Gray rock reactions

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flybluebirdfly

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Gray rock reactions
« on: October 12, 2017, 02:42:01 PM »
From replies on some of my other posts, as well as looking over the toolbox for ways to handle my own well being stbx ubph, and I think gray rock could give cause H to maybe become less interested in me and my desire to end this "dumpster fire of a marriage" (thanks to Mintstripes for that gem).

What reaction can I expect from him in the beginning?  Surely he will notice this new unreactive, bland and boring new me???  And push back?

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Mintstripes

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2017, 04:22:33 PM »
From replies on some of my other posts, as well as looking over the toolbox for ways to handle my own well being stbx ubph, and I think gray rock could give cause H to maybe become less interested in me and my desire to end this "dumpster fire of a marriage" (thanks to Mintstripes for that gem).

What reaction can I expect from him in the beginning?  Surely he will notice this new unreactive, bland and boring new me???  And push back?

Glad to be of service  ;D

I’m curious about this too. I really feel like snapping with him most of the time, like today he’s been following me around the house quoting scripture, going on and on about his own thoughts that I disagree with, acting snippy and curt with me etc
I feel like yelling “STOP TALKING TO ME THAY WAY!!! SHUT UP!!!”
But in the interest of being the level headed one here, I can’t and won’t. He’s driving me mad.

I have to gray rock too.

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kazzak

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2017, 05:25:13 PM »
But in the interest of being the level headed one here, I can’t and won’t.

It's important to remain level headed. As soon as you are not levelheaded/balanced/grounded, then there are 2 people out of balance. That is when things become unsafe. Someone can get hurt. If you remain level headed and balanced, it will help make sure you are safe.

I know it's tempting

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Mintstripes

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2017, 05:31:06 PM »
Yep, I agree kazzak.
My best friend, who knows what’s going on, says I’m a saint. I don’t see it that way... I’m not “putting up” with his behavior, criticism, jabs, outbursts etc. I’m simply biding my time.

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hanna3b

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2017, 05:40:24 PM »
I'm also interested in seeing the response to this.  I'm trying this technique to disengage from a BPD  friend and so far she's just ramped up the attention seeking, not gotten bored.  I w wonder if it works well in certain situations or with certain kinds of people?

It has certainly made life easier when dealing with my uPD  mother.  She would stalk me, turning up at events and places I said I was visiting, even when I vacationed far from home :(  Now that I  only talk about boring things and nothing personal, it's harder for her to do this. It took me a lot of practice to get good at keeping my mouth shut and my responses neutral! 

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kazzak

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2017, 05:40:39 PM »
Yes, it's almost beyond sainthood. It takes the skill set of the oldest n wisest monk in a monastery not to react. that's what i told my T at the time.

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Ellie307

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2017, 06:08:22 PM »
When I started grey rock with my exNbf, I didn't even know I was doing it and it certainly wasn't on purpose. I never knew of this way to detach until I joined this forum.
Looking back, I realize I was just so done with being treated that way. It was like a natural reaction once I realized he wasn't going to change.
I did experience the wrath from him almost daily. I was ignoring him, sleeping on the couch, and rarely spoke to him. It was extremely difficult to stay level headed while he spewed horrible, hurtful statements at me. He would even trash talk my daughters and my siblings. Anything to get a reaction out of me. He had no filter or boundaries with his words.
I too was just biding my time, trying to hold on to my sanity until I could get out. This was the worst time of our relationship. Anyone going thru this: I wish you the strength to see it thru, and the peace of mind knowing this will end and there is serenity on the other side.
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
"If there's one good piece of me left, I swear, it's mine and mine alone."

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Me_Again

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2017, 06:56:37 PM »
When I first started to Grey Rock the uNPDxH, it created a sh!tstorm and got really ugly a few times. One time, I was standing in he kitchen and he leaned into me, RAGING, and for the first time in 30 years of knowing him, I thought he was going to hit me. He didn't, but I never felt physically safe with him again.

