I did it. Need your prayers.

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heartinhand

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2018, 12:00:47 PM »
Blahblah, sending hugs and hope for your brighter future.  I know it's been a very, very hard decision for you.  Reading your posts all this while, you have tried to make it work, pull it through...you've beaten yourself up for what is the inevitable.

She has to concentrate on making herself better for herself and her children.  Right now, she is crying and upset, but that will soon end and the other stages will kick in...frustration, anger, yelling and screaming.  Once she realizes that she cannot manipulate you with the crying then the ugly side will come out.  I do hope for your's and your children's sakes that it doesn't, but it has been her mode of operation in the past and there's no need to believe that your leaving will change it.

Now is the time to concentrate on yourself and getting stronger.  I believe you're in counseling.  If not, that's a big thing you can do for yourself.  Just take the steps to learn about yourself and learn what you do and don't want from life.  Spend time with your kids - you are a great parent - and enjoy those moments.  And breathe deeply.  You will go through a ton of emotions too - learn to let them pass through you (instead of being tossed around by them) and you will move forward each day. 

I'm rooting for you; we all are!  I know it's tough, but you have lots of folks here on the forum who can lend an ear!  Take care and God bless!

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LightOrb

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #21 on: March 10, 2018, 12:25:06 PM »
It seemed weird to me that she wants you to tell her family. Honestly, I dont think thats your responsibility. It places more pressure on you, as you have to deal with her family members emotions and reactions on top of everything youre dealing with. Id recommend leaving that up to her.

This scares me because I feel she's preparing the stage for using the pressure of family and friends to keep the marriage. If the decision to separate comes only from one partner, while the other doesn't want to, then undoing things is extremely easy, only the 'reluctant'  needs to be convinced back. And people have PLENTY of arguments to make us go back to marriages, even when there are not children.

:bighug: blah

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grizzled

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #22 on: March 10, 2018, 01:11:20 PM »
blahblah. 

First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers are with you.  This is a terrible and frightening time for you and it will get worse before it gets better. 

Drawing from my experience, be it as it may, I offer you this advice and understanding. 

It is ok to grieve for the relationship even though you want it to end.  It will feel wrong, but it isn't.  I significant part of you is being plucked away and buried right now and that is a death, it will feel like a death and you will go through a form of grieving.  Allow it.  Understand that the pain you feel is not a desire to keep the disfunctional situation, it is grieving the loss. 
This brings me to the harder part.  The relationship is dead but you still are there with it's ghost, embodied in your now future x.  That ghost not only doesn't know it is dead, that ghost cannot understand how it could have died.  That was the hardest part about my divorce.  The x was upset but it wasn't actually a situation where she understood what happened and such, she could not wrap her mind around it.  PDs struggle to ascribe agency to others, they see others as tools in their toolshed and when one of those tools suddenly walks it just cannot be comprehended.  My x cried and begged and said pretty much all the things you are describing but ultimately did not really understand my why.  Not really.  It is so much easier to walk away from someone who is actively malicious in their manipulation and pain.  To look at someone and understand on a visceral level that they genuinely feel like you are unjustifiably causing them the worst pain in their life, even when you are aware of the role they played in the situation, will (and is, I suspect) rip your heart completely out.  You love her and that is why you have to let her go, but she will never really understand or even comprehend that. 

Square your shoulders and walk the best you can.  You are going to fuck it up here and there, you will waver and find yourself second guessing yourself, but stay true to your soul, not your heart.  Hearts are fickle and silly.  Your soul is speaking to you and will guide you, you just have to make sure you are listening.  There is light at the end of the darkness.  THere is.  Even when it doesn't feel like it and the situation feels overwhelming and emotionally insurmountable. 

"Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes" - Mahatma Ghandi
To know a man who loves peace, you must know a man who knows chaos.
To know a man who understands love, you must know a man who has felt malice.
To know a man who understand limitations, you must know a man who knows failure.
To know a man who is truly strong, you must know a man who has been broken

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142757

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers. I know you want to
« Reply #23 on: March 10, 2018, 05:41:20 PM »
I know you want to take care of your kids. Physically, emotionally, economically, etc......But I am concerned about the youngest. How old is he? The reason why I ask is because I hear stories of how sometimes children blame themselves for their parents divorce. And since the split happened so close to his birthday, in some strange, subconscious way, he may make the wrong conclusion. So he may need some extra assurance.

