What in the world do we do now?

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Adria

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What in the world do we do now?
« on: February 07, 2018, 12:30:58 PM »
Our son has a very severe mental illness.  We moved to buy property where we could build an apartment for him as our conselor suggested.  The other night, I got a call from our son who said he admitted himself into the psych ward at the hospital because the voices in his head were telling him to stab dh and I.  I hung up the phone in shock. DH called the police to file a report but they said the system in our state is so broken  they wouldn't even file.  Son is currently in the hospital, but I'm afraid they will send him back home to us even though the staff at the hospital says we are not safe anymore.  We couldn't find him housing before, that is why we built the apartment.

We are at a total loss as to what to do anymore.  We have been taking care of him by ourselves for almost a decade, and it has taken a severe toll on my health.  Any thoughts or ideas besides selling our house, buying a motor home and running away.   :stars:

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momnthefog

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2018, 11:54:37 AM »
Adria,

I have no idea what the next step might be other than to do everything you can think of to protect yourself and dh.  It's a shame that the hospital cant find some sort of long term facility for him to keep everyone safe.  Are there any mental health support groups for his dx?

I had to deal with my ASPD son showing up with a gun at my home, but he did not live here.  It was difficult and scary for the younger children.  When he moved I was relieved.  He's on the other side of the US....and his circumstances are tragic (homeless, drug addiction, prostituion, jobless, predatory behavior).....BUT, but....my home and my other children are safe.

It's a sad and difficult trade off for a mother.

Hugs,

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Adria

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2018, 03:15:11 PM »
Oh my gosh Momnthefog,

I am soooo sorry for you.  I remember reading about your son earlier in the year. You have been through so much. I know you understand. 

Ya know, my son has been in two car accidents in the last couple weeks.  Neither one of them his fault as he is a stellar driver.  The first one, he was rear ended, the second one, a lady driving on the wrong side of the road hit him head on.  I hate to say it, but why didn't God just take him.  He lives such a miserable existance, in and out of hospitals, drugged up all the time, no signs of anything getting better.  I hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad mom, but we have, like you, done everything we know how to do and then some and the situation just keeps spiraling out of control. It just doesn't make any sense anymore, and there is no long term help to be found.

I'm glad you feel your family is safe now.  I told my daughter not to bring the kids here for awhile as we just don't know.  Nothing seems safe anymore.  My heart is broken for me, my son and all the families out there going through this.  It is a nightmare that never seems to end.

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mdana

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2018, 01:46:59 AM »
Sigh …

My daughter is so ill, much like your son.  She has survived 4 suicide attempts, in and out of psych hospitals, ICU  -on life support, treatment centers (inpatient, outpatient, sober-living, in-state, out- of -state, trauma/drug -dual diagnosis specialty centers, wilderness programs, long term care programs, ECT, EMDR) jail…. in fulminant liver failure (even on a transplant list) ...I lost count already.

For the past 10 years I would become emotionally incapacitated after each horrible hospitalization or life altering event.  Each time, anticipating her impending death. So far, she seems to recover and we start all over again. I don't know if it's a miracle or a curse. . In my view, she is a tortured soul and lives a miserable existence.  Yet, she has flat out told me time and again "I don't suffer".  Last year ---she admitted that her suicide attempts were planned and she did it to get attention (her dad's attention).

No on knows the underlying cause -- genetics, drugs/alcohol, trauma … I feel pretty confident that years of drug and alcohol abuse have permanently damaged her brain. So, last year -- when she became aggressive and showed signs of becoming violent… I let her go. I stopped answering her phone calls.  I stopped showing up at the hospital. 

I just couldn't take any more.  She doesn't want to change, or maybe she can't anymore.  Either way -- I did all that I could (when I was able) and she's in God's hands now. 

I have 2 sons and we have cried all the tears we have left.  I refuse to compromise my (or my son's) safety for her.  For anyone.  She showed up twice at my home -- I called the Sheriff.  She knows not to come here again ---it would be a violation of her probation and she would immediately be locked up.  Every now and then she sends me a text message "I love you" and -- occasionally I reply "take good care", but I usually ignore it.  I don't want her to feel tempted to come home. 

All the best to you Adria …
It's a tough … tough … journey

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Adria

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2018, 12:41:02 PM »
Mdana,

Thank you so much for your post. I am so, so sorry for all you have been through. It truly is unimaginable, but real.  We have been through pretty much the same, and I kept rereading where you had to let her go.  I'm having a really hard time with that like you did, but I'm afraid that is where we are at or there will be nothing left of dh and I anymore.

