Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months

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MoreFromLife

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Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« on: January 08, 2018, 07:27:19 PM »
Maybe I will post this in the Committed to Working it Out section too.


ExNPDH has had an epiphany and has realised that he has made a huge mistake. Wants to try again. Says I am all he has ever wanted and has apologised for the hell of the last couple of years. He is now back on meds and is getting intensive therapy.

I feel like it is too little too late. I am scared and cautious. I am not sure if I can trust him even though he is finally saying and doing all the right things. I don't know if I can trust him with my heart again. I don't know if I love him anymore. I care about him as the father of my kids, but I don't feel anything else. I feel numb.

I have said that I don't want him to move back in, and that we need to finish court ordered therapy anyway, so we will need to wait until then. He is being pretty nice, but its hard. I feel like I am lost and have only just got my head around being on my own. I was starting to feel optimistic about being on my own.

The kids have said "we really want you and Dad to try again. We like it when you are getting on".
Do you do it for your kids, even though you may not be sure yourself?

Now I am wondering if i decide to give it another go whether it will be because it is the easier option.

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openskyblue

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2018, 08:10:27 PM »
You might want to read about hoovering in the toolbox.  Also, whatís 5he hurry? You are allowed to take as much time as you need to decide what you want to do:

Also, Iíd recommend that you not talk with your kids about these discussions. This should stay between you and your husband only. If heís told them, thatís a pretty clear indication that heís manipulating.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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MoreFromLife

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2018, 10:06:36 PM »
Yes I have read about hoovering.

And you are right re: time. I have told him I can't make any snap decisions and that rather than progress the divorce at breakneck speed like we were doing before, to just slow right down and work on getting along and not fighting for a few months.

He hasn't told the kids as such. The older one just noticed we were getting along rather than fighting and said that she wished we got on more often, then said something to me at bedtime. I said to her that if Daddy moved back into this house too soon we would likely end up fighting all the time again.

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142757

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2018, 11:09:26 AM »
A disordered person is created over years, decades, of time. They aren't corrected by a couple of pills & therapy over a few months. I'm not saying this to tell you not to considered reconciliation. I'm stating this to let you know you are correct for being careful, hesitant & protective of yourself. I personally always hold out hope couples can stay together. But I also know that isn't always the best choice for every couple. It wasn't for me. It is easier to get along when you see each other just a couple minutes a day. It is another story when you share a home with them. Most PD's can manage to be on their best behavior when they need to for a few hours. It's the 24/7 shift they can't handle. Maybe he is on the road to change, but you can't be sure of that until more time is past. Besides, who knows if not dealing with the day to day issues of marriage & family isn't helping his recovery? Allowing him to focus more inwardly instead of having outside factors to blame?
"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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MoreFromLife

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2018, 01:45:08 AM »
It is easier to get along when you see each other just a couple minutes a day. It is another story when you share a home with them. Most PD's can manage to be on their best behavior when they need to for a few hours. It's the 24/7 shift they can't handle. Maybe he is on the road to change, but you can't be sure of that until more time is past. Besides, who knows if not dealing with the day to day issues of marriage & family isn't helping his recovery? Allowing him to focus more inwardly instead of having outside factors to blame?

So much this.

He is alone a lot more with his thoughts. He can see what he has lost now that it is gone.
On the other hand- I have itchy feet and a desire to live my life for myself.  I am still home with the kids most of the time grinding away feeling resentful and annoyed.

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Widdershins3

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2018, 03:24:38 PM »
I hope you'll give serious thought to setting boundaries before you let him back in. I've been hoovered so many, many, many times that I'm downright embarrassed when I think back over the years. But I'd been abused all my life by Cluster B people and my self-esteem was lousy. I've had 2 excellent therapists who both told me to read everything I could find on boundary setting and then devoted whole sessions to that. But he would rage at me again and then deny every word he'd just said and I'd just go mute. Shock is not our friend when it keeps us from drawing a line to save our sanity.