So sorry it came to this point for you. Reading your posts makes me glad my ex just cut me off completely like an irritating hangnail. The emotional toll must be excrutiating cause I can even feel it. I don't know if I could handle that well.
"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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blahblah

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #24 on: March 10, 2018, 06:08:49 PM »
Update.
I feel kind of bad, but also relieved.
I'm not blind, and I know this situation likely will not last. But here goes.

I agreed with her to give it 6 months of my time, to get her sh*t together. If things are not right by then, i'm out.
Long version.
She cried and begged. We prepared the birthday. We were both so sad. Trying to get ready for family coming over just seemed impossible.
But we got everything ready.
My mom (and the rest of the family)  came. My mom noticed that my wife did not seem alright, and talked to her. My wife broke apart and told my mom. I do not think this was a deliberate attempt from my wife to affect my mom in any way, my wife was, like me, completely overwhelmed with her feelings.
I came into the room where they were, and hugged my wife and said i was so sorry. My mom cried and asked me if i was certain. I told her that i was. I couldnt do it no more. My wife begged me to stay.
I went out again, trying to be happy with the guests and all, but that whole weird scenario softened me somehow. I agreed with myself that I could try for a certain period of time to do serious couples therapy with my wife. Dont ask me why. Between the guests, my mom and my wife crying her eyes out, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
The feeling that I am literally controlling someone elses fate. I know my wife will die and wither inside. i dont know if she can ever continue without me. And telling her over and over to her face that its over, is near impossible for me to do. But I did it so many times through the night.

I went back in and told my wife EVERYTHING. How i hated her for what she did, and how i hated myself for allowing her doing this, but i was trapped by all her crap. I told her ALL the bad scenarios i could think of where she had hurt me. I think i talked for about 45 min. but i could go on for hours. I told her how shell shocked she had made me. How she had made me wish i was dead. How much I had suffered, how crazy her worldview was
This was a huge lightbulb moment for her. She could see clearly how what she did was horrible etc. I do not believe she was faking it at all. She apologized many time and was extremely sad.

Normally this would have been impossible for her to listen to without exploding.
But i was in power here, because i held all the cards (or the most important card - me and me being married to her).
She said she would do anything to not divorce.
We agreed on her working hard for the next 6 months. Couples therapy and/or DAT therapy.
I made certain that she knew, and told her over and over again that I would leave her as soon as I have had enough of this. That she had worn me out COMPLETELY. That if things escalated again, I would have to say goodbye, because my kids need one sane parent.
She understood and accepted.

I feel bad towards all of you (and my therapist) because I dont want you to think that im not strong enough to call it quits. On the other hand, I actually dont feel "not strong", because I am the one in control now.

Weather she will continue to have this feeling - well.... well see! A part of me believs its possible because she has gone to actual therapy many times in the past and is going again soon, because she has a level of self insight, that I can see many other bpds dont have.

I know, from reading on this forum, that many other couples have been in the same situation as me (leaving, but not leaving the first time), and im not blind or naive. I dont know if my wife can keep up with her desired intentions. There is a VERY high probability that she will screw this up. If she does, I will leave. This year.
She now completely understands why I am leaving, because I completely explained it to her. I told her that I would not be able to last another year like this, and as soon as things go bad, Im out. She understood completely. She said she never knew I was feeling so bad and that I was so broken inside.

Before we went to bed, she took notes about all the things that made me feel horrible and hung them on the fridge, and asked me to write a list for her. She also reassured me that every time I felt bad, and that every time an old bad memory came up, I should tell her. That she was there for me. That she wanted to grow old with me and would do anything. That I shouldnt be carrying this alone. That I deserved much better than that.
The good side of her is there. She is very much aware of her bad sides, and has been so for years. Now she found out that she had even more bad ones.
What she will do with it, we will see. Time will tell.

I feel like im letting everyone here down. Reading your amazing posts. I thought i was out, but im not.
On the other hand I feel like im in power this time. I will not wait another year. I dont regret my decision about giving her extra time. If the marriage ends, it will end with her completely knowing how much she has hurt me. The cats out of the bag now. And that alone is a huge burden off my chest. She knows I cant do this no more, and she can deal with this with all the information.

I feel a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel light.
I feel like I will be able to tell my wife that what she is doing is not right (whenever she does something bpd-ish), and if she gets worked up about it, and causes chaos, then thats it. The end.
I literrally told her that she would have to eat crow every time she felt that I wasnt right about something, when i called her out on bpd stuff (thats the best translation into English i can think of at least). She would just have to suck it up, because I wouldnt take it any more. That may sound harsh, but it was all said in a very gentle tone. It was just a fact. It is impossible for me to take any crap anymore.

