when your PD mom says I love you!!

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elly87

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when your PD mom says I love you!!
« on: May 14, 2018, 06:05:10 PM »
I am wondering if anyone else here is in the same boat as me...

my mother says 'I love you' on every phone call. I have not returned that sentiment in many years and she continues to say it and then pauses in the hopes that I will return it. My mother and I have a long history, she beat me and verbally abused me regularly as a child and has treated me like a nonentity with no rights as an adult. She likes to pretend things never happened so she says 'I love you' and hopes ill just return it. I can't. it honestly makes my stomach churn to hear her say it and I so wish she would take the hint and just stop. it is so fake and it makes a mockery of the entire phrase in my opinion. that is NOT what love looks like and I despise her painting it that way. anyone else hear these sappy, nauseating sentiments from parents who couldn't possibly know what love is?

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MindyMoon

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2018, 06:52:09 PM »
Hi sorry that you are going through this.

My mother for as long as I could remember never hugged, kissed, or told me she loved me.  I think from the age of 7 when you can start remembering things, my mom would never cuddle me or say loving things to me at all.  I never thought too much of this as a kid, because she fed me and clothed me.  The thing is my mom never had any conversations with me, never played with me or told me anything caring or sweet or encouraging.  She did all the xyz.  When I became a teen - I then became her friend - she would share gossip and things and I would be wrapped up in her drama with her friends and problems.  Still no I love you and never did she touch me.

After therapy and some crazy moments in my life - I was told my mom could be BPD with Narc traits.   Things got bad when I started unraveling her lies and triangulation.  My mom loves to say she loves me on Facebook where people and her "fans" can see.  After I went low contact and there was this huge reveal about her lies and my siblings and I confronted our father in hopes that he would see it - my mom found out about it and now she will says she loves me out of no where - it is strained and it feels really weird.  Like these are words she knows she should say and so she says them, but there is nothing there. 

I feel pretty sick when I hear it.

On my wedding day she couldn't say it.  She couldn't even say I looked beautiful or muster up a tear.  Or hug me.  so I know that it is fake now, she is trying to fix her image that we tarnished by revealing her true self.

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JustKathy

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 07:54:24 PM »
My Nmother died when I was 55, and in those 55 years she never once told me she loved me. My enFather is still living but has also never told me he loves me. In a way, I'm glad they didn't. If my N mother had told me she loved me, I would have known it was fake, and probably done to impress others. I would have been sick to my stomach and never could have returned the sentiment. If she had said it in public, I might have replied with an ambiguous "me too," but could never have brought myself to say "I love you." I can't imagine those words ever coming out of my mouth. They would have been a lie. :'(

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LSK1999

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2018, 09:20:08 PM »
I can totally relate to the sickness in your stomach when she says I love you. My mother told us repeatedly and still does how very much she loves us. Which in my opinion was the most damaging aspect of her neglect and abuse of us. Her actions have never matched her words, and it took me so very long to see that it makes me want to scream. Nothing she ever did to me was loving. I have not one childhood memory of her ever hugging, or holding, or comforting me. I could never understand why as an adult any of her awkward requests for hugs of displays of affection (usually in front of other people) made me feel physically ill. I totally understand why now. Her mother once told her she loved her so in my mother's mind just by saying those words she was being a good mother.

In my opinion I would have been much better off if she were more like her mother. Her mother was blatantly mean, crude, and self-centered we all knew she was awful. My mother's covert ways were confusing and still are (although not quite as often) and she has managed to fool a great many people. Everyone always thought my mom was fantastic, and this led me to believe for certain that it was me that was awful as she said I was. They didn't see her rage filled abuse aimed at her helpless and terrified children behind the closed doors of our home. I truly believed that it was all my brother's and I fault. We were bad and horrible children for expecting to be able to cry when we got hurt, or when we were scared or sick. Any need we expressed was met with her rage, telling us we were so awful we were going to kill her with the stress. We were good kids, totally normal, horribly neglected and abused by our mother and abandoned by our father. So either of my parents saying they love me leaves me with a sick and painful feeling right in my center. Your not alone, sending you hugs and best wishes xx

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truthseeker4life

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2018, 02:08:36 AM »
I can relate.

My mom is an ignoring covert narcissist. She has everyone fooled. She goes to church everyday. Meanwhile she badmouths each sibling to the other and tells convenient lies that away make her appear the victim and others the perpetrator.

We haven't "talked" for 2 years since I called her out on her stuff. She called and said "I'm sorry" and I had the guts to say "for what"  after which she basically said she wasn't sorry, never did anything, wasnt going to change and it was all my fault. Glad I asked!

It was a real turning point for me. Wow. This is messed up. She is messsed up. I am not crazy. I wouldn't make any of this stuff up yet here she is telling me "I said that?" and "you deserved it as u gave me a dirty look"

So I see her at family functions and she goes out of her way to hug me and say I love you but only when others are really close and they can witness it. Otherwise she has not picked up a phone to call me in 2 years other than for my birthday (I didn't even pick up the obligatory phone call this year) or to report a death in the family.

So when she hugs me I never say I love u back and I never hug her. I am sure I look like a b because most dont know thr history and she has every one fooled.

Really when she hugs me and tells me she loves me only in front of others it feels like emotional rape.

I so badly in that moment want to whisper to her "then act like it!"

But since I am not a 5 year old like her I don't go there.

Perhaps I should.

Again. Fantasy comebacks. I love to imagine them.

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all4peace

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2018, 02:16:52 AM »
I've had an actual nightmare in which uNBPD (after months of NC) sees me again for the first time and violently and aggressively tries to hug me. There's something deeply emotionally upsetting about having forced physical contact or forced words like "I love you" thrown at us, and nothing about them feels true. There's this expectation to respond in kind, even when every part of us doesn't want to at all.

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carrots

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2018, 07:02:22 AM »
I don't even write "Love" at the bottom of letters to FOO. They do to me. I can't to them. It feels like a betrayal of myself, my feelings. So I don't.

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LightOrb

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2018, 09:58:59 AM »
Since I don't remember my childhood, there is always a crazy part of my mind telling me that perhaps things were not that bad. That if I don't remember my M being physically affectionate with me, that doesn't mean she wasn't. But, you see, I have one memory of us, me sitting on the floor with my head touching her knees, and her petting my hair. It is a sweet memory, however not only it's the only one i have, but the memory also includes my surprise and delight for such a special occasion. N

Now she tells me all the time that she loves me. Well, before NC. Many times I couldn't really reply back. She still doesn't touch much, but when she has tried to touch my hand, I just leave mine there, not moving. It is so uncomfortable. I don't think she does it for the show, there is usually nobody around when she tries. But I don't think she realizes how impossible it is now. As LSK said, her behavior was never loving, she never cared about Me, she only cared to ensure I was a virgin when married. She pretended or really believed, I don't know and care, that this meant protecting me, but last year has shown me that she never cared about my emotional health, and crippled me in ways I will never be free of. For example, I am sort of touch averting, and that is traced directly back to her.

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One

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2018, 11:24:02 AM »
In my late twenties my mother wanted us to start saying I love you, because other mothers and daughters say it to eachother; therefore, we should start saying it to eachother. 
Enjoy the silence.

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wisingup

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2018, 11:34:51 AM »
I find my mom's "I Love You"s alternatively threatening, or else a kind of challenge or dare. 

Threatening because I feel like she's marking me as hers.  It feels engulfing and smothering. 

Challenging because I feel like she's trying to make me say it back.  I used to sometimes & it always felt like it had been taken from me involuntarily, like she had "won" somehow if she got me to say it and the power balance had shifted toward her.

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daughter

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2018, 11:51:00 AM »
My NBM rarely said "I love you".  She certainly didn't express it in her words and actions.  Those instances that I recall when she said "I love you", it seems tied to something that elicited a "significant life-reckoning moment" for her.  I think she'd say it to make herself feel better.  I don't think she meant it as I-love-you-Daughter, more like a "keep your fingers crossed, wish me luck" verbalized superstition.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 11:53:47 AM by daughter »

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daughterofbpd

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2018, 03:31:44 PM »
I can totally relate to the sickness in your stomach when she says I love you. My mother told us repeatedly and still does how very much she loves us. Which in my opinion was the most damaging aspect of her neglect and abuse of us. Her actions have never matched her words, and it took me so very long to see that it makes me want to scream. Nothing she ever did to me was loving. I have not one childhood memory of her ever hugging, or holding, or comforting me. I could never understand why as an adult any of her awkward requests for hugs of displays of affection (usually in front of other people) made me feel physically ill. I totally understand why now. Her mother once told her she loved her so in my mother's mind just by saying those words she was being a good mother.

