Eggshells around the house

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Penguincat

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Eggshells around the house
« on: October 11, 2017, 01:32:05 PM »
I have to vent. My uBPD has gotten increasingly controlling about his space in the house for the past couple years. We have three elementary-age kids, so it's difficult to control where they go in the house sometimes. Rules: can't go downstairs if dad is down there, can't go back in the house if dad's in there and you're outside, shouldn't be on second floor making noise if dad is on third floor. And: I am not supposed to go upstairs to our third floor bedroom in the morning if he is up there, or if it's absolutely necessary I must text first. If you hear dad coming, you need to stay away from getting underfoot or passing through doorways at the same time.

It looks insane when I write all this down. Husband has gotten angry at me for infractions for each of the rules listed above. Or also angry at kids.

So this morning, my oldest son needed me to print an assignment. He had forgotten to ask me last night. So I gritted my teeth and printed (office is near bedroom) and texted to say I needed to come up and get it. Minutes later, husband came downstairs and started yelling at me because I'm so inconsiderate, he never gets any time alone in the house without having his privacy invaded, this is the second day in the row I screwed up (forgot to take my work clothes downstairs yesterday morning so I had to go back upstairs to change). He told me I should have left it upstairs and driven it to school after he left (which is crazy because school is far away and they will not contact kids with items from home during the school day, plus I had to get to work).

This is insane, right? I'm trying to do a reality check, like am I the crazy one?

So I got really upset and said I'm tired of walking around on eggshells, and that it's not always possible to avoid coming upstairs. So now we're not speaking, and it's going to be the usual apology demand tonight, and the usual multi-day fight. I'm exhausted. I hate it that every day I'm waiting for the angry blowup. I walk around with a knot in my stomach. I can't leave, so I just have to put up with this for the foreseeable future. Ugh.



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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2017, 01:58:07 PM »
Hi Penguincat, I do not have small children but I cannot imagine the 'rules' he has established are reasonable.   

I am sorry you are going through this.  Walking on eggshells and living with a PD is exhausting. 

((( hug )))

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2017, 02:08:29 PM »
Those are some dinosaur sized eggshells.

Thatís pretty darn rigid. Is it because he works some odd shifts and needs undisrupted sleep? (Iím gonna reach and deduce this is not the case...).

I would say boundaries need to be set for the rest of you ó ie we wonít but you on a weekend if you are sleeping in etc but otherwise everyone share this home.

But Iím new to this rodeo and as easy as it is for me to say that ó

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Me_Again

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2017, 02:09:03 PM »
You are not the crazy one. His "rules" are insane and not normal by any stretch of the imagination. How is this impacting your kids? How are you doing, day to day? This is one of those posts that make me think, "Gees, my uNPDxH wasn't so bad" (he was, but he never tried this crap with me).

Again, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

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Whiteheron

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2017, 04:58:04 PM »
Penguincat, you are not crazy. His "rules" are. IME, once you have kids, all privacy goes out the window. I don't even get privacy in the bathroom, and my kids are older!

I'm not exactly clear on how you being on the same floor of the house as him is considered an invasion of his privacy? And you should inconvenience your morning - getting the kids to school and yourself to work, because he didn't want you going up to the office to grab a piece of paper off of the printer? Because he was on the same floor as the office? Really? That's as insane as it sounds. This is not normal.

Grey rock, medium chill, try not to JADE. It seems he's setting up all these landmines just waiting for one of you to step on them so he has an excuse to rage and demand apologies.

If you have to go upstairs for something, you should absolutely be able to. If the kids are outside and want to come inside, they should be able to regardless if he's inside or not. If he's in need of privacy he can go into a bedroom or bathroom and lock the door. He shouldn't be able to lay claim to a floor, let alone the entire house!

It's not you, it's definitely him!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Wild Lupines

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2017, 06:51:13 PM »
You are not crazy. His rules are absolutely insane!!

I work from home as a single mom and I have minimal rules for while I'm working. I might tell them I have a conference call and ask them to keep it down. When my office door is closed knock first, please. That sort of stuff. NOTHING like this!!!

To outlaw kids from coming indoors when outside, from not being able to use entire floors of a house sounds abusive to me.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2017, 07:46:09 PM »
Sounds really extreme and I would be suspicious.  He needs heads up and privacy?  Parents don't get privacy the second kids are born.  Is he needing the heads up by text so he can hide what he is doing?  I find it really odd.  Its your home too.  Your kids home also.    Only a PD would put their own needs before their child who needs to make noise printing a school assignment. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Stay strong and protect your kids from the chaos.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2017, 08:13:11 PM »
I bet if the internet went out he would not be locked up in his private space.

This is beyond  suspicious and very likely involves, drugs, porn or online video communication, or something similar.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2017, 08:15:43 PM »
It is as much your and your kids space as it is his. You have just as much right to it as he does.

You are not crazy!

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Me_Again

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2017, 05:57:22 AM »
I bet if the internet went out he would not be locked up in his private space.

This is beyond  suspicious and very likely involves, drugs, porn or online video communication, or something similar.

 :yeahthat:

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2017, 09:21:59 AM »
This is beyond  suspicious and very likely involves, drugs, porn or online video communication, or something similar.

I was thinking the same thing as 1footouttadefog.  Something fishy is going on that he doesn't want you or the kids to discover.

Anyone with a PD isn't in their right mind so it is hard for us non PD people to understand why they do or say the things they do.  When I finally accepted that my exBPD boyfriend was mentally ill I was able to help myself and stop worrying about what he was up to.

Be kind to yourself, it is easy to fall for their charm.  You are a kind, considerate person who is in a tricky situation.

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Penguincat

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2017, 04:42:51 PM »
Yeah he's not really the type to be having an affair or doing other illicit activities. I guess it could be porn. Mostly it seems like he's just being rigid and setting up a situation where he can always get angry at me for violating his rules. Also, it's intermittent reinforcement, so sometimes it's just fine if we need to come inside, etc. whereas other times he is furious. So I'm always on edge, never quite know what reaction to expect. I guess this a typical abuse tactic. I feel like he's emotionally abusing me, but he tells me I'm the problem etc etc. Still coming Out of the FOG.....

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2017, 06:39:01 PM »
Whatís he doing?  Sleeping??

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2017, 09:52:54 PM »
We can’t know, but my initial thought wasn’t that he was necessarily hiding something, more that he was trying to control and dominate.

What justification could he possibly have for getting angry when his kids come in to their own home? Kids need to feel like they have a home and a safe space. This must be very disconcerting, confusing and frightening to them.

It’s amazing how abusive and controlling men can manipulate those around them so that their needs are the only needs taken in to account. I know, I’ve been on the receiving end of this behavior.

I hope you are able to find a resolution to this that gives you and your kids some peace and stability.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Eggshells around the house
« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2017, 01:14:50 AM »
What would happen if you told him calmly that this is your and the kids house too, you do not accept his rules anymore, and if he needs privacy he will have to find it in the garage?