He's moving in with another woman

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Hattie

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He's moving in with another woman
« on: February 12, 2018, 06:54:13 PM »
I found out this evening that H is moving in with another woman.  Sometime this week apparently. He claims she is "just a friend" and that he's just renting a room from her but I severely doubt it.  This woman lent him money before Christmas which I thought was pretty dodgy at the time, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I cannot believe that he is just moving in with another woman straight off- what the hell?  I am absolutely livid and incredibly hurt. This evening has not been my finest hour as I sent him a series of abusive text messages. We are both staying away from home tonight. I guess he is with her😯 I am with friends. How do I handle this with dignity? I feel like killing him.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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LightOrb

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 07:00:25 PM »
Let him go with a smile. Better her than you. Remember all the disrespectful things he's done, and compare it with the loving stuff. Chances are the first list is going to be several times longer than the second one. And then let him go, for no more of the things on the first time will happen to you. It will hurt, but being alone hurts less than having somebody sleeping by your side and being alone anyway, even if you are not really aware of what's happening.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2018, 06:53:11 AM »
Hattie I am sorry for your pain. I second what LightOrb said. I know itís hard and it probably doesnít feel like it right now, but heís done you a favor.

Your reaction is understandable, donít beat yourself up. I would just focus on moving forward and finding healthier ways to deal with your hurt.   Have you spoken to a solicitor? That would be my first step. Find out what your rights are. A lot of these relationships donít last, and often the man is reluctant to pull the trigger on 100% leaving so everyone lives in limbo while he figures out what he wants. Make a plan for yourself, figure out the life you want to live and go get it.

Heís left to live with another woman, even if he came back could you still look at him the same way? On top of everything else he brings into your marriage, you would then have to worry when he would do that again.

Itís a slightly different situation, but my ex moving in with his GF while we divorced was really the best thing. It gave him something else to focus on and also motivated him to move forward with the divorce (she was pressuring him).

You are strong and you can do this!

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2018, 08:33:57 AM »
Hattie, your situation is very common across these boards. Not that it makes it any easier to deal with.

My u/npd exH maintained at the least an emotional affair with the woman he finally left me for throughout our marriage.

She was always "just a friend". As soon as he moved out she labelled herself his "best friend".

 :barfy:

 ::)

What is it with these people? Do they really think we're stupid enough to believe them?

And why can't they have the decency to at least wait until they are no longer MARRIED?   

I mean, how do they introduce their new "love"? "Hi, this is my mistress. My wife's over there."? Don't they realise how bad they look, let alone are?

Sorry. It just makes me so angry. And the destruction they leave behind they are utterly clueless about. Devastation that has lasting effects for generations.

Sorry for the rant. Unhelpful.

AOD

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StayWithMe

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2018, 09:07:57 AM »
Quote
He claims she is "just a friend" and that he's just renting a room from her but I severely doubt it.  This woman lent him money before Christmas which I thought was pretty dodgy at the time, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Some women are pretty desperate.  Do you know how old she is?

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LightOrb

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2018, 09:46:14 AM »
What is it with these people? Do they really think we're stupid enough to believe them?

And why can't they have the decency to at least wait until they are no longer MARRIED? 

Because we are not people. Our feelings don't matter because we are belongings. We do something useful for them, but not everything, so they get another one. But we still are useful tools, so they will try to keep us around for as long as they can. That is the reason we need to leave: being treated as objects damages us beyond recognition.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2018, 12:54:28 PM »
She's about a year younger than him. I'm about 5 years older than him.

His nanna used to say (in front of me) that he should have married her instead of me. Well she's got her wish.

AOD

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LightOrb

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2018, 02:54:29 PM »
She's about a year younger than him. I'm about 5 years older than him.

His nanna used to say (in front of me) that he should have married her instead of me. Well she's got her wish.

Oh, yeah, my ex's father must have been dancing in pure happiness since I'm out of the picture. He never dared to say anything in my face or treat me like he did to all other women in his life. He is a coward, after all. He could only manipulate and bribe with money, and that's how he keeps everybody in control. And you know what? It is an amazing world this one where I don't have to see him ever again. Where he will NEVER enter mi home again. Where I will never have to look at him again and see him doing the disgusting things he does, such as using his beard as dental floss. It is magical that I will never have to follow them in trips where I was the sympathetic ear for my ex to rant every night about the selfishness of his dad. I am SO GLAD he is out of my life forever and he will never be back. If losing my dream is the price to pay to get rid of that horrible malignant NPD, it's a price I will gladly pay.

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Hattie

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2018, 04:26:14 PM »
Thanks guys! I appreciate all the support. The update is that he's actually left. Came home to a half empty house. Was in floods of tears for about an hour, but right now I'm feeling... Awesome actually. Shouldn't think it will last; maybe it's just relief! I am sitting with my adult colouring book watching the Winter Olympics with the cat purring next to me.