I didn't respond to your post because I left for the week and stayed with my daughter three hours away to get away from him and all the problems.  I didn't take my phone and didn't get on a computer, just tried to hold it together enough to play with my grandchildren.

I'm feeling very numb right now and can hardly put sentences together.  But, please know, I appreciate the effort you put in your post. It means everything right now and I will be printing and showing it to dh. What you wrote gave me new strength right now and maybe, I will have the courage to do what I really need to do. Hugs, Adria

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mdana

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2018, 04:01:11 AM »
 :bighug:


It takes a long time to grieve the losses...there are so many.  I lost my daughter, the hopes and dreams we shared together, our loving relationship, the family we once were...

For years I felt that if I let her go, she would die. AND, I had no idea how I would go on without her. Later, I realized that she could die no matter what I did (or didn't do) because, as it turns out, I don't have control over her karma/life.  I wasn't able to let go right away -- it was a process that took years, for me. 

The violence and aggression really changed allot, for me.  I'm not ready to leave this earth just yet -- my son's still need me and I have much to live for.  My daughter...she has chosen her path, time and again.  She has to live out the consequences of those choices now. 

Lots of love to you!!! 

http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=71859.0
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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GettingOOTF

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2018, 09:59:53 AM »
When my BPDXH was hospitalized for the second time I told the hospital that he could not come back to the apartment as I feared for my life. Other arrangements had to be made. The hospital cannot release him to you if you refuse to let him come back. I was very explicit why. They put me under a lot of pressure and it was hard but I stood my ground and just repeated that he couldn’t come back because I feared for my life.

I know he’s your son so it’s a different situation but this doesn’t sound like you would be safe - frankly I think if I’d let my ex come back one or both of us would have ended up dead.

Have you spoken to his doctors about your concerns? They may be able to work with you on alternative living arrangements.

My ex went to a hotel and then found a shared living space.

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Adria

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2018, 04:38:04 PM »
Oh, Mdana,

I feel every word your write.  It's like watching them die a thousand deaths and then we start dying as well.

Thank you for sharing your goodbye letter to your daughter. I am sitting here in tears after reading your words, but what else could you do? Nothing. You did everything you could and then some.  I understand completely.

I had to tell my son a few minutes ago that he cannot come home anymore. I felt it go through every cell in my body and feel very weak right now.  Your kind and true words gave me the strength I needed to say it.  I have no idea about the future, but I have to go back to one day at a time.

Thank you again for being so open and honest.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to write, but I'm really glad you did. I needed to read every word you wrote. I've had to go back and reread and reread what you said just to keep myself going today.  Blessings to you and your family, Adria

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Adria

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2018, 04:45:50 PM »
GettingOOTF,

The hospital told us not to let him come back home, that they would find him housing.  You know what they did?  They shipped him to a hospital two hours away.  Wouldn't talk to us on the phone. I finally got through and the lady said she didn't have time to listen to my concerns and hung up on me.  Next thing we knew, son was home.  They threw him out in the street, and he drove himself home high on loading doses of anti-pshychotics in a rental car. 

The state we live in is known for being the worst in the country for help in the mental health field. It's truly unbelievable.

I told my son today that he can't come home anymore and that we will put him up in a hotel until we can find somewhere for him to go. 

I'm so glad you are safe now. Thank you so much for your ideas and for taking the time to post.  I really do appreciate your support.  Hugs, Adria

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mdana

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Re: What in the world do we do now?
« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2018, 02:51:50 AM »
Oh, Mdana,

I feel every word your write.  It's like watching them die a thousand deaths and then we start dying as well.

Thank you for sharing your goodbye letter to your daughter. I am sitting here in tears after reading your words, but what else could you do? Nothing. You did everything you could and then some.  I understand completely.

I had to tell my son a few minutes ago that he cannot come home anymore. I felt it go through every cell in my body and feel very weak right now.  Your kind and true words gave me the strength I needed to say it.  I have no idea about the future, but I have to go back to one day at a time.

Thank you again for being so open and honest.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to write, but I'm really glad you did. I needed to read every word you wrote. I've had to go back and reread and reread what you said just to keep myself going today.  Blessings to you and your family, Adria

 :bighug:
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama