One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry

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LSK1999

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Hi all, I am feeling super angry today. I spent all week preparing myself for dealing with Mother's day. My fiance even went as far to drop my card and gift (that he went and purchased) off to my NM. I had only one thing to do and that was to make a brief phone call to her and I swore I would not let it get to me. Yet somehow it still did, and it did so enough to make the rest of my day unpleasant to say the least. I was panicky and anxious and just wanted to spend the rest of the day hiding in my bed. Which was truly unfortunate because I had my 2 daughters and 2 beautiful grandchildren here with me, yet I was triggered for the rest of the day. The really annoying part is I should fully expect the horrible things she says, yet it's like I'm still surprised by them every time???? Rather I think I am more surprised by my inability to say what I really want to say to her, despite the fact that when I listen to her talk now it's apparent she is not even close to having any type of grip on reality.

Yet despite this she is a MASTER at manipulation, she managed to say many abusive things and devalue me several times in a 10 minute phone conversation, but if you did not know the situation or her you would never be able to outwardly call her out as an abuser. I want to give an example of how she does these things. I am doing this for myself but also hope it can help others see that YES they are being abused even when on the surface it doesn't seem like it (This perpetuates the FOG). In my phone call with my mother she never says thank you for my card or gift, but she does tell me that my daughter got her a beautiful card and then proceeds to read the card my daughter got her at which point she is moved to tears. This is her way of telling me my card wasn't good enough, I am still not meeting her standards. She then proceeds to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and says I am fortunate because I have beautiful daughters. My daughters are beautiful but if they weren't??? As if their physical beauty is the only thing that I have to be thankful for. So I respond by saying yeah I have pretty good kids and I am thankful for that, and then in the flattest and most sarcastic tone she says, "Yeah their great". She is telling me that my children are disappointments and fail to live up to any of her expectations. How do you call someone out on a tone of voice? I know exactly what she means to say, because I KNOW HER and I know how her disturbed mind works. But if I were to say " don't talk about my children that way" she will say " I don't know what you mean", "I did not say it that way", " you perceive everything wrong", "your so dramatic", "it was only a joke". This is gaslighting my friends. I will abuse you and say nasty things about you (and your children) and then I will absolve myself of any responsibility from it.

In this conversation my mother also manages to ask me all types of inappropriate questions about my personal life. Asking me about my financial situation. Crossing these boundaries is also a type of abuse. As a 42 year old woman I am obliged in no way to share any part of my personal life like finances, my relationship with my fiance, where I went that day, etc. with my mother. I AM 42 NOT 4! This is abnormal and far from decent or healthy behavior. Her abuse of others is never hidden she manages to put down my brother, her neighbors, a supervisor at work, and both of my children. So in one 10 minute phone conversation she is able to diminish and devalue me, insult me and my children, cross my boundaries repeatedly, and if I respond to any of it she will gaslight and continue in a even more destructive manner. I say all this because I am triggered by her now not just because of past abuse, but because she is still and always will be abusive to me. This has been helpful for me today to recognize how that conversation that seems like it shouldn't be a big deal, is still loaded with abuse. It reminds me that my LC is the best decision I could ever make and I will go further to ensure VLC. Thanks everyone for listening. I hope more of you had a better day yesterday than I did  :)


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Iguanagos

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2018, 12:12:42 PM »
I hope more of you had a better day yesterday than I did  :)

Well, not really, but thank you anyway!  And thank you for sharing.  I had a few rough days too, and the things that help me the most are time passing from the event, and coming here to read and share with the only people that truly get it.

I can see how your mother's behavior would be so infuriating.  She is pretty skilled at conducting her abuse in a subtle manner and covering her tracks with Plausible Deniability.  You can't ever really call her out on her behavior because she makes sure she is protected.  No one without a long history with her would even see the abuse.  And yes, just a short phone call can send you backward so much. 

My N/B M is similar, very intelligent and crafty.  I almost wish she were more overt in her abuse, because it would then be easier for me to respond to direct attacks than the underhanded, subtle ones that sneak up on me and leave me feeling so bad afterwards.

I hope that you're able to gain whatever protection you need from her (going more LC or VLC, etc.) to protect your own mental health.  I wish we were not all on this journey together, but I am so glad we have a place to share and find support.

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truthseeker4life

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 02:11:53 PM »
Lsk1999

I am right there with you. One 30 second phone call with my n mom puts me over the cliff.

My mom is also covert in her behaviors. She is the ignoring type of narcissist. She covertly goes out of her way to neglect me and let me know I am unimportant and she has other supply.

I had a family gathering to attend on Sat. I saw her there and we never talk any more so I had my young daughter give her her mother's day gifts and card while we were there. Done. I did not call her yesterday. I fulfilled my "obligation" thought I might as well give her cash as she gives me. I didn't see her last year on mother's day either but made the mistake of calling her at the end of the day (like you getting all nervous and panicky) and it totally ruined my day and I had had a great day.

When I do call her which is rarely nowadays she gets off the phone as soon as she can saying, "I will let you go now". Last phone conversation was 30 seconds and she got off the phone with me. Doesn't ask how I am doing or how her granddaughters are doing. She just tells me usually who died and when the funeral is. (The only time she calls me is my birthday and when someone dies just like her mother did to her!)

It is like she needs to win to be the first to get off the phone lest I do it first. I have always wanted to call my mom up and say "hi mom - (and immediately say) I will let you go now" and hang up. LOL. I have these fantasies of things I would like to do but alas I am way more mature than she is to play this game.

Sorry your mom puts you over the edge even when you try to protect yourself emotionally. I know how that is. I think I can handle it and then wham I am hit by a 2x4 with some new surprising devaluing ignoring behavior she so "innocently" displays.

Peace to all dealing with the covert and overt behaviors of a pd parent. 

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gladtobehere

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2018, 02:37:12 PM »
How do you call someone out on a tone of voice? I know exactly what she means to say, because I KNOW HER and I know how her disturbed mind works. But if I were to say " don't talk about my children that way" she will say " I don't know what you mean", "I did not say it that way", " you perceive everything wrong", "your so dramatic", "it was only a joke". This is gaslighting my friends. I will abuse you and say nasty things about you (and your children) and then I will absolve myself of any responsibility from it.

 :yeahthat:

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I am actually glad my mother didn't answer the phone yesterday because every single conversation with my mother goes exactly this way.


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blacksheep7

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2018, 02:44:37 PM »
LSK1999,
I'm sorry, no child deserves this especially that we are Adults. I can relate, I'm nc now.  The subtle abuse is frustrating indeed and cuts like a knife.  The tone, oh the tone just adds fuel to the fire,  M was a master at it.    And it's what she portrays to the others, Perfection, Kindness & Love. Just writing this makes me want to vomit, sorry.  The last straw, not counting the other incidents  for me was when she threw an emotional blackmail, whispering in the doctor's waiting room, so I wouldn't react.  I was in my fifties with grandchildren.  I thought, for real Mother?  I had enough.  I don't miss her at all.  I never had that bond, she was fake in showing her love as far as I was concerned. 

 They do get under our skin even though we know that it is not our fault.  Why, because it's our Mother, good enough reason.   The less contact you will have, the better.

I hope you are feeling better.   :hug:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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LSK1999

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2018, 03:09:57 PM »
I hope more of you had a better day yesterday than I did  :)
[/quote

My N/B M is similar, very intelligent and crafty.  I almost wish she were more overt in her abuse, because it would then be easier for me to respond to direct attacks than the underhanded, subtle ones that sneak up on me and leave me feeling so bad afterwards.

I can totally relate, my mother's abuse used to be both covert and overt, she is now relying solely on covert as she knows the overt will not work. She was called out on it multiple times by me and a couple of times by my fiance. In fact this reminds me of how far I have come even though it doesn't seem like it. I remember on one occasion she was being verbally abusive to me and yelling at me like a child and my fiance just flipped out on her. I was terrified at the time and was mad at HIM?? That's how deep in the FOG I was a couple of years ago, I was mad at him for yelling at my mother who was being ridiculously cruel to me for no reason???? Wow, I realize now she must detest him  :) He has taken away her punching bag. I must remember to tell him today how much I appreciate him  :doh: My point is I am done with her raging and screaming and I think she knows that, because I started to yell back! It was much easier to stand up to that though, so I totally get what you are saying. It's when my mother pretends to be loving and care that I hate the most. I just feel total disgust and want to scream STOP!!

Thanks everyone for your kind words and the reminder that I am not in this alone, it really does  feel like no one else could possibly understand what we have been through. Even people that are willing to listen and do care for me say things that are largely unhelpful and sometimes trigger me. I am also beginning to realize however that I am relating to other people like they are my mother and projecting my experience with her onto other relationships...uggghh....when does the damage ever end...Thanks again everyone sending hugs and love to all of you.

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SE7

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2018, 03:30:10 PM »
Oh how I can relate to this headline, LSK1999 ...

It was the last FIVE MINUTES of my interaction with three PD family members on Mother's Day that set off total emotional destruction for me today. I feel non-functional - I suppose because the fear my NF induces in me triggered a big fat Emotional Flashback. I don't feel like I can function today. My soul feels demolished.

EVERYTHING you described is what I just went through yesterday (in another thread) - in my case from both NF & BM. How DO you call someone out for a tone of voice? Exactly, exactly, exactly. And the comparison thing "oh your cousin called me and was SO thankful to me!!!" (for some thing she helped cousin out with.)
« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 03:58:36 PM by SE7 »

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LSK1999

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2018, 04:15:11 PM »
Oh how I can relate to this headline, LSK1999 ...

It was the last FIVE MINUTES of my interaction with three PD family members on Mother's Day that set off total emotional destruction for me today. I feel non-functional - I suppose because the fear my NF induces in me triggered a big fat Emotional Flashback. I don't feel like I can function today. My soul feels demolished.

EVERYTHING you described is what I just went through yesterday (in another thread) - in my case from both NF & BM. How DO you call someone out for a tone of voice? Exactly, exactly, exactly. And the comparison thing "oh your cousin called me and was SO thankful to me!!!" (for some thing she helped cousin out with.)

I am so sorry you are going through this too. I can totally relate and yes always pointing out how other people are soooo much better than you without coming out and saying it is also very destructive tool of manipulation used by my NM. My therapist reminds me all the time that I am dealing with a MASTER of manipulation and that she has spent years crafting this skill. Not to mention the fact that we have been conditioned to go along with their beliefs since we were born. Just know that though your soul feels demolished, it is not. I fully believe that is the one thing they can't ever destroy. It's getting through all the layers of abuse and brainwashing to get down to who we really are and who we were really meant to be that's the hardest part. We are worth it, we deserve it, and we are not the ones who are ill. We are being punished by them for being healthy and normal and expecting for things to be the way they are in any other normal healthy family. We are responding to abuse the way anyone would. I hope this helps make you feel a little better. We aren't the ones that are wrong  :D Big hugs to you!!

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daughterofbpd

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2018, 04:20:07 PM »
LSK1999,
I feel for you. The covert stuff drives me bonkers. If you say anything then you sound like the crazy one! My mom spent the entire day trying to compete with me, being overly showy about being a better mother to my child then I was (and yet so clearly didn't understand my child's needs). I know she only pushes me down to lift herself up but the message is still that I am inadequate as a mom as she makes a show of trying to do everything "better." And then when I could barely contain my frustration and left, she texts me telling me that I am the best mom. So her actions are completely deniable. So frustrating. I hope she enjoyed her visit because she isn't getting another for awhile.

truthseeker4life,
I'm so sorry, that sounds hurtful. My mom also feels the need to "win." My Sis apparently hurt her by asking to change some future plans to a different weekend. So plans are all set for that weekend and all of a sudden my mom blurts out "Sorry, we aren't going to be able to make it!" with a really stupid excuse. It was pretty clear, Sis hurt her so she was trying to hurt Sis back. So dumb. It isn't a contest. On the upside, I got out of spending a weekend with all of them.  :tongue2:
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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daughterofbpd

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2018, 04:25:24 PM »
Oh how I can relate to this headline, LSK1999 ...

It was the last FIVE MINUTES of my interaction with three PD family members on Mother's Day that set off total emotional destruction for me today. I feel non-functional - I suppose because the fear my NF induces in me triggered a big fat Emotional Flashback. I don't feel like I can function today. My soul feels demolished.

EVERYTHING you described is what I just went through yesterday (in another thread) - in my case from both NF & BM. How DO you call someone out for a tone of voice? Exactly, exactly, exactly. And the comparison thing "oh your cousin called me and was SO thankful to me!!!" (for some thing she helped cousin out with.)

I am so sorry you are going through this too. I can totally relate and yes always pointing out how other people are soooo much better than you without coming out and saying it is also very destructive tool of manipulation used by my NM. My therapist reminds me all the time that I am dealing with a MASTER of manipulation and that she has spent years crafting this skill. Not to mention the fact that we have been conditioned to go along with their beliefs since we were born. Just know that though your soul feels demolished, it is not. I fully believe that is the one thing they can't ever destroy. It's getting through all the layers of abuse and brainwashing to get down to who we really are and who we were really meant to be that's the hardest part. We are worth it, we deserve it, and we are not the ones who are ill. We are being punished by them for being healthy and normal and expecting for things to be the way they are in any other normal healthy family. We are responding to abuse the way anyone would. I hope this helps make you feel a little better. We aren't the ones that are wrong  :D Big hugs to you!!
Yes!!! BPDm figured out I wasn't going to put up with her referring to me as a loser anymore so now she just brags incessantly about Sis in front of me and doesn't ask a thing about what I'm doing. Whatever. At least I can see past that to recognize my own accomplishments now.

Thank you for these posts. It is really making me feel better. I was feeling pretty down today.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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LSK1999

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2018, 04:50:42 PM »
LSK1999,
I feel for you. The covert stuff drives me bonkers. If you say anything then you sound like the crazy one! My mom spent the entire day trying to compete with me, being overly showy about being a better mother to my child then I was (and yet so clearly didn't understand my child's needs). I know she only pushes me down to lift herself up but the message is still that I am inadequate as a mom as she makes a show of trying to do everything "better." And then when I could barely contain my frustration and left, she texts me telling me that I am the best mom. So her actions are completely deniable. So frustrating. I hope she enjoyed her visit because she isn't getting another for awhile.

Hi daughter, thanks for this comment. I forget that my NPD mom truly does view me in some sick way as her competition. I learned that early on in my journey OOTF and tend to forget that. I am not sure if this is the same with other PD's but NM's definitely tend to view their daughters as if they are in some sick form of winning over them. My mother shockingly admitted to this without my prompting one day when I was first coming OOTF. She said to me " I was always jealous of you even when you were little, people always liked you more than me". This statement really said everything. She was envious of her small child??? I couldn't wrap my mind around this and clearly still have a tough time with it. I have many many emotions related to raising my daughters, yet envy was never one of them? It says so much about her horrendous treatment of me as a child and as an adult. If she really thought I was beating her in some imaginary competition of course she would treat me the way she did. When she told me she had always been jealous of me I responded with " Mom, it's not normal for a mother to be jealous of her child" and she physically reacted like I had slapped her and then quickly changed the subject.

How sad it is that I spent years trying to win her love and approval and all the while she was looking at me as someone stealing her attention and her thunder. I think this is so hard for us because we can't even wrap our normal minds around the horribly distorted views of reality that PD's have. Accepting that their views are truly disturbed and dysfunctional and accepting how badly this has harmed us is the only way Out of the FOG. Thanks again for your post....big hugs and best wishes to you :D

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MyEyesROpen

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2018, 06:19:55 AM »
Well done! I've think you've just hit the nail on the head LSK1999.  :yeahthat:

NM's view their scapegoat daughters as love rivals. They don't see them as loved daughters. They don't feel affection for them.  They don't feel proud of their achievements or abilities. They just feel jealous of them. And this can start really early.

I had exactly the same experience as you. My NM saw me competition for her husbands affection. I was never allowed to spend any time with my own father. She owned him and she didn't share.....and he went along with it because it fed his sick ego too.

Thank you for this revelation. It makes so much sense.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who fill your cup, and those who drain it. —Joe Navarro

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LSK1999

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2018, 10:30:10 AM »
Well done! I've think you've just hit the nail on the head LSK1999.  :yeahthat:

NM's view their scapegoat daughters as love rivals. They don't see them as loved daughters. They don't feel affection for them.  They don't feel proud of their achievements or abilities. They just feel jealous of them. And this can start really early.

I had exactly the same experience as you. My NM saw me competition for her husbands affection. I was never allowed to spend any time with my own father. She owned him and she didn't share.....and he went along with it because it fed his sick ego too.

Thank you for this revelation. It makes so much sense.

Thanks for your comment it helped me too because it led me to yet another horrible realization about my NM...lol. She had a boyfriend that lived with us for most of my adolescence. He was horribly abusive to my brothers and I, but especially me. For some sick reason I was his favorite target. She never stood up for me or protected me from him, until I got older. I am seeing now her frustration and rage at him for targeting me that suddenly developed when I was older had nothing to do with protecting me, but was her rage at him paying attention to me.....(How sick is this)...it's the truth though. Why would she allow her 11 year old daughter to be abused without question but then when said daughter turns 16 it's off the table?? I am so disgusted right now...thanks for this though it's just steps farther and farther Out of the FOG.

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LightOrb

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2018, 12:04:28 PM »
I had exactly the same experience as you. My NM saw me competition for her husbands affection. I was never allowed to spend any time with my own father. She owned him and she didn't share.....and he went along with it because it fed his sick ego too.

My M did the same thing, but she was very covert about it. My guess is that she knew it was not right to be jealous of me, so she did her best to pretend she didn't care when I was a teenager and got very close to my F. But she resented me and tried to prevent us from being together. And he resisted her because I gave him oh so much narc supply by triangulation...

