Hello GUILT - you old friend

  • 8 Replies
  • 401 Views
*

Bellie

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 48
Hello GUILT - you old friend
« on: February 12, 2018, 10:09:54 PM »
I was wondering if not hearing anything for 6 weeks from my NM was as bad as hoovering. My question was answered! Silent treatment is WAY better! I have since blocked all numbers and wattsapp and messenger.

I got a message from my enStepDad telling me that my mum has been to hospital for tests. All is well, thankfully, but ...
and I quote...

"the main issue is high stress levels which are making the auto immune conditions worse. You won't be surprised that your estrangement is the main cause of her unhappiness... Her continuing worry and concern about you are big factors and her attempts to explain these fears to you seem to make matters worse. Please try to make contact as she loves you very much."

Since I was 11 my NM has been ill - with one thing or another. All auto-immune based. Stress induced. She had ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis - or chronic fatigue syndrome) - I only just realized the irony of the acronym!! - since I was 14. I have been a caregiver since I can remember.

When I had children it all became clear (or foggy) and now after 8 years of VERY hard work I have decided to go NC.

It has been 5 and half months - 6 weeks of nothing - and then boom - this.

I felt awful getting this message. I am an awful person to do this to someone. And yet ... I am not a bad person. I am loved. I am lovable. I am deserving of love. I am NC to protect myself and my family. I still feel awful. Ugh!!!

I think the message to take away from this 'rant' is No Contact (in the true sense of the word) is the ONLY way!

*

Gaining Clarity

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 212
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 11:19:42 PM »
Hi Bellie,

Well if your enStepDad's message isn't FOG, I don't know what is  :stars:

In my estimation, if the situation were really that dire, your NM would make amends with you; thereby alleviating her "stress" and medical conditions.

I went NC nearly six weeks ago and the ST from NM and Nsibs is wonderful! So liberating and peaceful. I'm sleeping SO much better and am very productive too.

Weirdly, I received a V-day card with a very sterile message from NM. No "I'm sorry I assassinated your character and kicked you out of my house the last time you came over to help me out." No "I'm sorry I tried to get your DH and other assorted relatives to side with me and do my bidding." Why? Because she doesn't really care. She and sibs are a lost cause. One that I have no time or energy for. Focus on what matters in your life. Love and support those who love and support you.

Interestingly, I was so indifferent when I saw NM's card. No anxiety or sadness or anger. However, I did get a good chuckle. No "Love, NM" at the end of a card centered around a holiday that's all about love. Oh the irony.

Our guilt buttons are easily pushed. You are NOT an awful person as evidence by the fact that you've been your NM's caregiver for many years and are able to have loving family relationships with your FOC. Like you, I went NC mainly because I didn't want my adult DS to endure the abuse my FOO subjects on all of us. I want to break the cycle of dysfunction that has been passed down through four generations.



*

Memyself

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 112
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2018, 11:41:47 AM »
I was wondering if not hearing anything for 6 weeks from my NM was as bad as hoovering. My question was answered! Silent treatment is WAY better! I have since blocked all numbers and wattsapp and messenger.

I got a message from my enStepDad telling me that my mum has been to hospital for tests. All is well, thankfully, but ...
and I quote...

"the main issue is high stress levels which are making the auto immune conditions worse. You won't be surprised that your estrangement is the main cause of her unhappiness... Her continuing worry and concern about you are big factors and her attempts to explain these fears to you seem to make matters worse. Please try to make contact as she loves you very much."

Since I was 11 my NM has been ill - with one thing or another. All auto-immune based. Stress induced. She had ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis - or chronic fatigue syndrome) - I only just realized the irony of the acronym!! - since I was 14. I have been a caregiver since I can remember.

When I had children it all became clear (or foggy) and now after 8 years of VERY hard work I have decided to go NC.

It has been 5 and half months - 6 weeks of nothing - and then boom - this.

I felt awful getting this message. I am an awful person to do this to someone. And yet ... I am not a bad person. I am loved. I am lovable. I am deserving of love. I am NC to protect myself and my family. I still feel awful. Ugh!!!

I think the message to take away from this 'rant' is No Contact (in the true sense of the word) is the ONLY way!

Let me lift the FOG a bit.  You haven't got the power to do this to anyone.  She is responsible for how she handles stress, just like the rest of us.  Just like the rest of us, she has the power to make changes in her life to help her better cope with life.

The fact that they are happy to lay this at your feet shows how far out of whack their boundaries are. 

Your mom's life and her health are hers, you are not responsible for them.  You didn't cause them and you can't fix them. She and her doctors are the only ones who can.

Big  :bighug: and a buncha empathy for you. 

*

Bellie

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 48
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2018, 01:20:58 PM »
Thank you Memyself and Gaining Clarity,

Yes I am breaking the cycle - but it has its moments!

I see the good that comes from protecting myself and my family and I must focus on that. I have a cheat sheet in the kitchen which I read as often as I need, sometimes more often than not! I need to remind myself that my NM's health and happiness is not my responsibility, but sometimes that is hard when you are suddenly blindsided by messages aimed to create FOG.

I suppose I am just wondering right now what to do with it? Reply? Ignore?  :stars: I always feel like I haven't explained it enough to her? But then I realize that I have and it just goes in one ear and out the other! Should I reply to make myself feel that I have done all I can? But then I wonder if I will ever feel that way?  :no:

Anyway, thank you so much for your support! I truly appreciate it!  :)

*

Memyself

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 112
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2018, 01:36:38 PM »
Oh my goodness!  I had cheat sheets posted all over my house in the first few months of NC to help me stay strong and keep my boundaries!  I've removed most of them, but still have one up that is my "mantra" and one about gaslighting.

I think they are a wonderful way to keep us Out of the FOG that we battle just on a daily basis, let alone when someone is *trying* to manipulate and FOG you!

Personally, I don't know what I'd do with the email.

Maybe, keep handing it back and putting the responsibility where it belongs.  Something like, "Sorry to hear mom is still struggling with knowing how to deal with the stress in her life,s o much so that it continues to affect her health.  I've had to learn to handle mine by using boundaries, maybe you could buy her the Boundaries book and you could do it together to learn how to do things in a way that helps life go more smoothly for you?"

*

Memyself

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 112
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2018, 01:43:59 PM »
And then...I'd probably seriously consider going NC with him as well. Flying monkeys are too much for me...the too easily worm around in my head and make me turn on myself. :(

*

elly87

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 261
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2018, 06:21:31 PM »
as though you are responsible for her decision to worry about you so much she is hospitalized? girl, bye.

like the above posters have stated, she chooses how to handle 'stress' and whether her stress has anything to do with you, just like you choose how much space she occupies in your brain.

healthy people don't behave this way and they don't stress so much about a person that they end up in the hospital. this is self-inflicted, as a symptom of her PD, and she will need to give up her secondary gain of attention and manipulating others to do what she wants in order to really get better. will it happen? wouldn't hold my breath.

Stay Strong and live your own healthy life and good for you for doing what you feel is best to achieve that!

*

newme_whodis

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 144
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2018, 05:39:16 PM »
... I am not a bad person. I am loved. I am lovable. I am deserving of love. I am NC to protect myself and my family. I still feel awful. Ugh!!!

I think the message to take away from this 'rant' is No Contact (in the true sense of the word) is the ONLY way!

 :yeahthat:
All of this completely nails how I'm feeling right now too! My enabler father just called upon my local police to "check on my welfare" because he and NM are "worried," have "no idea why" I haven't contacted them, etc. They actually believe it's our job to toe the line and allow them to violate our boundaries, because that will somehow equate to them "sleeping better" or whatever the ailment they (heartlessly) blame us for.

I'm so glad that you see through the guilt, and know that you're doing the right thing, for the right reasons. His message does not warrant a response from you. Ignore, block! And bravo to you for writing these affirmations out– they're so helpful to read!

*

MindyMoon

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 44
Re: Hello GUILT - you old friend
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2018, 06:14:21 PM »
According to my father - I am killing my mother.  I have been slowly killing her and he says that on her death bed I will regret it and he only wants what is best for me - which is not to have regrets.

Meanwhile on planet earth.  My mother has chose the silent treatment because I dared to catch her in several horrible relationship ruining lies about me, my husband and my children and I DARED to ask her to admit and apologize.

He even told me I need to just pretend to be happy with her again.