PD Mother left a voicemail implying that she was going to kill herself.

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Spring Butterfly

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The background anxiety and panic are manageable if I remember to breathe and read your posts.
please do, breathe and read. I remember the first time I opened my mouth and spoke, took my stand. The community here helped me stay level, centered, grounded in the reality that I can stand up to 50+ years of abuse. It can end and as an adult with now OOTF eyes I had the power. You have the power you get to choose and it doesn't matter what other people think of it. You can choose no contact or you can choose to dial back contact gradually until it's manageable for you. Sometimes things happen organically when we rip the curtain open and expose all the secrets as Woman Interrupted mentions. That was the case with me too as I shined a spotlight on the abuse uPDm herself chose to limit contact as it was no longer self-serving. Not only was I no longer her Supply but I was in absolute risk and liability.

From childhood until just a few years ago uPDm constantly reminders life is fragile messed with my head. You did the right thing, it could save a life if it was a real threat and others don't need to like it.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

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blacksheep7

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I'm so sorry Lillith.
No one deserves this kind of treatment especially that you did the right thing, calling 911. 
The smear campaign on Fbook :aaauuugh:   Nice Family....it's just horrible.

 :bighug:

Wishing you well.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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illogical

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...The next thing I will need to deal with is the sense of shame about them and guilt about my behaviour that leads to me finding it hard to be around others and hear them talk about their families.

At least I know a place where I am understood and supported and where there are lots of others who ‘get it’. 

Lillith65, there is no sense of shame because you were born into a PD family.  You did nothing here.  You didn't ask to be born.  You weren't given the option to choose your FOO. 

As far as what others think, that's on them.  No guilt allowed about your behavior towards them.  They haven't walked in your shoes.  As such, they have no right to judge you or say what you "should have done". 

Know that you have great strength of character.  I think you are amazing!  :cheers:
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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Lillith65

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After almost a week of thinking about things I have sent a text to my sister stating clearly that I am not going to be involved in the move, organisation or running around beyond what I already do (which is a phone call once a week).

I added that if she wants another reason beyond my health that I am not willing to be involved with people who lie or people who abuse me. I know that last statement is JADE but as it is written and I immediately reblocked her it won’t lead to further arguments.

The prospect of not interacting with those people makes me feel lighter. A little like I felt when my Dad died - no more FOG from him.

It is so funny that when I talk to others about the situation they think that I am dealing with normal people and start to make suggestions and offer alternatives. They seem taken aback when I smile and shake my head, one friend of mine intervened with a group of friends on my behalf last night when they were doing this and said that it is pretty clear that I am not dealing with rational people who listen to or think about anything other than what they want.

My friends are also dealing with elderly parents and the difference is staggering. It is amazing to me that an elderly parent would think about their own needs in a rational way, would consider others when making decisions and would listen to and act on advice! I don’t mean they are perfect, there are battles over things like what furniture to keep, whether to wear their hearing aid, what to do with the house - but they are discussed in an adult, responsible and respectful way!
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 09:11:54 AM by Lillith65 »

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openskyblue

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Good for you, Lilith!  I'm betting you feel lighter. I feel lighter for you just reading your last post!

As someone who takes care of her elderly mother (who is rational and a non), I'll tell you that the situation you are dealing with is in no way run-of-the-mill. My own mother is VERY old, deaf without her hearing aids, no longer drives, and still lives in her home. Between her caregiver, my siblings, neighbors, and myself, we cover her care with the goal of making sure she can live out her days in her home and that her end-of-life wishes are followed when the time comes. We have our stressful moments, but everyone pitches in where they can--and my mom frequently tells us how grateful she is for our help and company.

A big part of why this is going so well is because of who my mom is -- a rational, kind person, who lets us know how grateful she is that we care for and help her. If she were demanding, rageful, and threatening, you can bet she wouldn't get the queenly treatment she enjoys now. As they say, you reap what you sow in life. I don't think you have anything to feel sorry about or doubt in terms of your behavior.




Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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Lillith65

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I have now had to block my mother’s phone number as she rang me at work to scream down the phone that I am a disgusting, nasty piece of work, she no longer considers me as her daughter and to keep away from her and my sister.

Funny that she’s telling me to keep away when the main point of the current conflict is my desire to keep away!

It is all about control. I have not kept away, she has ‘banished and disowned’ me.

I feel pretty battered right now but am happy that I have not been dragged into their craziness - the phone calls, the screaming, the name calling, the drama.

I just want peace, quiet, and to be around people who are kind, thoughtful and honest. That’s the kind of person that I strive to be too.

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illogical

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...It is all about control. I have not kept away, she has ‘banished and disowned’ me.

Absolutely it's all about control.  Your mother seems hell bent on getting it, no matter the costs.

You are very wise to see clearly here what is going on.   She is not going to listen to reason-- far from it.   It's futile to try to reason with her or to try to fix it, as you well know.  Better to keep your distance and block her as you have.  Wishing you much peace!
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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Lillith65

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Thank you. I need it.  :hug:

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WomanInterrupted

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When somebody banishes and disowns you, and you're thinking, "GOOD!" - that's not a relationship.

I'm glad you've blocked her - you're taking her at *face value* and not playing stupid, childish games - like her calling you in a week, expecting you to COMPLY, while acting like nothing at all was ever wrong.  If you remind her of her words, she'll say she didn't mean it like that or you take things too seriously.   :stars:

The days of rug sweeping are over, and the rug went to the trash.   8-)

Enjoy the silence and know you didn't cause any of this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.  All you can do is stay away from it, which a phone block or two should be *quite* effective at managing.   :)

Your sister can have all the "fun" of handling your mom's demands and figuring out how to move her - I strongly suspect that's not going to happen now that you're out of the picture and she can't just
fob your mom off on you.

If you ever feel weak and like you should unblock her, please remember - your mom isn't out on an ice floe and she's got a *phone* that can call for all kinds of services - taxis, Uber, grocery delivery, pharmacy delivery, and she can even pay her bills and take care of her banking with it.

If she needs help with food, she can call Meals on Wheels.  If she needs help around the house, she can call a maid service.   I'm sure there are plenty of resources for seniors she can look into - and none of them are named Lillith.   ;D

 :hug:

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Lillith65

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I'm sure there are plenty of resources for seniors she can look into - and none of them are named Lillith.

 :bigwink:


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Spring Butterfly

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Yes it's about control - you're not allowed to walk away, *she* will tell you to go away, this way it's her choice not yours. It's the PD attempt to take away the power you've claimed, the power over your own life and choices, the power that was always yours that you recently discovered you possess. Except it's all smoke and mirrors because you know and she knows you initiated the overthrow, the mutiny, and you have taken control of your own life. Well done!
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

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Bloomie

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Agree with one and all well done Lilith! You have claimed the ground that you are standing on as healthy, filled with the knowledge that you do not have to allow anyone to speak to you and treat you as your mother and sister have done. Ever.

This is your one life and it does not have to be lived at the mercy of another's ridiculousness, drama making, and strife!
Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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openskyblue

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How awful of her to call you and say these terrible things. Stick to your guns, Lillith. You deserve better!
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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Maisey

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Among so many things this forum has helped me get centered on , this topic is something I am armed with a quick response if it ever is pulled on me. I  wouldn't think twice about reacting just the same as you did.

You provided the correct, sane solution in an unstable situation, and that is driving them into a frenzy to make your reaction appear off balanced.

You did the responsible thing.

M.