So who has been "working on it" the longest?

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InHidingWithMacSeth

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So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« on: October 09, 2017, 11:13:51 PM »
I don't even mean the years of your life you wasted early on... I mean, after that period of time where you had the "something's very wrong here" thought, after you have said "this isn't normal", and after you pinpointed some kind of PD, diagnosed or not.

I lasted something like 7 months, but the beginning of what I would consider point blank unacceptable behavior, the beginning of the end, it was 8 days shy of one year. I can't IMAGINE one more week.

No one is a bottomless pit of giving, but some are bottomless pits of taking.

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tenlongyears

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2017, 08:55:46 AM »
For me, I actually first decided to leave, at that time I did not know where to point out about what was wrong - that it is PD. But it was just not wrong in my life but extremely wrong with whatever was happening and I just decided that I am ready to take all the blame of breaking the family, dreams and beautiful home, but I have to leave, not wondering whether I am doing right or wrong, are my feelings about his unhealthy behaviour  right or wrong. Not thinking much that my marriage has failed where as all the people around me are thriving and happy. It was only after I left and started talking to people, someone told me about PD and I got directed here. However after reading a lot about PD and experiences of other I felt resolute to not go back and started the process of divorce. I am not sure if I would have been able to pin point his PD before leaving how long I would have lasted, may be not much.

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InHidingWithMacSeth

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2017, 11:41:10 AM »
But how long was that? In your estimation that you worked on it? And I was/am hoping to hear from people who are still "working on it".
No one is a bottomless pit of giving, but some are bottomless pits of taking.

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FiveForFighting

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2017, 12:29:31 PM »
I remain "working on it" daily. Good days are few and far between. I have been with my uPDw for 20 years. The first indication I thought something was "off" and began digging into all the situations or red flags was in the 2001, 2002 time frame. To date, we still have the same circular discussions about all that I do not do for her and all the areas where I fall short. Intimacy, neglect, not prioritizing her, not valuing her. The last 2 years have been the worst given her depression, constant sicknesses, complaining and the like. Shes constantly triggered and takes it out on anyone in the house... shes gets mad at the dog when hes in her way. I am responsible for her getting everything she needs. I cannot meet all her needs and I was not designed to. I am there to protect and provide a buffer for my kids and I hope to get some physicality and love once in a while but that rarely happens. When, on occasion she is in a good mood, that can flash and we're back to being painted black; then she freezes me out, locks herself in our bedroom (her favorite thing to do) until shes ready to engage again. Then I even dont know what to say or what  can say do keep things moving forward without triggering her again. If I dont talk enough, IM ignoring her again and she leaves the room saying "i can be ignored someplace else" and leaves the room. No Win situations abound.... always. I could go on but theres not enough room on the internet. I continue to work on it and i know I am an enabler and I am fighting to change myself and work on me as well. Its been a long time.

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Hattie

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2017, 04:53:49 PM »
8 years! One thing is; stay or go, I feel like I've learnt a hell of a lot through this relationship. I really have been working so hard on myself as well as on the relationship and I feel that it has definitely not been a waste of time, as I am now a much more mature and grounded person...

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InHidingWithMacSeth

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2017, 12:18:37 AM »
Hattie! That sounds so positive! Saying you don't really consider it a waste of time is really big because that is something that's made me pretty bitter on occasion.

I wanted to say "that's great", but I don't know if that would be true. I am guessing that it takes a lot of realizing you can't teach the person to feel the same way, realize you're going to be on your own with a lot of things, and there has to be a great deal of sacrifice involved, which I guess for me was the breaking point. The combination of those 3 things broke me. I couldn't do it anymore.

What is your reason for staying, if I might ask?
« Last Edit: October 14, 2017, 04:18:38 PM by Bloomie »
No one is a bottomless pit of giving, but some are bottomless pits of taking.

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Hattie

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2017, 01:49:04 PM »
Trite but: I love him. Also only came "Out of the FOG" this year so am on a process of testing how much change is possible given all the tools and knowledge I have now. Yes there is a lot of "radical acceptance"involved. That's ok for the moment. Time will tell if it will last. Don't beat yourself up.  You did the right thing for you. 

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New2this2

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2017, 06:09:35 AM »
 Ive been here nearly 19 years, but really not recognising the disorder till last year. I mean soo many red flags I ignored or maybe knew ( had an uncle with PD) but thought was normal behaviour so when I end up in a relationship with one, its familier, I know how to behave( justify, explain, let off,  saying to myself " they cant help it", all that self talk . I did it)  I got myself here, didnt leave when I could have, when other normal  people would have walked away. I didnt. I just replaced one PD for another much much worse one. And I have only myself to blame. So sorry not much help here, just a jelly who has lost herself somehow in the process. Also not quite sure what is normal either! :-[

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Widdershins3

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2017, 06:16:52 PM »
I don't even mean the years of your life you wasted early on... I mean, after that period of time where you had the "something's very wrong here" thought, after you have said "this isn't normal", and after you pinpointed some kind of PD, diagnosed or not.

I lasted something like 7 months, but the beginning of what I would consider point blank unacceptable behavior, the beginning of the end, it was 8 days shy of one year. I can't IMAGINE one more week.

33 years. I'm horrified to even type that, but it's true. We were married for about 2 weeks when he turned on me in anger because I'd said something critical about his then-current bromance (who later was diagnosed bi-polar). But I grew up with an abusive narcissistic mother, married a sociopath at 20 to escape her (!), then was trapped in an abusive job working for another sociopath.

So I stayed single for 9 years, hoping to recover enough to be able to choose a decent human being for my next partner. And I swear my current husband *seemed* like the nicest, kindest, funniest guy I'd ever met...until we were married. He's still that super nice guy to everyone else on earth. Just not to me. But I can't seem to leave, since the abuse is intermittent and the time between is so normal...and now I'm 70 and would lose so much if I left him. So I'm trying to make the best of it--focus on my wonderful friends, pets, my garden, art and sculpting of dolls.
I certainly wasn't happy. Happiness has to do with reason, and only reason earns it. What I was given was the thing you can't earn, and can't keep, and often don't even recognize at the time; I mean joy.

Ursula K. LeGuin

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2nice

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2017, 05:35:51 AM »
H #1 was 14 years, 3 separations, 2 kids

SO #2 is currently 8 years, 9 separations, 2 kids- currently sleeping sep rooms. No intimacy for months.

First a sex addict who assaulted my family members so I thought anything an improvement. The second rage-a-Holic who I have had intervention order on a few years ago for smashing house in anger

Pretty certain if I ever get out there will not be a 3.

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Rubytown

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2017, 01:52:54 PM »
17.5 years total

14 years married, codependent, unaware of PD

3.5 years still married, but with boundaries - very different interactions and environment
I'm thinking of this as my very long, patient escape plan.  I intend to survive, thrive, and never make this mistake again.  So my personal commitment is to continue healing within the (very detached) marriage so I will not fall prey to another narcissistic relationship.  Meanwhile, making plans on a practical level with goal toward escape and as close to NC as possible (3 children, one with special needs).

This is my "Shawshank Redemption."
"Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding."  Proverbs 3:13

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maymay22

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Re: So who has been "working on it" the longest?
« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2017, 07:08:17 PM »
Working on it for exactly one year.  Married 13 years and together 22.  Its been seven years since I discovered that he had cheated on me for the first time. But that wasn't the first time he was unfaithful...just the first time I found out.  There were red flags throughout our entire relationship. I can't believe I am still here. The more I forgave and stayed, the harder it was to go. Last November is when he fell off the deep end and I woke up and realized how manipulated and controlled I had been over the past 22 years.  We entered counseling and my Therapist told me about this site. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop.  I realized I wasn't the crazy one. It was him all along.  T basically told me to run for the hills. But easier said than done.  Mostly, I stay for my kids & finances.  If we sold our home and paid off debt, I could easily live on my own with my children; however that would mean giving them up to be alone with him every other weekend, at least.  I don't trust him with them.