Nice one, ex

  • 9 Replies
  • 214 Views
*

Associate of Daniel

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 800
Nice one, ex
« on: May 14, 2018, 08:40:39 AM »
Ds arrived home very upset tonight after being with his u/npd father.

I finally managed to drag out of him that his Dad says I keep putting him (ds) in the middle and that I'm mentally ill.  He also told him that we're going to mediation about the lack of agreement regarding ds's secondary schooling.

The poor kid.

Thankfully I was able to calm him and keep things light.  He went to bed his usual cheery self.

I reassured him that I'm not upset by his Dad's comments, that I'm not mentally ill and that he doesn't need to worry about me.

I managed not to tell him that his father is just projecting. That he's the one who's mentally ill.

Did I do good?

AOD

*

Whiteheron

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1852
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2018, 09:30:19 AM »
Absolutely! You reassured him that you are not mentally ill and that he doesn't need to worry about you (which my kids do constantly). You put his mind at ease. Best of all, you can follow this up by your consistent, loving, stable behaviors.

I'm sure DS deep down knows that you are not putting him in the middle. I am astonished at the cruelty some PDs will use in order to manipulate their kids or to get to us through the kids. Don't they realize the damage they're causing? (completely rhetorical, since I know they can't see past themselves).
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

*

athene1399

  • New Member
  • *
  • 26
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 12:07:58 PM »
I think you did great too! ;)

*

LucilleBluth

  • New Member
  • *
  • 20
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2018, 08:37:04 PM »
Isn't that alienation? That was (and still is) my NPDex's favorite go-to, telling people I was/am mentally ill so nobody believed me if I talked about his abuse.

*

Associate of Daniel

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 800
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 01:21:20 AM »
It sure is Parental Alienation. Not much I can do about it though.

The whole accusation of me putting ds11 in the middle is because of 3 things:

I've started to discuss things with him (ds) more. Eg: a choice of school for his secondary years. And to let him know what's happening in the process of such decisions.

I've started to stand up for myself more when an over the top or untrue accusation has been told to ds. I've just explained the reality/truth.  This has the effect of ds starting to see some of his u/npd father and nSmum's craziness.

Part of that is me no longer trying to explain and justify their decisions/behaviour to ds. It's exhausting to keep doing that.  I've been doing it for 18 years. Time to stop.

Thirdly, I'm trying to assure ds that I'm ok. That what his Dad and Smum do/say doesn't upset me. And through that to teach him how to discern what's important to deal with and what's not. How to let things go and not be upset.

I make mistakes of course.

But according to u/npd exH and his nwife I'm just one big mistake anyway.

Ho hum.

AOD

*

Whiteheron

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1852
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 06:02:15 AM »
I think you are doing all the right things. I also have an 11 year old, and any potential changes in her schooling are discussed with her.

She is having a hard time coming to terms with some of stbx's behaviors. I no longer try to justify them, I listen and offer advice. Most of the time I say "I don't know why he does/says that"

I reassure both kids that the don't have to worry about me (stbx isn't telling them I'm mentally ill, but he's been telling other people).

I hate the games they play.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

*

redfish

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 565
  • straight outta Oz
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 12:37:08 PM »
It sounds like you did very well, and your DS ending his day on a positive note is always good. I think you used wisdom and discretion :-)
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

*

lightupthere

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 366
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2018, 05:00:20 PM »
You did super. Keeping calm demonstrates that you are healthy and stable for your child. The ex is trying to provoke you. To make drama. Well done.

*

Associate of Daniel

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 800
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2018, 08:49:19 PM »
Thanks, Everyone.

I will say the accusation of being mentally ill has thrown me.

U/npd exH has told me before that (according to him) I have NPD. But as far as I know hs's never mentioned the mental illness card to ds before.

I'm able to assure ds through my behaviour and consistency that I am not mentally ill but I'm really hurting for him that he's been put in this position.

I'm not angry, so much. It's the sort of thing I expect of ex. I'm just really hurting for my boy.

And I could tell ds about his father's actual diagnoses of depression and anxiety and of his meds. But I don't.

What is it? What I know about him is far worse than what he says about me.
Or something like that.

AOD

*

Medowynd

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 310
Re: Nice one, ex
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2018, 03:11:28 AM »
I think you did a great job.  No longer covering up for the ex and his wife is also excellent.  We know that old saw:  Hoist on his own petard.  Your son is getting older and your ex and his wife are learning that your son is no longer so malleable and willing to listen to ex's explanations without challenging them.  I would continue to affirm your son when he expresses his own opinions about his schooling or any other aspect of his life.

From your son's point of view, who will he go to with a problem or a concern?  The person that always tells him that his opinion does not count and father knows best, or a mother that values his thoughts and opinions, even when they are not what you favor.  My husband loves our daughters, (now grown and gone for many years) but they always were much more comfortable speaking to me, because I was open and nonjudgmental.

Your son is really noticing the differences and will be more vocal as he grows.  I doubt if your ex is ready for the years ahead with the challenges of adolescence.