Fast forward two years, and I LOVE to Grey Rock him and members of his family. It's actually fun now because I know it throws them off balance. I haven't perfected the technique, but I've gotten pretty good at it. 😀

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2017, 10:23:59 PM »
Grey rocking has brought forth a ton of different reactions from uPDh. The first few were massive blow ups because I didn’t care or support him enough. The other times he got mopey because I didn’t care or support him enough. Then, the final reaction was massive hoovering.

I’m still learning how to perfect grey rock despite what reaction I expect to get. But, I can see a tiny bit of him getting “fed up” with my lack of interest.  It’s such a pattern now that I know he’s about to become angry again because I don’t care or support him enough.

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Locked_out

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2017, 11:44:03 PM »
It’s actually been very effective for me. Difficult, because I am an open person and tend to naturally say what’s on my mind and trust people, so it has taken a lot of practice.

But, it has been very effective at resisting all my stbx’s manipulation tactics, both positive and negative. I don’t respond to his hoovering, his emotional blackmail, his guilt tripping, or his intimdation, threats, or rage.

Last night, it was rage. He finally is coming around to the reality of our divorce. He got all crazy and said awful, awful things to me. I understand and accept his right to his anger, but I just kept neutral, gave him short answers, resisted the urge to JADE.

It worked. He must’ve gotten it out of his system because five minutes later, he was fine and calm and nice. Even sent me sweet pictures of the kids today (coupled with another appeal to my guilt).

A wise poster on here told me more than once that they only have “a limited amount of tricks” which they will just try to use in different ways. This advice has been immensely helpful to me and allowed me to categorize, predict, and deal with the range of my husband’s behavior.

And it’s totally true. He thinks he is coming up with new things, but I have become an observer and just tell myself, okay, this is an appeal to my sentimentality. Now he is trying to burden me with guilt and obligation. This is him trying to intimidate me. Rage, it will pass.

Once you see through the tactics, you get stronger and it becomes easier. They might try harder, but it gets easier not to crack.

Gray rock the hell outta them. Keep reading and reading and reading the information here and elsewhere. They are transparent and predictable (as all humans are) and plenty of people have gone through it before you whose storied and experiences you can learn from.

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Kit99

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2017, 11:47:43 PM »
Rule #1 "Do not engage. Rule #2 "Do not engage." And repeat. 

There's a saying that goes something like this:
"Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides- the pig likes it."

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2017, 11:52:22 PM »
Rule #1 "Do not engage. Rule #2 "Do not engage." And repeat. 

There's a saying that goes something like this:
"Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides- the pig likes it."

Haha at the pig — and so true.
Thanks all, I value all the advice I get here and am going to gray rock so hard his head will spin.

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Palepinkpeony

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2017, 11:52:14 PM »

Haha at the pig — and so true.
Thanks all, I value all the advice I get here and am going to gray rock so hard his head will spin.

Oh his head will spin alright!  Prepare to be blamed for not caring enough, not trying hard enough in your relationship (whatever that may be) and just not being a good enough person in general, according to them.
Mine thinks I’m trying to control him when I don’t engage.  :stars:

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Locked_out

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2017, 01:10:38 AM »
I’m glad this topic came back up. I have been effectively gray rocking every day. Sometimes, I can’t believe how strong I am. The insults and degradation are predictable. My h monologues by email, so I stopped checking my emails. Eventually, I saw one where he REALLY let into me. Not gonna lie; it bothered me a little.

Hence my question. My husband called me a psychopath and said he can’t believe how unfeeling I am. I’m not. This is beyond painful for me, but I am just not allowing him to suck me back onto his rollercoaster of emotion—he loves me, he hates me, he’s glad we’re divorcing, please take him back. He has tried over and over again to appeal to how I felt when we were first dating. How good that was. This really hurts me, because I really do think fondly of that time and miss it.

I keep reading and reading and am now wondering the difference between gray rock and “blanking.” I fear my h thinks I am blanking him because it appears on the surface that our “happy” past never happened and he doesn’t exist to me anymore. I am only trying to protect myself from further manipulation. I have not forgotten those times, but can’t let him use them, dangle them like carrots, to hoover me back in.

I want nothing more than to talk with him. To let him know what I feel. But, I can’t. I am not safe with him emotionally. There is no talking, only war. He is only looking for weak spots. He only wants to win, not hear what I say. So, my silence is protective (which I have told him). He only wants to have one conversation—the one where he gets his way and I am not willing to have that conversation with him.