Whichever choice you make, remember all you've learned about being on your own and living an abuse-free life. Those memories are what could fuel a final break and the hope of a new life with a sane, respectful partner. I wish you luck, either way--but secretly I hope you'll kick him hard to the curb and make a run for it!
I certainly wasn't happy. Happiness has to do with reason, and only reason earns it. What I was given was the thing you can't earn, and can't keep, and often don't even recognize at the time; I mean joy.

Ursula K. LeGuin

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Medowynd

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2018, 06:22:35 AM »
I have read many stories about couples that got back together.  Coyote is the only that I recall has had a successful reconciliation.  All of the other stories I have read, eventually led to another separation.  I guess I am an anomaly, I left and never went back and refused to live with him ever again.

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MoreFromLife

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2018, 08:10:25 PM »
I hope you'll give serious thought to setting boundaries before you let him back in.
Whichever choice you make, remember all you've learned about being on your own and living an abuse-free life. Those memories are what could fuel a final break and the hope of a new life with a sane, respectful partner. I wish you luck, either way--but secretly I hope you'll kick him hard to the curb and make a run for it!

Very true. I am. Don't worry not jumping head first in.

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2018, 12:59:19 PM »
There are a couple threads going on this topic and its very timely for me.
There are so many things in this conversation that are true and its strange that you don't really see them until after.
When your loved one is treating you good, talking about change, being accountable and showing some insight you think that this is real change.
Even if it happened over a few weeks or a month.  Then something triggers an outburst and you realize it was all an act. 
I'm sure it is not intentional on their part, but they really didn't change at all.  They can't deal with conflict, they have to take their feelings out on people around them, and if you are there you get to be the one that takes it.

They do the same things that they have always done.  The same patterns appear.
When she was upset after counseling, I did my best to validate her feelings.  When that wasn't working I said that it was time for me to go back to work, to which she responded with threats of calling the police and pretending to hurt herself.  After cooling down and informing the police about her threats I calmly tell her "your behavior is not acceptable to me, its not O.K. to threaten me.  I will take threats seriously and respond appropriately to protect myself" to which she responds with name calling and insults.
Later when things have cooled down "Your behavior is not acceptable to me, its not O.K. to call me names and insult me " to which she responds with belittling me and more name calling and insults.
Later "I am not O.K. with your behavior, please don't belittle and insult me" to which she responds with gaslighting "you are sick and need help, you are so hurt and broken" lectures and verbal harassment.
Then the next days are full of love bombing and hoovering.
The difference now is that I'm not falling for it.  Its not healthy and it needs to end.
If she can't stop doing it then I am the one responsible to make the decision regarding our relationship.

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MoreFromLife

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2018, 02:25:57 AM »
There are a couple threads going on this topic and its very timely for me.
There are so many things in this conversation that are true and its strange that you don't really see them until after.
When your loved one is treating you good, talking about change, being accountable and showing some insight you think that this is real change.
Even if it happened over a few weeks or a month.  Then something triggers an outburst and you realize it was all an act. 
I'm sure it is not intentional on their part, but they really didn't change at all.  They can't deal with conflict, they have to take their feelings out on people around them, and if you are there you get to be the one that takes it.

They do the same things that they have always done.  The same patterns appear.
When she was upset after counseling, I did my best to validate her feelings.  When that wasn't working I said that it was time for me to go back to work, to which she responded with threats of calling the police and pretending to hurt herself.  After cooling down and informing the police about her threats I calmly tell her "your behavior is not acceptable to me, its not O.K. to threaten me.  I will take threats seriously and respond appropriately to protect myself" to which she responds with name calling and insults.
Later when things have cooled down "Your behavior is not acceptable to me, its not O.K. to call me names and insult me " to which she responds with belittling me and more name calling and insults.
Later "I am not O.K. with your behavior, please don't belittle and insult me" to which she responds with gaslighting "you are sick and need help, you are so hurt and broken" lectures and verbal harassment.
Then the next days are full of love bombing and hoovering.
The difference now is that I'm not falling for it.  Its not healthy and it needs to end.
If she can't stop doing it then I am the one responsible to make the decision regarding our relationship.