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Tigerelen

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2018, 08:57:07 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this as well but This is so helpful, Thankyou for posting.
I have only recently realised my M is a nm, and,  at 61, I am still being treated as a 5 year old.  Last month I was ordered out of her house with comments shouted at me ‘you never do anything for me’. ‘You always are so sensitive’. ‘oh don’t be so ridiculous’  and ‘ it’s best if we have very little to do with each other’
Sooooo. - I’ve gone lc, phoning every other day, keeping it light. Today I relented and took her shopping so favourite son could visit at weeekend. Expected some comment/ backlash etc but ... nothing!  I’d love to go nc but my guilt is too fierce atm. she is 91 but still has a vice like grip over me. This forum is a lifeline. Thankyou

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LSK1999

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2018, 11:33:11 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this as well but This is so helpful, Thankyou for posting.
I have only recently realised my M is a nm, and,  at 61, I am still being treated as a 5 year old.  Last month I was ordered out of her house with comments shouted at me ‘you never do anything for me’. ‘You always are so sensitive’. ‘oh don’t be so ridiculous’  and ‘ it’s best if we have very little to do with each other’
Sooooo. - I’ve gone lc, phoning every other day, keeping it light. Today I relented and took her shopping so favourite son could visit at weeekend. Expected some comment/ backlash etc but ... nothing!  I’d love to go nc but my guilt is too fierce atm. she is 91 but still has a vice like grip over me. This forum is a lifeline. Thankyou

Welcome to OOTF, you will find here you are most definitely not alone. My mother treats my brothers and I like we are 5 as well. We are 42, 40, and 36. I only began to come out of the proverbial fog about 2 years ago. I have C-PTSD from my mothers covert abuse that lasted for a lifetime. It's such a relief to learn that it was never really us, but it also comes with a whole lot of grief and anger. Many of us don't begin to come Out of the FOG until we are in anywhere from 40's to 60's. If I only knew back then what I know now...life certainly would have been a lot different. I mean I would have gotten out of dodge the minute I turned 18 and never looked back...lol. Guilt is my mother's favorite weapon of choice. It's also why it's part of the FOG...Fear-Obligation-Guilt. We were supposed to be the ones cared for by them, and not the other way around. I am glad you are here and know this place truly is a lifeline. Everyone here gets it...we are members of a club no one should ever have to belong to...Glad your here. Best wishes on your journey to healing.

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FreyaRussell

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2018, 08:03:27 AM »
Well, not really, but thank you anyway!  And thank you for sharing.  I had a few rough days too, and the things that help me the most are time passing from the event, and coming here to read and share with the only people that truly get it.

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DustyMemories

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #17 on: May 17, 2018, 11:14:51 AM »
The Phone Call. I recognise it well. The phone call that destroys my sense of balance and any sense of confidence that I am recovering. Afterwards I shake with rage and anxiety, feeling like a stranger has violently invaded my personal space, utterly convinced I'm a horrible person for reacting this way. Then comes the guilt and depression. I flip between these emotions, sometimes experiencing them all at once. I end up exhausted and drained. I'm useless for hours, if not the rest of the day.

I know how you feel, LSK1999. I am now NC with my mother and don't respond to her phone calls, but I understand that's not possible for everyone. I have no real advice, as I never learned to manage the Phone Call before going NC. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

 :bighug:

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LSK1999

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Re: One ten minute phone call destroys my day.....frustrated and angry
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2018, 02:12:11 AM »
The Phone Call. I recognise it well. The phone call that destroys my sense of balance and any sense of confidence that I am recovering. Afterwards I shake with rage and anxiety, feeling like a stranger has violently invaded my personal space, utterly convinced I'm a horrible person for reacting this way. Then comes the guilt and depression. I flip between these emotions, sometimes experiencing them all at once. I end up exhausted and drained. I'm useless for hours, if not the rest of the day.

I know how you feel, LSK1999. I am now NC with my mother and don't respond to her phone calls, but I understand that's not possible for everyone. I have no real advice, as I never learned to manage the Phone Call before going NC. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

 :bighug:

Thanks for your response. I did much better with a call yesterday. I realized during this phone call how crazy her behavior is. She spent most of the time telling me how I felt and how everybody else felt and I could see clearly the manipulation at work. Instead of getting scared, I got angry. Anger is an emotion that I much prefer to fear...lol. I am finding it harder and harder to listen to her without screaming at her. I don't know if this is good or bad...lol. All I know is that I am about fed up of listening to her ridiculous take on everything. Thanks for your post...and hugs to you too  :)