I did it. Need your prayers.

blahblah · « **on:** March 09, 2018, 02:27:58 PM »

Please send all your prayers. Just had a moment where both me and my wife cried our hearts out. I told her.
She was so sad and kept saying that nobody loved her and that she couldn't be loved and that everybody left her.
Need all your help.

LightOrb · « **Reply #1 on:** March 09, 2018, 02:32:05 PM »

We are with you, blahblah. I'm sending you all my thoughts!

On second thought, don't let what's she's saying get you. You do love her, but you can't take that kind of love anymore. In the wise words of somebody, "What's Love Got To Do With It?". It's her behavior...

Funmum · « **Reply #2 on:** March 09, 2018, 02:48:50 PM »

I'm so sorry.
That's so hard.
It's heartbreaking but it's not your fault or your responsibility.
Sending you wishes and prayers for stregnth, all of you.
There's such a thing as going through a break up with respect for the other person. If you can do that then you will remain a constant reliable person in many ways.
You can't fix this. Be kind to yourself. Grieve what you have lost. Xxx

blahblah · « **Reply #3 on:** March 09, 2018, 02:53:36 PM »

Thanks. I told her I never would speak bad about her to other people and never to the kids. And that I loved all the good times we shared. I hope things can remain respectful.
I can't say that much right now. But thanks.

LightOrb · « **Reply #4 on:** March 09, 2018, 03:02:59 PM »

Take your time. This is an incredible painful time for you. Be gentle and loving with you, do whatever you can to be the most comfortable. Rely on the people that love you. Be patient with yourself and remember that you are in this point after you did the best you could to stay.

blahblah · « **Reply #5 on:** March 09, 2018, 03:50:20 PM »

Thanks. I just tugged the kids in. And promised my wife that I would talk to her when they sleep. She begged me to stay just before. I told her that I couldn't. She looked desperate and said that she had no other home than me. It's horrible to witness. I know she feels completely empty and lost now. I feel for her. I'm so sad for her. I told her that she had her family. She said she doesn't feel same with them. I told her she had the kids and she didn't reply. I think they will be the only reason she will get through this. It's so painful to watch. I know who she is and she's amazing. But her bpd takes over and she is gone.
I'm so sad on her behalf. I hate doing this.
Wish me luck. She will beg me to stay for the next couple of hours.
So sad.

Beachgirl · « **Reply #6 on:** March 09, 2018, 04:03:12 PM »

I'm very sorry. You have so much empathy. How refreshing. Empathy is valuable. Hold your boundaries for the kids. Your words of comfort are appealing. You can be a friend if she wants to get help if you decide you want to. Most references warn against ongoing communication due to their outstanding ability to manipulate. They can really mean it for the moment so it's difficult. What a good parent you are. Appreciating your value. We are here.

blahblah · « **Reply #7 on:** March 09, 2018, 04:06:49 PM »

Thank you so much beach girl. That made me cry. Thank you.
I really wish the best for her. I want to comfort her but can't stay with her.
Thank you. I need all of your support right now. Thank you.

LightOrb · « **Reply #8 on:** March 09, 2018, 04:14:14 PM »

I wish you all the luck in the world, blahblah. I'll tell you a secret, well, sort of. I see your posts and I wonder why I couldn't find somebody like you and I had to find my xH. I've read you fight, try to understand, to accomodate, to pretzel yourself, to do whatever you can to keep going. You kept the dream alive when she was better, you tried, you really tried with all your might. If you can't anymore, it's not because you didn't try, and that honors you. You are a good person, and deserve happiness.

I wish you have all the strengh you need to carry on with your decision. That your empathy and love don't get in the way. She is suffering for sure and that is horrible. It would be so much better if somehow you could spare her, and YOU, this pain. But you know now that you can't, unless you sacrifice yourself.

