Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!

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Liftedfog

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2018, 11:30:16 PM »
CP's was a great advocate for me. They are the ones that enforced the supervised access visits for my expdh. They helped me keep my kids safe until I got sole custody.   

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Upstream

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #21 on: February 03, 2018, 04:19:47 AM »
Just remember when talking to CPS that you cant appear as though you dont want father and daughter to have a relationship. My lawyer pointed that out to me...“I so want DD and dad to have a healthy relationship, BUT DD keeps saying these really worrisome things“...“She exhibits behavior X“ ...
And here is where is would be so great to have her therapist onboard. In my case, i told CPS that i had taken son to see a therapist because he started having panic attacks, and that the therapist thought son needed to gain his independence from father and that fewer visits or supervised visits would be in sons best interest“...I pointed out all I had done to facilitate a positive relaionship (i let him have visits here at the house, so the kids would feel more comfortable- and I left for the day) but despite my „best efforts“ neither kid wanted overnights and after further bad behavior from him they didnt want to see him hardly at all.   It has to appear, for the legal record , that you actually WANT DD to have a relationship with him, which we all here at OOTF know is usually fraught with danger for the little ones, but the courts have their mandates, so you have to use the right language to get the support you need. I kept saying i wanted the boys to have a HEALTHY relationship, but that the a healthy attachment couldnt form because of behaviors XY Z from their dear dad!

So then you appear to the system to have done everything you could to support the r/s between DD and dad, which is what the system expects, even sometimes when abuse is involved 🙄😬, and so now you just dont know what to do because despite all the support you‘ve created, DD is saying....and doing...

You have to appear calm and collected, but sincerely concerned, and if you must say something neg about dad, then keep it factual, and dont get too emotional. ...
my stbxuNPDh came to the house at 1:30 am banged on the door begging to be let in and i called the police. I went to talk to CPS that week and when the case worker said she had her next appt in 3 wks I stood there silently in disbelief and fear about how to handle visitation and the tears started rolling down my cheeks and the lady took pity on me and took a half hour to talk to me right then and there and through that she could see i was really at my wits end, trying to do the right thing with visitation, but morally bound by my love for the boys that they not be forced to visit a man they were afraid of, and that i was afraid of. Then i came back the next week and eventually she interviewed the boys, and having her believe me has been so valuable! The case worker next door to her looked about 20yrs old, fresh out of training somewhere, and probably wouldnt have been as supportive as the middle aged mom who became my case worker.

What i am trying to say is be careful of the image you paint of yourself and the situation. You are in a system where they often see one parent try to punish the other parent by alienating the kids. It is important that you are able to show you are not one of those parents, but you have legitimate concerns that need to be addressed. You will need advocates for DD to navigate a safe situation for her.

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redfish

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2018, 10:57:48 AM »
Thanks LiftFog, and Upstream. There's some new stuff going on but I won't know much til tomorrow so I'll update then.
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Whiteheron

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2018, 02:38:38 PM »
Hope it goes well, redfish!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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redfish

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2018, 06:06:39 PM »
DD's doctor called DCF (CPS) due to neglect by her father and they scheduled a home visit for Tuesday. I have the support of her therapist and my lawyer.
It will be interesting to see how this all plays out!
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Whiteheron

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #25 on: February 08, 2018, 06:13:05 PM »
Keep us posted! Is he aware of the visit or will it be a surprise?
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #26 on: February 08, 2018, 07:27:36 PM »
Big hug redfish!   Eventually a PD will show his true colors.   I can't believe how far you have come!   Keep being the stable parent.  God is in control!

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redfish

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #27 on: February 08, 2018, 08:35:29 PM »
Keep us posted! Is he aware of the visit or will it be a surprise?
I think the worker was aiming for surprise but I couldn't tell him when my Ex would be home or where DD would even be. I do know he tried to call him bug got no answer. I'd assume he left a voicemail. I might hear more tomorrow.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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redfish

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #28 on: February 08, 2018, 08:41:16 PM »
Big hug redfish!   Eventually a PD will show his true colors.   I can't believe how far you have come!   Keep being the stable parent.  God is in control!
Thank you, and thank you! I'll have to see how this goes. Unfortunately this investigation will give my Ex something to use against me as my housemate has something in her past on record that he could try to use to remove DD from me :-( . I've known my housemate for yrs and was unaware as there's never been anything to make me think she'd ever gotten in trouble. Plus she's 67yrs old so I just think of her as maternal and not in any unsavory light. I was shocked when she told me there was something. So I'm scared. But I need to remember what you said, that God is in control.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Wilderhearts

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #29 on: February 10, 2018, 06:26:16 PM »
Redfish, I'm not a mom and haven't been in a relationship with a PD, let alone had a child with one, but I was that child once.  And I had a mom, who, like you, worked so incredibly hard to support us, get us help, and teach us we were safe in our home with her.  I have the ultimate respect for you and how you're loving and fighting for your daughter.

