Unbelievable phone call this morning

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Adria

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Unbelievable phone call this morning
« on: February 28, 2018, 06:17:06 PM »
I don't even know what to say.   My son has schizophrenia and we have housed him and taken care of him for nearly ten years.  Got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore as he was becoming more aggressive. We found temporary housing for my son through a Pastor.  I called the man ahead of the house last night because my daughter got a call from son, and son told her he wanted to leave.  He is living near my daughter and her family, so she was a little on edge. 

I woke up this morning to a very mean Pastor who said he was told that the head of the house said I called in hysterics last night.  That is so not true.  I called to let the head of the house know what my son was planning, no hysteria, just to put him on notice.

The pastor called me at 9:00 a.m. today and started yelling at me, said he put me on speaker phone in front of all the residents and my son, and told me to start explaining myself and that he was defending my son (who is known to fool police, hospital staff, etc.)  I don't think I've ever had anyone talk to me like that in my entire life.  This man has totally ruined my relationship with my son, and now my daughter won't talk to me because she is angry that we put son down by her.  He is actually 40 miles away from her without a car.  This is the first place we have found that we could house him in nearly a decade, and were assured it was safe for my daughter.  And with one phone call from this man, he has separated my family. 

Doctor's, Pastors, Psychiatrists treat the mother's like total crap and like we are stupid. They have no regard for what we have tried to do to help our son. I am wondering if this was some kind of initiation for my son, as the house master kept telling me to call him for anything.  I was suspicious as he said it so many times, so I haven't called him, but last night I thought there was a valid concern so I did.  I think I was baited to be the scapegoat for the Pastor's grandstanding in front of the residents.  It was one of the most horrible experiences I've ever had.  I just don't know what to think.  Any ideas?


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notrightinthehead

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Re: Unbelievable phone call this morning
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2018, 03:20:51 AM »
I don't know what to say. The pastor's behaviour seems completely inappropriate to me. Unprofessional. I would be furious.

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mdana

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Re: Unbelievable phone call this morning
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2018, 03:54:34 AM »
WOW!

The pastor -- seems to have limited skills and experience with psychiatric illnesses, family dynamics, grief, conflict resolution, communication ....and very poor boundaries!

I have not experienced that type of reaction in any environment or with any other person (trained, skilled, professional or not) other than with my ex's family (but they are personality disordered too--- so that makes sense). My exh (ASPD/NPD) -- and several of his siblings (BPD/NPD/HPD)-- both would have reacted very much like your pastor did (hysterical....and accusatory). 

It could be he has a savior complex (hope that doesn't insult you or anyone).  And like he is projecting--- blaming you, for what he feels inside.  So, maybe he is the one that feels hysterical inside, but can't come to terms with that -- so, shifts it all to you. 

I have not had any MD, psychiatrist, therapist or pastor -- blame me for anything my daughter has done or how she is.  Except my daughter's psychiatrist and therapist once identified ways in which I contributed to the development of her personality disorder (she has been diagnosed with just about every one - including schizo-affective dx).  But, I asked them for feedback and wanted to work with them to understand and help my daughter. When she was 2 years old, her dad and I divorced and we were homeless for a time.  They told me that during those formative years (I had a nervous break down) there was great disruption in her ability to bond with me and feel safe.

Personally, I don't trust pastors with anything other than interpreting scripture (some believe that schizophrenia and certain mood disorders are not medical conditions, but rather a fight between good and evil -- which I do not believe). 

I don't know Adira.  Things get so complicated with in these cases.  There's no way for them to NOT be complicated.  Your son is ill and everyone is scared. 

There was a time when my daughter was telling people weird things --- some things were not true, others were all mixed up in her mind.  My daughter did allot of drugs, so I have felt that her memories, reasoning capacity, and ability to sort through the order of events in her life is all mixed up!  I wandered around for years, picking up the pieces...trying to sort things out.  Several times,  I reached out to her psychiatrist (and therapist) to warn them about her manipulative behavior and drug use. It backfired miserably.  The MD thought I was "enmeshed" and "controlling".  He proceeded to encourage my daughter to move away from me and enabled her addiction (in my opinion) by writing tons of prescriptions for anti-anxiety meds (there went 2-3 more years of her life).

Ultimately, 2 years ago, I cut off all involvement.  NO one calls me, I don't call anyone. 

I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you!  I can't think of an easy answer to share with you, or anything comforting to write... other than ... You are not alone! 

XOXOXO
M

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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momnthefog

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Re: Unbelievable phone call this morning
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2018, 11:03:18 AM »
Adria,

Wow....wow...  :bighug:

I agree with mdana....sounds like these people have little understanding of mental illness or how to deal with families.  And, like mdana, I try to stay out of warning people, b/c it always seems to be misinterpreted or I get labeled a "control" freak.  So I stopped that b/c really their behavior, plans, ideas, thoughts belong to them not me.....just as the consequences of those behaviors, plans, ideas, and thoughts belong to them.  (I have a situation going on in my own family so I'm writing this to reinforce my own boundaries and don't mean to sound preachy.)

I have had people blame me....but those were people who listened without full understanding and without hearing or seeing the other side of the "victim" that my adult child was displaying.  PDs have a great ability to morph into whatever role is needed to be played to get "supply"....whether that "supply" is compassion, a roof, a meal, sympathy, etc.  It is quite possible that your son played it up and the pastor or head of house (untrained in dealing with mental illness) took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

I'm sorry that your daughter feels unsafe.  It's a terrible place for a family to be. 

I think the worse part of this journey (coming Out of the FOG) is the lack of peace.  We live with what seems like constant stress.  If we aren't in a crisis, we are coming out of a crisis or worried when the next crisis will occur. 