In my opinion I would have been much better off if she were more like her mother. Her mother was blatantly mean, crude, and self-centered we all knew she was awful. My mother's covert ways were confusing and still are (although not quite as often) and she has managed to fool a great many people. Everyone always thought my mom was fantastic, and this led me to believe for certain that it was me that was awful as she said I was. They didn't see her rage filled abuse aimed at her helpless and terrified children behind the closed doors of our home. I truly believed that it was all my brother's and I fault. We were bad and horrible children for expecting to be able to cry when we got hurt, or when we were scared or sick. Any need we expressed was met with her rage, telling us we were so awful we were going to kill her with the stress. We were good kids, totally normal, horribly neglected and abused by our mother and abandoned by our father. So either of my parents saying they love me leaves me with a sick and painful feeling right in my center. Your not alone, sending you hugs and best wishes xx
Same here
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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Frazzled

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2018, 03:52:44 PM »
My uBPD ex-"friend" also said something along those lines, that I was one of "the greatest friends he ever had" and that he does make changes like not touching alcohol. I knew that was BS because he still stuck to his old destructive habits from what I heard from my MIL and still can't take no for an answer.

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SE7

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2018, 04:04:47 PM »
I've had an actual nightmare in which uNBPD (after months of NC) sees me again for the first time and violently and aggressively tries to hug me. There's something deeply emotionally upsetting about having forced physical contact or forced words like "I love you" thrown at us, and nothing about them feels true. There's this expectation to respond in kind, even when every part of us doesn't want to at all.

How you described this here is exactly what I go through with BPDm. It's an engulfing, smothering type of vibe that makes me want to run away if she attempts to touch/hug me or say I love you - I always feel forced. And she always sounds like she says the i love yous as a desperate attempt to have me respond in kind. I usually feel obligated to say it back so I do, but the feeling is not there.

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Danie

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2018, 04:53:44 PM »
I actually thought I was alone in this. I have zero memory of my mother loving me, holding me, cuddling me, touching me, reading to me.....nothing. I remember when she was changing my diapers and holding my legs up in the air to shove the cloth diaper under my bum her saying "this has got to stop". Then she let my legs just drop, she just let them go. I also remember her poking me with diaper pins when she changed my diapers. She was very careless and they poked me as she put them in the diaper.

She has said "I love you" now that she is alone and it sounds like a question. Makes me sick. I think she does love her children on some level, (I could be wrong) but it feels so conditional. Like, if I loved her back it would be an unbearable burden to listen to her problems. I would feel trapped.

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Shockwave

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2018, 04:24:43 AM »
This is a special one for me, so I had to come out of the shadows for this.

My uBPD/uNPD mother still says this to me. If you know my history (posted on here), you know that this is not accurate. Notice I didn't say it was full of it. I said it wasn't accurate. I've come to learn that their own definition of love is whatever they want it to be to entertain their own insecurities and neurosis. Love, to them, is more defined by the emotion, not the verb, and definitely not the action. About a year and a half ago, I came to the cold, sad, and depressing realization that my family-of-origin never loved me, and never will. At the time, I was talking to one of my best friends who has known me well for over 15 years, and has heard some of the horrible things my family have said and done to me. I broke down and cried during that phone conversation. It was rough, but I managed to get through it with her help.

With lots of therapy and lots of drugs, and lots of introspection and thinking and evaluation of myself, and them and actions on both parties, and everything in context, I have changed, and evolved over time. Their interpretation of love is flawed, putting it mildly. It can vary from person to person, and even moment to moment with some uPD people. I now view my mother as a flawed person. Does she love me? I don't really care. I don't trust her, or want anything other than a cordial, superficial relationship with her, because anyone and everyone who has been exposed to her real persona knows what she is. Truth be told, I don't mind not having that even, and that is a wonderful place to be, when you can take it or leave it. Ultimately, in due time, I can leave it and be at complete and utter peace. :)
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
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DustyMemories

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2018, 04:58:11 AM »
I am wondering if anyone else here is in the same boat as me...

my mother says 'I love you' on every phone call. I have not returned that sentiment in many years and she continues to say it and then pauses in the hopes that I will return it. My mother and I have a long history, she beat me and verbally abused me regularly as a child and has treated me like a nonentity with no rights as an adult. She likes to pretend things never happened so she says 'I love you' and hopes ill just return it. I can't. it honestly makes my stomach churn to hear her say it and I so wish she would take the hint and just stop. it is so fake and it makes a mockery of the entire phrase in my opinion. that is NOT what love looks like and I despise her painting it that way. anyone else hear these sappy, nauseating sentiments from parents who couldn't possibly know what love is?

