StÓlking Second-Cuz-In-Law

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Torial

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StÓlking Second-Cuz-In-Law
« on: May 14, 2018, 02:49:28 AM »
Technically he's not even that to me. But he got custody of my second cousin's child do to his enmeshed family group full of social workers looking better in court than a single, poor mother struggling to get by. So she got weekend custody and did her best to support him where she could.

So when I moved into town, she thought it would be good for her son, D, to have more non-enmeshed family to lean on, so she introduced us. I'm actually closer in age to her son than her, and she saw we had a lot of common interests. That was when D was 14.

Having come from a PD family myself and being on the path to healing, I saw some red flags immediately. However, some issues came up and my fiance and I ended up moving a few hours away. I stayed involved  in his life as an online presence and did a lot of online chat support, but still had enough distance between him and I that I didn't see the full picture. I still called out the neglect and abusive behavior, but he really minimized it. But after getting back on our feet, we moved back and got re-involved in his life at 16.

His Dad's side of the family is... bad. Really enmeshed, emotional incest, physical neglect, living in squalor. His Grandfather is a micromanaging, overbearing abuser, his Dad is a neglectful abuser. It's a nightmare enmeshed family. Over the next few years I tried to be a figure of stability in his life - and when his Dad made the umpteenth threat to kick him out, this time after he turned 18, he moved in with me. His dad, of course, blamed me for this decision. And as D's contact with his Father and Grandfather lessened, their attempts to get control over the situation increased, and their blame on me increased with it. To the point of accusations of brÓinwashing.

So finally, they went through his private messages, found my rŔddit account in those messages, and found my posts about them on a support forum. (Anonymous, of course.) I deleted the posts and abandoned the account because I've had experiences with stalking and I did not want more.

Since then, his dad has made a point to "find every thing posted about him" online, because "he deserves to know." He's found my new reddit, despite me swapping a lot of details out and trying to keep things vague - I can only hope he found out because the usernames were vaguely similar (they both had the same word in them.) I'm only praying he doesn't find this account, but the ordeal has been stressful enough that I'd really like support on it. He's made it clear at this point that preventing me from having an online presence to vent about him is more important than his relationship with his son.

Idk, I guess I'm just venting, but advice/support is appreciated.

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Bloomie

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Re: StÓlking Second-Cuz-In-Law
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 11:18:57 AM »
Torial - Hi there and welcome to OOTF! I am so sorry your post has slipped down the page a bit unanswered!

I cannot imagine how hard it has been for you to see the neglect and abuse D has suffered. I am thankful he has had you as a steady, supportive and caring presence in his life all of these years. I hope D is doing better and moving on with his life at this point. This sounds like someone who is possibly trying to control the optics of the situation and you in particular.

Very disturbing to have D's father stalking your online activity! One thing many do here is change up the details just enough to still share and gain support for the situation you are facing, but to protect your anonymity. We also encourage members to not choose a forum name that would in any way reveal their identity as well.

In terms of ways to cope with all of this there are great suggestions in the toolbox above and with the Personality Disorders info you will find a list of traits that are helpful to familiarize yourself with. At the end of each trait you will see a what to do and what not to do for each one that are some simple strategies to tuck into your back pocket when you encounter that behavior.

I am so sorry for the tangled mess that those who were in a position of trust to nurture and care for D failed him. I am also so sorry that your kindness and efforts toward him have placed you in the sights of his father.


Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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Torial

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Re: StÓlking Second-Cuz-In-Law
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 04:40:32 PM »
Bloomie - D is doing much better now! He still struggles with some FLEAS, but after 8 months of VVLC with that side of his family, he's able to absorb constructive criticism without immediately thinking that we hate him or that he's worthless, so dealing with them as we go has gotten way easier. He and his partner, whose relationship was on the rocks and on its way out when he lived with his dad, is now stronger and more stable. He's in therapy and we're learning healthy communication and coping mechanisms. We're all adult children of abuse, so we've been taking time every week to watch youtube videos about healing from PD abuse together and discuss our feelings. He's been going on bike rides to work on his mindfulness. He also got a job, something he was convinced he'd never be able to do.

(Though if you were to ask his father's side of the side of the family I'm a Narcisstic domestic abuser brainwashing him and trapping him in my house and cutting off his contact with the whole world, which is of course their justification for continuing to stalk me.)

The FLEAS are sorting out with time and encouragement, but the FOG has been a bit more persistent. His fear is less and less, but the obligation and guilt are still a struggle. His guilt is more of a survivor's guilt - other family members are still there, and he feels guilty for getting out without them and obligated to see them, even if it means interacting with his abusers. The other day, his partner (who has a few fleas of their own) snapped at him that he needs to "stop feeling obligated to spend time with people who hurt him for the sake of people who are going to abused whether he's there or not." His partner apologized a few times and kept an eye on him afterwards, because certain levels of harshness are still a bit overwhelming for him, but D seemed to absorb the message more than the delivery.

He's been pretty soft spoken and lost in thought the last few days. I think the concept of the abuse occuring no matter what he did hadn't *really* occured to him yet, because he spent so much of his childhood parentified and being told things were his responsibility and his fault. He mentioned calling social services the other day. I told him that would be a great idea, provided that he felt comfortable doing so. So, the progress seems to keep rolling.

I'm just... flabbergasted that his father and that side of the family have done the exact same thing twice now with literally no change. Found my account, made a gloating public post about the fact that they have screenshots, and then obsessively check it (12 times a day each, yeesh.) I mean - I learned rather quickly that they wanted a response and enjoyed my acknowledgement of their stalking. But this time, since I knew it was a posibility, I prepared for it and am not giving them the attention they were hoping for, rather ghosting the account. They, on the other hand, apparently didn't learn that public gloating would get them caught.

Thank you so much for your response, it's been a very confusing ride so far and I need all the support I can find.