PD mother moving close to me

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree with LightOrb - you resisted, promised her nothing and restated your boundaries.  I'd call that a SUCCESS!   

I was also chuckling at "mistake - referring to reality."  Yes, I remember those days FAR too well!   

If you need to, copy and paste the section on Medium Chill to your computer, laptop or tablet and have it open, in front of you, before you call.   

I wrote down MC phrases and walked around the house practicing them, so they sounded natural.  I'm surprised our cats don't think I'm nuts.  (They very well may, but know who feeds them.   )  I never thought I could successfully MC unBPD Didi, but once I did and it worked - I kept at it and got *much* more comfortable with it. 

I needed those phrases in front of my face when I'd call Didi, too - they were my crutch, for a while - and there's no shame in using a crutch. 

On that MC page, leave yourself a big, bold reminder: 

NO JADE

NO EMOTIONS

"NO" is a complete sentence.   

If you were upset during this call, chances are getting angry is coming sooner than later - once they make you angry, MC/Grey Rock become *really* easy - because you just don't *care* how she feels, since she obviously doesn't care about you.

I'd consider this call a "practice run" and an experiment, rolled into one:  the experiment was JADE, and realizing she doesn't live in reality as you or I know it, so MC/GR is all you have left to work with.

I used to occasionally JADE, just to remind myself unBPD Didi and unNPD really did have all the problems I thought they had, and I wasn't crazy.  I'd call those situations "controlled experiments"  - the JADE wouldn't be too damaging to me, and I was only doing it to see what I'd get back.

I felt more like an anthropologist than a daughter, talking to her disordered parents, but those experiments reinforced *it wasn't me.*   

Here's a couple for, "You haven't lost a husband.  You can get over it.  I'm old."

Try:  What an interesting observation - it changes nothing.  I'm not getting involved in your move.
       
         That sounds like something you'd say - and it changes nothing.  I'm not getting involved in your move.

If she repeats it, state, "I heard you the first time, it changes nothing, and if you're just going to repeat things you've already said, I'm hanging up" - and do just that, if she does.

If you run into situations where you're not sure HOW to MC her, run it by the forum and I'm sure you'll get  a custom MC response, tailored to the situation.

We do aim to please!   

Keep at it!  It gets easier once you realize, "Oh my God - you mean that WORKED!?"   

Rome was not built in a day - you're going against programming that was installed in you since you were very small, and it feels WRONG - but it *isn't.*

You've GOT this, Lillith!

[Lillith65]

It means so much to me to be understood and to be reminded of the tools to recovery.

I guess you all know how it feels to be around people who know what elderly PD parents are like and not to be confronted with incomprehension and that horrible statement 'But she's your mother!'

You also know how difficult it is to explain the history and the dynamics of your relationship.

Reading all of your posts is exactly what I need and this morning I had an epiphany:

I don't want to be around people who hurt me

It really is that simple.

[Spring Butterfly]

You did great! Huge leaps ahead where you were and definitely as Woman Interrupted said your feeling anger is coming sooner. This getting in touch with anger sooner, at lower levels, is good. Learning to respond to your emotions at lower levels is awesome.

"You also know how difficult it is to explain the history and the dynamics of your relationship."  The beauty of this forum is that no explanation is needed, none. We all know and understand even if the specific details are different the general dynamic runs the same pattern.

be gene.with yourself. You're doing great.

[daughter]

Your mother will respond with anger and hostility when you don't comply to her expectations and demands.  Expect this response.  But facing this response means you're actually maintaining your boundaries, responding to your own needs, and refusing to comply to her emotional blackmail.  It may get loud, but you're making lots of progress.

[stasia]

Lilith, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It all sounded very familiar. It is awful to be so invalidated by your M, all the dismissal of your problems simply because you are not old and your partner's not dead.

My M did that all the time before I went NC. The first time I ever got the nerve to hang up on her was the day she told me that my life isn't real and that my problems are not real problems. "Put 30 years on you and see how you do with that!" was said to me, often. I was often told that I can't possibly understand what she's going through, and that someday I'll be old and my partner will be dead and no one will want to have anything to do with me, and then, maybe THEN, I will understand in some small way how much pain she's in all the time.

I have mental health issues of my own, which is why I ended up going NC, and I know I can never explain to her why I went NC because she thinks that because I am only in my 40s, I can't possibly have any needs, and that I shouldn't have to take care of my health. It is maddening.

For the record, I think you did really well! We are all going to make mistakes as we learn how to deal with our PD parents, and how to protect ourselves.

[Lillith65]

Stasia,
They really do have the same playbook don't they?
I am on the verge of NC for similar reasons to yours and many others on this forum.

[LeeJane]

Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing, it is uncannily similar to my uPD mum. 

She made suicide threats too.  Often.  Yet when her sister, my aunt, took an overdose trying to kill herself, my mum was furious.  Saying how selfish it was of her sister as she had kids. 

Eventually I went NC, it got to where there was no other way.  An enormous relief to me. 

Final straw being her trying to push my husband over!    

Please protect yourself from this stress.

[Lillith65]

It is uncanny isn't it?

I am so sorry that you have endured this too.

I was relieved when my uNPDF died - he could be so horrible  - inbetween the nice periods when he was getting his own way.

I think NC is the only answer for me now.

[Lillith65]

My uPDM's moving date was yesterday. I spent the weekend and yesterday wondering how it was going and whether my mother was OK.

I was also anxious that a member of my extended family would get in touch to pull me back in, but the distance between my immediate family (uPDM, uBPDS) and the extended family has made this less likely.

It is so strange to think that I have no way of finding out where she is or how things went and to think that I am not going to make my usual phonecall or see my uBPDS.

So my uPDM did get control back with her horrible phonecall on Thursday. I feel ambivalent about the NC: it is a relief, but I also feel abandoned and excluded. The latter feeling is because I still have fantasies about how it could be.

[Lillith65]

Feeling very sad today.

Lots of other reasons, but my FOO's behaviour is at the root of it all.

[Sun]

I am not surprised you feel sad (hugs) This move must spin you into emotional flashbacks. Are you at work? Today is a good day for some self-care.

[Frazzled]

At one point my uBPD ex-friend returned to his home state at the behest of his family, my MIL said he was moving somewhere closer to me some time after we got him out of our home. I don't know if he really did move closer to us, or was just saying it for attention. I never crossed paths with him again after he left.

[Lillith65]

I am not surprised you feel sad (hugs) This move must spin you into emotional flashbacks. Are you at work? Today is a good day for some self-care.

Flashbacks and a sense of dread. I felt 5 years old again.

No contact feels like a reprieve - although it is also sad because I know that things will never change.

[Lillith65]

At one point my uBPD ex-friend returned to his home state at the behest of his family, my MIL said he was moving somewhere closer to me some time after we got him out of our home. I don't know if he really did move closer to us, or was just saying it for attention. I never crossed paths with him again after he left.

I have no idea whether my mother has moved or not. I don't really want to know. Its bad enough that my sister and her family live in a town that I often visit.

They have no idea what effect they have on other people.

[Frazzled]

At one point my uBPD ex-friend returned to his home state at the behest of his family, my MIL said he was moving somewhere closer to me some time after we got him out of our home. I don't know if he really did move closer to us, or was just saying it for attention. I never crossed paths with him again after he left.

I have no idea whether my mother has moved or not. I don't really want to know. Its bad enough that my sister and her family live in a town that I often visit.

They have no idea what effect they have on other people.

They probably also don't care.

[Lillith65]

Fantastic article on this site: https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/trauma-bonding

It argues that no contact is the only solution to dealing abusive parents. It is also very positive about those of us who have survived (and even thrived) abusive parents. The articla labels them as psychopathic, but I think it applies to many PDs too.

[blacksheep7]

Lilith65, thank you for the article!   I read everything I can on the subject even though I am read Pete Walker's book.

[Happypants]

Lilleth65 - is there a reason that your sister cant learn to drive?  Surely she can invest some time and effort to support your mother 

[Lillith65]

Lilleth65 - is there a reason that your sister cant learn to drive?  Surely she can invest some time and effort to support your mother 

I suspect it is because then she would be expected to do things that she doesn't want to do. But let's not say that outloud 

[Orangeblossom77]

Hi Lilith, just read all of this and think you are doing great, sounds really hard. My PD / En father tried this, moved close by into sheltered housing but after a while when he realised I wasn't going to look after him, he moved away again, this time closer to my brother. You never know yours might too! PS I know that sinking feeling when they do this, it feels like you have no choice. Mine turned up with nothing and to start with I got him a flannel and toothbrush! But when he needed to cope alone he moved away. Kind thoughts.