Gray rock reactions

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flybluebirdfly

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Gray rock reactions
« on: October 12, 2017, 11:42:01 AM »
From replies on some of my other posts, as well as looking over the toolbox for ways to handle my own well being stbx ubph, and I think gray rock could give cause H to maybe become less interested in me and my desire to end this "dumpster fire of a marriage" (thanks to Mintstripes for that gem).

What reaction can I expect from him in the beginning?  Surely he will notice this new unreactive, bland and boring new me???  And push back?

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Mintstripes

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2017, 01:22:33 PM »
From replies on some of my other posts, as well as looking over the toolbox for ways to handle my own well being stbx ubph, and I think gray rock could give cause H to maybe become less interested in me and my desire to end this "dumpster fire of a marriage" (thanks to Mintstripes for that gem).

What reaction can I expect from him in the beginning?  Surely he will notice this new unreactive, bland and boring new me???  And push back?

Glad to be of service  ;D

Iím curious about this too. I really feel like snapping with him most of the time, like today heís been following me around the house quoting scripture, going on and on about his own thoughts that I disagree with, acting snippy and curt with me etc
I feel like yelling ďSTOP TALKING TO ME THAY WAY!!! SHUT UP!!!Ē
But in the interest of being the level headed one here, I canít and wonít. Heís driving me mad.

I have to gray rock too.

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kazzak

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2017, 02:25:13 PM »
But in the interest of being the level headed one here, I canít and wonít.

It's important to remain level headed. As soon as you are not levelheaded/balanced/grounded, then there are 2 people out of balance. That is when things become unsafe. Someone can get hurt. If you remain level headed and balanced, it will help make sure you are safe.

I know it's tempting

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Mintstripes

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2017, 02:31:06 PM »
Yep, I agree kazzak.
My best friend, who knows whatís going on, says Iím a saint. I donít see it that way... Iím not ďputting upĒ with his behavior, criticism, jabs, outbursts etc. Iím simply biding my time.

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hanna3b

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2017, 02:40:24 PM »
I'm also interested in seeing the response to this.  I'm trying this technique to disengage from a BPD  friend and so far she's just ramped up the attention seeking, not gotten bored.  I w wonder if it works well in certain situations or with certain kinds of people?

It has certainly made life easier when dealing with my uPD  mother.  She would stalk me, turning up at events and places I said I was visiting, even when I vacationed far from home :(  Now that I  only talk about boring things and nothing personal, it's harder for her to do this. It took me a lot of practice to get good at keeping my mouth shut and my responses neutral! 

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kazzak

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2017, 02:40:39 PM »
Yes, it's almost beyond sainthood. It takes the skill set of the oldest n wisest monk in a monastery not to react. that's what i told my T at the time.

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Ellie307

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2017, 03:08:22 PM »
When I started grey rock with my exNbf, I didn't even know I was doing it and it certainly wasn't on purpose. I never knew of this way to detach until I joined this forum.
Looking back, I realize I was just so done with being treated that way. It was like a natural reaction once I realized he wasn't going to change.
I did experience the wrath from him almost daily. I was ignoring him, sleeping on the couch, and rarely spoke to him. It was extremely difficult to stay level headed while he spewed horrible, hurtful statements at me. He would even trash talk my daughters and my siblings. Anything to get a reaction out of me. He had no filter or boundaries with his words.
I too was just biding my time, trying to hold on to my sanity until I could get out. This was the worst time of our relationship. Anyone going thru this: I wish you the strength to see it thru, and the peace of mind knowing this will end and there is serenity on the other side.
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
"If there's one good piece of me left, I swear, it's mine and mine alone."

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Me_Again

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2017, 03:56:37 PM »
When I first started to Grey Rock the uNPDxH, it created a sh!tstorm and got really ugly a few times. One time, I was standing in he kitchen and he leaned into me, RAGING, and for the first time in 30 years of knowing him, I thought he was going to hit me. He didn't, but I never felt physically safe with him again.

Fast forward two years, and I LOVE to Grey Rock him and members of his family. It's actually fun now because I know it throws them off balance. I haven't perfected the technique, but I've gotten pretty good at it. 😀

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2017, 07:23:59 PM »
Grey rocking has brought forth a ton of different reactions from uPDh. The first few were massive blow ups because I didnít care or support him enough. The other times he got mopey because I didnít care or support him enough. Then, the final reaction was massive hoovering.

Iím still learning how to perfect grey rock despite what reaction I expect to get. But, I can see a tiny bit of him getting ďfed upĒ with my lack of interest.  Itís such a pattern now that I know heís about to become angry again because I donít care or support him enough.

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Locked_out

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2017, 08:44:03 PM »
Itís actually been very effective for me. Difficult, because I am an open person and tend to naturally say whatís on my mind and trust people, so it has taken a lot of practice.

But, it has been very effective at resisting all my stbxís manipulation tactics, both positive and negative. I donít respond to his hoovering, his emotional blackmail, his guilt tripping, or his intimdation, threats, or rage.

Last night, it was rage. He finally is coming around to the reality of our divorce. He got all crazy and said awful, awful things to me. I understand and accept his right to his anger, but I just kept neutral, gave him short answers, resisted the urge to JADE.

It worked. He mustíve gotten it out of his system because five minutes later, he was fine and calm and nice. Even sent me sweet pictures of the kids today (coupled with another appeal to my guilt).

A wise poster on here told me more than once that they only have ďa limited amount of tricksĒ which they will just try to use in different ways. This advice has been immensely helpful to me and allowed me to categorize, predict, and deal with the range of my husbandís behavior.

And itís totally true. He thinks he is coming up with new things, but I have become an observer and just tell myself, okay, this is an appeal to my sentimentality. Now he is trying to burden me with guilt and obligation. This is him trying to intimidate me. Rage, it will pass.

Once you see through the tactics, you get stronger and it becomes easier. They might try harder, but it gets easier not to crack.

Gray rock the hell outta them. Keep reading and reading and reading the information here and elsewhere. They are transparent and predictable (as all humans are) and plenty of people have gone through it before you whose storied and experiences you can learn from.

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Kit99

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2017, 08:47:43 PM »
Rule #1 "Do not engage. Rule #2 "Do not engage." And repeat. 

There's a saying that goes something like this:
"Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides- the pig likes it."

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: Gray rock reactions
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2017, 08:52:22 PM »
Rule #1 "Do not engage. Rule #2 "Do not engage." And repeat. 

There's a saying that goes something like this:
"Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides- the pig likes it."

Haha at the pig ó and so true.
Thanks all, I value all the advice I get here and am going to gray rock so hard his head will spin.