I'll keep you in my thoughts tonight, my friend. That your next steps are steady, that you can sleep at night, that the pain leaves you soon.

blahblah · « **Reply #9 on:** March 09, 2018, 05:03:04 PM »

Thank you so much lightorb. You really don't know how much your words mean to me. You really don't. Thank you for sharing your secret. That means so much to me. I feel validated and appreciated. I never truly felt appreciated for all I did in my relationship. That means so much to me. Thank you. I can't really see the screen for tears right now. But thanks.
I just came back to the kids bedrooms.
I held her, padded her back and hugged her while she sobbed and cried. Begging me. Trying to soothe herself and me by saying that she can get better and that she will try anything. She was not angry. Just sad. I can see how empty she feels inside. It's horrible to see. She kept saying that I was her home. That being left was her nightmare. She had no home without me. She couldn't do all the things she did without me. Only because I loved her the way I did.
It is so sad. So horrible.
She asked me to write a text to my family and asked me to tell what happened. She said that she didn't want me to look like the bad guy but that she wanted me to not say that "we had agreed to divorce" etc. I reassured her that I will take full responsibility. This was my decision alone.
I have hopes that this will go over with mutual respect.
She said that this was a big decision that would affect the kids life's as well. I told her that this was by an out of the blue decision. That I had fought with this for years. She said she knew.
That gives me a glimmer of hope that this will be respectful.
She was never mean or aggressive or trying to make me look bad. Just sad.

Ahh. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I feel like I have learned a lesson. To take care of myself first.

I have known true romantic healthy love in a past relationship. I hope I will experience in the future at some point.
I feel sad but light. This was my decision and it was the only one I could live with.

Thank you so much for all your posts. Please write on. I will need it.
I will go to sleep (if I can).
I'm having a birthday tomorrow morning for my youngest son. My family will be over. I won't text them before it's all done, as to not steal focus from my boys birthday. He's turning 7.
I love my boys so much. I know we will make it together. I look forward to us being together. Just us.
I hope I will be happy and free with them. And enjoy life much more and that they can see that I'm more happy and we can share all that together.

Than you everyone.
I wish we all could meet in person.

Whiteheron · « **Reply #10 on:** March 09, 2018, 05:48:12 PM »

Good Luck blahblah! We are here for you.

I have been where you are - stbx had a sort of breakdown and I felt horrible for him. His true self eventually did come out and all of his words about working together and partnership were forgotten. I hope this doesn't happen for you, and that your w truly will work with you to parent your boys and will continue to be respectful.

You will be happy and free with your boys. It's amazing how much they will blossom when away from the stress of living with a PD. I've seen positive changes in my kids after a few short weeks. I am more relaxed and so are they. Your kids will thank you for it some day (either verbally or by becoming healthy well-adjusted adults).

Thinking of you. Hope you are able to get some sleep!
wh

Liftedfog · « **Reply #11 on:** March 09, 2018, 06:36:08 PM »

Its so painful to finally realize that love is not enough. Like you, I was his everything. Since I left, he has deteriorated, unemployed, and homeless. I carry on for my children. Be prepared for her begging to stop and her anger and manipulation to take over. In a way it hurts less when they ramp up the abuse. That disordered side of her will come back. Focus on your kids. They didn't ask for any of it but neither did you. You are a good husband and father. Stay focused and be their rock.

CoffeeCup2 · « **Reply #12 on:** March 09, 2018, 08:09:50 PM »

Hey there blahblah.

Sending you hugs. Your situation sounds so painful, yet necessary. I know that I’ll have to cross that bridge eventually as well and I’m not looking forward to it. However, like you, we can’t keep trying to keep our heads above water.

I admire your strength and courage. You give me strength and courage by sharing your story. Just know that you are helping so many just by doing what clearly needs to be done.

Please take care. I am keeping you in my thoughts tonight.

SeaGlass · « **Reply #13 on:** March 09, 2018, 09:34:00 PM »

symbasmommy · « **Reply #14 on:** March 09, 2018, 10:08:09 PM »

It's very hard and you're such a warm empathic person....wishing you all the best....we're here for you...stay strong...the emotions are overwhelming but for just a minute close your eyes and remember why you are leaving..picture her as she is....

