parental inconsistencies making me feel crazy?

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Meow_Meow

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parental inconsistencies making me feel crazy?
« on: February 12, 2018, 10:46:17 PM »
I wondered if this is part of other people's common experiences with PD parents or if this is something particular to my mum.

The biggest examples of apparent inconsistent motivations/stated aims were that I was going to be taken out of school before sitting my GCSEs (school leaving exams) here in the UK (technically legal but very, very rare - everyone including street cleaners etc will've taken their GCSE's, even if they didn't do amazingly in them, they still would've been sat), my mum stating that I was going to put my name down for a council house and get a night job in the local factory. I was then permitted to sit them, but my dad got me out of bed at 2am every morning before them the re-iron his shirts, which weren't done to his standards apparently.

Then I leave home to live with my grandad and sit a levels. I spent my last year chronically ill and didn't get into the unis I'd applied for. So I had to go through clearing. My mum refused to speak to me until I'd got a university place. Like, I think she went 3-4 days?? Why would that be important for someone who wanted me working in the biscuit factory at 16??

There were other times when she'd permit me to do something, like go somewhere or see a friend, and then either at the last minute or after I got back go CRAZY about how I wasn't allowed to do that or I never told her or something when I had CLEARLY asked her/informed her where I'd be etc. Lots of times in front of other adults? So many times I got back from a friend's house and she would be UP IN ARMS 'where have you been??' and I would get a 30 minute screaming drama over it resulting in some form of punishment and how awful and selfish I was. I wondered if anyone else had experienced this type of stuff, if it sounds more like dementia to you or is it a deliberate tactic of abuse? It was so out of nowhere and she always seemed so genuinely shocked I really used to think she was semi-severely mentally ill in a way I couldn't diagnose. But also, she was and is really vindictive so I can't be sure :(

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Qilin~

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Re: parental inconsistencies making me feel crazy?
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2018, 03:34:23 AM »
I can definitely relate to a lot of that. I think a lot of it is just trying to control you, keep you off balance. My one parent in particular has always made a big deal out of getting a good education and now I am realizing how much they have actually covertly and recently overtly sabotaged my funding and housing to continue school. It is a never ending series of hoops to jump through to get any help from them even as they go on about how important it is. So despite being a good student and getting lots of scholarships, I don’t know if / when I can finish. And I think this actually really pleases them, because I am beginning to see the hidden vindictiveness more and more. GC sibling had everything paid for by them of course (which they can easily afford).

So, it is like they get pleasure in telling you what to do, “letting” you do things, but then pulling the rug out from under you maybe? My pd m once told me I could order a shirt online that I liked, then when I mentioned it again (nicely and matter of factly, because who would think it would be such a big deal?), lost her mind screaming and yelling. I think it is a deliberate tactic, but it is so over the top I know what you mean about starting to wonder if they have dementia or something.

Or also, they just think of you as a reflection / extension of themselves. So they “should” encourage you to go to uni, but with no real empathy to your actual thoughts and feelings, and the underlying vindictiveness means they want to sabotage you from having a successful life even if their own life is fine.

Not sure if that is helpful, but just wanted to reply and let you know I can relate to the crazy making feeling.

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LightOrb

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Re: parental inconsistencies making me feel crazy?
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2018, 07:27:56 AM »
I don't know if it's the same thing, but I would ask, get permission, and then using whatever excuse uBPD M could find, like I didn't clean in the morning or I didn't say thank you or something like that, she would deny me the permission. She also did the trick of telling me "I'll think about it", showing me clearly she didn't want me to do that, and then never telling me about it. I was too scared to ask again, so I never did what I wanted. The last funny one was in our fights: she would say "I wanted to give you this or that, or allow you to got here and there, and I would have let you if you didn't [whatever]".

There never was a pattern. There never was a way I could understand how to ask and get what I wanted. And every time I asked I was made feel I was so selfish. It's not the same, but it's also very crazy making.

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free_thoughts

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Re: parental inconsistencies making me feel crazy?
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2018, 08:52:43 AM »
Hi Meow-Meow. You are not alone with this, I agree with Qilin that this is to do with having control over you and putting you on edge. My Mum used to do this when I was younger and lived at home. Her approach was slightly different, she would give me permission to attend an event, then on the day of the event she would often say I couldn't go anymore because I hadn't done enough hours revision/cleaned my bedroom/washed my uniform/done a bit of homework or if we had argued about something my punishment would be that I couldn't go. The most frustrating part of these scenarios would be that after the event was over, she was say to me "wasn't there an event today? why didn't you go?", I would tell her it was because she hadn't let me, and she would normally follow up with " well you are old enough to decide if you have time to go"etc. etc. and normally a tale about how at my age she wouldn't have let anyone tell her not to do something.

Although this was a common theme, I never disobeyed her because the consequences would have been worse. Her contradictions would always leave me in a state of confusion and feeling trapped.

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StayWithMe

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Re: parental inconsistencies making me feel crazy?
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2018, 08:59:51 AM »
My parents were / are like that.  But not to that degree.  So I guess it took longer for me to figure it out.

MM, so now you know, your success in life will not make your parents happy.  Do whatever you can to not be dependent on them and find your own network for the emotional support you will need.

I wish I had disassaciated from my parents at a much younger age.  You may not need to go complete NC, just LC and on your terms.

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blacksheep7

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Re: parental inconsistencies making me feel crazy?
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2018, 09:33:59 AM »
Yes, it is control >:(    He have to be what our PD's would like us to be or become.
I was 18 yrs old, working a respectable office  job, even though I never got my High School diploma (got in later in life) and I was planning to go to the winter carnaval in another city for the weekend with a trusted friend which is a big event but NF threatened me, again.  He knew I was going the weekend my parents were having a dinner party and wanted me to stay home to help M with the cooking and preparations telling me that if I didn't stay, my suitcases would be waiting for me at the door upon my return.  :aaauuugh:  I went being the SG and they weren't waiting for me but had to face an angry man, again.  The kicking me out was his favorite weapon.
I did plenty of helping out with the chores in my teens, helping with the homework and babysitting the younger ones very often on Saturday nights when my PD parents went out to their friends.  Mind you, I liked not having them around, it was freedom.   Unfortunately their friends  seemed more important than their children.   We were to serve them.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.