Am I alone in this ????

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EnglishLady

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Am I alone in this ????
« on: February 13, 2018, 06:27:24 AM »
Please could anyone please tell me they experience the same thing as me as I have NEVER come across anyone in the same situation as me !!!

Cut a long story short does anyone's adult children "betray" you by visiting your parents, or other family members behind your backs ?   Well my daughter does.  Yes I cant stop her, but my parents were never in her life as a child, I was asked to leave the family home as I was a teenage single parent, always worked hard for my daughter and gave her everything.  :sadno:  Sorry, it just really hurts me.

You're comments are very much appreciated......thank you so much x


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StayWithMe

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2018, 08:48:48 AM »
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Cut a long story short does anyone's adult children "betray" you by visiting your parents, or other family members behind your backs ? 

Let's start from the top:  How is it betraying when your daughter visits mutual family members?

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EnglishLady

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2018, 03:28:01 AM »
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Cut a long story short does anyone's adult children "betray" you by visiting your parents, or other family members behind your backs ? 

Let's start from the top:  How is it betraying when your daughter visits mutual family members?

Because, in a nut shell , I have had nearly 50 years of emotional abuse from both parents so I'd like to think my own daughter would have empathy towards me.  I would never strop her, obviously, visiting them but It still hurts.  I'm sure you can see THAT :)

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Danie

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2018, 07:53:08 AM »
Hi English Lady. I'm sorry for your hurt and I'd like to share my experience with you that has similarities. My mom was a teenage mother and had a very rough time of it. I was closer to my grandmother as a result and it created some jealous feelings I think.
Bear in mind, I'm not speaking from a professional standpoint.
I was closer to my grandmother because she listened to me and never insulted or hurt me. I'm not saying you have, but I got the warm fuzzies I needed from her. My mom was so screwed up, dealing with her issues and dumped it all on her kids. I don't have one good memory of my childhood with her. Again, I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but if you didn't totally protect her and provide her with skills to grow and be an adult she might just not feel good around you.
I know you tried, but she owes you nothing because she didn't ask to be born in that situation.
I think the best thing you can do is be happy she has someone that loves her and makes her feel good. Take care of yourself and maybe she will be attracted to a strong happy healthy mom that has something to offer her. Maybe slowly try to create some good memories with her.
She suffered too! It must be hard for struggling mothers to see that.  Leaver her be and don't accuse her of anything; just try and do good things to help her life.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think that is the truth and maybe someone can back me up.

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moglow

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2018, 08:10:30 AM »
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I have had nearly 50 years of emotional abuse from both parents so I'd like to think my own daughter would have empathy towards me.  I would never strop her, obviously, visiting them but It still hurts. 

I'm sorry you're hurting over your daughter's relationship with your parents. It has to be difficult to watch given the circumstances, but it's not necessarily betrayal of you. Even though those are your parents, for your daughter it really is a separate relationship. Her visiting other family members is about *her* relationship with them, not as some sort of getting back at you.

My mother deeply resented our contact with family members she didn't like or had a bad/nonexistent relationship with. Problem for us was, that was very changeable on a good day - a friend one day might be an enemy the next. She would make a lot of snide or angry comments about them and make it clear that if we weren't with her we were against her. We honestly weren't choosing sides - it wasn't our fight and we wanted no part of it. We wanted to see our family, not be isolated from them.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I suspect your daughter is much the same. She's not demeaning you or excusing them in any way, by not wanting to lose her family.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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EnglishLady

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2018, 08:17:20 AM »
. Again, I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but if you didn't totally protect her and provide her with skills to grow and be an adult she might just not feel good around you.

I ALWAYS protected her and still do to this very day.  My Mother is a classic nasty Narc.  My nieces and nephews wont go anywhere near her.  My daughter was hoovered by my Enabler father via an email.  My daughter and I have a very loving relationship, she isnt close to my Mother at all .  I just disnt like the fact she was hoovered.  Plus I find your response extremely hurtful by the way, I would NEVER assume a parent didn't Protect their child.  I thought this site was supposed to be supportive !

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EnglishLady

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2018, 08:23:54 AM »
Thank you for your kind response.  My daughter has since told me that the visit to my Mothers was as suspected.  She commenced to call me names so my daughter left and told her she wouldn't return as she doesnt want to hear her calling her Mother (me) nasty names.  My Father just sat there  and didnt say a word as per usual.  So my Narc Mother has played right into my hands and shown what a nasty piece of work she is  :sadno:  Job done .

Quote
I have had nearly 50 years of emotional abuse from both parents so I'd like to think my own daughter would have empathy towards me.  I would never strop her, obviously, visiting them but It still hurts. 

I'm sorry you're hurting over your daughter's relationship with your parents. It has to be difficult to watch given the circumstances, but it's not necessarily betrayal of you. Even though those are your parents, for your daughter it really is a separate relationship. Her visiting other family members is about *her* relationship with them, not as some sort of getting back at you.

My mother deeply resented our contact with family members she didn't like or had a bad/nonexistent relationship with. Problem for us was, that was very changeable on a good day - a friend one day might be an enemy the next. She would make a lot of snide or angry comments about them and make it clear that if we weren't with her we were against her. We honestly weren't choosing sides - it wasn't our fight and we wanted no part of it. We wanted to see our family, not be isolated from them.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I suspect your daughter is much the same. She's not demeaning you or excusing them in any way, by not wanting to lose her family.

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Danie

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2018, 08:44:35 AM »
I'm sorry, I tried to choose my words carefully and I'm going by my experience. My mom didn't protect me but it sounds like you did.

Here's another way to look at it: Maybe think about what you didn't do for her as a child or what she didn't get that she deserved. Every child deserves 2 parents, unconditional love and tools to grow and have a chance at life and not to be exposed to adult problems.

Please accept my apology and continue to work on it. It would be great to hear you find some peace and success with this! 

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EnglishLady

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2018, 09:16:33 AM »
Thank you Danie, that means a lot.   My heads all over the place with this, I never get any peace with it.  After how I was treated as a child I made sure my own daughter would never have to deal with anything similar from me.  Thank you again and I sincerely hope you find peace with your own situation.  Sending hugs and thanks again  xxx


I'm sorry, I tried to choose my words carefully and I'm going by my experience. My mom didn't protect me but it sounds like you did.

Here's another way to look at it: Maybe think about what you didn't do for her as a child or what she didn't get that she deserved. Every child deserves 2 parents, unconditional love and tools to grow and have a chance at life and not to be exposed to adult problems.

Please accept my apology and continue to work on it. It would be great to hear you find some peace and success with this!

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LightOrb

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2018, 09:23:27 AM »
I ALWAYS protected her and still do to this very day.  My Mother is a classic nasty Narc.  My nieces and nephews wont go anywhere near her.  My daughter was hoovered by my Enabler father via an email.  My daughter and I have a very loving relationship, she isnt close to my Mother at all .  I just disnt like the fact she was hoovered.  Plus I find your response extremely hurtful by the way, I would NEVER assume a parent didn't Protect their child.  I thought this site was supposed to be supportive !

This site is supportive. However, keep in mind that many of us come from those non protective parents. You yourself know parents can be non protective, yours were. So where that 'NEVER' is coming from?

I will not come again to comment because I found your way of write, very absolute and black and white, very triggering. For several years my mom pretended that her enemies were mine. And the truth is, we are two separated persons, so it's very possible to have different relationships with the same people. My ex MIL was the same 'if you are not 100% with me, you are 100% against me'. Honestly, in this situation I would expect you to be really worried about your daughter, because getting close to a narc is guaranteed damage. Even if your mother were to pretend to be sweet and caring to trap you daughter, you know the abuse will start sooner or later. It's never a matter of 'if', just 'when'. I can't see any of that in anything you've written.

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EnglishLady

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2018, 09:42:50 AM »
 ![/quote]

This site is supportive. However, keep in mind that many of us come from those non protective parents. You yourself know parents can be non protective, yours were. So where that 'NEVER' is coming from?

I will not come again to comment because I found your way of write, very absolute and black and white, very triggering. For several years my mom pretended that her enemies were mine. And the truth is, we are two separated persons, so it's very possible to have different relationships with the same people. My ex MIL was the same 'if you are not 100% with me, you are 100% against me'. Honestly, in this situation I would expect you to be really worried about your daughter, because getting close to a narc is guaranteed damage. Even if your mother were to pretend to be sweet and caring to trap you daughter, you know the abuse will start sooner or later. It's never a matter of 'if', just 'when'. I can't see any of that in anything you've written.
[/quote]

I meant a loving Mother like u or I would always protect their children -   My daughter is 28 and has witnessed years of my Mother being absolutely horrendous to me, she even wanted me to abort my daughter and when I refused she begged me to have her adopted.   My experience of my parents was and is horrendous - I try my best to give my daughter the facts and let her make her own decisions - if you see the post above it went horribly wrong this week when my daughter visited my Mother.  I wish you love and peace x

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LemonQuart

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2018, 02:12:47 PM »
“Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it's time for them to be hurt.” - Haruki Murakami

People don't always listen when you tell you that someone is manipulative and emotional abusive. They want to have their own experiences and find out for themselves. If your daughter also happens to be hurt by your parents, the most you can do is just be there for her and support her when/if it goes bad. Nobody will understand how she feels more than you.

If it's a matter of taking sides, like she's on their side now, that's a shame. But she's an adult so there's not much you can do about it. Trying to convince her that it's a betrayal of you and your life experience to associate with her grandparents is unadvisable. The harder you push to change her mindset, the less open she will be to listening.

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Hikercymru

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2018, 06:37:42 PM »
I think that maybe some posters really got the wrong end of the stick of Englishs situation.
She says that her mother was very abusive towards her and she kept her daughter away from her. Then daughter got hoovered but left when her grandmother spoke badly about her mother.
This is actually about taking sides, because the grand mother is so abusive. In this case it is not really fair to turn this one on English Lady.
IMO

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moglow

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2018, 06:52:32 PM »
Or we can all work on accepting that as adults we have decisions to make every day. We're going to make choices we wish we hadn't and some may hurt others more than we realize. No one is at fault here other than EL's mother dumping on her granddaughter for no good reason. EL's daughter wanted to try, wanted to reach out to her family in her own. She did, and saw what EL mother is made of.


Sometimes the only way we learn is to try. Hearing about it isn't the same as experiencing it, and Lord knows we all know how painful that can be.

“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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EnglishLady

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2018, 05:01:43 AM »
I think that maybe some posters really got the wrong end of the stick of Englishs situation.
She says that her mother was very abusive towards her and she kept her daughter away from her. Then daughter got hoovered but left when her grandmother spoke badly about her mother.
This is actually about taking sides, because the grand mother is so abusive. In this case it is not really fair to turn this one on English Lady.
IMO

Thank you, I appreciate that.  That is exactly what happened.  Its complicated, I don't expect everyone to understand.  As we all well  know all our situations are complicated and we do a brilliant job in keeping ourselves and our families safe. Its a daily uphill struggle for all of us and I truly understand that -  I wish you well and thank you for your kind words x

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EnglishLady

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2018, 05:16:16 AM »
Sometimes the only way we learn is to try. Hearing about it isn't the same as experiencing it, and Lord knows we all know how painful that can be.

That's a very profound way of putting it and so correct - thank you for your kind words of comfort it means a lot Moglow x

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Danie

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2018, 09:23:59 AM »
I'm glad someone brought up "black and white" thinking. I grew up around that and it's crazy-making. I learned to do it and now I try very hard not to and it has made me feel so much more centered.

My mother had many battles with 3 kids in tow and it was really painful. It was never (and I mean never) about her kids. She didn't even sign our report cards. Constant arguments with family members. Yet she was out doing un-motherly horrible things! One example: she was very promiscuous and I remember her waking me up and telling me she was almost raped. She went over to a guy's apartment and something happened where she ran out into the hallway naked and knocked on someone else's door. :stars:  I remember just feeling insane and scared.

I totally resent her for all of that! I know she didn't know better at the time. It dragged on into our adult lives - she still had issues with family and I didn't know the history. It made me sick that she was still bad mouthing people that I needed in my life. They weren't bad, she just had lifelong problems and assumed we were fighting her battles with her. We were not capable in any way of dealing with her stuff.

Ultimately we pushed her away and have struggled with our own lives as a result. I guess she wanted us to take sides, but it really never panned out that way. As adults now we are able to figure out what's right for us and we challenger her on her negativity kind of just distance ourselves when it's obnoxious.

She has mellowed quite a bit though. She still tries to bad-mouth people, but I just try to respond with a positive comment.

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Danie

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Re: Am I alone in this ????
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2018, 05:27:09 PM »
I know i got off the topic in my last reply. My mom was an extreme example of PD, I think. It was pointed out that English Lady is doing some black and white thinking and I guess I wanted to make the point that I went down that road and learned if from my unhealthy mother. Compared to my mother she was probably a great mom! I also wanted to point out what effect it had on me.