It all came out

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CoffeeCup2

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It all came out
« on: March 12, 2018, 09:48:06 AM »
Well, we had a massive blow out last night. I told stbx exactly how I felt. I told him about the built up anxiety, the stress, how I feel like a zero. How I feel unappreciated.

It got turned around on me quite a bit. He then also tried to hoover by saying he needed to be close to me, he was so upset he couldn’t sleep, etc.

I asked him again to seek help.

Of course, part of me wants to say - ok let’s try this again and we will work harder. The other part knows that didn’t work the last dozen or so times.

Could really use your support.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 10:34:07 AM by CoffeeCup2 »

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Me_Again

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Re: It all came out
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2018, 10:40:57 AM »
 :bighug:

You're in the midst of the storm, and you're navigating the waters depending on the changing waves. You're doing great keeping yourself on top of the water, and right now, all you can focus on is getting through this hurricane. You can't even think about calmer waters yet; you just have to focus on plowing through this.

Your words got turned around you--Typical trick used by many PDs

Hoovering--Typical trick used by many PDs

Objectively, you know what he's doing and what the outcome will be. But emotionally, you cling to the hope that he can change.  For me, I could tell you "Been there, Done that, Got the t-shirt."

I see myself in what you wrote. Oh dear Lord, how many times did I tell my uNPDxH the exact same things you told your H last night? I would literally sob to uNPDxH and beg him to go to therapy, to open up about his pain, to tell him that I felt like a bad wife and mother, to apologize for not cleaning the house, etc, etc, etc.

His reactions/tricks were:

Silent Treatment
Rage
Hoovering
Agreement

His personal trick of choice was usually ST, which I believe he learned from his father. That trick would lead sobbing me to beg him to talk to me, so that meant ST would last longer.

I objectively knew my marriage was over many, many years ago. But emotionally, I had hope. Looking back, I know that I had to stay and try everything so that I now know that I did everything I could do. I have not had a single doubt about leaving him once I had my "I'm Done" moment. If I had left earlier than that, he probably would've been able to Hoover me back into the marriage.

Please be kind to yourself. We're here and not judging you. I didn't start posting here until after my divorce, but if I had posted during my marriage, I could've written a lot of what you have.

 :bighug:

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: It all came out
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2018, 11:10:17 AM »
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words of inspiration.

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Beachgirl

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Re: It all came out
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2018, 02:22:04 AM »
CoffeeCup, I can totally relate. I'm saying this coming from a similar place and I've been researching for years now. If the research is correct: The venting to him,  also from my own experience but I think its more therapy for you. He can't hear you....but you hear you.  He has an illness to protect if not two or three. He cant validate your words. Not to the point of fixing it, until he decides to take steps without you.  Addiction is an illness all on its own. His brain tells him has to protect the addiction. He may decide to change someday but it will have to be his decision.  You telling him how you feel is healthy for your healing. I'm sorry he turned it back on you. It does give them ammunition when we're upset. He doesn't want you to leave but he cant change just for you. Has to do it because he wants to. We suffer. Dont we just want to save them and save our relationships? Now you can breathe. You told him how you feel. Probably told him a hundred times. Its not about us at all. I'm with you in similar shoes walking similar footsteps. Use the toolbox. Medium chill. Self-care. Focus on helping ourselves, then if they want to make an effort down the road we can be strong enough to help then. An interesting reminder but it makes sense; in event of emergency put the oxygen on your face before you can help the other passengers. You have our support.
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