Has this happened to anyone?

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cookiecat

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Has this happened to anyone?
« on: May 14, 2018, 02:25:54 AM »
I was just starting to make peace with the demise of a horrible friendship with a Unarc (although my therapist thought she was textbook).  Last week I was verbally attacked thru text by another “friend”.   Both of these friends went through crisises but in the process completely drained me emotionally and had financial expectations (because of my need to please and fixing personality.   I’ve come to realize that friends suffering emotionally is extremely difficult for me and I tend to try and make them happy by doing and buying.  I’m working very hard on that.  My other friends don’t take advantage of me thankfully).   Anyway, I recognize my part in the dysfunction and am changing but here is what I find frustrating.  Both of these women assured me and said many many times “always be honest with me.  I hate drama, I just want honesty if there is an issue etc etc”.   Well when I finally was honest about my feelings (not in a mean way), with both of them, I was raged at, guilted, shamed etc... One immediately went to social media to unfriend and unfollow—how dare I question their behavior towards me.   Again, this is a person who begged me to always be honest.   Has anyone else had this happen?   I’m more than willing to meet, hear things out, try to come to an understanding, but in both cases, these women could only text.   And then I start feeling guilty for expressing my feelings and needs in the friendship.  I’m probably jumping all over the place, lol, there is too much information, I could write a book.  I grew up with a narc mother so mother’s day is difficult for me.   Therapy and reading has helped me with my people pleasing behaviors but it’s obvious some people prefer me as a doormat/armchair therapist (both of these ex-friends always refused to go to therapy, preferred talking to me :stars:).   Anyway, very draining friendships but still very painful and I’m constantly second guessing whether I should have been honest or just slowly fade away.   Thanks for letting me share..

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Kieveen

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Re: Has this happened to anyone?
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2018, 01:36:21 PM »
I have learned that friends or family that are PD or have PD traits will blow up at you when you set boundaries.  I think at certain point in my life after my husband passed I started to confront some in my social circle.   They were being rude to myself and my new finance and let's just say it blew up in a nasty way.  These individuals were diagnosed with neurological and mental disorders so they shared some of the same traits as PD's and I suspect some even were undiagnosed.  After the very nasty  blow up, I tried to continue to maintain a relationship with one couple but after years of playing the psychologists and being treated like a doormat, I decided not to confront and just unfriend block ect and refuse any contact with them. 

I've tried both methods and I've found that the going NC without explanation has worked out far better when dealing with emotionally unstable people.   I feel a little bit like a coward for it but I have to be honest it has worked out well.
I do confront my mom and even my father who is an alcoholic when it comes to boundaries.   With my father it usually blows up and he gets very nasty.  My mom is a bit easier to deal with but at times has been very nasty. 
I've come to learn that someone who is emotionally healthy will be easy to deal when you need to set boundaries and those that aren't,  be prepared for a blow up.  Either way you handle it, it's far better than to be continuously used and taken for granted by others.




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newlife33

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Re: Has this happened to anyone?
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 01:53:00 PM »
Been there.  I lost a lot of people in my life once I began to establish boundaries.  Narcs see everything as either transactional or in the sense of how things benefit them or what they can use.  Setting a boundary breaks their world, they cannot accept it.  I lost my "best friend" because of me standing up for myself, and went through a similar emotional and verbal attack.

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SweetTea

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Re: Has this happened to anyone?
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2018, 07:23:05 PM »
  Both of these women assured me and said many many times “always be honest with me.  I hate drama, I just want honesty if there is an issue etc etc”.   Well when I finally was honest about my feelings (not in a mean way), with both of them, I was raged at, guilted, shamed etc... One immediately went to social media to unfriend and unfollow—how dare I question their behavior towards me.   Again, this is a person who begged me to always be honest.   

With the PD'd people I've known, I've always found it means "Always tell me what I want to hear." 
Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it. ~Ziad K. Abdelnour