adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?

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fevredream

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adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« on: February 06, 2018, 08:49:41 AM »
Ok, this is about my 19 year old sister but I post in the parent's discussion because she is so much younger than the rest of us... And she is maybe diagnosed BPD.  She hasn't seen a therapist for any length of time, so there has been some debate.

 So, my sis, H, moved back into the family house last night.  She has been living elsewhere since she turned 18 in 2016.  First with her boyfriend, then at her best friend's house, then another friend...anyway, yesterday she called us (me, our brothers) and told us we had to come and get her right away.  This was a little strange because she has a vehicle.  So, come to find out, she let her friend drive her car to a town an hour away and the friend, on the way back, got pulled over and arrested for having weed in the car.  And the car was impounded.  I paid for the car to be released and now my brothers and I are trying to work out what to do with our sis.  We know our sis has been doing many different drugs...weed, xanax, benzos, oxys, maybe cocaine.   She has been off and on anti-depressants.  And in and out of therapy.  She met a therapist she liked once while she was in the hospital on a 72 hour hold for suicidal behavior.  I think I will try to remember that woman's name and start getting H to her sessions.  I had tried to back off and let her take responsibility for getting herself to therapy.  Now, I think my brother has agreed to drive her to and from appointments

So, here is my question...Her phone is about to run out of minutes.  her friend has been paying her bill.  We don't want to pay her phone bill because it looks like the best way to break her away from those people she has been hanging out with.  And her car...I bought it for her a few years ago.  In the last 6 months, I decided it was not safe for my family to be listed as the owner of her car when I didn't know where she was or who was driving the car so I signed the title over to her.  We are already in agreement that we should take the keys away from her.  I would also like to get rid of the car completely.  On one hand, I feel like this is the only way to stop her downward spiral.  On the other hand, I worry that it is too harsh and might drive her to despair.  her car is very recognizable in our small town and I hate it.  Not to mention it is a money pit.

We love her so much and we want to help her.  She is home now and I feel like we have to jump on the opportunity while we have it.  Part of me still thinks we can break her out of this destructive behavior and she can find stability and reach her potential.

I would really appreciate any and all feedback

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coyote

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2018, 09:52:32 AM »
fevre,
Welcome to OOTF. There is no easy answer to your situation as I am sure you know. You do have some leverage right now that could be used to your advantage. However even with this leverage it is going to be hard unless she sees a need to change.

Some might say that paying for the phone and car is enabling her to continue to take no responsibility for herself. There is something to be said I think for putting responsibility back on the person. Just my opinion. It is indeed a hard situation though where you want to avoid enabling but still let her know you love her and will support her when she is ready to make good choices.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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momnthefog

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2018, 08:15:39 AM »
What a good sister you are.  She is lucky to have you and your brothers.

Now....for my motherly dose of advice gained by being married to an alcoholic and dealing with drug issues with an adult child.....get yourself to AA meetings or Nar-Anon meetings and start networking within the addiction community.  A good online source I recommend is soberrecovery.com.  It has a forum for family members with ideas of helpful ways to support the addict....which generally means stepping back and letting go.  What I learned the hard way is NO ONE, NO ONE can get an addict or alcoholic sober or clean. When people step into "help" its often less than helpful.  The addict created this problem (yeah genetics plays a role and so does learned behavior) but the addict is the ONLY one who can find their way out. 

I would meet with the brothers and work as a team to make decisions...addicts can and will manipulate, lie and triagulate people.  What are you parents thoughts about this?  Having an adict or alcoholic in the house is incredibly dispruptive when they are actively using. 

About the car and phone.  Most adults work for what they have.  I'd say that to her and let the chips fall as they may.  She's going to do bone-headed things....tell you that you dont love her....threaten to leave....the most loving thing you can do is be consistent and let her feel the consequences of using drugs/alcohol.  When you use, you cant work, when you cant work, you dont have money, when you dont have money, you dont have a car, a phone.  That is a statement of fact and nothing else.   

Hang in there....your heart is in the right place.  Many hugs.

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Adria

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2018, 01:40:54 PM »
I am so sorry for what you are going through.  You sound like a very kind loving person.
The car thing can be tricky.  Since you signed the title over to her, the car now belongs to your sister.  If you take the keys away from her, or the car, you may get in trouble by the law for car theft.  That is what we were threatened with when we tried to protect our son from himself.  If they are an adult, and they own the car, we legally can't touch it. At least that's the way it is in the state we live in.

