Clicking fingers. Has anyone else noticed "tells" for them ramping up?

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Funmum

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My stbx is back after few days away God knows where. I didn't want to hear his "talk" after a very long week so he got nasty with me again last night. Came back and didn't have the good grace to leave me alone in the bedroom. Strutted in as entitled as ever.
This morning he's stomping about clicking his fingers in rapid succession. The one session we went to with a couples counsellor, a guy that saw exactly what he was from all the behaviours he displayed. He told me separately that he was displaying signs of highly dis functional personality disordered thinking and behaviour and I needed to work on myself getting stronger. During our joint session he asked me to describe what I meant by knowing when trouble was coming. I described how he would come in and be clicking his fingers over and over and then the questioning would start over goodness knows what. I would be feeling sick as soon as I heard the fingers clicking. He's started to do it a couple of times since then stopped himself. Today though he's stomping about loudly doing it outside my door. I know it sounds paranoid but I know this is him letting me know I'm in for trouble. I'm ignoring it as best I can. I knew he would get worse.
Does anyone else experience a "tell" for when they are working themselves up?
Just wondering if anyone knows what I mean. Finger clicking is a total trigger for me now. Makes me feel sick every time. Whoever does it. I know though that this means he's spiralling. If he's not getting a reaction from talking to me directly. If I'm not managing him then he will go down other avenues to hurt me. I know it's coming. I don't know what. Will probably involve solicitors and not paying his share of mortgage. He knows I worry dreadfully about money so he knows that will cause me anxiety. I'm guessing that's his next move. He will go around doing this. Telling me aggressively how "nice" and "fair" he's being.
I'm so tired. X

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Liftedfog

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Trust your instincts they are telling you that you are afraid of him.  Don't question yourself. You have great insight and you are on to him.  But will that keep you safe under the same roof as him?  I'm afraid for you.  Yesterday on the news two more women paid the price.  Both women had told their abusers they were leaving.  Which is the most dangerous time.     I don't want to scare you.  I know you are being vigilan but its like a hen being trapped with a wolf.     Any way you can go to a shelter and let then help you?  You don't need to live in the house while it sells.  I can't recall if you have a lawyer but he can take care of that while you stay safe.  Will he need to sign the offers? Will he sign or stall and make it difficult for you.  You will need to agree on the offer and both sign.   The way he is acting withholding what he knows you want, he may give you a hard time and prolong the sale of the home.   Keeping you trapped longer. Its a way he will keep control over you.   Or if the house sells, you still need to agree on division of belongings.   I don't see one nice bone in his body.  Will he torture you about the packing of the contents??  And more time will pass before closing of the sale.  He is unhinged and unstable.  Please stay safe.

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Funmum

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Thank you but if I leave this house then I kiss goodbeye to everything, any chance of ever having a home for my kids. He did this before, I got out and had to spend thousands in court fees being able to get in to my things.
He would sit here indefinitely manipulating things. He's so shady, I know if it was left to him there would be an offer I'd be forced into and he would get a wedge of cash on the side. He tried to do that before when we were looking at houses. He sees nothing wrong in doing things that are illegal like that. I was horrified when i found out.
He came to the house with nothing. We bought a sofa together and the vast majority of everything else in the house is mine. My eldest sleeps in his old bed, it's not nice though and I can get a new one. There's no questions over that. It was agreed before. The joke of it is he was demanding "his" items that he bright from his flat....a bathroom cabinet that I bought because there was nowhere for me to leave toiletries at his and a large mirror for the bedroom as he had no proper mirror at his flat. It's a joke. All the garden equipment, all the kitchen equipment, all the dinning furniture. I don't care about it. I am a good homemaker, I know I can make anywhere seem nice. I'll never have the home I did before. That's gone, he took that. I don't want to give him my chance of ever having a home for me and my children again.
He thinks nothing of stealing my belongings, he's done it before and feels entitled to do so.
My daughter is going to a friend's this afternoon for a play date.
My younger son wants to stay home and do online gaming with his friends, he was promised this time for getting his schoolwork up to date. I'm going to meet my eldest in town when he's done with his breakfast with friends after I drop off my daughter. The weather is foul but we might go for hot chocolate somewhere.
I know my younger son will be fine at home. He won't dare say a word to him because he knows he would tell me and that would be the point of police intervention. He knows that so he's keeping out of their way.
He ignored me this morning when I passed and said good morning, walked right past me and gave the dog crate a kick.
He's a horrible man. I see this clearly now. Talking to him will just fog my head. X

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Whiteheron

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Yes, my stbx has several tells. One that gets under my skin the most is he rubs his thumb quickly against his index and middle finger. You know something's cooking in that brain of his when he does this. Even worse is if he does it while pacing. He has another where he will furrow his brow just so...and I know he's about to enlighten me as to my misdeeds. I can't stand to even look at him anymore, because I feel he's trying to signal me with his body language and it completely stresses me out.

When I was sleeping in a separate room, he made a point of waking up early and slamming around in the kitchen. Waking up not only myself, but oftentimes the kids. Heck, he even did this when I was sleeping in the same room - slam about in the bathroom - turn the lights on and off.

I'm so sorry your going through this. Lots of hugs to you :hug:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Funmum

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Yes! You are right! The pacing as well and look on his face. The stomping and crashing. As though with every movement he's puffing himself up and making himself bigger and more important and intimidating.
That's how I feel now. I don't want to look at him because his whole demeanour I understand so completely and it's sickening. X

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Whiteheron

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It is sickening. I just wanted to scream at him "grow up already!!!" But I was afraid, so I didn't say a word.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Liftedfog

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My expdh used to pace too!   It drove me nuts cause I braced myself for what would come out of his mouth.

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Rose1

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Yes, pace and puff himself up like a puffer fish. To be intimidating I guess. Also weird groaning roaring stuff. Don't miss it

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Lighthousegirl

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Yes! You are right! The pacing as well and look on his face. The stomping and crashing. As though with every movement he's puffing himself up and making himself bigger and more important and intimidating.
That's how I feel now. I don't want to look at him because his whole demeanour I understand so completely and it's sickening. X

Its "sickening"
Because actually that feeling is fear.

Stay safe everyone
<3

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Beachgirl

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Liftedfog that is scary news. It's difficult to acknowledge what abusive people can do...and that it can happen in your own situation.
Funmum, I agree that things he does are triggers for me now. I'm pretty sure he knows it. He taps on things that make noise, paces, blasts music or the tv, lots of ramping up signs. Then acts like nothing is happening until he throws something over my head or into a wall. If I say something, it usually just speeds up the process and he might even rage harder. I take medication to keep me calm. Not much just enough to control my feelings and reactions. I am just looking for more income. My son is grown. I'll need a place to live after I increase my income. My lease is co-signed because I have credit so that's a difficulty. Your situation sounds complicated and entangled. I hope you find opportunities to restore yourself while you endure. Little positives every single day if you can. I have a list of options for when I'm depressed so I don't forget...
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: Clicking fingers. Has anyone else noticed "tells" for them ramping up?
« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2018, 05:02:23 PM »
Stbx will put his heads in his hands in despair. This to me means something is brewing. That, or when I come into the room, he will quit what heís doing, fold his arms and stare at the wall.

In the past this worked for me. I would instantly get anxious and try and soothe. Now I leave.

He knows that used to work for me. So, when I donít give it the time of day, he ramps it up.

I remember the anxiety that used to give me.

Be safe

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Andrea

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Re: Clicking fingers. Has anyone else noticed "tells" for them ramping up?
« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2018, 09:39:39 AM »
I so understand. I just left my husband a little over a month ago and there were sure fire signs that something bad was coming. I could never really pinpoint one thing. It was just literally the mood in the air shifted and I new I was in for it. Towards the end I developed a physical reaction of uncontrollable shaking, like it was subfreezing temperatures on a warm summer night. It was about to be a long night of outlandish accusations every time. Sometimes it would be something I had done that day (if I looked at a car passing by then I was checking someone out, even if I didn't remember the car because that's not really what I was looking at) or it was bringing up a crazy accusation that I'd been accused of months ago and it (he left a message in an ashtray one time and still swears to this day that I saw it but who looks for words in ashtrays?). No matter what it was or how I reacted, the situation never got better and I would just have to ride it out. But yes, I saw the signs. And when I would get on edge because I knew it was coming, he would use that against me too. He would tell me I was on edge because I knew what I had done. Either that, or he would tell me that I was reading into things and get me to calm down and relax, and as soon as I really thought I was reading into it then he'd hit me with an accusation.