You are not alone.

momnthefog






"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Adria

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Re: Unbelievable phone call this morning
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2018, 03:11:12 PM »
Notrightinthehead,
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I don't know what to say. The pastor's behaviour seems completely inappropriate to me. Unprofessional. I would be furious.
Yes, I was and still am furious.  Not to mention putting my son on the spot in front of everyone about how the voices were telling him to stab us.   How humiliating for him because he is back on his meds and doing better. However, dh says It's all good, I gave him a little street cred and maybe now no one will think about messing with him LOL :bigwink:.

Mdana,
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The pastor -- seems to have limited skills and experience with psychiatric illnesses, family dynamics, grief, conflict resolution, communication ....and very poor boundaries!

Yes, when we talked to him about placing our son there, he said, "Do I sound like I"m stressed out? No. I've been doing this for twenty years."  Different tune now. 

One psychiatrist my son and I went to blamed me in front of my son and said, I't's textbook in all the psychiatry books that the mother is to blame for schizophrenia.  Needless to say, we didn't go back to him. But, at least now I understand why doctor's have slammed doors in my face and yelled at me and berated me.  I find it ironic that back in the day when the books were written, most psychiatrists were men. How convient for them to blame the mother in the books.  I'm sure it doesn't make any difference that my son's father was a no good man turning him onto porn when he was eight years old (I never knew it), then walked out of his life except when he needed some money for his drug addictions or needed to talk to someone about how he was going to commit suicide.  I was the only one who stayed in my son's life, and did everything in my power to protect him from my narc family and his narc father, but hey, I'm the worst. :doh:

I can so understand why you cut off all involvement, I'm teetering on the edge as well out of nothing more than sheer exhaustion.  Just you taking the time to post has been very comforting to me.  Not that I would wish this on anyone, but it helps to know I'm not alone because it is the most isolating and lonely feeling in the world next to coming out of a narc family.

Momnthefog,
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And, like mdana, I try to stay out of warning people, b/c it always seems to be misinterpreted or I get labeled a "control" freak.  So I stopped that b/c really their behavior, plans, ideas, thoughts belong to them not me.....just as the consequences of those behaviors, plans, ideas, and thoughts belong to them.

Oh, my, I am glad you said that.  I never thought about it that way, but yes being labeled a control freak does come back on us even though we are trying to help. "b/c really their behavior, plans, ideas, thoughts belong to them not me.....just as the consequences of those behaviors, plans, ideas, and thoughts belong to them.  Wow! That is powerful!!! I'm going to need to paste that one on my fridge.

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I think the worse part of this journey (coming Out of the FOG) is the lack of peace.  We live with what seems like constant stress.  If we aren't in a crisis, we are coming out of a crisis or worried when the next crisis will occur. 

Yup, no peace.  I guess I thought if he was away from here there would be peace, but I'm not sure.  It seems like it's always something. :wacko:

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful words.  You have made me feel understood and cared for with your compassion.  And as usual, I have learned something new to help me carry on. :hug:

Update:  The housemaster called last night to talk to me. I had dh pick up the phone.  Dh put it on speaker, and I could tell it sent the man back.  He asked to speak to me and dh said, "No, that's not possible right now. You can redirect your calls to me from now on.  The housemaster asked dh if he would have me call him. Dh repeated himself. 
Dh also said to son on the phone in front of housemaster, that this incident showed us the level of people we are dealing with. I didn't like him saying that so much, but he was furious for what happened and let it be known.  He also said, "It doesn't sound like a very good Christian pastor who would speak to a woman like that, and said that the pastor owes my wife an apology.
So, I will not be calling them anymore or taking their phone calls.  That alone gives me some peace. 


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NoVoice357

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Re: Unbelievable phone call this morning
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2018, 09:48:26 AM »
Hello Adria,

I totally agree with you that it is a horrible experience. I am really very sorry. It is degrading and humiliating. We are suddenly attacked and we cannot understand why.

IMHO, it is important to see the whole picture behind this to understand what is happening and what roles PDs like the Housemaster and the Pastor are playing.

The Bully or Initiator, that is, the person who has chosen you as his target, is always a NPD. From what you wrote, the one behind this attack is The Housemaster (and not the Pastor). The PD housemaster has been spreading lies about you. (" the head of the house said I called in hysterics last night.  That is so not true ")
The housemaster has probably told others you are an Abuser ("..[the Pastor] told me to start explaining myself and that he was defending my son").

The Bully's flying monkey(s). This is the person who attacked you: The Pastor. He acts on the housemaster's behalf.
Flying monkeys like the Pastor either have a Cluster B PD themselves or they are highly narcissistic. They lack empathy. They know they are hurting you but they do not care. This is why they are chosen as minions by the PD to attack others or to do the dirty work. Healthy people do not want to abuse others and will never accept that role.

When you are attacked by a flying monkey for no reason is usually because the Bully/Initiator (Housemaster) believes that you have seen through his false-self and is afraid you will expose him. It can be something you said or how you looked (body language) when you noticed there was something weird. These PDs act pre-emptively. They make up lies about their perceived enemy. They become paranoid and feel they will lose control if the truth comes out. This is why they want to destroy their perceived enemy. There are different types of NPD and I think the PD Housemaster belong to one of those NPDs who tell others the target is an Abuser.

When flying monkeys bait you in front of others, they want you to react and to look like the aggressive abuser they say you are. Do not raise your voice, stay calm.

Since the PD housemaster is in contact with your son, he may tell lies to him (and to your daughter) such as that you do not care much about your son, that you do not want to visit or speak to your son. He will want to ruin your relationship with your son and daughter to control you.

Is there any other place for your son to live? I would not ask the Pastor because he has already been turned against you by the housemaster.

Thank you so much for your kind previous posts, Adria. I appreciate them very much and I wish you all the best.

 :bighug: