Sensitivity to tone

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Dufresne

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Sensitivity to tone
« on: April 17, 2018, 04:11:11 PM »
Just a quick one that crops up every once in a while. My uPDW is hyper-sensitive to tone of voice (mine in particular). Yesterday morning, everyone is minding their own business, getting ready for the day, and she opens the fridge and sees that some things have been put away in a manner that displeases her. She does not build up to the tone she took in addressing the issue. It is aggressive and haughty right out of the gate. There was absolutely no “Hey, can I show you something in the fridge ….?” So, she starts the bemoaning, and as I’m walking over I say “what?” in a tone of exasperation ( i.e. “what is it this time, your highness?”) Well she immediately switches gears from the fridge to my apparently contemptible tone. I immediately push back (JADE, I know ….) with something like “well, listen to you …” No. Absolutely not. She does no wrong. I’m expected to focus only on the content of what she’s saying, yet she is completely free to ignore the content of what I’m saying. It didn’t result in any sustained verbal assault. Just a middle finger as she walked out the door. If they only listened to themselves as closely as they claim to listen to us…..
“I’m responsible only for what I say, not what you understand.” ~John Wayne

"A man may fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins blaming someone else." ~John Burroughs

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Whiteheron

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2018, 08:50:08 AM »
 :yeahthat:
I agree 100%. I can't tell you how many times I got "in trouble" for my alleged tone, while he was free to speak to me in any manner he chose and I was not to get upset.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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DancingRain

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2018, 11:39:46 AM »
Yes, yes, yes!  Double standard for sure.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2018, 11:14:23 AM »
 :yeahthat:

So frustrating and mind bending.

AOD

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blacksheep7

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2018, 04:05:06 PM »
That tone!

We were brought up in "that tone" aggressive or cynical but we are not allowed to speak in "that tone" as Adults.  :doh:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2018, 07:14:49 PM »
My tone of voice, my facial expression, my mannerisms, any word that I speak...the very fact that I exist...

All proof that my pds' splitting me permanently black is justified.

AOD

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redfish

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2018, 08:16:33 AM »
:yeahthat:
I agree 100%. I can't tell you how many times I got "in trouble" for my alleged tone, while he was free to speak to me in any manner he chose and I was not to get upset.
Yep. This^
So frustrating. We really are supposed to respond like Siri or Alexa I suppose!
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Whiteheron

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2018, 09:24:35 AM »
My tone of voice, my facial expression, my mannerisms, any word that I speak...the very fact that I exist...

All proof that my pds' splitting me permanently black is justified.

AOD

Yes! Also the look on my face. stbx constantly accused me of having "a look" that he assumed was directed towards him. SO many fights started with "what's that look for?!?!?!" when I wasn't even looking at (or thinking of - gasp!) him.
Combine "the look" with "my tone" and oh my, watch out!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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DancingRain

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2018, 12:20:38 PM »
My tone of voice, my facial expression, my mannerisms, any word that I speak...the very fact that I exist...

All proof that my pds' splitting me permanently black is justified.

AOD

Yes! Also the look on my face. stbx constantly accused me of having "a look" that he assumed was directed towards him. SO many fights started with "what's that look for?!?!?!" when I wasn't even looking at (or thinking of - gasp!) him.
Combine "the look" with "my tone" and oh my, watch out!

Yes!  I started to monitor my facial expressions and tone, just so as not to accidentally offend.  Exhausting!

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Julian R

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2018, 09:44:38 AM »
I am new around here.  This kind of thing happens often with my uDPw also.

If ever I dare to suggest her tone is out of order - expressing irritation, bitterness, anger - she goes into denial - it is always me who is misinterpreting or over sensitive

But wow -  when I use anything remotely resembling exasperation, irritation, frustration - well , I get accused of being aggressive etc.

Kind of glad I am not alone ... but what to do?

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Frazzled

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2018, 04:04:32 PM »
My uBPD ex-"friend" also said my voice was grating on his ears. My husband and family had no issues with my voice.

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Cascade

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2018, 03:45:27 AM »
Yes! This is the first complaint I remember my husband bringing up when we were newly married. It's something so subtle I don't even notice when I have "that" tone.

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learningtocope

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2018, 05:39:58 AM »
I was constantly criticized for this. As he was also accusing me for things I didn't do or complaining about me about so many things. This is why we walk on eggshells and cannot be ourselves. They nit pick at us because they have no tolerance, they don't know how to deal with their own feelings or emotions. Healthy people know how to regulate themselves -not try to manipulate or control everyone or the environment.

walking on eggshells is part of the psychological/emotional abuse and part of the conditioning. As in - you behave how I want you to and I'll be nice. They make "you" the problem. The true problem is they are very inconsistent, unstable emotionally... you are never going to know how they are going to react even if you try to be consistent.

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11JB68

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2018, 05:53:04 PM »
So familiar. He can bark and give 'the look'...but I'm shrill, or I come 'flying into the room' (usually if I say anything, it starts with....ummm...honey...). Double standards in lots of stuff. So frustrating.

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Frazzled

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2018, 11:16:35 PM »
walking on eggshells is part of the psychological/emotional abuse and part of the conditioning. As in - you behave how I want you to and I'll be nice. They make "you" the problem. The true problem is they are very inconsistent, unstable emotionally... you are never going to know how they are going to react even if you try to be consistent.

Indeed. Having my uBPD ex-"friend" as a roommate was like a minefield.

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SE7

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Re: Sensitivity to tone
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2018, 02:10:55 AM »
Oh yeah, love those double standards. They can give all the tone & rage they please, but if I do it? Oh that's a mortal sin. Throughout my life I've learned that all communication with my BPDm is based on TONE. Because she can't be direct and thinks everyone is a mind reader. My new way of dealing with her is to call her out on her inferences based strictly on tone. It's become a sort of fun game! I enjoy throwing a good 'gotcha' her way in response to her myriad of implications with her tone, lol.