It is so hard when we want to help, especially if they won't help themselves.  I wish you only the best. :hug:

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fevredream

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2018, 07:05:52 AM »
so, I was going to post a new post and then I read this old post of mine.  Almost the exact same thing is going on.  My sis has gotten news last week that her car needs a new engine.  Lo and behold, this week she wants to move home and get a job and etc. and so on.  After much thought and conversation with my brothers, we have decided that if she comes home, she has to give up the keys to her car (she doesn't have insurance and so I don't want to be held responsible for her or the car), cut off contact with her friends and enter a rehab program.  So, these seem like reasonable expectations.  And she refused, says I am a mean person and don't get upset when I can't get in touch with her because she is good.  or dead.  Those are her exact words.  I told her that she is an adult and she makes choices.  If she moves home, she is choosing to live under our rules.  If she chooses not to move home, that is fine too.  if she chooses to hurt herself, that is her choice and has nothing to do with me..  so glad I decided to come here and see my old posts.  it makes it really clear how this all goes again.

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coyote

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2018, 08:09:27 AM »
Fever,
IMO you are making the right choice. Yes it is hard bit sometimes tough love is the only way to go. Hang ing there and keep us up to date.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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chowder

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2018, 09:35:24 AM »
Ah, these "adults" that move back in....sigh....

The car issue might be a legal one, as stated above, since it's in her name.  But as a condition of living under your roof, perhaps she will agree to this, and you might even want to get it in writing...along with any other conditions that you may see fit.  It is your home, and you want to alleviate any surprises going forward.

The phone....that could be tricky.  Even if you get a new one, she could still fill it with her old contacts.   Maybe take an electronics break altogether for a bit.

Good luck!  Keep us posted.

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fevredream

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2018, 08:07:51 AM »
after I sent her a text about rehab and that things would be "very, very different" when she moved home this time, she texted me back and said she wasn't strung out and she would just do her own thing.  She said she wants to change and better herself but when given a chance, she refuses.  To me this means that she needs something from us, probably getting her car fixed.  I am not willing to subject my family to this.  The last time she moved home (when her car was impounded) she stayed for about a week.  She would agree to our one rule at the time (be home by midnight or let us know you are staying out) when she would leave the house and then we wouldn't hear from her until the next day when I sent her a text asking where she was.  That time, she stayed gone for four days.  One day she left, saying she would be back in a couple of days.  That was in February.  We have not actually laid eyes on her since then.  And when I tell her there will be rules, she texts me (because I only text with her, I refuse to speak on the phone with her) that she only wanted to see her family.  And that she has been sleeping in her car and she doesn't have any clean clothes or a pillow, poor her, poor her.  A year ago I would have said "you poor thing!  Please come home right away! Do you need any money or gas or anything?"  I guess I have gotten wise to her ways of manipulating me.  It hurts me to feel like I am refusing to let her move home while at the same time, I feel proud of myself for calling her on her bull#$%.

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xredshoesx

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2018, 09:40:10 AM »
i feel very deeply for your situation fevredream-

my biological mother is a lot like how you have described your sister and your behavior.  i've been NC with her since i was 22sih, i'm now 46.  she has been doing that same exact song and dance with her parents since before i was born and it's alienated her other brother and my older half brother (who i thought was my uncle until i figured out the truth that he was really my mom's kid she had when she was 14....)

i know it's hard but you are doing now what you need to do to protect your siblings and family from a never ending loop of neediness from your sister. 

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momnthefog

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Re: adult (19 years old) moved back in last night. Now what?
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2018, 08:21:59 AM »
fevredream,

I also believe you are doing the right thing with sister.  Whether the root is a PD or addiction, the resultant behavior is damaging to family relationships on many levels.

I think I mentioned this site before soberrecovery.com....it's a good site for those feeling with addiction.  There are forums for supporting the addict whether drugs or alcohol, online chat rooms and support for family members setting boundaries. 

Addicts are master manipulators.  Do not give her anything.  Any object can be traded for drugs.  When a person is using there entire focus is on getting their next fix and they will eventually do anything to get it.  The only way they get sober/clean and stay sober and clean is to hit bottom and work a program (whatever that means for that person).   When we give money, housing, gas, phone, we prevent them from hitting bottom.  Sounds cruel and mean, but detaching and letting them fall is the most humane and loving gift a person can give an addict who is using. 

momnthefog

 
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."