Dreading the holidays

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mimzy

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Dreading the holidays
« on: October 12, 2017, 06:47:59 PM »
I know Iím projecting and living in the future. Nevertheless, Iíve allowed my UBPD family members to rule over me. I have done so much JADEing of late and Iím spiritually empty at the moment. Iím going on a 12 step retreat in seven days so I know that will help. My brain is in total fight or flight mode. I canít believe I allowed my UBPD sister to come stay with me last weekend. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought we would have more pros than cons. Boy was I wrong. My husband started one on one therapy today. I am keeping my expectations low. Itís his first time ever in therapy and Iím grateful heís willing. Itís always been me, the sober alcoholic, who needs a therapist. Not him. I guess, after ten years of sobriety and working on my recovery, it became harder for him to avoid seeing his 50% in things. Anyways, I am tired, I am empty and I am dreading the holidays with my UBPD family. Everyone will be at my parents house this Christmas. My two sisters and their SOís plus my brother and his wife. Wouldnít it be something if my husband and I reached a point of reconciliation and the financial means to go on a vacation for ourselves and avoid all the potholes of Christmas? Maybe one day I might be strong enough to do that.

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Spirit Girl

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2017, 04:48:25 PM »
I really think you are ready and strong enough to stay by yourselves at home for Christmas. What do you think? What would be wrong with that?
It seems you have done an awful lot of work and made amazing progress. It looks like you are gaining more and more clarity. Perhaps imagine both scenarios: Christmas with the relatives, Christmas without them. You do have a choice.
All the best for your retreat.

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mimzy

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2017, 10:28:32 AM »
Hi Spirit Girl,

Thanks for your reply.

I love the suggestion.

It's tricky because my DH, daughter and I will be in my family's  vicinity ANYWAY because of his family and I would have a hard time convincing my husband to forego Christmas with his family.

I need to do some soul searching about this while on the retreat. I'm unsure about my motivation behind it. It might be because I have a lot of shame about me and my mother's relationship and I feel like that is amplified around my siblings because they cater to her every whim.

I might suggest to my DH that we stay in a hotel while we are in their vicinity.

I dunno... I just dunno.

But I really appreciate your support. 


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bopper

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2017, 02:45:56 PM »
Firstly, remember that you have choices. You really do.

Sometimes it is good to "reset" expectations.

Maybe you go away for Christmas.

Maybe You "have to work" and not go.

Maybe you figure out the most minimal time to visit.."We wanted to stop by for dessert...we have to fit everyone in."

Maybe you invite his (hopefully Non PD) family to your house this year. Maybe you all go away on vacation/ski trip this year.

Maybe you just visit DH's family and not yours. They wouldn't know.

Maybe you go but stay in a hotel.

Maybe you can't afford to go this year.



But decide what you want...how much do you want or not want to see your family?  Not what you think you shoudl want, or what you wish you could want...but right now, with your family exactly the way it is...what do you want?

This should be exclusive of what your husband wants or what he wants to do with his family.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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DJR

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2017, 02:54:48 AM »
Bopper this is a great list of ideas!!!!

Mimzy it's that time of year isn't it, when we know Christmas is coming and start to worry about it.

I might talk to my H about going away this year.  I like the idea of a relaxing holiday Christmas, instead of a stressful family Christmas with PDs. You could explore this option too!

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Obliviot

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2017, 07:15:45 AM »
In regards to your husband's family, you could make alternative plans with them for January or soon after the holidays perhaps.  So the narrative you tell your parents is, "we're not traveling for the holidays this year but we'll miss you!" and the narrative you tell his parents is, "we're not up for traveling this year but we'd love to see you on X".  Or propose that you've decided as a family not to travel for Christmas anymore but that you'll alternate Easter (a shorter holiday where there is less gift-giving) between his family and yours.

Being an adult and raising children is often a difficult thing, one of the only benefits in my opinion is the power to make your own choices.  I hope you find words you're comfortable using to tell your family if you decide to make different choices.  Also, congratulations on your recovery and I hope you have a great retreat!

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bopper

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2017, 03:22:35 PM »
Realize this is normal thing to do even for non-PD families...my DH has 4 sisters...one said they were not traveling at Thanksgiving (they had been travelling all over during the summer) and everyone thinks "No sweat, we'll see them at Christmas".   

