Can't face going home after my shift.

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Rose1

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #20 on: March 11, 2018, 09:22:21 PM »
BTW no oil in the tank risks freezing pipes and diminishes the value of the bank's asset. They may be able to get some sort of eviction notice on your h to preserve your property. Dh had an eviction notice on his pdex by the real estate agent because she was damaging the house deliberately in defiance of court order and not letting them in.

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Rose1

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #21 on: March 11, 2018, 09:56:53 PM »
Keep the note. He's dumb enough to put it I  writing. Police etc may be able to do something. Might be enough for a restraining order. You can breathe better if he can't come back and you can sort things out. Instead of overdraft can you access house equity for costs? When it sells make sure all your costs including your payment of his share of the mortgage etc come out before equity is split. Sorry to be so practical but his behavior is designed to stop you thinking about solutions. He is keeping you sleep deprived, stressed and cold and the note proves it's deliberate.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #22 on: March 11, 2018, 10:18:29 PM »
Can you get a free consult from a lawyer.  I had to get a court order to evict my expdh. He was in the home making the property deteriorate.   When I took over and got the house cleaned up for sale we lost 200,000 based on other maintained homes in the area.    You can use the same angle. He is allowing property to deteriorate affecting the value of your asset.   

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zephyrblue

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #23 on: March 11, 2018, 11:38:42 PM »
Funmum, can you buy electric or kerosene heaters?  I know it's more expense, but you'll be able to keep one room warm for you and your kids.

:bighug:  I'm so sorry this is happening.  He's horrible!

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Rose1

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2018, 12:08:53 AM »
He will come and sit in the room. Better not to be there as enertainment

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Funmum

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2018, 06:07:56 AM »
thank you. Really thank you for taking the time.
I can't get any money out just now until house is sold.
I can't afford legal help. I've been here before, I know what's involved and I know the costs.
I just need to hold on tight for the ride.
I know it sounds pathetic but I don't have the stregnth to tell anyone what I'm going through face to face, to find the words to speak. I have the most horrible upset stomach. I'm forcing what little food I can down my neck but I feel sick most of  the time.
I'm trying to look calm and collected. Keep repeating to myself "you will be ok. You will be ok", but I'm believing it less. It sends me into complete paralysed mode when the most basic things of keeping my kids warm and clean and a roof over their head I cannot do. He knows this.
I sent him a message saying I just need to know if he intends sorting the oil this morning or do I need to go and ask friends for money to do this. Asked if he could just give me a yes or no answer as I don't need any nastiness. He's replied saying he's not and never has been nasty to me in any way. He's looked at the cost and it's 288. He wants me to pay 88, he's told me that he believes this is more than fair.
This is obviously not for a full tank, which is the cheapest way to buy it. It's around 90% more expensive to buy a half tank full.
He's wanting me to pay that 90% because I know how he works. It will be driving him crazy that he's losing that percentage but not enough to make sure there's sufficient oil in tank. He's totally ignoring the fact I heavily subsidise this house every month, which he tells himself I don't, and the fact I'm paying astronomical amounts on a credit card to cover the outstanding debts he owes me.
I just sent back saying I won't be drawn into this, I know the truth of what I'm living with, repeating I need a yes or no answer about him getting oil before I ask a couple of old friends for money.
If he is getting oil I need to know when it's delivered so I can make arrangements for my children.
In the past I would have gotten into long explanations about how much he still owes me, how much more I pay for everything than he does, how his contributions aren't what we agreed even prior to to the debt being incurred.
I didn't though.
Just had a message back from him saying they are getting back to him with a delivery time.
He's being very very careful with his texts this time. I'm beginning to realise that he's using them to evidence the way he wants others to see things. He knows this got him in trouble last time.
He can't help himself though.
He had to write that note and he had to send me the message saying he won't fill the tank, happy Mother's Day.
It's not even nine am and I'm exhausted dealing with him.
Xxx



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LightOrb

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2018, 09:59:42 AM »
Funmum, I am not asking for explanation, so please don't feel you need to justify yourself and tell me what you have done. I knoew you have done the best you can. You just said you know the costs for legal help, and can't afford them. In this case, can't you ask for free legal help? You are in the UK, right? I've read you can qualify for free legal help if you have some evidence of abuse, and I think that includes letters from counselors or women's shelters. Perhaps this is a way to start the procedure to sever ties...

