how to find acceptance of letting rails come off uBPDmom health and safety?

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Zebrastriped

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So, after enormous efforts on everyone's parts to get uBPDmom into health facility quickly, she bailed after a very very short stay.  Her health is not good and declining in spurts every 2 weeks or so now.  She and Dad can't keep track of her meds, she is a fall risk and she drives her caregiver (Dad) to the brink of exhaustion and explosion.

At this point, honest to goodness, I hope Dad collapsed at the medical facility trying to cart all her possessions out, with her degrading him all the way.  Then at least, they'd have no choice cause I sure ain't taking her home.

I need to accept didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. I put alot of effort over the past few years for a soft landing, but feel that I put the horse in the water,and it still didn't drink.

Part of me would like to keep helping them the way I was before, with errands and such.  Another part wonders if its kinder/quicker to cut off completely so the whole derailment happens faster.

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Amadahy

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I am so sorry!   I think the hardest thing I've yet done was not interfere when Nmom got tossed from a personal care home to a homeless shelter. It was awful, but she did get access to services that have been a godsend and for now she is stable and in a good living situation.  There will be resources when she absolutely has no choice.  And, if you're like I am, you can never do anything right or do enough anyway, in their thinking.  Please try to breathe and really know that you've done all you can.  Keep us posted - we really understand.  :hug:
« Last Edit: February 12, 2018, 03:26:02 PM by Amadahy »
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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JG65

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Zebrastriped,

I'm sorry your mother has put you in this position. You are not responsible for the consequences of her bad choices. In fact, when you help to clean up the consequences, you enable her.

My dNPD father decided to refuse to follow medical advice when he was recovering from an injury in a skilled nursing facility. They said he needed 24-7 supervision when he was discharged. My father believed he was still capable of living on his own and driving. I'd already tried having him live with me and it was even worse than I imagined it would be.

My father kept sabotaging his health and whenever things got bad, there I was to clean things up. It was so draining and it was impacting my ability to do my job, which we depend on to keep a roof over our heads, and my ability to spend time with my kids.  Going through the same situation multiple times was draining the life from me.

I ended up cutting contact with him. I was not going to help him go against medical advice and I was also not going to play any part in permitting him to drive. It is reasonable for you to say: I refuse to help you go against medical advice and you will need to find someone to help you when things go wrong.

Your father is capable of telling your mother no. He is making a choice not to. 

Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

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practical

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I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this really difficult and heart wrenching position. As you say so astutely "I put the horse in the water, and it still didn't drink" - really you have basically attempted to dunk the horse and it refuses to drink.  I know it is really hard, I had to do it twice now, in cases like this all you can do is step aside and let the train derail so professionals get a grasp of the real situation. You have tried everything else a gazillion times and it hasn't worked, I don't think you have any magic trick left to fix this situation other than to let the truth of the issues come to light. - I'm sorry for your father, just like mine he did make a choice and continues to do so. As a matter of fact B and I had major fights with F to stop enabling M just for a few days so APS could see how out of control the situation was. What I had to learn was that doing nothing was the best help I could offer instead of continuing to support in many little and large ways, as that wasn't helping just delaying the inevitable. In case it brings you any hope, M did a lot better after the train crashed and she was in professional care finally and nobody enabled her any more.
:bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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WomanInterrupted

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I agree - you've done everything in your power to get the horse to drink, but it still wouldn't, so it's time to step out of the picture and drop the rope.

Your father made the *choice* to take her home.  He has a mouth and he's capable of saying, "No, dear - I can't do that.  It's not safe for you.  You need professionals to help you."

But he didn't do that - he can now bear the responsibility of his own decisions, while you nix the idea of lifting a finger to help.

There comes a point when helping out really isn't helping - it's *covering* for them and hiding their shortcomings and deficits from the world.  You won't be preventing the train from crashing - it's still going to crash, regardless of what you do.

I had to do the same thing with unNPD Ray - he fell constantly, had a myriad of health issues, couldn't keep his meds straight, REFUSED to use a cane or walker because they're for old people (and 85 wasn't old?  :???:) and FIRED the team of carers his insurance company put in place for him when he was released from cardiac rehab.

They started sending men.  He couldn't sexually harass them.    :roll:   :barfy:

So I just stayed out of it, no matter how many social workers tried pressuring me - NO.  I will NOT be any sort of caregiver for *somebody who will not listen and has their picture in the dictionary next to the word stubborn.*

When Ray would call here ("Call me back - I have to tell you something."  "Call me back - you gotta take me to the hospital.") - I'd delete his messages.  As time went on, I deleted them without listening to them.   :ninja:

He took an ambulance to the hospital and a cab home, BTW, so he wasn't entirely helpless.

I knew it was only a matter of time before somebody noticed his mail and papers piling up, had the cops break in and found him at the bottom of the basement stairs (he was told to try not to go down there, which made him use those stairs even MORE  :roll:), either dead or in serious condition - and it took me a while, but I finally became OKAY with it, because *he was the one making all the really bad decisions, and he was competent, which meant he was allowed to do so.*

And that's the scenario that played out - except it was on the day his visiting nurse was coming and it was only the bathroom floor.  He was pulled out by paramedics - they thought he'd broken his hip - and that was the end of that.  He was declared incompetent and placed in a nursing home.