This may be the first time you have not gone along with the expectations...it can be tough...but you can do it.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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mimzy

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2017, 12:42:22 PM »
Hello everyone and thanks to all for your responses.

I did have a wonderful retreat. I was so spiritually dry and had the chance to soak up a lot of unconditional love from the other folks who were present and have worked hard in their recovery.

Since coming back, I have felt led to forego attending Christmas at my familyís house and intend to, instead, focus on making the most of the holidays at my in-laws.

This is a very new concept for me!! It will be the first time Iíve been away from my UBPD mother and narcissistic sister as well as my other siblings who have no qualms about allowing my mother to infantilize them.

I am sad for my father as he is really the only person who I feel safe with and I would very much like to celebrate Christmas with him but I am just not in a emotionally sober place. To visit this clan would likely invite them to criticize the boundaries Iíve implemented between me and my mother... because they have no boundaries and the very act of implementing them is a foreign concept that they donít understand.

I struggle with resisting the temptation of trying and interpret how they will view me not attending Christmas. Most likely they will view it as the beginning of me going no contact with them... which might happen... but itís too soon to tell.

Honestly, the worst thing in the world wouldnít be going no contact with my siblings and mother.

Anyways,  this is so new for me but it really feels right. I was dreading going there and being among the chaos and judgment. Now I can rest assured in the fact that, at the very least, I will be able to breathe a little bit better.

Thank you all again for your support.

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mimzy

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2017, 03:25:48 PM »
I am in the process of deciding how to let my adult siblings know that I wonít be attending Christmas at my parentsí house.

I thought perhaps an email letting them know ďI have to take some time to figure out how to improve my relationship with my momĒ might suffice .


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Malini

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2017, 04:08:50 AM »
Mimzy - sounds like you've done some incredible work during your retreat.

I would wait a little with the email. I know we feel we have to let people know things as soon as possible, but maybe if you wait, you'll have a better idea of what you need to say.

Personally, I wouldn't give any people I felt unsafe with a tiny glimpse into my life and any info they might use against me (your relationship with your Mom) so I wouldn't justify why I am not coming for Xmas, and I'd remain factual. You own nobody any explanation.
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

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Frances29

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2017, 08:54:32 AM »
Mimzy - sounds like you've done some incredible work during your retreat.

I would wait a little with the email. I know we feel we have to let people know things as soon as possible, but maybe if you wait, you'll have a better idea of what you need to say.

Personally, I wouldn't give any people I felt unsafe with a tiny glimpse into my life and any info they might use against me (your relationship with your Mom) so I wouldn't justify why I am not coming for Xmas, and I'd remain factual. You own nobody any explanation.

 :yeahthat:

Any information can and will be used against you, to smear you, character assassinate you, paint you as unstable.  Especially with a N-sister and N-mother.  I know this is new to you, and congratulations for taking back Christmas, you will have a lovely time with your IL's, I assure you...I do the same.  I also feel for my en-Father stuck with his N-wife and my N-sister, but he chose it, what can I do, he is a grown man...its very tough..

You do not need to JADE siblings for any reason, you are a grown woman with thoughts that are all your own.  Glad your retreat was a nice relaxing time.  You are doing great.   I am OOTF for over a decade and NC with N-sister (coming up on 6 years) and N-my dad's wife.  I don't post a lot because my posting style is usually too harsh (sorry mods)..so I feel I can't offer that much advice sometimes, but name it, my DC and I have been thru it from my N-sister and my Dad's N-wife..

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bopper

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2017, 01:47:44 PM »
Be light, be delightful... "Hey sibs, just want to let you know I am going away for Christmas this year.  Maybe we can get together in the new year!".
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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goodgirl

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #12 on: October 26, 2017, 02:17:24 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Bopper nails it.

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Spirit Girl

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Re: Dreading the holidays
« Reply #13 on: October 27, 2017, 09:13:53 AM »
Yes Bopper nails it, for the reasons Frances29 talks about. Any 'explaining' is unnecessary - if you do, they will likely attack you. Remember they live in a different world, and it seems from what you talked about, that it's not a mature emotionally stable world.

There's no need to announce it now either. Maybe a few days before Christmas. You do not need to listen to their repercussions either! Turn your phone and email off! Imagine.... you are allowed to do what you want - it's so liberating!

Congratulations on your retreat and all the work you are doing. Your setpoint and entitlement is happiness and joy - all the time. No suffering anymore.

Personally I went nc. I am much much happier.