Being held hostage in my home

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momnthefog

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Re: Being held hostage in my home
« Reply #20 on: May 07, 2018, 08:31:34 AM »
Update.....the T recommended he immediately go to live with father (my x).  I spoke with him that day and he refused saying that I was in a better place to effect change in almost-20-yo son.

This is why I'm divorced from him....never was wiling/able to step up to the table.  Why I expected differently is beyond me.

It's been several weeks.  There is basically a stalemate.  I was on travel last week.  There is limited to no communication between us.  No other out bursts.  No other property destruction.

I've heard from several family members:  the cat made the marks on the top of the chair (impossible b/c the ledge is only and inch wide and my one cat with nails doesn't go for wooden furniture she prefers to shred the sofa), mom's bf is being "mean" by ignoring him (duh....mom's bf was at the house and heard and saw all the drama and lost respect....and duh, mom isn't going to tell bf how to "feel" about someone), and (my personal favorite) I won the battle b/c I still have my knife (duh.....you lost more than you will ever understand and the fact that weeks later you still are more interested in "winning" speaks volumes about your ability to have relationship, apologize, empathize, recognize your part in relationship restoration).

I plan to have a conversation with him today.  I'm not sure where it's going to go, but I need to confront him about his behavior. 

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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SonofThunder

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Re: Being held hostage in my home
« Reply #21 on: May 07, 2018, 08:50:47 AM »
momnthefog,
So here are the steps I'd take:

1.  I would cut off the internet and say no more net in the house no matter who pays for it.
2.I'd give him 30 days to find a job and move out.
3. After that I'd transfer the phone to his name and he can pay it or have it cut off.
4. If the car is still in your name I'd sell it.
5. If he still hasn't moved out then next I would have the bedroom door removed and everything except a bed and a blanket removed from the room.

Dr Phil has a book on parenting I like. Here is a link: https://www.drphil.com/advice/parenting-through-change/
He advocates for "Commando Parenting" when thing get to the point you are at. That means developing the attitude of doing whatever it takes to get behavior change and have kids, grown or not, to start making better choices and taking responsibility for their own lives. Just my 2 cents.

 :yeahthat:
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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SonofThunder

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Re: Being held hostage in my home
« Reply #22 on: May 07, 2018, 09:01:36 AM »
Momnthefog,

So sorry you have to deal with this and fully understand your exaustion.  I agree with Coyote on the tough love.  It seems that although he is physically handicapped, that he is able to work.  Since he is an adult, my opinion is he should be treated like one and either move out to a place alone or find a roommate (but not go live with dad which is not what is best for your son as it does not help him develop as an adult).  It sounds as if he is quite mentally and socially capable and he can hold a job (albiet PT vs FT which would best for an adult). 

You mentioned ‘spring break’ so im assuming he is in college or has friends in college, therefore another reason to assume his mental and social capacities are ok and a further reason to have him move out of YOUR house and into one of his own. 

In a mentality of love, you can explain to him that you want what is best for him and ALSO for you both, as your relatiinship is strained with him living at home and you think it may improve greatly if he lived on his own and you two got together at times to catch up and socialize, like is normal for two adult family members. That puts a positive spin into the move-out requirement as well.

Best of luck and again, i side with Coyotes advice. 

SoT
« Last Edit: May 07, 2018, 09:03:31 AM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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chowder

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Re: Being held hostage in my home
« Reply #23 on: May 07, 2018, 10:40:04 AM »
Momnthefog,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  What a rollercoaster.  Some days you think he gets it, other days he demonstrates he does not.

As you know, I've been going through a situation with our daughter - and one option that I haven't seen mentioned in your posts, that was mentioned in ours, was perhaps getting a restraining order.  I know it may seem drastic, and we don't want to do that unless absolutely necessary, but that story with the knife and property damage is scary - especially since he's still in possession of the knife, and he could erupt with it at any moment.  The clock incident didn't seem to have anything that led up to it, rather it seemed random, with no logical explanation.

Praying for you....

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Free2Bme

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Re: Being held hostage in my home
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2018, 05:51:40 AM »
Mom, I have been off the forum for several months and couldn’t sleep so I logged. I am saddened to hear this update from back in April about your troubles with your son.  As in the past, you seem to have a good grip on the reality of ds situation but just need a plan of action.  I am enduring similar situation here w my 18yo son.  He spent majority of senior year in alternative school for starting conflict, then dropped out. He is reclusive, does not often engage with siblings or me, and began staying up during night gaming.  A year and half ago, I removed pocket knives due to his instability, he now regularly demands them back, claiming he is now stable.
  I was frightened to hear that your son did this to your chair and desk. I have looked into family law related to eviction in my state. It seems that it isn’t a simple process. In my state, there are tennant’s rights, squatters rights, and a 30 day notice of eviction procedure that must be followed.  I have contemplated setting him up in a econo apartment for maybe 3 months just to get him out from under my roof. However, this is expensive and I am going on the third year of divorcing my 4 children’s PD dad.  I’m a full time student, and gearing  up for a custody battle exNPDh will be launching to take younger kids from me.  Ex won’t help w his oldest (problem) son, just wants to use situation to make me look like unfit mother/home. I began unplugging WiFi router when I go to bed. Last night he came to my bedroom door and “politely “ asked me to turn back on bc he was on FaceTime w girlfriend. I believe this is a lie, but I said ok, this time, but in future it goes off when I go to bed. I imagine this will be a new battle ground for us.  Older sibling (college student) is wearing thin w brother, and I am sinking into depression.  You have been through so much with your family , I am sorry for you that you must endure once again.  I too am a believer and struggle with my faith in this situation.  I keep trying to love the unlovable, just as I believe that I am loved by God. But son seems to have renounced his faith and is given over, at least right now, to some ugly behaviors.  I constantly look for signs that he sees the grace I pour out on him, but It seems that he refuses to recognize all the good I do for him.  This is heartbreaking and feels like death to me.  I miss the son that he was before his depression. It’s like he got very sick and came out of it a deferent person.  The psychiatric nurse practitioner has suggested borderline Pd.  I will keep you in thought and prayer, update when you can.