Soulsearching · « **Reply #15 on:** March 10, 2018, 01:01:15 AM »

Wow, I admire your bravery and honesty towards yourself to do what is best you and probably your boys in the long run.

I know that eventually I have to do what you are doing know and just by reading your posts it gives me hope and strength. As everyone has said it sounds like you have done everything in your power to make it work, and that is the maddening thing I guess. It is a bottomless pit, and not matter how much love, time and effort you pour into it, they are never going to recover.

I can already hear my saying the exact same things when I eventually leave her. She already did when tried to leave long ago.

Stay strong and know that I'm with you are in my thoughts every step of the way! Take care!

blahblah · « **Reply #16 on:** March 10, 2018, 03:15:42 AM »

Thanks everyone. I think I finally fell asleep at around 1 ish. Woke up at 5 hearing my wife sobbing in the bedroom. She came in and asked me to come to the bedroom. She begged me again. I told her I was so sorry about doing this and apologized a million times. I told her how awful I felt inside and had done for years. And that I was destroyed inside and could not continue. That I never felt more than skin deep happiness. That I was empty inside and was in a constant state of stress. I completely lost it and and had a semi panic/crying attack. She held my hand and comforted me. Telling me she was so sorry that she had done this to me and that she never meant to. I told her that I knew. And I didn't blame her the least bit. I would never erase her from my memory and would always remember all the good times we had. She said so many times that she loved me and wanted to be with me. And that she couldn't live without me. Literally live without me. I told her she deserved to live a non-conflict life. That she could get better. Now she only needed to focus on her etc. I said I was sorry that I couldn't be strong enough to go through this without breaking.
She has gotten better the last years and I believe she can get even better.
She feels pity for me and I feel pity for her.
This morning I came to her again and apologized many times. She held my hand.

I am ashamed for leaving her. Ashamed to tell her parents and sisters.

Now off to buy bread etc for birthday. In 2 hours the apartment will be filled with my family, and I will have to pretend like nothing happened. Just so my kid will have a good birthday.
Surreal.
I'm a mess.
But I'm hopeful my wife will be mostly positive and supportive.

LightOrb · « **Reply #17 on:** March 10, 2018, 07:25:59 AM »

Blah, don't be ashamed. What this relationship required from you was the equivalent of lifting a car in your strength alone. It's physically impossible for your body, right? There is nothing shameful in not being able to. What's happening is the same, "just" emotionally. You can't keep living with her behavior not because you are weak, but because you are not supposed to, your heart is not prepared to resist. Take comfort in how much you tried. The destruction you feel is a measurement of that effort. Take comfort from the fact that once you are in a peaceful state, you will be a great dad for your sons, and you will give them the stability and love they need to have a great and happy life.

As for your W, if she can't actually live without you, her problems are more serious than she thinks, and the more she should not be with you, for being responsible of her life is something that should not be asked from you. That is not right for her either, she needs to be able to live by herself. Let's not stop for more than a second over the fact that claiming she can not live without you, she did not do anything and everything in her power to prevent that.

I hope the party went ok. Try to rest as much as you can, prepare for what will come. And keep writing, if we can be with you.

Liftedfog · « **Reply #18 on:** March 10, 2018, 09:24:41 AM »

Lightorb, you make some great points. Thanks for encouraging me this morning. I left a few years ago and you reminded me that I did everything I could for 30 years!

openskyblue · « **Reply #19 on:** March 10, 2018, 10:31:55 AM »

Good for you for making the final decision. It’s clear you hung in there in the marriage as long as you could, gave her many benefits of the doubt, gave it every shot. You didn’t make this decision lightly.

In my experience, I’d brace yourself for when her crying stops and the affronted anger replaces it. Right now, she knows she can control you by playing on your tremendous empathy. It’s likely that once she realizes that this tool (which worked well in the past) won’t work now to get you back, she’ll be confrontive and worse.

It seemed weird to me that she wants you to tell her family. Honestly, I don’t think that’s your responsibility. It places more pressure on you, as you have to deal with her family member’s emotions and reactions — on top of everything you’re dealing with. I’d recommend leaving that up to her.

Hang in there. You can do this.