She got the kids together and explained to them why we cried so much yesterday.
That moms illness sometimes becomes so big that it hurts dad a lot.
I love the good side of her and will give it a chance, but will not allow myself to be humiliated any more.

Hope you understand.

Thanks for all your support and wonderful comments.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2018, 06:51:55 PM by blahblah »

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LightOrb

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #25 on: March 10, 2018, 07:00:15 PM »
Blah, I am so glad you are feeling better. That is all that matters now. Don't think for a moment you are letting us down. We are strangers on internet, you don't owe us anything. Even more, we want what you want, whatever that is. I am not even thinking about what could be good for you, but whatever you want. If what you want is another chance, 6 months of time, that is excellent! What matters, and what we usually forget in the middle of PD hell, is what we want.

Besides, I understand. I've wished so hard, I've cried bitter tears wishing my xH would fight for our relationship. Had he promised or asked me for anything, I'm sure I'd be there with him, waiting for him to choose me and not his cousin. See, I am dumb like this. So I get that you'd jump to another chance if it's offered to you. It's amazing to be able to believe, even if for a second, that love can be enough, that magic exists, and that our pain matters. How could I think less of you because of this? If anything, it shows how generous you are.

I will still keep you in my thoughts and wish you the best of lucks. Given my story, I'll be rooting for you, so you can get the dream that was denied to me. I'll be sometimes jealous, I confess, I haven't been lucky in my life, but I will be rooting for you. If you exist, blah, perhaps there is another like you closer to me, somebody who will be willing to fight dragons to be with me (and my cPTSD).

:bighug:

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blahblah

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #26 on: March 10, 2018, 07:07:21 PM »
That is so sweet of you to say. Thank you so much! It means a lot to me.
I hope you will find the person you need someday. I wish the best for you!
:)

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Whiteheron

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #27 on: March 10, 2018, 09:52:46 PM »
Blahblah, you do what's right for you, what feels right. We are here for you either way. I think it helps that your W seems to have some insight and is willing to work to make things better.

Please keep us posted.
Good luck!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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grizzled

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #28 on: March 10, 2018, 11:25:29 PM »
You are't letting anyone down, man.  You are following your soul.  That is the most important thing.  The best possible outcome for this situation is that it gets ironed out, you guys work out what you need to and stay together.  Whether that will be the outcome is not yet written.  Nobody here is judging you for deciding to have a serious talk and try to work it out. 

Thoughts and prayers are still with you!  I sincerely hope you are able to work it out, and we will support you here in that.  If it doesnt work out, we will be here then as well.  You do what is best for you, and nobody can tell you what that is except you. 
To know a man who loves peace, you must know a man who knows chaos.
To know a man who understands love, you must know a man who has felt malice.
To know a man who understand limitations, you must know a man who knows failure.
To know a man who is truly strong, you must know a man who has been broken

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Soulsearching

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #29 on: March 11, 2018, 01:20:44 AM »
Hard to add on what has been said already. You are not letting anyone down. You are doing what is right for you! You didn't back down or act weak. You did what I wish that I have the courage to do. You were utter and completely honest with yourself and your wife. Very few are that in my experience. We talked together few years back since we are in a bit similar situations. We both have high functioning BP wife's who pin their life's on us. Your progress is an inspiration to me. I'm not even considering divorce yet, Not because I don't want it but simply because I'm not ready.

No matter what you do I'm rooting for you every step of the way. All the best man!

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SeaGlass

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #30 on: March 11, 2018, 01:53:25 AM »
You are not letting anyone down on this forum. You are a kind and compassionate husband and father who is fighting for his family. We are all here for you, and support you. :grouphug:

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blahblah

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #31 on: March 11, 2018, 02:48:44 AM »
Waking up and looking at your messages makes me so happy.
I'm really grateful for this forum and all of you. Thank you so much. You don't know how much it means to me that I have some kind of support.
Thanks.

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blahblah

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #32 on: March 11, 2018, 05:14:47 PM »
Again - thanks everyone. I will be taking a break for a couple of days or more, from the forum. Need to keep my head above water and just focus on me.
Thank you so much.

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MaxPlanck

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #33 on: March 13, 2018, 09:29:17 AM »
Good for you for making the final decision. Its clear you hung in there in the marriage as long as you could, gave her many benefits of the doubt, gave it every shot. You didnt make this decision lightly.