Well, it's nice not to be in limbo anymore anyway.

I think I got so upset because it feels like he's replaced me and that makes me feel entirely interchangeable with any other woman, as though I am as Light Orb says, an object.

AoD- sorry to hear you went through the same thing. It's just crazy - so shameless! There is no good reason not to wait until actually separated! And it irks me that he doesn't want to be accountable for the hurt he is causing me too.

Getting OOTF-  I can see what mean about how him having a distraction might be good. In a sense I was sort of worried about what would happen to him if we broke up. One of my friends thinks that he is not confident to live independently, and that  whatever the nature of their relationship, this woman has given him the opportunity to leave me whilst carrying on his lifestyle of being dependent on someone else. At least I will not have to worry about him attempting suicide or drinking himself into a stupor. She can deal with that!

Stay with me -  judging by her Facebook photo, she's about 40, same age as my ex. I think she is quite recently divorced. Perhaps the idea is that they will heal each others broken hearts!

Honestly, what a performance. And the day before Valentine's too! A classy move.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 04:28:30 PM by Hattie »
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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LightOrb

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2018, 04:33:54 PM »
Getting OOTF-  I can see what mean about how him having a distraction might be good. In a sense I was sort of worried about what would happen to him if we broke up. One of my friends thinks that he is not confident to live independently, and that  whatever the nature of their relationship, this woman has given him the opportunity to leave me whilst carrying on his lifestyle of being dependent on someone else. At least I will not have to worry about him attempting suicide or drinking himself into a stupor. She can deal with that!

A lifetime ago, our friends told me he was never going to leave his previous girlfriend until he was sure he had me. "He can't be alone", they said. We were almost children then, college students. And yet they knew him with terrifying accuracy. If the darkness is so deep he can't be alone for a second, I'm better on my own. I don't have trouble being alone.

:bighug: for you and a purr for your cat. I wish he is so good to you as my furson is to me. He is my light now.

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Siren

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2018, 04:35:24 PM »
Hattie,

Hugs to you. I know how sad/excited/sad/anxious/confused, then repeat, you must feel. Almost exactly a year ago, the same thing happened to me, and in a few months, I hope to be getting the final divorce. Today, I am less of all of these feelings, but it does still somewhat hurt, but mostly, a year later, I really believe he did me a favor. My kids are good, and we're safe. I had to pay him $ to go away, but he's gone, thank goodness. So, now you can finally start living again.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

― Carl Jung

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heartinhand

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2018, 04:28:34 PM »
Hattie:  I just saw your post and wanted to reply.  I know how hurt and aggravated you are...my ex has now moved a new woman in with him, less than 3 months out of my leaving.  I found out on Valentine's day and was very hurt at first but then I realized...WHOOPEE... he can now focus on someone else instead of trying to make me feel bad.  I wish him luck (& I wish HER luck as it is not easy to be with him). 

Now, you can focus on yourself.  Now you can tackle life head on.  You can work on yourself.  I realized that him moving this new girl in was just another way for him to avoid dealing with himself and his cr@p!  It's very hard to look inward and do the work to look at yourself and fix your issues.

You've been through a lot with this relationship, so this is really a good thing!

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Hattie

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #12 on: February 18, 2018, 04:40:54 PM »
Thanks, Heart in Hand. So we both had a pretty crap Valentine's Day then!

You are right-this is a good opportunity to gain some perspective and improve my own life. Everything suddenly seems very quiet. I'm not sure I completely like it but it is good to be away from his stress. Unfortunately my ex is hassling me for contact! Seems to want to have it both ways

It seems like 3 months out you are feeling quite positive? Good that you can see the bright side x
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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heartinhand

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #13 on: February 18, 2018, 05:06:58 PM »
Hi Hattie!  I've had some good and some sad times, but the sad times seem to be less and less. 

I'm sure your ex does want to have contact, a toe in the door, perhaps a back up plan.

It is hard to separate from someone, even if it was a bad situation, because that person is a familiar.  You are going to feel better and better each day.  There is some nostalgia and pain but just think of it as growth.  I think that people are placed in my life for various reasons - my ex was there for a lesson.  He taught me what I don't want out of life and made me appreciate what I do want.  I miss some things about him, but I really don't miss that nervous feeling I had in my stomach every day.  It was a hard lesson to take and I lost years of my life learning it (even leaving and going back a few times).  I'm a better person now and probably more appreciative.

You go girl!  I've been reading your posts.  You are strong and intelligent.  You've got so much going for you.  You will rock from here on out as you gain your strength! 

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Hattie

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Re: He's moving in with another woman
« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2018, 05:38:18 PM »
Thanks so much, Heart in Hand. I know exactly what you mean about the nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is strange not to feel that anymore, but quite welcome I have to say! Like you, I do see the whole relationship as a massive learning experience. A tough one, but hopefully I will be happier in future for it. Thanks a lot for your message. It's very fortifying to hear from others to understand.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.