I don’t know if I made the right choice.

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CoffeeCup2

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I don’t know if I made the right choice.
« on: March 12, 2018, 08:30:27 AM »
Even after all of this, I feel as though there is one more avenue to try.

stbx agreed to counselling. Appointment has been made.

I do not know if he will follow through or not.

Right now he is very upset. However, I have to remain firm. He has to show commitment to improvement. I have a feeling it won’t transpire, especially because he actually blamed me for not pushing him harder to seek counseling
« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 08:45:12 AM by CoffeeCup2 »

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LightOrb

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2018, 08:45:10 AM »
Is that individual therapy or couples therapy? Everything I've read from abuse experts say it's not wise to do couples therapy with them.

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zephyrblue

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2018, 09:54:49 AM »
If he goes to individual therapy without whining and blaming you over it, great.  The next step is for him to show marked, sustained improvement in behavior. 

IMO he's unlikely to go to therapy, and even if he does unlikely to show any sort of lasting change.  From what you've described he likes to have pity parties for himself, then numb out with alcohol and/or weed.  That does not indicate any motivation to do the hard work to change his attitude and behavior. 

Don't worry about it being the "right" choice to encourage him to go to therapy.  You're doing everything in your power to salvage this relationship.  You'll see if this works. 

:bighug:

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Funmum

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2018, 12:38:13 PM »
You do whatever feels right for you at the time. If you are ready to see if this works then that's what's right for you just now.
All I would say is, mine did this, went for nearly a year, clinical psychologist. From what he's told me I think she has her suspicions but do t think she's told him. She gets him to focus on his good behaviours and encourage those. Unfortunately his interpretation of this is that if he acts like a reasonable person 50% of the time then everyone has to forget about the 50% of horrible behaviour because we just don't acknowledge it. The further on he's got the more validated he seems to think he is. He's forgiven himself and has moved on and knows he's a good person because he did feel bad about his behaviour and didn't like it. Now though he's said he never wants to feel bad again so doesn't want to talk to anyone about his bad behaviours and definitely doesn't want ME to talk to anyone about my experiences. I spoke to a couples therapist who deals with high conflict situations. I described what if experienced to see if he got it and he said these were behaviours associated with high levels of disordered thinking and I should get myself therapy and work on why I think there is anything worth saving and what I thought I was gaining from exposure to these behaviours, why I thought that was desirable for me.
I decided to give him a chance. It hasn't gone well but that doesn't mean it won't for you. What I would say is it might be an idea get yourself some professional help so you can work out what you want with your life, not just him but how you see your life being in the future. When and if you feel ready. Otherwise your both focused on "making him better". He's the one that needs to alter his behaviours, all his responsibility. Not yours.
Sending you hugs because I know how draining this feels. Xxx

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2018, 03:43:52 PM »
It is extremely draining. I canít even begin to describe how utterly exhausted I am right now.

Yes, I did what felt right at the moment for me, much to the dismay of others Iím sure. The appointments have been made. All I can do is tread water I guess and see what happens.

I did what I had to do today because I could not physically/emotionally/mentally handle any other option at this time. I couldnít. My head is cluttered.  I feel ill. I am tired and drained. I had to whatís best for me. Itís hard to explain.

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Funmum

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2018, 05:22:05 PM »
I of is hard to explain but honestly you don't have to.
Just breathe now. Let yourself relax and know that you did all you had to do. This isn't a race to the finish line. There's not a deadline. Don't feel pressured like there is. Time to re group and work on doing for you for a while. Little treats and lots of rest. People got angry at me for being so tired but looking back, taking to my bed for a few days probably would have done me good.
Be kind to you. Xxx

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2018, 07:52:49 PM »
I of is hard to explain but honestly you don't have to.
Just breathe now. Let yourself relax and know that you did all you had to do. This isn't a race to the finish line. There's not a deadline. Don't feel pressured like there is. Time to re group and work on doing for you for a while. Little treats and lots of rest. People got angry at me for being so tired but looking back, taking to my bed for a few days probably would have done me good.
Be kind to you. Xxx

Thanks - you hit the nail on the head. I do feel as though this is a race to the finish line. I feel like the shot clock is ticking. I feel like because so many people know, I have to get it done soon.