In my experience, Id brace yourself for when her crying stops and the affronted anger replaces it. Right now, she knows she can control you by playing on your tremendous empathy. Its likely that once she realizes that this tool (which worked well in the past) wont work now to get you back, shell be confrontive and worse.

I'll second that. I've been where you are now, blahblah. At first it was all sadness, and we were going to do a collaborative divorce. Almost did, too, but things suddenly changed shortly after she moved across the country (with divorce in progress). I think in part she was listening too much to horror stories of other people's divorces, and she convinced herself that I was hiding money, etc. Downhill from there, and I just finished tying up the last loose end, five years after separating.

Thing is, I still care about her. I don't love her like I once did, but I hope for her to find happiness in some form, despite all the nastiness she threw my way. I also managed to move on with my life, and am now very happily remarried. You will move on, too, slowly, but you will.

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ZDandelion

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #34 on: March 13, 2018, 10:16:45 AM »
What a journey you are on...and what grace and goodness you are filled with. 
Reading this thread, I actually wished I had displayed the same grace and goodness that you did when I left.  I truly admire the way you explained to her exactly how she had hurt you and how understanding you were of her brokenness. 
There was one thing that concerned me in your thread.  That is when you said that she had posted the list of hurts on the refrigerator. Since you have children in the home, I really hope that you will consider working with her to move that list to a more private space.  I am not sure that your children will benefit from exposure to that kind of detail of your marriage. 
I wish you strength, peace and hope as you move through the coming days, weeks and months.

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Beachgirl

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #35 on: March 13, 2018, 08:16:49 PM »
You aren't letting us down. Each of us is making our own choice and knows our limits. Each of us has to live with the decision. If you deal with more drama, feel free to vent. If it works out, you will be one of the unique few. If it doesn't you can honestly say you tried!
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉

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blahblah

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #36 on: March 14, 2018, 01:10:04 PM »
Thanks everyone.
Don't worry about the kids reading the note.
They can't read that well at all yet:)
And yes. I can honestly say I tried everything. She knows that too.
Right now I am truly enjoying myself.
She has said many times now that she wants me to be whole. Live a good life, not just survive.
She is very kind and each time I ask her for reassurance that she will try, or if I need to get any past stuff off my chest, she holds me and only understands. Everything.
Every time I go do stuff or pick up groceries etc, she tells me that I should never worry about buying the wrong stuff or forgetting something on the list. And when I go out for the evening she tells me to just take my time etc. many many small things where I normally would be worried about her being angry etc.
she turns them around even before I say anything, and turns it into something positive.

Don't know if it will last, but I am so much enjoying my life righ now.i am calm. I have guns with the kids. I take my time. I don't feel constant stress and dread. I woke up yesterday without a pit in my stomach (something I have had for many years).
I keeps my fingers crossed but my bags packed:)

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grizzled

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #37 on: March 14, 2018, 01:39:07 PM »
Thanks everyone.
Don't worry about the kids reading the note.
They can't read that well at all yet:)
And yes. I can honestly say I tried everything. She knows that too.
Right now I am truly enjoying myself.
She has said many times now that she wants me to be whole. Live a good life, not just survive.
She is very kind and each time I ask her for reassurance that she will try, or if I need to get any past stuff off my chest, she holds me and only understands. Everything.
Every time I go do stuff or pick up groceries etc, she tells me that I should never worry about buying the wrong stuff or forgetting something on the list. And when I go out for the evening she tells me to just take my time etc. many many small things where I normally would be worried about her being angry etc.
she turns them around even before I say anything, and turns it into something positive.

Don't know if it will last, but I am so much enjoying my life righ now.i am calm. I have guns with the kids. I take my time. I don't feel constant stress and dread. I woke up yesterday without a pit in my stomach (something I have had for many years).
I keeps my fingers crossed but my bags packed:)

"Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof".

Enjoy the normalcy.  If it is gone tomorrow that is tomorrows problem.  Be in the now. 
To know a man who loves peace, you must know a man who knows chaos.
To know a man who understands love, you must know a man who has felt malice.
To know a man who understand limitations, you must know a man who knows failure.
To know a man who is truly strong, you must know a man who has been broken

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heartinhand

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Re: I did it. Need your prayers.
« Reply #38 on: March 14, 2018, 02:01:43 PM »
Good luck, blahblah!  Don't ever worry about letting anyone here down.  We are all here to support you no matter what decision you make.  You work on trying to work it out and enjoy today.  We're rooting for you!!!!