His Life Alert button was within reach and he didn't use it, probably because he thought the visiting nurse would drag me over there and scream, "DO YOUR JOB!  Get him up, clean him up and start being a proper daughter, you slacker!"   :aaauuugh:

Yes, I think the whole thing was a complete setup by Ray, but as usual, he overplayed his hand.  I stayed riiiiiiiiiiight here and let the professionals deal with it!   8-)

That scenario I mentioned with the basement?  I saw it in my mind's eye from the moment unBPD Didi died and Ray was in the house alone.  I'd seen it in my mind's eye over and over and over again and I became comfortable with it.

I suggest you do the same thing - see the most likely outcome in your mind's eye and realize there is *nothing* to stop that from happening.

Or see several, if that helps, while remembering they're allowed to make all the bad decisions and poor choices they want.

The only thing I'd do is mention the possibility of them getting Life Alert, but other than that, if you think they're going to become bothersome, you might want to consider blocking their number.

It sounds like you have something of a decent relationship with your father, but remember - he picked her.  He can do all the caring himself.  If he can't, he can't just call you up to be his relief pitcher. 

He needs to hire professionals or anybody not named Zebrastriped.    :yes:

I recommend a pre-emptive blocking if you expect your phone to blow up.  You know them best, so it's up to you - but if you have a feeling they're going to be calling nonstop, I'd block the number *before* you're traumatized from it.

You don't need that, on top of everything else, and in a moment of weakness, give in - which will just make shit spin out of control *for you and your FOC!*   :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

You didn't cause it.  You can't cure it.  You can't control it.  But you CAN stay the FAR away from it and let the train derail.

Ray has been in the nursing home nearly 2 years.  That's *two years* where I get to live MY life and heal from past trauma and abuse instead of having more of it piled on, every day.   ;D

Letting the wheels fall off, organically, was one of the smartest, sanest, healthiest decisions I've ever made.  Ray is getting the care he NEEDS, not the care he thinks he deserves.

I hope this helps.  :)

 :hug:


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Zebrastriped

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All good advice, that I'm going to have to postpone taking.  My sister is contemplating jumping into the situation herself.  We are still in the discussion stage of this.  Really, I'm just kicking the can down the road, hoping she passes safely in bed before the big fall.  I know we are at the place where professionals need to be providing the care, but sis has not experienced it herself yet.

Stayed tuned for more from the 'As the Elder Fails' cue soap opera music.

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Zebrastriped

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PS.  Thanks everybody for reminding me there are other options and listening to the absurdities.

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practical

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If your sister wants to jump into the pool that is her choice  :sharkbait: , you can safely stay in your lounge chair and enjoy the sun. You don't have to endanger your life or sanity for others, you can stick with validating her if she comes to you how difficult this all is without ever doing anything.

B is still much more involved and it is his choice, mine is to stay at least 2 ft away from the water's edge or at most come right to the edge, but definitely not go in there anymore and try to sort things out for thrashing, biting F.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Kieveen

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It's hard to know when to step in or just completely step out.  With my parents I've always enabled them.  So I hope I've learned not to be the white knight whenever there is  the slightest problem.  Now I'm just waiting for the wheels to fall off.  My M and F can be toxic at times and I don't want to expose my FOC to anymore than I've already have but I love both my parents and want to be there for them as well. 

With my OCPDMIL and FIl, DH and I waited till things were pretty much life or death before we stepped in to handle it.  Initially it was horrible but things are working at well now that they are both settled in ASLF and they have a team of people to handle their care.

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practical

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I realized last night, part of acceptance for me was that I was sooooo exhausted, I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like Sisyphos after the umpteenth time rolling up the boulder, only the boulder kept hitting me on the way back down, something that didn't happen to Sisyphos. So in a way it was acceptance that I couldn't do it anymore, accepting my state of exhaustion and defeat. I just didn't have the energy for one more circular argument, one more battle over some commonsense issue that had been turned into a drama production with 5 acts. When I couldn't go one step further, I accepted.

Maybe without OOTF I would have gone longer, still be engaged even with F, coming here made the futility of what I had been and was still doing so clear that it started to weigh even heavier on me. I couldn't pretend anymore that I was actually making anything better, rescuing F or helping him, in truth I was enabling him and destroying me for nothing. She sheer quixotic nature of it all - I had black humoredly joked about it for a long time with B - but now I accepted it and with acceptance came stopping to play Sancho Panza to F's Don Quixote.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Kapeka

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Re: how to find acceptance of letting rails come off uBPDmom health and safety?
« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2018, 08:35:04 PM »
Thank you for the Leonard Cohen quote.  It brought tears to my eyes and are helping me to put myself together after a difficult few days, and the reality that I'll be traveling with my mom all day tomorrow. No matter how much I plan, she is going to be disagreeable about most things that happen tomorrow.