Itís not enough to sit and think about an amazing future and be upset after. Like last time, I feel like this was my only chance. And I got sucked in. I gave him another chance. Now Iím tied down.

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mdana

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2018, 08:05:22 PM »
I of is hard to explain but honestly you don't have to.
Just breathe now. Let yourself relax and know that you did all you had to do. This isn't a race to the finish line. There's not a deadline. Don't feel pressured like there is. Time to re group and work on doing for you for a while. Little treats and lots of rest. People got angry at me for being so tired but looking back, taking to my bed for a few days probably would have done me good.
Be kind to you. Xxx

Thanks - you hit the nail on the head. I do feel as though this is a race to the finish line. I feel like the shot clock is ticking. I feel like because so many people know, I have to get it done soon.

Itís not enough to sit and think about an amazing future and be upset after. Like last time, I feel like this was my only chance. And I got sucked in. I gave him another chance. Now Iím tied down.

There is no deadline. Have you thought about the possibility that maybe these feelings of pressure and anxiety ócould be related to how unsettling the relationship and environment is?

When things are going ďwellĒó in any relationship, we tend to feel calm and ok (no pressure). When a relationship has many issues and is unstable ówe feel anxious, pressured, stressed (no matter what anyone says).

Not sure this is true for you. For me, when we seemed to get along or I felt my ex was off my back, I felt settled and safe (I could forget we had problems). But, when there were issues (which, towards the end was almost constant) I felt so much pressure (to figure things out), anxiety, unstable.

Later I realized how impossible it was (for me) to feel stable in that relationshipógiven how toxic the environment and energy was.

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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symbasmommy

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2018, 09:20:09 PM »
Coffee you don't ever have to feel you need to explain yourself to us......just take care if you...take some time in quiet and sort thru your feelings....I am sending you hugs and strength....

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Kat54

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2018, 10:08:44 AM »
Don't explain yourself, everyone understands. Right when I was walking out the door to separate my uNPDh asked if we could we go to counseling together. And it was half hearted thing from him.  We went together for a few months and it was a joke, it was all about him and I was afraid to speak. The therapist loved him.  The first therapist we went to hit the nail on the head. She separated us and started him alone, which he didn't like at all so he stopped after a few months. Its all about control and his narcissistic behavior. She told me you'll never fix the marriage when one of you has some major issues, ie anxiety, depression, anger issues, narcissism. If those can't be addressed than couples counselling will never work. I told him if he went on his own that would be great and maybe eventually couples together. He never went and moved on only angry by me leaving.  It all has to come from me and my efforts, he has no need to put in that effort to fix the marriage because its all my fault. Because....he takes no responsibility, they never do. 

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2018, 03:33:31 PM »
I of is hard to explain but honestly you don't have to.
Just breathe now. Let yourself relax and know that you did all you had to do. This isn't a race to the finish line. There's not a deadline. Don't feel pressured like there is. Time to re group and work on doing for you for a while. Little treats and lots of rest. People got angry at me for being so tired but looking back, taking to my bed for a few days probably would have done me good.
Be kind to you. Xxx

Thanks - you hit the nail on the head. I do feel as though this is a race to the finish line. I feel like the shot clock is ticking. I feel like because so many people know, I have to get it done soon.

Itís not enough to sit and think about an amazing future and be upset after. Like last time, I feel like this was my only chance. And I got sucked in. I gave him another chance. Now Iím tied down.

There is no deadline. Have you thought about the possibility that maybe these feelings of pressure and anxiety ócould be related to how unsettling the relationship and environment is?

When things are going ďwellĒó in any relationship, we tend to feel calm and ok (no pressure). When a relationship has many issues and is unstable ówe feel anxious, pressured, stressed (no matter what anyone says).

Not sure this is true for you. For me, when we seemed to get along or I felt my ex was off my back, I felt settled and safe (I could forget we had problems). But, when there were issues (which, towards the end was almost constant) I felt so much pressure (to figure things out), anxiety, unstable.

Later I realized how impossible it was (for me) to feel stable in that relationshipógiven how toxic the environment and energy was.

M

A lot of the anxiety came from the relationship, thatís for sure. However, so much came from pressure from outsiders to do things. They had deadlines I needed to have in place. When I finally gave a soft deadline, they encouraged me to move it up. The pressure and the pushing caused me to shut down. It was almost as if I was doing things by their schedule and not mine. It caused me extreme stress and anxiety.

