Eyes Opened

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Gardener

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Eyes Opened
« on: March 31, 2018, 09:55:38 AM »
This website has helped me so much in getting away from my PD husband.  We are separated after 30 years of marriage.  I had to do it when I saw the negative effect it was having on my DD.  I thought I could protect her and get in between the two of them all those years and somehow I could keep her from acting like him.  I saw some negative traits like anger outbursts but I thought she would outgrow them.  But now, I am not so sure.

My DD scares me.  She is brilliant - got an outstanding score on her ACT and almost perfect GPA.  But she scares me.  Over the last year I have come to realize she controls me almost as much as my ex did, but in different ways.  Her drama and passive aggressiveness and lying and manipulation only seem apparent to me.  I have covered for her so much out in public, that most people think she is charming and I am the stern person making sure things get done.  Yet, I wasn't stern before I had her.  I was carefree and fun when I was away from her dad - at work and with friends.  So, somehow my marriage to him worked for 15 years before I had her.

But once I had her, I became a different person.  Maybe because of the abuse (physical and emotional) I experienced as a child and knowing how strong willed her dad was, I became an over protective mama bear concerning her.  I tried working but when she was 3 yrs of age I quit my job to stay home with her.  It was during 911 and my ex was military and called up and we lived in a scary area of town and I couldn't cope with trying to work in a new location (recently just moved there before 911) and take care of my DD and a brand new house that I had to take care of physically.  There were break ins in our neighborhood and military flybys over our house 2x daily because we lived by a nuclear plant and oil reserve and gang violence in our town.  I pulled into myself and I didn't really come out until a few years ago.  How could that be possible?

I became attached to her in an unhealthy way.  Now, I don't know how to get free from her.  He is out of the house but she is trying to control it now and I am pushing back. It almost makes me physically sick to stand up to her.  I was hoping she'd go off to college somewhere this fall but I know she would freak out because of her sensory issues (loud noises and lots of people bother her until she is used to it).  So, she wants to attend the junior college in town and live at home for 2 more years until she transfers to a 4 yr college nearby (only 1 hour away).  I don't think I can take two more years of living with her.  My health can't.  I have tried to explain this to family and friends to a degree and they only see the sweet façade she presents to others. 

The breaking point was when I caught her kicking my 13 year old dog the other day that I got right before my mother died.  I love that dog.  It was my support during the years I cried in the middle of the night trying to stay same married to my ex and dealing with the processing disorder of my DD.  I know she goes through my things when I am out of the house.  I feel trapped. 

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momnthefog

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Re: Eyes Opened
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2018, 09:59:03 PM »
Gardener,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation with your DD.  It sounds like you have been through a lot with your H.

I hope that you will find some resources in the toolbox and support in this forum as you make the journey coming OOTF.

It is truely heartbreaking living with a child with a PD.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Gardener

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Re: Eyes Opened
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2018, 08:04:11 AM »
Thank you for your note.  It is comforting to know that someone listens and understands.  I have begun looking through the toolbox and it is very helpful.  I feel like I am finally finding some answers to so many questions.