I'm NC now but back when I was still in contact with my mother I was in the exact same situation as you are. I couldn't say it back and retain my personal integrity. I don't feel any love for the woman. I don't think I really have since my late teens, although it took many years for me to be able to say "I don't love my mother" out loud. I couldn't even confess it in writing for a while.

So yes, I get it. Totally.

Edit: When my mother says "I love you" it comes across as a guilt trip. It sounds normal to other people but is entirely loaded to me.
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 05:02:09 AM by DustyMemories »

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Peace Lily

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #17 on: May 22, 2018, 12:13:32 AM »
My mother never said she loved me until one day when I was already in my 50s and she sent me a text intended for my father. I hadn't come Out of the FOG and just thought we were not the kind of family to show our feelings and never questioned the lack of hugs etc. I jokingly said I knew the text was for Dad as she never said that she loved me, and since then she hasn't stopped telling me! I couldn't brig myself to say it back like so many of you. It just sounds so fake - not just "I love you", but " I do so love you" I so love you" I love you so very much" it makes me want to scream! Just realised, she has never ever said it to my face only in emails and cards! Thank you for your post- I now know I'm not alone in this and neither are you. I think we are normal in not being able to love are parents - normal for children of Ns and Bd people  :bigwink:
"It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind". Aisha Mirza

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UsedUp

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #18 on: May 22, 2018, 12:45:56 AM »
In my late 40's, and before NC, something prompted me to point blank ask my egg donor if she even loved me. Her reply? "I'm supposed to love you... you're my daughter."

Hell, even animals take care of their young better than these people do.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: when your PD mom says I love you!!
« Reply #19 on: May 22, 2018, 02:50:33 AM »
UnBPD Didi and unNPD Ray used to say it regularly, but their actions and words showed they didn't mean it, and when I said it back, I didn't mean it.  They were just empty words, to match their empty words.   :blank:

One thing that REALLY bugged me was kisses on the lips.  That's fine when you're five, but when you're 50?  HELL NO!   :aaauuugh: :barfy:

One of the first changes I made was buzzes on the cheek ONLY.  I didn't say anything - I just did it, and would maneuver so I couldn't be grabbed and latched on to, which was one of my biggest fears.

Didi had never done it, but with that one change, my body sensed something my mind hadn't quite worked out and acted in my best interests.   :)

You know...in the last few months  of phone calls I had with Didi, she never said she loved me.  She was too busy waifing that she was soooooo siiiiiiiiiiick, I NEVER came over and I NEVER called - when I was the one who called her.   :roll:   She was too concerned with getting her supply to even feign being nice and paying lip service to the words, "I love you."

I'd Medium Chill her, and she'd slam the phone down in less than 5 minutes, with no, "I love you" to be found.

Ray...okay.  First, let's just preface this with psychotic, and probably has been his entire adult life.  That's from the good folks at the nursing home, which is why this now makes SENSE:

Ray could go from, "I love you honey..." to, "You son of a bitch!  What the hell did you do with the forms I had on my desk!?  I'm gonna kill you!!" - in less than 10 seconds!   :aaauuugh:

He'd been like that ever since I was small.  He loves me, but he's gonna kill me.   :???:

Sometimes he'd tell me how he was going to kill me - the usual ways they all say - but I don't want to get dinged for content.  :bigwink:

I knew he never meant it and just put it down to Ray being Ray - but those words are incredibly abusive, especially when he'd just said, "I love you," to me not even half an hour - or two minutes - prior.   >:(

I think they both used the words because that's what you're supposed to say and as a *crumb* to keep me coming back for more abuse.  When that crumb stopped working, the *real* Didi and Ray made an appearance - Didi, waifing for a supply and slamming the phone down when she didn't get one, and Ray just being plain *nasty* and making demands for me to take him home RIGHT NOW or get over there and DO MY JOB!

The three words were the carrot.  The carrot stopped working, so it was all stick, from that point on.

Once they stopped saying the words, I stopped saying them - and I felt *better* about myself, because even though they were empty words, they still felt like a lie.

I was seeing the REAL them, unfiltered - and they didn't know the meaning of the word "love."

 :hug: