Suggestions from therapist.

  • 6 Replies
  • 314 Views
*

CoffeeCup2

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 570
Suggestions from therapist.
« on: February 13, 2018, 07:48:41 AM »
Scary! 

Ok I have to admit, when she suggested some of these things I couldnít wipe the smile off my face. But, having said that, some of the things were too big of a jump for me right now.

We started off with some tools for self development. No, I canít avoid a bad situation but I can use tools to calm my anxiety towards it. I can choose to react differently to someoneís anger as opposed to getting anxious and fearful over it. This type of reaction from me is deep rooted from childhood experiences. I was basically taught that you donít face negative situations and anger, you either walk away, avoid them or diffuse them. That doesnít always work.

I think sheís figured out Iím more of a ďease into the pool step by step down the ladderĒ as opposed to ďdiving right inĒ. Small steps. I canít do everything at once.

So, she suggested I finish clearing all valuables or things of worth out of my home. Thatís easy. Almost done that anyways. Then, she initially suggested just going and getting a place of my own, but I felt like that was too much of a leap. So, she suggested I find a real estate agent and book some showings this week, just to see whatís out there. I liked that idea.

She also said itís time to live life NOW like I would be living out on my own. I want to get in shape, well, start going to the gym. I want to be less of a people pleaser, start by doing so where I can. Take every opportunity to improve and live the life I want to be living now.

Itís still very scary to think about making that big leap. I hope Iíll have the confidence to do it.


*

Summer Sun

  • Host Member
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • 745
Re: Suggestions from therapist.
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2018, 10:41:32 AM »
CoffeeCup, it sounds like a fruitful session, and that you feel supported and understood.

I think the big leap you refer to is just the formality of what you have been doing for some time now.  Seeking, seeing and processing truths.  Making changes you can - self.  Divesting emotionally from the relationship.  Visualizing your new future.  Each of these is a way of leaving the relationship.  All that is left is new premises?  Viewing with a realtor some potential new homes will help you visualize being there, one may feel right, where you can see yourself cooking, having a bubble bath, something may draw you where you can see self nurturing and growth occurring.

Forgive me if Iím off base, it sounds though like the last hurdle for you is fear.  Facing your fear.  This leap youíve taken one small step at a time.  There is one last step left on the path.  Are you holding on to false hope?  Fear he may change?  Fear of making a mistake?  Fear of fallout?  Fear of being alone?  Fear of being Hoovered and doubting your decision?  I say these things because Iíve experienced this, and had to intellectually or mentally process each one of these unuttered fears to the place of acceptance prior to leaving.  I faced each of these fears in my mind before my body left the scene of the crimes committed against me.  For example, I asked self, what if I will be alone for the rest of my life?  I determined this was okay, I was capable of surviving and providing for myself.  I would be alone at least with some dignity and self respect, and not living in fear for my life and the daily dose of devastating pain.   

Wishing you strength, courage, wisdom and the future you visualize.  When you are ready, the teacher arrives. 

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

*

CoffeeCup2

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 570
Re: Suggestions from therapist.
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2018, 11:16:29 AM »
Thank you Summer Sun, and yes you are correct. It’s fear.

I do not fear being alone. I fear the aftermath. I fear stbx attempting to make my life miserable. I fear stbx doing something drastic and saying it was because I left him. I fear being a bad person for adding yet another “problem” to his life.

But, as my therapist mentioned, there’s a proven track record (especially concerning his ex wife) that he won’t do anything except complain about things. Heck, for all the bad things he says about her, he has not ONCE acted on any of them. He has not said no to a situation he disagrees with. He lets her walk all over him. Granted there’s kids involved, but one would think that would make him stand up to her “antics” even more.

I presented as a weak person and he clued into that early on. Therefore he used me as the garbage dump, the sympathy supply, the fixer upper. Does not use any body else as this. Just me.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 11:18:04 AM by CoffeeCup2 »

*

mdana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1971
Re: Suggestions from therapist.
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2018, 05:24:38 PM »


Is the real estate agent supposed to help you look to buy a place, or rent?  Some of the the best advice I got during the process of separating/divorcing was, "don't buy" a house right away or make any big expenses/decisions until about 1 year after being on your own. 

As far as worrying and fearing what stbx will do/say afterwards --- (I don't want to sound negative) but, if he has a PD as it seems he does, it is highly unlikely he will accept things gracefully and with maturity.  But, are you able to leave that concern/fear for the future?  In other words, you can't anticipate, solve or prevent all the problems of tomorrow --- today. When the time comes, you will handle it then. You will know what to do.

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

*

CoffeeCup2

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 570
Re: Suggestions from therapist.
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2018, 09:55:53 AM »


Is the real estate agent supposed to help you look to buy a place, or rent?  Some of the the best advice I got during the process of separating/divorcing was, "don't buy" a house right away or make any big expenses/decisions until about 1 year after being on your own. 

As far as worrying and fearing what stbx will do/say afterwards --- (I don't want to sound negative) but, if he has a PD as it seems he does, it is highly unlikely he will accept things gracefully and with maturity.  But, are you able to leave that concern/fear for the future?  In other words, you can't anticipate, solve or prevent all the problems of tomorrow --- today. When the time comes, you will handle it then. You will know what to do.

M

Rent. Even if I wasnít in this mess, I wouldnít even consider buying a place right now.

This is the problem Iím having - anticipating the fear right now.

*

mdana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1971
Re: Suggestions from therapist.
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2018, 09:28:12 PM »
Rent sounds more reasonable ...

There were a few strategies I used a while back that helped me with that type of paralyzing fear (actually, I also started to have panic attacks). 

It helped me to pick a role model that had the qualities I wanted to develop (confidence, fearlessness ... a strong sense of self...authentic,  yet not disconnected, good sense of humor ---and OK with her age).  I picked Meryl Streep in the role she played  in the movie" It's Complicated".  There were MANY times where I pretended to be Meryl Streep--- just to get through the difficult and awkward moments related to the separation/divorce.

The same month we separated, my ex started dating a 26 y.o. bathing suit bikini model (our eldest son at the time was 24 years old).  He flaunted her around all our friends, our kids --- even brought her to parent teacher conferences, etc...  Every corner I turned (in my own neighborhood) there they were! It gave me so much anxiety, and I had no clue how to handle it gracefully!

So, I started 'Meryl Streep-ing it".  She became my role model ---and pretty soon, it became a thing amongst my friends. 

The other thing that helped me manage/control anxiety/panic was learning how to stay in the Present Moment.  It took me a loooonnnnggg time (with lots of practice) to learn how to disconnect from the past and future, and simply focus my mind and thoughts on the right here and now.  AND, by the right here and now -- that DOES NOT include thinking about the problems (the problems of yesterday or the problems of tomorrow). 

Not sure that is helpful to you ...

All the best!
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

*

CoffeeCup2

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 570
Re: Suggestions from therapist.
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2018, 05:12:11 PM »
No that is super helpful actually. Iím lucky that Iím surrounded by extremely strong females at work. I kind of try and be like them in every aspect - work, home etc. Although doing it at home causes me grief.

I think Iím getting closer. I think the next big blow up will do it.  Iíve just about got everything lined up as far as documentation and whatnot goes for the new place. Got a place to stay at if need be while I secure a place of my own.

Still havenít quite figured out logistics of getting my stuff after I leave, but I guess that can just be one day of getting a few friends and moving out all my stuff.