How to be a better friend, and attract nonPD folks

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bonnieG

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How to be a better friend, and attract nonPD folks
« on: April 08, 2018, 05:11:04 PM »
Hi all,

I have been doing some soul searching and more journaling than before...and have come to the realization that my passive *participation*  in friendships has greatly contributed to HOW my relationships with people develop.

I typically don't pursue people, even if I want a closer friendship with them due to decades of FOO treatment,  I rarely text first or call, or email just to say Howdy.  I come across as rather aloof, standoffish or shy.
Inside -I feel that I matter very little.  That people won't want or need to hear from me.  This is something I am working hard to re-frame.  Daily.

I feel like they won't want to hear what I say, or my news isn't all that interesting to them, which I know isn't true!!  Knowing it mentally doesn't always translate into ME feeling it emotionally - or acting on it.
I tend to: hang back, hesitate and second guess myself.  I disbelieve compliments, especially the overly gushy ones.

I respond quickly and fully when someone expresses a NEED to me.  At that time, I feel like I can act, and BE a participant.  Until that happens, I tend to downplay people's interest in me.  This is one reason PD traited folks gravitate to me as a friend or acquaintance.  I am responsive to them, to a fault.  I have been working on this...and I have successfully weeded out several long term PD traited friends over the past year. 

I want to make myself LESS of a PD target in the future, at the same time making friends with NonPD folks.

I know I must take the risk of reaching out FIRST to reasonable and sincere people and take the chances that I have been conditioned to AVOID.  It's scary as heck to me!! 

Does anyone have any tips, aside from JUST DO IT.  lol

thanks,
Bonnie




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Coyote23

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Re: How to be a better friend, and attract nonPD folks
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2018, 12:08:29 PM »
I can relate to a lot of this. Right now Iím trying to make friends with myself and meet my own needs as much as possible, because I feel to depleted to be much of a friend. My advice is, when you make healthy friendships, they are usually way less dramatic and intense than relationships with PD folk. Learn to accept and even love this. Embrace the mundane, the reliable in others and yourself. Be consistent. Take it slow in getting to know. Donít overshare as a shortcut to intimacy (this is from Brene Brown) and let the oversharing of others be a red flag. Basically, turn it DOWN from eleven.:-) Spend some time on self care and work on the issues of feeling unworthy. By the way, I wrote this for the both of us!
Good luck, please update.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: How to be a better friend, and attract nonPD folks
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2018, 12:22:49 AM »
I think one key to not attracting, or not engaging with the pds that you do attract, is to make some rules and stick by them.

For me this means, don't jump into a new aquaintence situation with both feet and full steam ahead, and to see it as a red flag of the other person does.

Additionally it means, don't give too much info too fast and dont become inappropriately available to help, give advise, or or listen to a litany of problems.

If people open up to such an extent immediately it's a red flag.  If their time is unlimited and they have no other obligations or people in their life this is a red flag.

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Kieveen

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Re: How to be a better friend, and attract nonPD folks
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2018, 03:26:40 PM »
For me it feels like I'm moving in stages.  One stage that I recently went through is self healing but also self doubt, avoiding people and avoiding new experiences.  Then I started to really think and try to learn about creating healthy boundaries and healthy friendships. 

Now I'm at a stage where I am moving forward with friendships that are with emotionally healthy people who in the past were not a priority  my life, because the PD's were sucking up all my energy and time.  I've discovered even though I may have been distant the last few years these people are still in my life and are still willing to invite me and DH to do things with them, which feels good.
I've  also signed up for new activities to meet new people in my neighborhood.  So far I've met some really nice ladies and I plan on doing more neighborhood activities.

I think the key is not to force yourself, give yourself time to heal and reflect.  Even if you seem stand offish I think emotionally healthy friends will be patient.   Then when your ready, go to parties, do things with emotionally healthy friends  and co-workers.   If you need to meet new people sign up for a class or find activities going on in your neighborhood that your interested in.