I was right. He went to be with her.

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Funmum

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I was right. He went to be with her.
« on: March 17, 2018, 09:29:07 AM »
He's been staying with the person I thought.
Other woman, "friend". The one he always kept dangling in reserve. The one with big money and fancy banking job. Goes to all the fancy places to eat, holidays that she pays for. Will be right up his street. She's supposedly got a partner now but he doesn't live with her and he's left things out in the room to make me know that's where he's been. I'm not going to talk to him. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of lying to my face about any of this.
I know I shouldn't care but it's the final knife through my heart. It's so hurtful. He knows what he's doing exactly and how much he will hurt me. Yet he's the one acting like he's been badly treated and I deserve to be treated badly. I feel like I could cry. For a week. Heading out with my two sons. Take them shopping for stuff but I feel sick and on autopilot. So hurt. So humiliated. So betrayed. Xxx

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LightOrb

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2018, 10:46:33 AM »
I am so, so sorry, Funmum. After everything he has done, he had to do this to you. He is horrible. I am so sorry.

However, there is a small glimpse of hope in this, you know? They, the other women, are the ones keeping them busy. It is difficult to accept, but they rescue us. They took away the monster's attention from us, so we can prepare our escape. It hurts like hell to be discarded,  to really see how unimportant we were, and that we were only props in their play. But the more he is with her, the more she will ask from him, and the less time and brain space he will have to abuse you. Mind you that even if his parents don't like you and pretend he will be better without you, they will not easily approve his cheating, so he needs to find ways to hide what he is doing, and that uses his attention, away from you.

And keep the satisfaction of knowing exactly what she will get from him, sooner or later. I'd consider it as a reward for getting involved with a married man.

:bighug:
« Last Edit: March 17, 2018, 10:53:39 AM by LightOrb »

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lifeline

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2018, 10:49:29 AM »
 :bighug:

It's going to be ok. You're going to be more than ok.  She (the ow) is actually the unfortunate one amongst you and her. Remember that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2018, 02:52:45 PM »
I'm so sorry, Funmum. And, sad to say, you are not alone. The cheating is such a common story on these boards. It's really, really hard.

What I say is based entirely upon my own experience.  (U/npd exH ran off with the N woman he'd been maintaining an (at least) emotional affair with throughout our marriage. She fits the description you've given for your stbx's girlfriend. )

May I advise, don't let her have anything to do with your children. And don't you have any communixation with her either.

She may well turn out to be a nice, normal non who shortly ditches your stbx. But she also (like my situation) might turn out to be just as bad, if not worse than him.

They've given you an out, although I think you'd already reached that point anyway. You can leave guilt free. Just do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe.

I can't help but wonder what his son thinks of the situation.

Hugs to you.

AOD

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LightOrb

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2018, 04:29:55 PM »
I can't help but wonder what his son thinks of the situation.

Probably sees nothing wrong, AoD. My xH is doing to me what his malignant narc father did to him mother, including the financial abuse.

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Funmum

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2018, 04:48:02 PM »
Thankfully my children are not his children so I don't need to let them have anything to do with them. His son copies his father like he's a god when he's not crying because he's lost his temper because he hasn't been able to do his homework then I intervene. This new woman will probably get on well with him. She has the money that means he can get to do as he wants, run around in her car, doing the occasional errand and she will be happy with that. She employs someone to clean for her, do her housework, do her shopping, arrange her social life, take care of her son at home, teach her son at school. You name it she has paid help. All right up his street. He will bask in the glory and set himself up as the dependable knight. I know EXACTLY how he operates and I know it will work. It's who he should have been with all along. I think he felt a bit intimidated by her and her friends before. He is really uncomfortable if the company are well educated, something I realise now. She's got issues, I know of her family, her mother was bipolar and she is a classic codependent....suits him down to the ground. I don't actually have anything against her. I fall for his rubbish do he will be telling her all the stuff that makes her believe he's what he wants her to believe.
The best of it is, there's a lovely man that I have known for years that I turned down then had nothing to do with because I am so fiercely loyal. Someone who would have treated me like a princess, someone who I can actually have a grown up conversation with, totally together, amazing career that he took a break from to be in the country with elderly failing parents. No issues, just a nice guy. I could have easily been there any time and I didn't, I didn't even keep a very long term friendship going with him really because of how I thought it might make him feel.
Yet he thinks he can go and stay with this woman and come back to our bed whenever it suits.
I need to find something in me that makes me feel I'm worth more. I'm worth the nice guy that just wants to be nice because he values me the way I am x
« Last Edit: March 17, 2018, 05:05:26 PM by Funmum »

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D.Dan

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2018, 05:32:28 PM »
My stbex called the minor he sexually exploited "porn" because he never touched her. His other excuse was he did it for me. Then because I didn't forgive and forget when he wanted me to, he said I had a grudge. He also admitted he'd probably have another similar relationship again.

My updmom assumed that if her boyfriend wasn't right beside her, then she was single. So anytime she came to my house to visit she'd describe how single life was then when he phoned her, she's suddenly talking about being in a relationship.

I could be completely off base but what your describing sounds like he's discarding you but trying to guarantee that you never move on from him. Like he's trying to destroy your soul before you can get away. You never deserved any of his treatment, it's inhumane. I hope you understand, you do deserve to be happy. You deserve so many good things. All I have heard from your posts is how you give, and give, and give, and it's still not enough for him. It's like he's trying to consume you so there's nothing left for yourself.

For all the hard work you put into your life, you don't deserve to be treated like a princess, you deserve to be treated like a queen.

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SeaGlass

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2018, 06:58:40 PM »
 :sadno:I am so, so sorry Funmum. You were right, and now you know for sure. I hope this helps you break free. You deserve so much more.

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Liftedfog

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2018, 08:07:32 PM »
Makes me really wonder why such a financially successful woman is getting from your PD.  How broken must she be?   Let them have eachother.   Its the break you need because he will have her to focus on. Just keep yourself safe including from any diseases so don't let him touch you.  He can go and get that from her.   

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Funmum

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2018, 01:52:26 AM »
Thank you all of you.
I think it's true to say this is discard in action. As soon as he starts the triangulation of telling his "friends" what he's had to "put up with" I know he's in full damage limitation made. I know he will deny deny deny that there is anything going on with her. But I also know he uses her whenever he wants to make me feel bad.
He's great at pointing out how other people exploit her but doesn't see that he is no different. Running about in my car he doesn't contribute to. Not paying the money he owes me. Expecting everything to be done for him.
He just does not care about me.
It does feel like he's ripping up my soul in front of me.
X

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2018, 02:19:13 AM »
You are hurting so much Funmum. Is there any chance you can take the emotions out of your situation a bit and get legal advice? It sounds like you have to worry about being taken to the cleaners financially as well as emotionally abused and intimidated. Not sure if you can stand up to such a man on your own, without any help.

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Funmum

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2018, 03:57:25 AM »
Thank you.
I have a legal agreement in place that makes provision for me getting back some of the money he owes me from his half of the sale of the house.
I just need to get this house sold. That's what I'm concentrating on. I have lost out massively financially from him. But if I get the house sold then I can be free. We don't have kids together so there's no need for me to have anything to do with him. He bought me a ring, wanted me to marry him during the first big Hoover after we moved in here and his behaviour was awful. He's asked for it back a couple of times but I haven't given it to him. At the moment it's hidden and locked in my car. I'm going to put it in my locker at work along with a couple of other things I don't want stolen. It's time to look after me. I know it sounds bad but he's cost me so much, anything I can get for it, (which won't be much I know for second hand jewellery) is something I can give my kids.
It's so sad that he couldn't just be the man he pretends to be. We could be enjoying time together and planning a wedding party and be happy and id be wearing that beautiful ring with pride.
But no, he needs to control and be nasty whenever he wishes.
I do feel bad that I'm not having a conversation with him and I know this is giving him lots of amunition to tell others how unreasonable I am. I don't have any problems communicating with others in my life though. The reason I don't engage with him is because I know it's just him dictating and bullying. It makes no difference what I try to say, he will cut me off and not allow me to speak. He has no right to treat me like that. Nobody else talks to me this way. There's an agreement, I'm doing what I can to get house sold, there's nothing else to say to him. I've told him I can't afford to pay his half of mortgage so whatever he does he will need to pay that. I suspect he won't in which case I need to talk to mortgage company.
Thankfully he didn't come home last night. He didn't tell me he wasn't coming back. My daughter and I headed to my bed early to watch a movie and have a "mummy sleepover". I didn't sleep well wondering if he'd be back at any minute. It was a relief when I realised he didn't. But now I'm wondering when he will be back. I can't wait for this to end. To be free of wondering when he's going to crash into my life and give me hell. X

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Funmum

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2018, 08:00:37 AM »
He's just walked in with his son. We are finishing brunch. His son goes through the kitchen, past us all, doesn't even look in our direction. I said hello, I was ignored, I said hello again and he grunted and walked away upstairs. He then comes in behind him, ignores everyone, walks through like kids and I aren't there. Again I say hello, twice. He angrily snaps "hello" then storms off upstairs.
They are acting like we are doing something bad to them just by being here. He's obviously in full flight of fantasy where he's constructed a scenario that he's the injured party. It's completely insane. It just doesn't end. All because I said I didn't want verbal abuse at me. X

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Lighthousegirl

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2018, 04:23:13 AM »
He's just walked in with his son. He's obviously in full flight of fantasy where he's constructed a scenario that he's the injured party. It's completely insane. It just doesn't end. All because I said I didn't want verbal abuse at me. X

It DOES end. It will end.
He is acting injured because you laid down a boundary, stood up for yourself and wont take his control and bullying  :yourock: 
And aren't begging him to come back.  That's a self inflicted injury, but he will blame you.

You can only focus on yourself and your children and minimising damage to your family.
There is peace ahead.
LG

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Funmum

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2018, 05:35:04 AM »
Thank you for that. It's very kind of you.
I just find it hard to see the bigger picture when I'm clinging on to my sanity with my bare fingers.
I have three wonderful, beautiful kids. Eldest is going to a top uni this year, a year early. Against all the odds got an acceptance. I just think this year after exams would be a perfect window to be moved in. After my eldest exams, then hopefully settled in somewhere before my younger son is having to do exams next year and settled for my daughters last year at primary school. If I knew it was definitely going to sell and I had a definite timescale to work with I know I could handle this so much better. I know I could bare it if I had an end date. The hurt was off the scale this weekend but it's just made me more determined that I have nothing to say to him and he has nothing to say to me that would in any way benefit me. He's all about him all the way.
Its all the uncertainties just now that are so stressful. Along with the Tasmanian devil storming through whenever he chooses.
I was really trying to look after me, to focus on exercise and eating well it it's like he just cripples me with his behaviour.
I know in his head he's done nothing wrong because if he Denys something which he absolutely will with this girl then it didn't happen. Even if they didn't sleep together this is a total betrayal. I've told him that I won't tolerate him using her against me again. He knows my feelings. He knows what that would mean to me. He's done what gives him pleasur. He's hurt me as much as he could. X

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Beachgirl

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Re: I was right. He went to be with her.
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2018, 03:53:32 PM »
I'm so sorry. That's hideous. Stay focused on a healthier future. Whatever you need to do to reach it for you and your little ones.
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
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