:bighug:

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Funmum

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2018, 10:28:55 AM »
I'm sorry. I know I'm babbling and ranting and being frustrating.
I just have so much going through my head and it's like I've just started to really allow myself to think clearly and without bias about the last year. I've been so focused on the hope that he was serious about change I've let too much go. Then when the rages started I felt powerless again.
The reality is though, I guess, the house is on the market. It is only a matter of time. I need to toughen up I know I do. Xxx

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zephyrblue

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2018, 11:06:00 AM »
:bighug:

You're doing an amazing job under adverse circumstances.  You see him for who he is.  You're working on freeing yourself from him.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  If you discover a way to get help locally, take it.  Take care of yourself as best you can.  You can do this.  We're all behind you.  :hug:

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LightOrb

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2018, 11:42:48 AM »
I'm sorry. I know I'm babbling and ranting and being frustrating.

You are not. We have been in the same place, terrified of leaving, knowing we don't have money, fighting a monster who is in the same house.

My xH was never abusive like yours; he doesn't have the guts to fight face to face (even now he is doing his best to delay what needs to be done for the divorce, not fighting directly, but simply not doing anything). There was a time when I just couldn't be with him anymore, but I had lost my job, my FOO is poor, they lived in another country and they kept blaming me for his cheating on me and telling me I was aggressive and abusive because I was divorcing him, I didn't have friends who I could ask to give me a place to sleep. You name it. I stayed in my former home for more than 2 months because I didn't have a way out. I'm lucky he went to be with his wh*** for one of those months.

Almost 20 years ago I was in the same place with my uB M. I knew I needed to leave and I simply could not do it. In that case I spent around 8 years without being able to leave, in more or less the same circumstances: not having a job, then also not having a degree, without support of any kind (my aunt told me not to leave, and my parents told me they would stop paying college if I left). Hell was unbearable.

If I read my journal from these times, I am you. Exhausted, afraid, waiting for something to happen before it's possible to escape. Even now most days I only have energy to do my work. I am spending my weekends in bed watching movies and I eat frozen food from the microwave, there is nothing left of me for more than that. The main difference now is that when I am home I am safe, nobody has keys to my home. And when I am in the office, there are three secure doors between the street and me, so I am safe as well. But at the same time, it is so horrible that I know this, isn't it?

Keep talking to us, if we can help. We are with you :bighug:

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Funmum

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #30 on: March 12, 2018, 01:51:01 PM »
Oh my goodness I'm so so sorry for what you've been through and how that's affected you.
It's awful that you know the exit/security routes to your home and work but I can relate to this as well.
It's so hard isn't it that these patterns are etched on us from early childhood? this responsibility we feel to make the crazy person feel better?
Then when we can't it's almost a feeling of deserving what comes because it's happened so often before. It's like, this has happened to me since childhood, this is how me bring me makes people behave so the common factor is me, it can't possibly surely be that I've ended up repeating twice the pattern my mother set up with another two serious relationships?
Anybody looking in on this, and they do in my town believe me, will see my mother and how she "dotes" on her family and it's such a shame what she's done to her, then my exh, well respected family, comes across as a straight up guy....NOBODY outside the family sees how they really are, then there's current relationship. Some people do know what he's like, I've heard one guy from a group who went on a ski holiday with him said "never again, he's a complete nightmare, his way or the highway", but I think people generally think he's a good fun easygoing guy, he's the master of imitating the right way to think about a situation, the right way to feel and behave without actually conducting himself in such a way as soon as nobody is looking.
Then there's me, I keep myself to myself which in my town means your thought of as being superior. I help out with anything they need helpers for at school but I'd rather not get involved in the politics....so outsider there also......I don't attend the other mothers social, mainly drunken affairs because of I have my kids for the weekend then I want to do stuff with them and if I don't then I'm working...outsider.....my ex h has bad mouthed me to all of these groups and despite not seeing his kids half the time he's supposed to or attending many school events, def not a parents night of my younger two....he only wants to go to my eldest as he is a high achiever academically, makes me even more of an outsider, add in works and is divorced and there's no hope. I'm condemned as the nutcase they say I am without a chance.
I thought my exh was bad, he is bad but this man is just as bad just with a different demeanour.
The way you describe it as exhausted and afraid is exactly that. But if somebody said, like they have done, afraid of what? What do you think he will do to you? Then I'd struggle to answer and saying "give me a telling off from which there's no escape" doesn't really justify the fear I feel. That's why I then start to question my reality. It's so hard isn't it? I long to have my own front door again. I just wish I wasn't tied to being in this area for my children. Xxx

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LightOrb

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #31 on: March 12, 2018, 04:21:57 PM »
Oh my goodness I'm so so sorry for what you've been through and how that's affected you.

You know what's funny? Well, sort of? That a year ago I would have sworn I was one of the lucky ones, that I never suffered abuse and I was as happy as it was possible. Then I was pushed Out of the FOG, but my FOG wasn't at street level: I was pushed out of a cliff.

Then when we can't it's almost a feeling of deserving what comes because it's happened so often before. It's like, this has happened to me since childhood, this is how me bring me makes people behave so the common factor is me, it can't possibly surely be that I've ended up repeating twice the pattern my mother set up with another two serious relationships?

EXACTLY! I keep thinking it must be me, right? I am the common thread in all of this.

Then there's me, I keep myself to myself which in my town means your thought of as being superior. I help out with anything they need helpers for at school but I'd rather not get involved in the politics....so outsider there also......I don't attend the other mothers social, mainly drunken affairs because of I have my kids for the weekend then I want to do stuff with them and if I don't then I'm working...outsider.....my ex h has bad mouthed me to all of these groups and despite not seeing his kids half the time he's supposed to or attending many school events, def not a parents night of my younger two....he only wants to go to my eldest as he is a high achiever academically, makes me even more of an outsider, add in works and is divorced and there's no hope. I'm condemned as the nutcase they say I am without a chance.

I am an introvert and I've been harshly judged all my life for this.

The way you describe it as exhausted and afraid is exactly that. But if somebody said, like they have done, afraid of what? What do you think he will do to you? Then I'd struggle to answer and saying "give me a telling off from which there's no escape" doesn't really justify the fear I feel. That's why I then start to question my reality. It's so hard isn't it? I long to have my own front door again. I just wish I wasn't tied to being in this area for my children. Xxx

Even now I struggle to explain why I am afraid. Most people try to tell me that the IRS won't leave me without a home, that there are solutions and plans. He was not physically or verbally abusive, so most people don't understand why I am terrified. But I am so afraid that I changed all my contact information, I lost the email I used for more than 15 years, my phone, and I hired a company to scrub me off the internet. I closed my blogs, I stopped using my usual nicknames, I've done everything so he can never find me again. Why? I can't explain it to you.

:bighug: be safe.

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Rose1

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #32 on: March 13, 2018, 04:20:08 AM »
Its understandable and each one of us reaches it in our own time. My ex did me the favour of walking out (I think temporarily in his mind) and telling everyone that he had. So I refused to let him back. He left with a stack of debt and it took me a long time to sort it out but I was a lot better in myself. We were short of money for at least a year. Do you have a chance of getting any sort of government housing? Its difficult here (ex managed though, no idea how).

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Lighthousegirl

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #33 on: March 13, 2018, 02:29:36 PM »
Hi there,
You remind me of me so much. I would sit in the car when I got back, or before setting off for home at 9.30pm ish and have to steel myself to go in the door. I'd call my support network (women, sisters/friends) to get the strength to face whatever it would be.
I just want to emphasise your own point that this will end.
One of my mantras became "it'll be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then its not the end"
You are doing a great job looking after everyone to your best ability, I had to accept I could only do what I could do.... some things had to slip/wait/be lost.
Also, I'm sure you know, but I went to every solicitor that does a free half hour - at different times, for advice before I took one on to act for me. I'm uk too, small town, everyone knows everyone, but use the systems that are there. And open up to the school mums etc. I talked and talked in the end, and got only help.
You will come out of this.
Love and light to you
LG

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Beachgirl

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #34 on: March 14, 2018, 02:48:37 AM »
Take deep meditative breaths to lower your stress. Posting on the forum gives you a place to vent, good.  Took me a while to do that. Taking care of your kids gives you purpose and focus. But try to get a few minutes of exercise each day for seratonin and mental health. Small manageable steps to handle each day's issues. It will clear your head for wisdom to manage the future and give you strength for endurance to get through it. Self care. Hang on! Also I appreciated how you stood up to him over the oil. Straightforward black and white. Nice!
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉

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Funmum

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #35 on: March 14, 2018, 08:55:21 PM »
Thank you all for your kindness, your support, understanding and advice.
He locked the tank before he left do the oil couldn't be delivered. Then messaged ME to ask if I'd unlocked it, waited until I was at work to do this so there was nothing i could do. The company tried to deliver it but couldn't.
All while he was away in comfort with his son and most likely a woman.
So...I did a slightly sneaky thing I guess, I called the oil company as he only pretend half a tank, I got expenses for a study day I attended with work that is forgotten about, I asked oil company if I could add on another 200l, I got a preferential rate because the order was of a higher amount, which he had paid the higher rate at.....spoke to the girl, who said the delivery would be next week now as they couldn't get into the tank. I ended up for the first time, not covering for him. She said she had spoken to my "husband" and he had told her he had forgotten to leave out the key for the delivery guy, had asked me to do it. I explained that unfortunately I am separated from him, he's not my husband, he was supposed to fill the oil tank but ran it empty and left me and my children, (two of whom are asthmatic and don't do well with cold) without heating and sent me a message saying there was no oil, happy Mother's Day while I was working a twelve hour shift in ICU. She was lovely, commented on how horrible that was, said sorry to me which I said there was no need, I understood it wasn't her problem but I eould like the delivery as soon as possible and I was extremely sorry for the drivers time having been wasted,  I did feel a bit embarrassed then realised its not me that should be embarrassed as I have not done this to someone, I'm not responsible for this. She very kindly said she couldn't make any promises but she would do all she could to get it there ASAP. It came today!!!!
I managed to remember how to access the lockout override button then kept resetting til it started. The heaters are on!!!!!
My daughter is bunking in with me tonight and has fallen asleep like an angel. I feel so much more relaxed without him here. An old friend, a male friend he didn't like me being in touch with messaged me and I had a quick catch up with him...something I couldn't do if he was around. He's back Friday but I'll just keep out of his way. I'm working day shift. The estate agents have someone wanting to view house on Friday, I asked them to deal with it as id be at work.....turns out he was lying about giving them a key and telling them to come whenever they wanted....that was just to antagonise me and bully.
Might actually sleep tonight with my beautiful babies warm in their beds.
Thank you all of you wonderful kind people. Xxx

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zephyrblue

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #36 on: March 14, 2018, 10:06:53 PM »
 :aaauuugh:

The games he's playing with you are downright Machiavellian.  :hug:  So glad you have heat!

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Rose1

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #37 on: March 15, 2018, 12:11:14 AM »
Great! The not covering for him is a big step. Notice what he's doing? He's setting you up to be the fall guy so he looks good. In reality he is a nasty abuser who is gaslighting all over the place. It will come back to bite him, in fact sounds like it already is.

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Lighthousegirl

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #38 on: March 15, 2018, 04:43:28 AM »
Brilliant!  :yourock:
Remembering that we are not totally reliant on another being for our own safety, happiness etc. That we are clever, responsible, resilient people - is all part of the process. We don't need their nonsense. We do need to get out of the foggy living where we have forgotten that we can do all these things (order oil, unlock tank, switch heating on) perfectly efficiently ourselves.
You are doing a great job, it gets easier once you begin to see the light. I feel like you are unlikely to trust anything he tells you now. This looks like a wise move. And as Rose says, great that you didn't cover for him. Be honest with people and what comes back is care and compassion.

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Funmum

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Re: Can't face going home after my shift.
« Reply #39 on: March 15, 2018, 06:00:45 AM »
Thank you. You are all right.
It's so hard fighting my instinct to get in touch with him and say, "how can you do this? Do you understand what you are doing to me? What you are doing to my kids?" As though it would make any difference. What I need to do really is not engage in contact with him and remind myself constantly that all of this is designed to make me break. It's designed to keep power and control over me. Not engaging with him means I'm not handing that power over to him I think. He takes enough without me giving it. The reality is he wouldn't care. He doesn't do this by accident. He only gives if he thinks it'll get him more back, everything is calculated. He'll be away just now doing an entertaining wounded animal. He will be painting a picture that bears no resemblance to reality so that his entourage don't start to question.
I know him. I know what he does. I think I just need to maintain as much distance as possible. I just have to accept that the whole town will be under the impression I'm a lunatic that he's tried to do everything he can for.
This is the sort of stuff he comes out with. Whilst following me, filming me, making bogus phone calls and lying to everyone including the police about it all.
Here's hoping the house sells and I can separate myself from him. Physically. Then work on proper mental separation. Xxx