What to do when an uPDw has control of your adult child?

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Whiteway

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What to do when an uPDw has control of your adult child?
« on: December 28, 2017, 07:44:25 AM »

I have just been through an extremely difficult divorce. I understand thatís only to be expected when divorcing a sociopath. She was hell bent on causing as much trauma and drama as possible. I moved out early on in proceedings but my 2 adult boys stayed. The eldest, 26  mostly sided with me so was evicted a week after I left. The younger one, 23, possibly after having seen his brother kicked out, decided to side with mother and stay on the farm.
Now he barely communicates with me. If we have a text exchange of views his version of events is so unbelievably distorted. He witnessed years of untold cruelty and drunken abuse of both me and his elder brother. He saw me on numerous occasions in total despair after another prolonged verbal attack. He saw me backed in the corner by a screaming dragon, trying to find the key phrase to make it stop. He saw me going off to work many days at 3am to bring money to the family. (Dragon didnít work, just shopped and knitted.) The worst I ever did was occasionally Ďloose ití and throw a teacup at the wall.
Then, right at the end, I met a kind lady and walked out. This is all he remembers. Not the destruction of all my belongings when I left. The selling of my dead fathers stamp collection. The nice holidays, wake-boarding with our speedboat, mountain biking together, kite-surfing together while dragon stayed home and finished off the wine.
No, he only remembers I left and that seems to outweigh everything.
I remember almost daily going to his room in the evening, trying to chat or have a guitar strum together. He made it very oblivious he would prefer his computer game and only lifted one side of his earphones, never pausing the game unless I insisted which would then lead to a teenage strop. Now he says I never tried to talk to him. 
He says we will never have a relationship because of my actions. When I ask what actions he says he doesnít want to explain.
Well I think he is drip-fed poison from the dragons chalice but I donít see an end to it.
 

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momnthefog

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Re: What to do when an uPDw has control of your adult child?
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2017, 09:35:58 AM »
Whiteway,

Welcome to OOTF and to the Parent's Forum

I have a BPD daughter.

My daughter has a very different memory of her childhood and teen years than her other siblings.  It always seems to favor her and place her in the victim role.  As time has passed from the divorce and she's matured (a little) we are able to co-exist, but the difference in what I remember and what she remembers remains.

Perhaps you and your son could agree to disagree about the difference in what you experienced and what he experienced....after all each person processes and experiences a situation differently.  Perhaps offer to move forward and discuss the past later...focus more on now and enjoying (as much as possible) the present.

Time may help soften his outlook.  The toolbox has some good ideas on how to communicate with PDs that might be helpful in dealing with your son.

momnthefog





"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Whiteway

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Re: What to do when an uPDw has control of your adult child?
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2018, 08:40:46 AM »
Hope its ok to post a text conversation All names are false. my replies and comments in italic. What do you think? This is from my other son who I think has some kind of PD but up to this point was at least civil to me.
Background- expensive divorce. Wife was left with my farm after divorce (despite she never contributed finantially). His brother is still living on farm with PD mum. Lee has a good job and is earning well. He has lived for 2 years with my mum but it was causing her great stress, he was often quite unkind.
This was after I suggested to Lee that he might like to pay some rent to Grannie while he is living there, eating the food in her fridge.
The bits about belittling his jobs must be to do with me trying to encourage him to apply for better.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 11:40:30 AM by Bloomie »

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momnthefog

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Re: What to do when an uPDw has control of your adult child?
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2018, 08:59:22 AM »
whiteway,

i believe it would be better to summarize the txt conversation.  even though all the names are changed.

i'm a divorcee as well....my kids went through a LOT of emotions related to the divorce.  looks like that is happening with your sons as well.  and (in defense of young people) much of their behavior/attitude/reaction can be very narc-like....until they mature a bit which is why PDs aren't dx until late teens/20s. 

abandonment, real or perceived is a powerful emotion.

the toolbox has ideas of how to respond.  when i get stuff like this from my daughter....it happens less frequently now.....i ignore until she comes around.  I also no longer demand an apology.  it would be nice if she apologized....but if i make that conditional for our relationship, i'm no better than her.  But that's just my opinion and others here may think differently. 

that said....i don't allow myself to be a doormat either.  I go grey rock, refuse to respond to baiting, ignore calls or txt msgs.  If she calls and complains, plays the victim, I find a reason to end the conversation....my time is valuable as are my emotional resources.  If she's complaining, I answer with things like....would you like my feedback?  i don't give her advice/feedback/ideas/suggestions unless I ask first.  I've been burned by that...."you told me to ....."

hope some of this helps....and yes, i'd go back and change the content of the post.
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Leylines

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Re: What to do when an uPDw has control of your adult child?
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2018, 01:53:09 AM »
Judging from the fact that you mentioned you walked out after starting an affair outside of the marriage instead of divorcing his mother and then getting into a relationship, I'm going to say that I think he might be upset that you started having an affair.