Do you feel you have to work harder?

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Associate of Daniel

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Do you feel you have to work harder?
« on: October 09, 2017, 03:05:41 AM »
Do you feel you have to work harder at being yourself around pd's friends? Or be extra good/nice around them?

Eg:  Ds plays a team sport.  Training one night per week and a weekly game.  He's been doing it for about 2 years now.

His NSmum ingratiated herself straight away into the limelight, becoming the team manager. Her H (my u/npd exH) created a role for himself as "team photographer".

I steer clear of them at every session. It's too dangerous for me to even say "hello" to them. I deliberately sit at the end of the bench, as far away as possible from them. I leave as soon  as possible after the game/session.

Consequently,  I'm not as "in" with the other parents as I could be. We're friendly but I'm not really in the loop.

It's not helped by ex and his nWife leaving me out of all communication they have to send to the parents.

I was hoping that after 2 years the other parents might have noticed my pds' real personas but they seem totally enamoured with them still.

I haven't broadcast the difficulties (relevant to the sport) that I have with my pds. But I have spoken quietly to a few of the other parents as I've needed their assistance in getting the information that the pds haven't included me in.

I find it frustrating that the other parents are so enamoured with the pds, even though some of them know what's been going on.
It makes me want to throw up sometimes.

I feel like I have to work 10 times harder at being my normal nice,  friendly self with the rest of the parents. I assume they've been told all sorts of lies about me.

Does anyone else feel this?

AOD

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Do you feel you have to work harder?
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2017, 02:25:00 PM »
Yes, it makes me bitter too when other people just won't see what kind of a person they are dealing with.

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findingmywaybacktome

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Re: Do you feel you have to work harder?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2017, 04:30:09 PM »
Hi AOD,

If you have to work harder, are you being yourself?
Shouldn't it be easier to be ourselves?

Idk, it seems to me that I worked so hard in my marriage...was always working, working, working, trying, trying, trying - to be who he wanted me to be, to jump through all those hoops and over those ever-rising hurdles in an attempt to please him...and it just all led me farther and farther away from myself, from who I am.

Maybe you are feeling this way because you feel the need to protect yourself? It seems to me that the way you are describing it sounds like the way I feel at work - when I'm around coworkers I know are pds. I'm not able to relax around them and, so, get that feeling of 'trying' to be myself (but not quite myself, since I want them to get away from me asap...a rather boring, greyrocky, version of myself). This 'feeling of trying to be myself' has actually become a red flag, of sorts. I've caught myself doing it, automatically, with someone and sort of did a mental double take and...pondered...about this new person and why I was feeling this way. (Actually, anytime I feel *anything* I felt while 'with' my husband makes me pause and reflect now.)

It's unlikely that the other parents will ever see beyond the mask. (I only saw beyond my own husband's because he started taking it off.) If someone does, it will probably either be another pd or someone who was in a relationship with one and came ootf.
I don't hold this blindness against them. They're just...blind. They can't see it anymore than I could. We know they're capable of fooling mental health professionals...and lie detectors. (Scary, but true.) So...I don't hold a grudge against my husband's family for believing his slander. (It does make me sad, though. I miss them.) I think they truly believe him. I did. I believed all the lies he told me about his first wife...and the thousands that came afterward. He's very...believable. His kind, caring, gentle mask is...unbelievably...good.

I don't feel the need to be extra nice around pds. But I do feel the need to be cautious.
Pretty much the last thing I would want is for a psychopath to know that I know he is one.
(And if any of you suspect your pd might be, please resist the urge to even obliquely hint to them that you do.)
And I feel the need to be boring, very boring, as unlike a tasty morsel as I can be.
(Maybe I should re-think my new red hair color, lol.)

Em

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Siren

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Re: Do you feel you have to work harder?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2017, 04:35:26 PM »
I totally understand this because so many PDs have bouts of manic energy and can turn on the charm easily. It's so exhausting for us to be fake, and most of us are just good 'ole normal folk, so I understand. It's okay to steer-clear -- remember, you don't have to work as hard because you're not trying to sit at the popular table -- that's what maturity does to us nons, so just keep in mind that it's an illusion. They're just not all that likable once you get to know them.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

― Carl Jung