Nmom declines Mother's Day outing

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Amadahy

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Nmom declines Mother's Day outing
« on: May 12, 2018, 07:45:06 AM »
Hey y'all,

Relatively quiet while in LC, MC with Nmom, but we had talked on the phone about a mother's day brunch for today.  I can handle short bursts of restaurant time and plans were set.  This morning, at 7:30 a.m., Nmom left a phone message that was very curt.  "I don't want to go with y'all to the breakfast.  I don't feel like I should." 

I have to say, hyperviligiant me has seen a storm brewing. The adult daycare she attends has all kinds of drama and now she's sure she's the brunt of one persons ire -- and maybe she is, but what are we, twelve?!  Anyway, I am triggered by this and the habitual me would want to call and build her up, beg her for an outing, soothe the beast.  My head hurts, my breathing is shallow, I feel scattered.  But, you know what?  I'm going to go over at appointed time, take her a nice flower and some food and leave if she gets on the rage train.  I'm not going to address her cancellation. 

It pisses me off that my poor animal body responds with fear to this crap.  Ah, well.  I have enough to do around the home today and DH is taking me for a nice dinner this evening. 

Thanks for being a safe space to wail and moan.  :)   :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Bloomie

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Re: Nmom declines Mother's Day outing
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2018, 09:40:56 AM »
Quote from: Amadahy
Anyway, I am triggered by this and the habitual me would want to call and build her up, beg her for an outing, soothe the beast.  My head hurts, my breathing is shallow, I feel scattered.  But, you know what?  I'm going to go over at appointed time, take her a nice flower and some food and leave if she gets on the rage train.  I'm not going to address her cancellation. 

It pisses me off that my poor animal body responds with fear to this crap.  Ah, well.  I have enough to do around the home today and DH is taking me for a nice dinner this evening.

Love how you are recognizing your triggers and not allowing those rising emotions to dictate your choices in the face of this acting out by your mom. Strength and great wisdom to you as you continue to show your mom grace and generosity in the face of it all. Don't forget to strap that kevlar vest on over your heart before you go!

Enjoy that lovely evening with your H! :hug:
Bloomie 🌸


"It's not what we don't know that hurts us, people say. Its what we believe is true that isn't, that does the damage." Melodie Beatty
"If the individual put as much effort into being a good person as they do into pretending to be one, they could actually be a good person." A. Brenner MD

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Amadahy

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Re: Nmom declines Mother's Day outing
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2018, 01:40:08 PM »
Thank you, Bloomie! 

I went to mom's apartment w some groceries and a Mother's Day card. Right away, I saw the look -- everyone here knows the look. 

Mom heard me say that why would my boys want to go eat with her when what I said was that the boys would come if they had time (since they work today).  She then told me she was going to quit adult day care and move and told me a plethora of things others had said about her.  All my life she has gone into funks where she thinks everyone is out to get her. I listened a bit and said, "Well, whatever you need to do."  I have found that this statement deescalates her rage and I can see a very depressed person who is "stuck" at about 12 years old.

So, outside her thinking I said something I didn't say, I didn't feel attacked. Just sad and hopeless about her.  She cannot find happiness or peace.  But, whereas I would have worried and tried to build her up to my exhaustion and detriment, I listened a bit, told her I love her and left. That kind of energy will suck the life out and I will not be around it very long anymore.

:hug:  Thanks for reading.   
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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looloo

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Re: Nmom declines Mother's Day outing
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2018, 01:52:03 PM »
You handled your mother with so much skill, generosity of spirit, and grace.  Good for you!  I’m sorry that nothing can be done to ease your mothr’s unhappiness, but am so happy for you that you’re dealing with it so well.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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moglow

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Re: Nmom declines Mother's Day outing
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2018, 09:06:08 PM »
I'm sorry, Amadahy, it's just so senseless and sad. I can't tell you how many times mine has cancelled at last minute and all I did was release a huge sigh of relief.

Quote
So, outside her thinking I said something I didn't say, I didn't feel attacked. Just sad and hopeless about her.  She cannot find happiness or peace.  But, whereas I would have worried and tried to build her up to my exhaustion and detriment, I listened a bit, told her I love her and left. That kind of energy will suck the life out and I will not be around it very long anymore.

Finding our limits is a necessary evil. Still not easy but I'm glad to know it works for you. :hug:
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Amadahy

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Re: Nmom declines Mother's Day outing
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2018, 06:33:37 PM »
Thanks, y'all.  My Nmom took a cab to my house this afternoon. She hadn't been to my house since I had to force her out (from living here) in Aug 2016.  Fun times!   :stars:

So...I took her to the backyard and visited. I swear she acts like nothing ever happened. She was most horrid to DH, so he did not visit. Each of our three boys came to talk to her for a bit, which was sweet of them. They know how she is, but I think they did it for me. 

So....it was weird, unwelcome.  But, because of the holiday (geesh) I was kind and visited a bit.  She does have beginning dementia so convo is surface-y. I feel horribly sorry for her and am feeling more calm than I thought.  DH is annoyed, but pretty understanding.  (Really a saint of a man!)  I would never bring her in the house or ask him or the boys to see her unless they decided to. 

Again, just sad .... She really will never be able to be at peace in this world and I can't do a thing about it.

Somehow I am not triggered.  I feel oddly calm, not dissociated (my usual coping). I have been having craniosacral therapy which is amazing, so I feel like that has helped.

Hugs, dears.  May the holiday kiss my ass.

:hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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practical

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Re: Nmom declines Mother's Day outing
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2018, 07:54:02 PM »
You have come such a far way to be able to stay detached and observe in real time - a testament to all the hard work you have done and continue to do.

So, outside her thinking I said something I didn't say, I didn't feel attacked. Just sad and hopeless about her.  She cannot find happiness or peace.

Again, just sad .... She really will never be able to be at peace in this world and I can't do a thing about it.
These lines so very much resonated with me when it comes to F. Seeing and accepting how hopeless the situation is, experiencing the sadness while not trying to fix anything.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)