What is the worst that can happen?

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SeaSalt

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What is the worst that can happen?
« on: May 16, 2018, 02:43:58 PM »
Hi everybody. I have a minimun contact with my Nmother. She is covert and in my opinion has the highest degree of NPD, a real psychopath. She has total absence of empathy. In the past her husband (at that time lover) and she tried to fisically harm my father (push his car out of the road). They never shared anything that has been happening in their lives with me but I know what everybody knows: if somebody comes in their way, they have no limits.
I live several states away, I am completely indipendent of them. My stepfather has done some milder form of child sexual abuse to me and since i connected the dots last year I am in total NC with him. My mother knows it and she does not mention it (its been 8 months now) and just ignores the subject.
She is very covert and writes me that she loves me etc. but I dont belive it and i keep my distance firmly. I have done 2 years of NC but had too many FM and hoovering attemts that finally this way of just responding shortly to her msg once in a while results much easier. Hopefully she will give me silence treatment again and than we can stop even this small talk.
My question is: am I wrong to worry about what can she do in her rage?
I already assured that she can not harm directly my husband and child (my child does not speak any common language with her), we have different last names, he barely knows her, in the state where we live, we are very protected. I have a great reputation, never had problems with law or anything, so I doubt that she could invent anything that could really harm us. But I am worried she could harm my father.
she hates me for exsisiting and him as well. she hates the fact that him and I have a great realationship. now he used to live in another state but he is coming back to the same state. he is not provocating her in any kind of way, he never talks to anybody about her. he is a man that lives in his world and does not bother anybody. but i am affraid that she might want to hurt me by hurting him. she thinks that I am stronger because i have him by my side. I am affraid that she would see this as an opportunity to weaken my position. Am I paranoid? How far pathological narcissist go? is there anything i can do to avoid her doing the worst? perhaps we could keep our relationship me and my father, secret?
Any insight of yours will be very much appreciated.

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Memyself

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Re: What is the worst that can happen?
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 07:08:11 PM »
 :bighug:  I don't have much to offer by way of advice or what is the worst that could happen...I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your fears of how low they will stoop to make life miserable for you and those you love.

Looking forward to others weighing in as this topic hits close to home for me.

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all4peace

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Re: What is the worst that can happen?
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 09:46:45 PM »
You say she already tried to harm your father by forcing his vehicle off the road, and that he molested you sexually. I'd say they've shown they have the willingness to harm another individual and I would give the opinion that your choice of NC is a good and reasonable one for you and your family. Stay safe, and keep your family safe!

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Groundhog Day

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Re: What is the worst that can happen?
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 10:25:46 PM »
My M has switched to psychosis stage since my F passed away over 2 years ago. Was was diagnosed with BPD and N but over time, her subconcience make her believe the worst in everyone. And when I say everyone I mean children and grand children.Her anger and hate within herself is so strong but she truly beleives she has lots of friends and people would want to befriend her because she is a widow and her children are sooo nasty to her.

Last year, when I would not answer her calls, she left a message stating she would contact elderly abuse and report me. I do not take her threat lightly since she has acted on some revenge scheme before. Her drivers licence was revoqued over a year ago and 2 weeks ago she still took her car and drove 11 hours away to her camping trailer. But still called my brother and claimed it would be his fault if she gets stop by the police. I could tell you more horror stories as she went to great length to destroy her sibblings and mother

So you are not paranoid when you beleive how far your M could destroy someone in order to ger back at them. In a psychosis state, she's capable of anything to get her way. Crying in dispair one minute and suddenly screaming in anger with threats. Any relationship you cherish should be protected. The less she knows, the better it is. The meer mention of your F will trigger an outburst on her part with "true" justification of a betrayal on your part. In her mind, your F and yourself are conniving against her so she better get you first and start the verbal attack first.

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Starboard_Song

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Re: What is the worst that can happen?
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2018, 07:05:06 AM »
We don't know much about your details, of course, but I'd offer this generalization:

There is no reason to call you paranoid. It is reasonable to fear a dangerous or disruptive lashing out. With this situation and personality type, lashing out is plausible.

But in the absence of more details I'd say this: investing energy in the gnashing of teeth is unlikely to improve your security, and is more likely to keep you in a needless state of vigilance, and concomitant stress and anxiety.

- Continue to not share personal information.
- Provide reasonable physical security for your home.
- Learn and apply online security.
- Communicate with childcare about who may pick up your child.
- Lock your family's credit with all of the major Credit Bureaus.

And then move on. Don't be googling them, or fretting over it. If you let the stress and anxiety eat you up, there'll be a, like, 90% chance that they aren't even thinking about you, while they continue to create damage in absentia.

Truly, that is only letting the bad guys win.
Healing From Family Rifts, by Mark Sichel
Stop Walking on Egshells, by Paul Mason
Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristen Neff
Mindful Self-Compassion classes (look them up)
Mindfulness, by Mark Williams
Life on the Mississippi, by Mark Twain

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daughter

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Re: What is the worst that can happen?
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2018, 08:13:21 AM »
I'm assuming your father knows your mother attempt to harm him years ago.  If not, I'd tell him.  I'm also assuming your father is capable of managing his own affairs, making rational decisions, isn't susceptible to your mother's manipulations.  Likely your father is able to be wary and distant from your mother.

That said, I'd continue to maintain fierce boundaries with your mother, meaning zero response to her hoovers and provocations, no family information provided to her, absolute NC silence.  A high-functioning sociopath can do significant harm to those they target, and best defense is to remain out of target-reach.  I'm NC with my malevolent NBM and "boss of you" enNF; therapist at time of my NC decision termed my parents as "high-functioning sociopath NPD personalities", meaning not only obvious self-centered selfish self-entitled folks, but also unempathetic-tyrannical-manipulative people who are willing and able to bring genuine harm to people, whether acquaintances or relatives.  I was the Safe Target, their disfavored albeit obedient and compliant "good girl/dutiful daughter" SG.  My NBM's blatant disdain and unquestionable dislike towards me was obvious.  My enNF's casual disregard and tacit enabling of NBM's Big Bad Behavior was equally obvious.  Sometimes our parents are so pd-disordered, so emotionally-harming, that our only viable option is NC with fierce boundaries.  Radio Silence.  You've done the legwork, now maintain your resolute detachment from her.  Your father is not likely to be a conduit for your mother to "Get at You" unless you unintentionally somehow offer that idea to her. 
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 08:16:50 AM by daughter »