I don't care about my pain

  • 4 Replies
  • 167 Views
*

poiu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 227
I don't care about my pain
« on: May 13, 2018, 09:04:29 PM »
I made a disturbing realization lately: I don't care about how much pain I'm in  :aaauuugh:

Certainly put there by my parents, I have the idea that none of my suffering matters and I just need to deal with it. No one was there to take care of me. Or to care. Period.

Having several chronic illnesses, you get used to a certain amount of pain and suffering. I don't even think about it anymore. It doesn't occur to me that it isn't normal, and that other people (especially my age) don't feel like this. They say when you become ill, you learn to suffer as much as you are suffering. That becomes your baseline.

I recently discovered that I can have surgery for one of my diagnoses to alleviate the pain and I don't want to do it. I thought "I'm not in THAT much pain, I'm coping just fine, surgery is so extreme." It doesn't occur to me that "Well, maybe rather than being 'not in that much pain,' I could be feeling 'GOOD' " What a concept.

Recently, I had pain so bad that it actually woke me up. But I waited 4 more days- until I was unable to walk- before I went to a doctor. It seems that as long as I can function and appear normal, it doesn't really matter to me how much I'm suffering. My willpower is A LOT stronger than my body, unfortunately.

Luckily, at the time I'm writing this, I've started to work through this belief. Learning that "I deserve to feel good and NOT in pain" is going to take a lot of work  :stars:

*

LightOrb

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 587
Re: I don't care about my pain
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2018, 09:25:27 PM »
I did get used to the pain, too. I lived around it for many, many years, and I never noticed how it became such an important part of my life that I wasn't able to free my mind of it, when the medication stopped the physical pain 100%. I stayed in the world where I felt pain and now I wonder if someday I will be able to leave.

Our parents should have felt compelled to stop our suffering, and I believe that since it didn't matter to them, we learned and internalized that our pain does not matter. If nobody worried, why should we?

The problem is that the pain steals our lives. It interferes with so many things and the ghost stays with us when we break free, at least in my case, where I was afraid I will do this or that because I  could felt the familiar stabbing pain. It's even worse because people don't understand, specially if you are young.

I understand completely. Keep thinking about it, and with luck, you will get relief. I am rooting for you!

*

1footouttadefog

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1464
Re: I don't care about my pain
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 05:04:52 PM »
You deserve to be as pain free as possible.  I hope you find your way to health care that can make that possible for you.  Less pain will mean a better life.

Perhaps you will then be able to do more of what you like best.


*

daughterofbpd

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 932
Re: I don't care about my pain
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 11:27:44 AM »
Hi poiu,

I don't have the chronic pain and illnesses that many of you suffer from but I do have that same mentality that my pain doesn't matter. I was wondering about that lately. Some people get so depressed or anxious that they can't leave the bed. I think that my emotional state can't be that bad because I am able to get up and face the world everyday. The thing is, staying in bed, resting, etc. were never an option in my family. I was always required to suck it up and carry on. When I'm sick, I still manage to clean house, grocery shop, cook dinner, etc. A couple years ago I was off work for 1/2 a week for minor surgery and I got so much done in that week. Umm...wasn't I supposed to be resting? I ended up with a much larger scar from overworking myself (which I don't care about in the least but the incision would have healed much faster if I took it easy). Also, I have a tendency to always think that I am fine no matter what. Lately I am trying to come to terms with not always being okay, like I don't feel okay right now but I will be okay.

Thanks for this post. I hope you can get some relief and find out what it is like to feel good for once. Take care.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

*

poiu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 227
Re: I don't care about my pain
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 09:49:07 PM »
I think that my emotional state can't be that bad because I am able to get up and face the world everyday. The thing is, staying in bed, resting, etc. were never an option in my family. I was always required to suck it up and carry on. When I'm sick, I still manage to clean house, grocery shop, cook dinner, etc.

....Also, I have a tendency to always think that I am fine no matter what. Lately I am trying to come to terms with not always being okay, like I don't feel okay right now but I will be okay.
This. This. This. I always think "well, I'm not in the hospital, so I can't truly be sick"  :stars:  I'm pretty sure there are steps before that lol. I've always just powered through because that's what I've always done. Some days my entire body is screaming in pain and I feel like I've been beaten in my sleep. Just yesterday I had a good sob, gave myself a hug, and got into the shower to fight through it and go on with my day. Because that's what I need to do. There are people missing work for sniffles, then there's me.

And being NOT ok was something I've had to work on. Again, "I'm not hospitalized, so I'm fine." Plus I've never been allowed to be not ok. You're only allowed to suffer if PDs say you are allowed, remember?  :stars: Definitely something to work on. How much do I need to suffer before I decide it's enough?