Daughter newly diagnosed *TW* mentions self harm & suicidal thoughts

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Cookie72

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I havenít posted here much, I joined because Iíve just emerged from 27 years with an abusive husband who I believe to be a narcissist.  Now my daughter has been diagnosed with emotionally unstable mood borderline personality disorder (what a mouthful).  She is legally an adult, but hasnít coped with leaving home.  I actually think she hasnít coped with leaving her dad.  Sheís gone into serious crisis 3 times in 18 months.  Two times within 2-3 months of leaving home, the last time (now) within 2-3 months of me leaving her dad.  Her CPN thinks sheís used to him controlling her so much that she struggles on her own.  Iím not a control freak, so although sheís living with me, I donít force rules on her like he did.

Her current crisis has involved severe self harm with A&E visits on average twice a week since late March, and sheís also attempted suicide twice, and reported feeling suicidal on several other occasions.  Both her previous crisis points culminated in suicide attempts too.

Itís exhausting, and Iím in this cycle now of waiting for the next A&E visit.  We havenít been to the hospital since May 7th (Monday) so Iím mentally preparing for the next one. 

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xredshoesx

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i'm so so sorry.  it must seem like being in a war zone daily, with your daughter being at war with herself.   is there any way the agencies helping your daughter can get some help for you too?  so little attention is given to caretakers who are undergoing constant stress of seeing a child in crisis constantly.  i'm glad you are reaching out here but i am concerned that no one is got your back IRL.   i wish i could offer more but my experience is more with my uPD mom.

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Cookie72

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I’ve had a carers assessment, they keep asking what support I’m getting but it’s impossible to access support groups right now as I am so intensively supporting her.  We were at A&E last night again for self harm, I got 5 hours sleep.  On the plus side, it was 10 days since our last hospital visit, and she’s not actively suicidal at the moment, but it’s so draining.  My bag is permanently hospital ready, with a book, bottle of water, phone charger and snacks. 

I do have support from my brother and a few good friends, but there’s only so much they can do, most of the daily care and protection falls to me.  I have 3 other children, all teens, and I barely have time for them.  My daughters work experience was sorted out by school because I didn’t manage to do it, and I just found out yesterday that it fell through, they are trying to resolve it, trying to do things for me, and I feel so inadequate as a parent, I feel I’m failing my other children.  I take all the help I’m offered, I’m not proud, I’m desperate, I know I’m not doing everything I should be.  I hope things will calm down soon because it’s exhausting.  I have a business to run too and I feel like I’m dropping balls all the time, in every way.  The house isn’t clean, our diet involves too much pizza and not enough vegetables, and above all, I need sleep. 
« Last Edit: May 18, 2018, 06:33:03 AM by Cookie72 »

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notrightinthehead

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Cookie72, you are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. Keep telling yourself that when you start feeling inadequat again. Stop that harsh voice in your brain and tell yourself you are doing the best you can. Being critical of yourself in such a situation is not helpful.
Any chance you can get therapy for your daughter? Will they keep her in the hospital for a few days if she is suicidal? Can you find a support group for yourself and your other children? Or are you able to set aside an hour per week where it is only about you and your other children? To get together and discuss how the sitiuation affects everybody else, like your own self help group?
 

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Cookie72

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Unfortunately they wonít admit her.  It seems ridiculous but itís not an option.  Sheís a bit improved and we are at A&E once a week now not twice.  I am trying to sort out help for my other daughters, we have such a lot to deal with.  They all need to work out how they feel about their dad, how to cope with what my eldest is going through, itís a lot to handle on top of normal teenage stuff.  I do need support too, but I have to know they have things in place, I canít let any more mental health issues spiral.

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Lillith65

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Re: Daughter newly diagnosed *TW* mentions self harm & suicidal thoughts
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2018, 02:43:47 PM »
Hi Cookie,

You are dealing with so much. It is no wonder that you feel so overwhelmed. I am not sure what you will think of the following suggestion and my reasoning, but it is worth thinking about.

When your daughter is self harming and actively suicidal, have you thought about ringing 999 and not accompanying her to hospital?

I suggest this for two reasons: first of all you have other children who also need you and you have your own health and wellbeing to consider.

I understand that society expects a partner or close family member to be there if possible; but this expectation is not reasonable when dealing with someone with EUPD (what used to be called BPD) because the crises are so frequent.

The frequency of self harm and suicidality in EUPD makes it quite different to self harm and suicidality in other conditions, so dealing with it has to differ too. It is a behaviour that your daughter has developed to deal with her instability that needs managing by someone with experience in EUPD.

That leads me to the second reason, (and possibly the most helpful in the long run for both of you) that I suggest you not accompany her to hospital when she has self harmed or is threatening suicide. If you are there as her next of kin, the MHS will continue to expect you to be your daughterís carer. As she is an adult it would be more helpful for both of you if MHS treat her as an independent adult and put services in place to support her. At the moment it is is easy for them to hand the responsibility to you - and they will - because it is easier for them!

If you are not her carer, it will reduce the pressure on you and may also be more helpful for your daughter because the services will be provided at greater speed and intensity. At the moment the professionals are expecting you to do the caring and this is not feasible or healthy in the long term.

The board for caring for elderly PD parents may be helpful as there is some overlap because often adult children are expected to care for their PD parents at the expense of their own health and other family!
« Last Edit: June 02, 2018, 02:52:13 PM by Lillith65 »