My sister did unfortunately take on a lot of our dad's behaviours and still exhibits some of them now in her early 30s.  She also lashed out at our mom probably more than she did our dad. She would provoke him to make the abuse predictable, but our mom got the worst of it - because she was safe to act out against our mother.  It's so hurtful and confusing to have one parent pit you against another, that maybe at 3, DD doesn't know how else to express her hurt and confusion other than behaving in the ways her dad has suggested (WOW he is a master manipulator).  Mind you, my sister's not DD - she has one confirmed neurologically based disability and we suspect Asperger's as well.  Her ability to get perspective on her own behaviour in order to change it is pretty limited because of those, but she's still growing lots and learning to be accountable and respectful.  With how sensitive and insightful you sound, and how DD is responding to you, I think she'll grow up having more understanding of her dad's behaviour and her own than my sister did.  Even still, my sister is definitely not our dad - and neither am I.  If you're not a PD, you're just not a PD.  You might be traumatized and have problematic or self-destructive behaviours, but that doesn't make a person a PD.

The subterfuge was real in our family - so no, I don't think it's in your head.  The judge saw right through my dad after he pressed criminal charges against our mom for "kidnapping."  The judge deemed it child rescue.  There are people who will be able to see through DD's dad when it counts as well - I'm so glad you have a great lawyer.

Have you thought of recording some of these conversations with DD?  Would being able to review the conversation when you aren't experiencing the distress of the moment help you stop questioning what's real?

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redfish

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2018, 07:01:56 AM »
Thank you Wilderhearts, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. And that's incredibly sad about your sister. It sounds like you both are doing what you can for healing.
DD said something weird to me last night, she said there's ppl at Her dad's house that protect her when daddy becomes monster but he can't see them, only she can. Now I know 3yr olds have pretty fantastic imaginations but I like to think, well I'm gonna believe lol, she has angels protecting her.
Even if I knew beforehand how terrible everything was going to be I can't say I would've done differently. I wouldn't trade DD for the world.
If there's anything noteworthy that comes of the DCF visit today I will update.
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Liftedfog

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2018, 10:45:28 PM »
Wow redfish.  How heart breaking to hear your baby say that.  Like wow!   I think she has manifested this in her mind to cope with her fears when with her dad.  Let her therapist know this.   She has created these people in her mind.   Can you get her to draw a picture of these people or show her pictures of an angel and see if she can identify them.   I believe Your PD is not fit to spend any unsupervised time with her. I'm so angry for you.   

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redfish

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #32 on: February 17, 2018, 03:17:08 PM »
Thanks Liftedfog, her therapist said she shouldn't be having those kind of thoughts and she's going to call my lawyer on Monday.
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redfish

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #33 on: February 20, 2018, 09:17:27 PM »
I have no idea if the therapist called my lawyer or not. Or if DCF contacted my Ex successfully.
I do know tomorrow is court and I'm nervous.
DD elaborated on the whole invisible ppl thing, there's two, one even has a name. She 'disassociated' after telling me about it. Freaked me out a little. Tomorrow would've been her therapy session but there's court so her therapist is gonna try to get her in thurs.
All this stuff has messed with my head a bit so I took a mental health day the other day and called out of work. I need to figure out how to not let stuff get to me!
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Upstream

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Re: Psychological Aftermath- normal? Please help!
« Reply #34 on: February 21, 2018, 04:02:38 AM »
Hey Redfish,
You are doing the right thing for her DD. Hang strong. Gather up your strength and spend your last day before going to court making sure all the loose ends are tied up. I'd call the therapist and make sure she followed through with that call. I'd check with the lawyer and make sure she has everything she needs. And then sit back and try to relax and gather up strength for tomorrow.