How do i finally end it

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Catherinelaura

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How do i finally end it
« on: May 08, 2018, 07:59:08 PM »
I left my husband in march.  I asked for a separation because i was very unhappy with how he was treating me.  We'd been together 20 years have a 9 year old and an 11 year old.  I was constantly being picked on and at the mercy of his temper, i couldnt talk to him about the issues in my life.  My mother has dementia and i look after her one day a week.  My eldest son has autism and he was dealing with social problems in school.  Everything came to crunch between school and my mother and i had a bit of an emotional breakdown, so i started running to deal with it.  It did me a lot of good and the time running i thought about my marriage and how sick i was of feeling trapped and i was a bit frightened of how he would react when i told him i wanted to leave him.  He even picked on me about my running calling me selfish and other things.
I made plans over 6 weeks and also made it very obvious that i wasnt happy  so that it wouldnt be a bolt out of the blue when i told him.  On the last week i was worried and decided i was going to leave a note as i didnt know how he would react.  He phoned me that week and asked me if i wanted to be with him.  I said no and explained why, and that even though he says he loves me he has never shown me any respect or cared about my feelings.  He said if i was adamant then he would move out.  So i didnt leave.  He then stayed and spent 2 weeks trying to disuade me from leaving and then refused to leave.  I explained i needed time and space to see if i was happier with him or without him.  In the end i moved in with my parents and we now share custody of the children, he is allowing me to dictate the terms of shared custody because he is playing nice. 
Hes convinced that im depressed and that he is not the real cause of my unhappyness, hes telling people that ive left but its because i am depressed.  He keeps saying to me that there must be another issue as we were apparently so happy together and that we have had some wonderful times. 

  He has been constantly pushing for a reconciliation and has said he knows what he needs to do to fix things, that hes seen the light and will do all he can to put me first hes constantly cleaning the house now (its like ocd) ,he used to call me a lazy pig while not doing anything to help around the house or help look after the children i was as good as a single mother who had to walk on eggshells around him.  He's kept pushing me for contact and wont let up until i agree to spend the weekends with him hes really pushy.  The last few weekends ive spent with him hes really attentive and loving cant do enough for me and its been really confusing for me as ive been pretty love starved.  I pushed back this weekend, refused to go over until sunday.  He texted and phoned me a lot, he was very unhappy that i wouldnt be spending friday and saturday with him saying things like "im going to be alone with nothing to do"  texted me again saturday evening asking me to bring the kids to stay over.  I refused then went over as agreed on sunday morning.  He gave me the cold shoulder, ignored me then muttered to himself when he thought i was out of earshot that i was a "lazy cunt".  I sat there and cried , he didnt notice he was too busy cleanong up.  We went to our allotment as we had agreed to and i worked on putting together the greenhouse as i said i would then half an hour later he acted as if everything is ok and couldnt understand why i was upset with him.  He denied several times that he called me a lazy cunt and then said "im only human im trying, im going to mess up sometimes".  I told him i was tired of everything hed put me through, hes ruined every christmas day without fail with his drunken bullying.  The school phoned social services because my eldest son told the educational psychologist that his dad likes to drink a lot and swears at him but dont say anything because ge didnt want to get him into trouble, he got so upset they had to end his appointment because he was near hysterical.
I feel like my husband is trying to suck me back in and i dont know how to make steps to get away, after his outburst i dont think he can change ive been kidding myself.  Any advice or guidance would really be helpful

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Spygirl

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2018, 09:04:41 PM »
Hi,

I am a little bit ahead of you, by 2 months. I am so happy for you getting out of the same house so you and your children can get some rest, calm. My H has been similar in many ways to yours. I KNOW it's not going to change in my case. Seems the people before me here have all passed through these same gates of clarity and perspective as time goes on. Are you journaling? I wish I had started sooner. It is remarkable to look back at what was happening to me, even as I was not in the same home. How  was i tolerating that treatment? The love and affection, and the emotions you feel when you receive it, are a ploy, and will only last until you are back under his control again. Then you will be in the place you left before. You need more time away, to clear your head. Please take it. You have suffered so much. A psychologist asked me a question bluntly 2 weeks ago, I offer it to you, as I know my answer now.
"Why would you WANT to stay in an abusive marriage?"



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Locked_out

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2018, 01:54:28 AM »
Wow. Your situation is a familiar one. I send you strength and support during a very difficult time.

I can’t say what will work best for your circumstances, only my own experience so you know you are not alone. My stbxh had the same “epiphany” when I asked for a trial separation. I just needed space for a little while. Things had rapidly deteriorated for the better part of a year and then started to explode at a dangerous level—the rages were becoming more frequent, more violent, and set off by smaller and smaller triggers. Things reached a head when I started setting and enforcing concrete boundaries. Every time I did, there was immediate pushback from him. If I told him a behavior was unacceptable, he would immediately do said behavior and even amplify it to really rub it in.

There was a clearly defined and communicated last straw for me, which he immediately pushed me to. So, I asked for a separation. He agreed, but only until he realized I was serious. Then he had an “epiphany” and did the whole nice guy, helpful husband act. Told me everything (he thought) I wanted to hear.

Luckily it only lasted a week or so, because it was kind of annoying. It was obviously an act and was so forced and fake. But also, it only served to reinforce how obsolete he had made himself by consistently getting to lower my standards for him over the years. He just got in the way, made more work for me because he didn’t know where anything was or where things belonged.

He even went to a couple anger management sessions and one therapy session. I was expected to forget everything because some therapist he met with once assured him that “he wouldn’t get worse” (i.e. more violent). The anger management sessions made him come home and acknowledge that his behavior in the home was “abusive,” which I thought was an incredible first step.

But when all of these things did not make me instantly change my mind, I saw through the whole act. None of his actions were genuine. If they were, he would have done them voluntarily when I asked him all those times over the years. Only when there were REAL consequences did he feel it necessary to take action. That was a very hurtful realization. He didn’t care when it was important to me. Only when he stood to lose something (me as his prisoner and slave).

It was a rough road in the beginning and still is. I got there by setting and enforcing boundaries and after that, everything started to become so much clearer. He didn’t respect me as a person or as a wife. He didn’t care what was important to me or what I wanted. None of that mattered to him.

All I asked for was a trial separation. Some space. And now, I am halfway through a divorce. And ultimately, he is the one that got us to this point, because he could not grant me that.

Something I found immensely helpful during those early months was a section in Lundy Bancroft’s oft-discussed book called “Why He Won’t Let You Take a Break.” I read this section over and over again. If you haven’t read it, it might be useful for you during this time. The whole book was helpful, of course, but that section really resonated with me when I was just trying to get a little bit of space to gain some perspective.

Many of us have been there. Again, I wish you strength, clarity, and support.

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mdana

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2018, 04:24:49 AM »
Hum...

I would say that if you are really serious about ending the toxic marriage you are in, then make that decision, stick to it, AND don't let anyone talk you out of it.  You already know who he is--- you have 20 years of solid proof! If he hasn't changed by now, he never will. 

It sounds like your eldest son is reaching a breaking point, btw. He doesn't have a choice, however (he's too young to leave).  He stays if you stay. 

Make a decision and don't look back. Find a good therapist (if you can afford it), a support group of woman that are recovering from trauma/abuse, and plan your way out.  Do it for you. Do it for your children. Don't look back. You can process the details later, but my advise is --- looking back at "what he said" "what if... he can change" "he promised" --- is only spinning around in circles.  20 years! You have 20 years of experience.  You know who he is. 


XOXOXO
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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notrightinthehead

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2018, 04:33:27 AM »
Catherinelaura you got wonderful replies already. In addition: if you look at his behaviour now: do you think he shows you respect by badgering you to spend weekends with him? What happens when he does not get his will? Does he respect your will? You already heard him muttering insults again. They put you into a tailspin of sadness that you started to cry. After only a few hours spent with him. Do you trust him to really want to change?
Have you read the TOOLBOX? Do you have emotional support?  A therapist?

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2018, 01:24:27 PM »
I'm 9 months out and the first few months he was all gentle, and "are you sure this is what you want?", Mr I Can Be Awesome now, just let me show you.

But I knew better.  Plus he cheated...that aside, I had also spent 20 years handling his mood and the minute the kids and I were free of that the house just felt air again.

I was never going to let him come back.  I know, I KNOW, that in 2, 5, 10 years I would be so angry and sad that I hadn't had the gumption to stick with what was going to be the best decision of our lives.

YOU DECIDE how your life plays out.  Stay apart, or reconcile, those are your decisions.  Don't let him hoover without proving he has had comprehensive therapy and whatever else to repair this damage.

For me, I no longer loved him and therefore I was over and out.

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DancingRain

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2018, 01:28:46 PM »
I agree that he is disrespecting you and what you have asked for by badgering for you to spend weekends with him.  It's like I tell my children, "You may ask your sibling or friend for X, but if the answer is no, you need to accept it graciously and move on.  I will not tolerate whining and badgering.  That shows a lack of respect."  That is exactly what he is doing.  The name calling isn't good either. 

I initiated a separation from npdh about a month ago.  I am receiving some the things that you are right now.  I am in the "epiphany" stage right now.  He is saying some things that sound good, but in reality they are still off.  He still isn't admitting or apologizing.  It's very subtle, and I have to listen for it, but he is blaming me.  I wonder what his response will be when I continue to not give in. 

It's sad, and it's exhausting, but we have to always be on our guard.  They tear down our boundaries, and we don't even realize it.  If your h is anything like me, he can sound so reasonable and convincing.  Before I know it, I am right back to where I didn't want to be .

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cant turn back

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2018, 11:52:17 PM »
 :yeahthat:
Lots of great insight and advice above.

I’ve been out of the house for five months.  STBXH refused to move out of our home of 20 years (I believe he thought no way I would ever leave, I called his bluff).  After I told him I wanted a divorce we proceeded to live together, as per usual, for more than a year, though it was an intense and awful time of him hovering (lots of cleaning and laundry and grocery shopping) alternated with DARVO... him desperately trying to find the formula to make me change my mind..  Over time I gathered my strength, perfected my gray rock, dismissed the eggshells that ruled my life for 30 years, I was not swayed by his bullying and threats (threats of my how my life would be awful and how I was ruining our DD14’s life).  I think it only became REAL for him when I requested a court date and signed a lease for on a new place to live.  Then it got worse because he realized he was truly losing control.  Now, we don’t speak, everything going though our attorneys, DD14 goes one week with him then one week with me.  The peacefulness and lack of daily drama in my life is wonderful.  There is still drama with him but it’s not in my face in my home in the pit of my stomach every single day.  Pushing forward with my lawyer and with the Court was the best thing I did (even if it took me more than a year to gather the strength to do it).  My STBXH tried to get me to ‘work it out’ with him, make agreements, etc.  I recognized I would have been further bullied and nothing would have been accomplished, esp as his end game was for us to not divorce.  Calling his bluff and having support and backbone of an attorney to support me has been a lifesaver.  None of STBXH’s threats have cometo fruition.  He is the KING of all bark no bite.  But it did work for him for 30 years, so... yeh... Now he is steadfast with his ‘good guy’ mask, Father of the Year, for DD14, he realizes she is the only thing he has left, and, she is the only thing that really matters to me... so he is going to play that card endlessly.  Truly vomit inducing compared to how involved he was for the first 13 years of her life.

If your husband truly cared about your feelings he would not be uttering under his breath such awful words, purposefully within your earshot, gaslighting you.  He would not be pressuring you to spend time with him when you say you need time apart.  It sounds like it’s all about HIM, what he wants, him resuming control of you, disrespecting you and your stated feelings.

Locked Out, this:
None of his actions were genuine. If they were, he would have done them voluntarily when I asked him all those times over the years. Only when there were REAL consequences did he feel it necessary to take action. That was a very hurtful realization. He didn’t care when it was important to me. Only when he stood to lose something (me as his prisoner and slave).

YES!! This really resonated with me. I was never allowed to have something wrong or a problem or a concern... tables would always turn and my problem would be morphed into a problem he had and why I was wrong.  I became conditioned to not share with him.  And this seemed fine with him, the fewer issues I had, allowed him to be the center of attention with whatever ailments or upsets he had, me forever trying to find a way to make him happy.  But, as you said, when the straw broke the camels back and my feelings and statements were truly (and majorly) going to impact him, well, then he’s all about change and listening and therapy.... until the next day when I once again was a horrible person in the bulls eye of his DARVO attack. 

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lifeline

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2018, 12:46:23 PM »
I remember years ago thinking, how do I end this... I tried talking.  I tried being firm and direct.  "I don't love you anymore, you don't love me, and this is not going anywhere, I want to break up"  It never worked...  Unfortunately you aren't dealing with someone normal, so normal respectful and communicative methods of breaking up are not applicable here.

Here's my advice to the subject line question:  Reduce contact.  Go gray rock.  One word answers to his texts/ questions and only when it's necessary (i.e. involves the kids/ parenting time/ visitation).

Do you have an attorney?  Push the go button.  Start the process of divorce.  Do NOT SAY A WORD to him about it.  The thing is, if you tell him Ok I'm starting this process, it gives him the impression he can talk about it at you.  AT you, not TO you. 

The less you say, the less you respond, the easier this will be on you, and even with that, he's not going to let it be easy.

If your relationship has a history of high conflict or worse, violence, PUT A SAFE PLAN IN PLACE.  Talk to the local DV services about what to do, if you should have authorities on notice the day he's served divorce papers, that type of thing.  Are you staying with family or friends, have other adults around as often as possible if he's known to get drunk and become belligerent.

I physically removed myself abruptly.  That was my best move.  I weaned the communication, I slowly gave him less and less of my attention while he alternated between pleading and berating me for leaving. 

The thing is, you know him better than any of us do.  Make sure your safe.  But make steps toward the goal you want to achieve, silently if need be.

Wishing you strength and love and peace. :bighug:
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Beachgirl

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2018, 03:50:02 AM »
I have one of this type. Same roller coaster, same names called, mine periodically throws things and hits. It can get worse the more control they feel they're losing. If he wants to fix himself and get help, then you can decide on your own terms if things have improved. It doesn't have to end the marriage to move your family to safety and only see him for visitation. It might take time and planning to go LC but there are so many good books and the toolbox on the website. It helps to keep posting, even if you don't feel like you can really leave right now. Still need boundaries to be reinforced for you and your kids. Ive been reading Lundy and a couple of others and they say when you're not clear on your boundaries with a separation, the PD only sees black and white, so they might consider you still together, even in 2 homes. Explains my last move out... Lots of research to build your strength. Hugs! :bighug:
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 03:55:41 AM by Beachgirl »
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
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Alexa

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2018, 01:06:24 AM »
Out of the FOG is the perfect name for this site.  At least I think so.  It perfectly describes how I'm feeling after living with what I believe to be an anti social personality for 18 years.  For many many years I've known things were 'off' with him, but there have been family deaths (and exhausting drama by a BPD sister) and bully filled work issues to deal with that have distracted me from really acknowledging that this guy is off. 

He lives in my apartment but has objected to paying his full share of the expenses, claiming he doesn't have the money.  Yet over the years he's bought himself a used car (behind my back) and numerous electronic toys to go along with his music hobby (yet I've never heard him play), not to mention all the gadgets for his computer.  He's never taken me for a ride in his BMW, ever.  He refuses to tell me I look nice before we've gone out, which has been rare, won't do the grocery shopping because he doesn't like crowds, doesn't want to eat at the dinner table, or have one for that matter.  No socializing with friends, he doesn't want them, at least not with me present, and I can't have my friends over cause he doesn't want people in the apartment.  And I'm embarrassed to have people over cause he's a slob.  He doesn't want to leave the apartment with me in the morning saying it is "my time".  He has talked about the other women he's met, yet will only offer me pecks on the lips.  Over the past year or so he's taken to pleasuring himself in the middle of the night, with me in the bed.  When I've objected, he's either yelled at me saying "that's disgusting", or questioned my perception.  It goes on and on. 

I have a good job, a bank account, my head is intact, but my heart has taken a beating around all of the neglect and denial of my experience.  Arguments typically get turned around to be about him.  So much manipulation, so much deception.   At the end of the day, I think he's been using me for money (yet relatively speaking, I'm not the place to look for that).

I've asked him 3 times to leave my apartment since January of this year, and he's refused saying he wants us to move to a larger place instead. 

My issue is how to get him out? 

What do you think?     

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Medowynd

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2018, 07:03:22 AM »
If the lease is in your name, you can take legal steps to evict him.  Another choice, not as popular, is to move out and get your own place.  You sign the lease and he can't move with you.  I have to say, that after reading your description of him, he definitely adds nothing of value to your life. 

If he is on the lease, you can still give your notice towards the end of the lease and that leaves him renewing the lease and paying rent on his own or finding himself his own place.

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Alexa

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2018, 01:44:53 PM »
The lease is in my name, so looking to evict him could work.  I'm considering getting a lawyer as I may need a restraining order, or at least a peace bond, at some point.  Last night he asserted that 'this is my home', so I don't think this will be easy.  Will need to muster all types of resources to get him out of my apartment and out of my life.   

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Medowynd

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2018, 10:23:41 PM »
I would also check to the apartment management’s rules on someone living in the apartment and not on the lease.

Be careful, he sounds like the kind of person that might run to the leasing office to get his name on the lease.

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Alexa

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2018, 01:13:42 AM »
Oh dear, that sounds scary.  That would take violating my wishes to a whole other level.  Thanks for your insight on this.  I'll certainly keep it in mind as I move forward.

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Medowynd

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2018, 04:59:29 AM »
I try to think of every trick a narc might try to play.  I have been pretty successful when dealing with them. 

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learningtocope

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #16 on: May 21, 2018, 04:43:32 AM »
I know it is hard... but take a moment to think who is taking care of you? If something were to happen you what will happen to your children? You must put yourself first if you love your children, so you can care for them. Your husband is not getting better and he will not stop pressuring you. In the years that we are with a disordered person, the chaos and drama in our lives with them are normalized. The anxious rollercoaster is what what they do to us. You may need to distance yourself (I call it detox) so you can think clearly about what is best for you and how you feel.

good luck

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Alexa

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Re: How do i finally end it
« Reply #17 on: May 26, 2018, 06:45:16 PM »
Thank-you for all of your wise words and insights around how to deal with a personality disordered partner.  I continue to walk through my dark tunnel.  Since I last wrote, I saw a lawyer, who gave me good information about where I stand under the law when it comes to asking someone to leave your home.  From there I took the advice I was given and did so last Monday.  At first he said okay, he'd leave my apartment, then the next day he said all sorts of other things like, 'let's not throw the baby out with the bath water.', 'I'll go to counselling.' 'You're the love of my life.' (which was a surprise to me), and a whole lot of other statements that indicated he didn't want to go but to 'work' on the relationship.  It sounded good, but I have to say my heart remains closed.  I'm not sure if he's actually telling the truth or simply fighting for his own best interests.  I've been thinking about all this over the past week, and I think my bottom line is I want to live on my own.  I'm 58 now and just want to be surrounded by the things and people I love and to have some peace and quiet.  All his BS over the years has turned me right off to any anything at this point.  I so appreciate all the help that's been shared.  It's helping me to find my way Out of the FOG.