Interestingly enough this is what my xH says to me almost as if by rote though.
He winds me up and hurts me then cries could when I get mad.

Don't get me wrong- I am by no means perfect, but I think we are a terrible combination. An NPD with someone who has a short fuse.  :stars: :aaauuugh: :cool2:

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2nice

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2018, 07:33:18 AM »
I went back too many times and can recognise the hesitancy in your post. Time is the best factor.

I have described it elsewhere like a slow flood.

you get back together and the relationship is 'dry', all of a sudden there appears some droplets of water, then you look down and see a wet patch on the floor, then it creeps up over your feet and you think hmmm I'm sure its just a little puddle, then before you know it you are drowning again in the crazy hell of your life with a PD.

every person must decide for themselves however the patterns are obvious to all of us who have lived it. run! run! run!

my kids too said please get together until they were saying please find us somewhere safe to live

I wish you the best- go slow whatever you do

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Beachgirl

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2018, 10:51:07 PM »
I moved out for a year. We moved back together even though I still saw red flag behaviors. I really regret moving back. It's way more difficult this time. His uNPD behavior is almost worse and more often. He thinks I betrayed him so now that's another weapon. Our lives are more entangled and so it's been two and a half years of enduring and coping. I have learned quite a bit and found out more of his secrets so I can see that it hasn't been without results. I don't really know how to do it again. You would think it would be easier once you've moved out one time. He says he'll get therapy but never follows through on the appointment. I tried a couple of interventions and he gets mad then acts like it never happened or remembers differently than what we all actually experienced. I tried once to tell him he needed to be evaluated so we could get some help and improve our marriage. Now he says I'm a narcissistic psychopathic, sociopath that needs to see a psychiatrist.  :stars: They can be very convincing to get their way. You probably will have to decide that if you move back together, whether you can live with it or go back on your own easily if he doesn't get help.
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉

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MoreFromLife

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2018, 05:43:08 AM »
I really regret moving back. It's way more difficult this time. His uNPD behavior is almost worse and more often. He thinks I betrayed him so now that's another weapon. Our lives are more entangled and so it's been two and a half years of enduring and coping. I have learned quite a bit and found out more of his secrets so I can see that it hasn't been without results. I don't really know how to do it again. You would think it would be easier once you've moved out one time. He says he'll get therapy but never follows through on the appointment. I tried a couple of interventions and he gets mad then acts like it never happened or remembers differently than what we all actually experienced. I tried once to tell him he needed to be evaluated so we could get some help and improve our marriage. Now he says I'm a narcissistic psychopathic, sociopath that needs to see a psychiatrist.  :stars: They can be very convincing to get their way. You probably will have to decide that if you move back together, whether you can live with it or go back on your own easily if he doesn't get help.

I am not going to do it. I can't. Unfortunately I have had some more reasons to stay firm, as painful as they were it was good to have a reminder of what I have LEFT.
. I know that if I move back this is what will happen. my xH has had loads of therapy and talks the talk although still uses so many things as weapons against me, and therapy now gives him bigger words to throw around, but at the end of the day I still don't feel safe with him.
My heart is closed to him now. I will work on being a good co-parent, but thats it. And now I am grieving because a part of me WANTED to believe he could change and maybe he can- but his next partner can be the person to reap those fruits, (if they ever grow). I don't want them.

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Beachgirl

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Re: Going Back After Being Separated for 6 months
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2018, 02:59:24 AM »
I'm very sorry. It's heartbreaking when you know they have potential. They choose not to reach out for it. We can't make them. You tried over and over I'm sure and it didnt change anything. Maybe someday he will get the help he needs because of your decision to end the cycle. Best thoughts to you for your own recovery! Keep posting. It's encouraging.
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