Triangulation

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Mintstripes

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Triangulation
« on: March 10, 2018, 02:43:16 PM »
My snake-traitor-narc-PD STBX is going out of his way to triangulate with my NC PD FOO.
He never had my back while we were together and I never felt he truly supported my decision to go NC.
He's going out of his way to try to trigger me by bringing them up at visitation drop offs, by texting random relayed messages ("they're worried about you." etc) and "suddenly" being in contact with my GC narc sibling and texting me about that too. I do not respond. I don't want to show him he's getting to me.
After everything I told him about the trauma from my FOO, he shouldn't want to have anything to do with them. So this just further proves what kind of traitor he is. I hope he gets bored of it. He's just seeking supply and wants to punish and abuse me further. I hate him.
I feel retraumatized in a sense. I don't ever want my DD around these people and I fear that they will plan to travel here at some point, without my knowledge and against my wishes.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2018, 03:57:04 PM »
I was pretty much NC with my FOO when I got married. I told my BPDXH some of the things they did to me.

He encouraged me to start seeing them again. I always thought that he was doing a good thing and that this showed he cared about me.

I see now it was the opposite. I had told him how awful my FOO were to me and he saw this for himself when we were all together. I see now that if he’d genuinely cared about me he would have supported me in not seeing them. At the time I didn’t know about NC or much of what I understand now about family dynamics, abuse and PDs.

Now he makes a massive effort to keep in touch with them and they with him, despite my asking them not to. He uses them to keep tabs on me.

It’s so awful when they do that to us. It’s also so awful that we can’t turn to our families during these times.

My family don’t see that he’s manipulating them and I too feel retraumatized by all of them, my ex and my FOO. It triggers all sorts of things in me. Things I thought I’d dealt with and moved past.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2018, 03:58:42 PM by GettingOOTF »

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heartinhand

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2018, 05:14:28 PM »
Mint, so sorry you are dealing with this.  What a way to try to manipulate and hurt you.  Even if your FOO travel there, it doesn't mean you have to have any contact with them.  You are doing the right thing by ignoring the bait by your stbx.  Just keep your chin up and be like Dory and "Just Keep Swimming".  You can do it!

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symbasmommy

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2018, 12:35:55 AM »
He is desperate and will try anything...prepare yourself....you have come this far you can do it..... :yes:.....any scenario you can think of don't put it past him....try to stay ahead of his games...it's exhausting but it's all worth it.....

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openskyblue

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2018, 03:30:33 PM »
Triangulation, favorite tool of NPDs world over. At least my narc sociopathic ex loved to use it -- and would tell various people various things (lies, exaggeration, just plain weird stuff) to get everyone upset, so he could control them.

I'm sorry he's doing this and it's so painful. He means it to be. He likely wants to knock you off center, so he can get the advantage. That's the bad news. The good news is that he must be pretty desperate to have to reach for roping in your FOO. There may even be a chance that he hasn't, he's just saying he has.

Pathological lying, another great trait of NPDs.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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openskyblue

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2018, 02:11:02 PM »
Hi Mintstripes:

Was wondering how things are going. Are you okay?

OSB
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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JollyJazz

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2018, 08:10:07 AM »
So sorry to hear that Mint. That is really rough.

You are seeing what he is doing clearly which is awesome.

Quote
I do not respond. I don't want to show him he's getting to me.

Excellent idea!

Hope you are going well Mint! Keep up all the good self care and doing what you are doing. You will get through all this, one step at a time. Sending support! :)

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HotCocoa

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2018, 12:31:04 PM »
Mint, that is so painful, I'm so sorry.  I saw this quote and thought of you. "When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will instead try to control how others see you." 
That is a testament to your strength, even when you are feeling weak.
 :bighug:
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Me_Again

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Re: Triangulation
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2018, 08:13:51 AM »
Mint, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Your X is showing you exactly what he is and is giving you a big hint of what he might do in the future. My advice is to include a clause in your shared parenting plan that your DD is not allowed to see, speak, or have any contact with any member of your family without you present. This would include video chat, text, email, social media, personal visits, phone calls, etc. I would also include that your X is not allowed to share messages from your FOO with your DD. If any messages come to him (from them) to DD, they must be forwarded to you or to your attorney in their totality. Since you'll never be present with your FOO, you will be able to legally keep your precious daughter from them. And if your X violates that provision, you can take him back to court to restrict his visitation and influence with DD.

In my shared parenting plan, I insisted on a clause that DD15 is not allowed to be with uNPDxMIL and/or her husband without uNPDxH's supervision. And even with supervision, DD15 is not allowed to be where they are (even at someone else's home) between the hours of 10pm-9am.