I was always on edge and became cold. Can you guess what I was accused of then?  Under reacting! 😂😂 I stopped caring. It was a game, and it was always set up for uNPDxH to win.

yes-yes it was a game for me too-one i could never win--the rules were always changing ! i bent over backwards trying to help my ex bf and i became a different person. no contact broke the trauma bond.

*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 625
Re: Suppressing my emotions
« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2017, 12:04:43 PM »
Findingmywayback: I absolutely agree about not feeding him. I donít show my emotions generally, I live inside my head. Itís given me peace of mind to know that I KNOW myself, Iíve given up trying to make him see me for me. Thereís no point. I can be honest with my best friend and my therapist, so at least I have outlets and can share my true emotions with some other people.
You just canít be completely yourself with a PD spouse. Everything is somehow used against me or twisted.