Is my relationship bad?  Yes it is. I realize that. Maybe they think Iím an idiot for not getting it when they told me to. Maybe they think Iím foolish for still being in it. Who knows. But I cannot deal with the anxiety of the relationship plus the constant pressure and pushing from them. I just canít.

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Whiteheron

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2018, 06:05:47 PM »
Coffee, you need to stop listening to these people and listen to you. They can't know what it's like to be in your situation. Only you know what's right for you. I'm sure these people want you to be happy and think they have your best interests at heart, but you shouldn't feel any pressure from them or their timelines. It's your life, your relationship. If you need to stop listening to these people for a short time (or longer), then do so.

I would talk to certain friends about anything and everything other than stbx. I found it easier that way and that way they weren't asking why/when/how/etc. I don't think I could have handled the pressure on top of dealing with PD nonsense. That being  said, my sister continuously told me to pack up and leave. She didn't get that I still needed to live in the same house with him for a time. Reading her texts was incredibly frustrating, but I would constantly remind myself that she didn't know the entire situation, that she didn't know better than me when it came to what I needed to do/what I could do. I had to remind myself frequently that she just didn't get it, no matter how well intended her words.

Hang in there, we get you.
:hug:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2018, 07:23:19 PM »
Thanks, literally everybody else says this is my decision that I have to make myself. The when, the how. Thatís up to me. Sure, they reinforce that this is getting me nowhere, but they truly understand the complexity of it. I thought other individuals would too, seeing as they have experienced the same sort of situation before, and I get they want to help. But, like I mentioned, pushing makes me shut down hard.

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Beachgirl

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Re: I don’t know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2018, 07:48:27 PM »
 It's super complex! We practically have to peel off a layer of our own skin to detach and get away. We dont want to live like this and we also want to be loyal and forgiving and supportive. Honestly it made it harder to think to leave this time when i had friends try to comfort me to keep enduring the situation or tell me that they thought he did really love me. (Wha?) I'd rather have them tell me to get out. After much research and a couple of personality tests, i found out i care too much about what others think, think too hard, and delay while waiting for more info so i can handle things perfectly. Lol.  We want people to be there when we need them but not too involved. Maybe we appear indecisive when we're working out the emotions so people think we need permission or guidance. Baby steps sometimes. Therapy might give some self-awareness. Its your life and your choice. Or it might help you decide what to do next. We're getting ready for the jump. Its ok that we need to prepare first. When you run a race you dont just wake up and go. We need to be able to run this one all the way out. Whether out of the abuse or out of the house. You're fine! I'm there with you in the same boat.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2018, 08:09:07 PM by Beachgirl »
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉

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A_life_I_design

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2018, 02:05:37 PM »
Hi,
I wanted to add that you are most likely doing the right thing if you believe it well help the situation for yourself and addresses something  you need. I also wanted to let you know that I did something similar. I am now divorced from an uOCPDh but over a year before I asked for the divorce, I asked him to go to therapy to deal with the anger. He went as I asked but, after 3 or 4 visits, he said his therapist wanted me to join for couples therapy. I never went with him and that was the last session he ever attended - he never even went back. I now know that his therapist wanted me to join in a session so she could learn really what the issues was - because he was still not accepting responsibility for his behavior, still blaming everyone else. It took me over a year after that to realize that I had actually asked for my own needs to be met and that he was never going to change before I asked for a divorce. It is so easy for us to second guess ourselves. It is now almost 3 years later and I still second guess myself, but at least I'm working on it.

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heartinhand

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Re: I donít know if I made the right choice.
« Reply #15 on: March 14, 2018, 02:12:54 PM »
CoffeeCup, there is no time limit.  Only you will know when and if there is a right time to do whatever it is that you want to do.  If you want to try counseling, then do it.  If you don't want to try counseling, then don't.  One day, you will just "know" what you need.  I tried for years to push myself to leave my relationship.  I actually left 4 times before and went back again only to have things get worse.  Then I had an "aha" moment, I left mid-day and haven't been back.  That's what worked for me and what I needed to do but it doesn't mean that is what everyone should do. 

There is no judgment here.  Everyone has gone through it.  We support you whatever you decide. 

Be kind to yourself.  That's the main thing. 

Take care and God bless!