But, I still question myself and have a nagging feeling. Am I blanking him?

What is the difference?

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Plumcatcher

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2017, 09:00:58 AM »
Locked out - I have been there with the same feelings. I started looking at it as almost 2 different people. I greived the loss of the man I married, the relationship I thought I had,  he is no longer there (never was really). Any feelings I have of before the mask came off I try to recognize that time is gone and keep them in my heart as a lost friend as if there was a death.(best way I can describe it not great getting this out in words). So I have the good memories but am able to separate them from what he is and our relationship is now. Not sure if it helps or is even healthy way to go but it seems to have helped put me in a peaceful place about it all.

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zenagain

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2017, 11:16:38 AM »

I want nothing more than to talk with him. To let him know what I feel. But, I can’t. I am not safe with him emotionally. There is no talking, only war. He is only looking for weak spots. He only wants to win, not hear what I say. So, my silence is protective (which I have told him). He only wants to have one conversation—the one where he gets his way and I am not willing to have that conversation with him.


Silence is protective and silence is powerful !!    Stay strong and stay silent.

I have been in that same situation and when I broke the silence - I lost myself again to the world of my ucovertNPDw and am stuck again - having to start all over with my exit plan.

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Locked_out

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2017, 03:35:35 AM »
Locked out - I have been there with the same feelings. I started looking at it as almost 2 different people. I greived the loss of the man I married, the relationship I thought I had,  he is no longer there (never was really). Any feelings I have of before the mask came off I try to recognize that time is gone and keep them in my heart as a lost friend as if there was a death.(best way I can describe it not great getting this out in words). So I have the good memories but am able to separate them from what he is and our relationship is now. Not sure if it helps or is even healthy way to go but it seems to have helped put me in a peaceful place about it all.

Thanks, Plumcatcher. That is really helpful and an accurate representation of how I feel. I even told my husband during one argument that I needed time to “grieve” our failed relationship. He scoffed and said I was being insincere.

I cry a little when I am alone in my car, but it feels like my emotions, my life, my future is on hold until he is out of my space. I am hurting, but numb at the same time. There are many difficult feelings and it hurts to not be able to talk about them with him.

But, every day, he reminds me of why I am divorcing him. Why I must. The more silent I am, the more his true self is revealed.

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LittleDeb

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2017, 02:49:47 PM »
I want nothing more than to talk with him. To let him know what I feel. But, I can't. I am not safe with him emotionally. There is no talking, only war. He is only looking for weak spots. He only wants to win, not hear what I say. So, my silence is protective (which I have told him). He only wants to have one conversation—the one where he gets his way and I am not willing to have that conversation with him.

 :yeahthat: Exactly this!

I have been effectively practicing gray rock for over a year. The longer I practice it, the more it becomes my normal way of interacting with him. The biggest benefit of disengaging emotionally has been developing the ability to see our relationship more clearly. I'm finally finding myself again because I no longer feel obligated to him or care about saving our marriage.

I also started journaling this year, which gave me clarity when we would have a conflict (yes, this DID happen the way I remember; I'm no longer going to allow you to minimize your behavior or to blame me). In previous years, I considered journaling about our conflicts, but something about it felt wrong, like documenting all the negative stuff just demonstrated that I was a negative person. I now realize that by not documenting those encounters, I was actually enabling him to push me deeper into the FOG.

I was hoping that my lack of emotion would cause him to lose interest in our marriage so that ending it would be easier, but it seems to have the opposite effect and he’s in hoover mode instead. Constantly kissing me on the cheek when he enters or leaves a room (for God's sake, just leave me alone already), or asking "Is everything okay?” (yeah, I know you're not concerned about me, you just need reassurance for yourself), or offering to take us out to dinner multiple times a week. Again, this is about making himself look good to other people, as in "See how well I treat my family?” It's especially annoying when he has no problem spending hundreds of dollars a month on eating out, but questions why I bought a $14 hoodie on ebay for our son, or why I charged $3 at the local bakery instead of just using “the cash I give you." We never review any of his purchases by the way, only mine. Of course all our friends and family see is the generous guy who wants to please his family, not the controlling husband behind the scenes.

If he would just willingly leave me, things would be so much easier. When I think about the process of divorce and the expense of attorneys given the unlikelihood that mediation would even be a possibility due to his control issues, it becomes overwhelming sometimes.

I really just want out at this point. When I hear of other people getting divorced, I am not sad at all, only envious. I think, "What a relief that must be for them! I wish I could do that, too.” Due to a long list of reasons that I'll probably share in a different post, the timing isn't quite right yet. With some career retraining that I started in September of this year, I'm hoping by the end of next summer I will be in a position to leave.

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LucilleBluth

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2017, 11:16:33 PM »
Grey rock made my ex NPDH even worse. He would throw even bigger, scarier tantrums. Slam doors, swear, take off for hours to punish me, threaten to fight in front of the kids if I wouldn't pay attention to him, etc. It was like pouring gasoline on fire. I guess eventually it would have driven him to leave but in the mean time, given his emotional control issues and need for revenge/punishment, it led to him being violent and assaulting me physically and attempting to rape me a few times. Like he really couldn't tolerate the fact that I would no longer play along and let him bait me into a fight. I spent the last several years of our marriage with a separate bedroom with a locked door. My kids would come in there with me to sleep. The biggest thing that grey rock did was teach me to remove myself emotionally from his emotionally abusive crap so I could sit and watch (like a fly on the wall, or like I was watching a jackass in a movie), crystal clear, what was going on. That led to my getting a good NPD-expert therapist that helped me figure out how to legally be rid of him and keep custody of my kids.  So grey rock doesn't always work as far as making them bored of you. I guess if it was a coworker or extended family grey rock would work really well.

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TW53

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2017, 11:34:02 PM »
I want nothing more than to talk with him. To let him know what I feel. But, I can't. I am not safe with him emotionally. There is no talking, only war. He is only looking for weak spots. He only wants to win, not hear what I say. So, my silence is protective (which I have told him). He only wants to have one conversation—the one where he gets his way and I am not willing to have that conversation with him.

 :yeahthat: Exactly this!

I have been effectively practicing gray rock for over a year. The longer I practice it, the more it becomes my normal way of interacting with him. The biggest benefit of disengaging emotionally has been developing the ability to see our relationship more clearly. I'm finally finding myself again because I no longer feel obligated to him or care about saving our marriage.

I also started journaling this year, which gave me clarity when we would have a conflict (yes, this DID happen the way I remember; I'm no longer going to allow you to minimize your behavior or to blame me). In previous years, I considered journaling about our conflicts, but something about it felt wrong, like documenting all the negative stuff just demonstrated that I was a negative person. I now realize that by not documenting those encounters, I was actually enabling him to push me deeper into the FOG.

I was hoping that my lack of emotion would cause him to lose interest in our marriage so that ending it would be easier, but it seems to have the opposite effect and he’s in hoover mode instead. Constantly kissing me on the cheek when he enters or leaves a room (for God's sake, just leave me alone already), or asking "Is everything okay?” (yeah, I know you're not concerned about me, you just need reassurance for yourself), or offering to take us out to dinner multiple times a week. Again, this is about making himself look good to other people, as in "See how well I treat my family?” It's especially annoying when he has no problem spending hundreds of dollars a month on eating out, but questions why I bought a $14 hoodie on ebay for our son, or why I charged $3 at the local bakery instead of just using “the cash I give you." We never review any of his purchases by the way, only mine. Of course all our friends and family see is the generous guy who wants to please his family, not the controlling husband behind the scenes.

If he would just willingly leave me, things would be so much easier. When I think about the process of divorce and the expense of attorneys given the unlikelihood that mediation would even be a possibility due to his control issues, it becomes overwhelming sometimes.

I really just want out at this point. When I hear of other people getting divorced, I am not sad at all, only envious. I think, "What a relief that must be for them! I wish I could do that, too.” Due to a long list of reasons that I'll probably share in a different post, the timing isn't quite right yet. With some career retraining that I started in September of this year, I'm hoping by the end of next summer I will be in a position to leave.

Omg I could have written this. THANK YOU so validating