Bpd mil at it again

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Endeavor

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Bpd mil at it again
« on: May 16, 2018, 09:31:40 AM »
Hi guys. I've not had to post for a year, and what a lovely year it's been! My dh and I cut off his emotionally manipulative mother after years of abuse, grandparent rights threats, all the usual goodies. So for a year she continued sending guilt tripping emails but we blocked her and my husband occasionly looked. They were all the things we have come to expect here in the Out of the FOG world : health scares, inheritance stuff, etc.

Anyway, after a few months of actual silence,  my husband thought he could reach out to her and see if the relationship could be salvaged. His and hers, that is - we agreed that our kids and I are off the table. I knew this would probably not go well but it's his mom and he decided to go for it. I think his desire to meet with him felt to her like she had the upper hand somehow because she really didn't seem to want to make their relationship work at all, and has literlt learned nothing in their time apart.

Here are the basics of the meeting:
They met for lunch, and According to her:
She may not be able to ever let 25th "back into her heart" because "he stole ds" from her

She and her 25th (also a piece of work) may never be ready to see me again because of how I insulted her, calling her toxic (not true, I said the situation was toxic but leave it to her to rewrite history and fixate on it)

Wondered aloud about how if dh had never married me, would this have ever happened?

Said that I do not have My dh's best interests at heart, that we have no savings because of me (hmmm, try ivf), she thinks we should have gotten divorced years ago.

Said our lawyer is wrong and doesn't understand grandparents rights and it's not that bad. Insinuated that we never actually spoke to a lawyer and,made it up. Lawyers fees were over 2500 bucks btw, so if anyone is ruining our savings it's her)

She walked out when she started up a crying jag and when she came back in was very theatrical about how she can never cry in front of him again. Dryer throughout meeting.

Told dh that her side of the family may never forgive him for hurting her and blocking them from our lives.

Launched into how I favor my family more than them (100% true actually,  I can't stand them)

I don't know what I'm looking for from this post. None of this surprises me, and I already know what we need to do - block her and move on. My dh has my back, stood up for me but still wants to salvage things with her somehow. I know thst won't work and eventually he will see that.  I guess I just want to relate with others who have these situations raging in their lives.

It's exhausting, isn't it?? Thanks for listening. ❤

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Endeavor

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Re: Bpd mil at it again
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 09:33:53 AM »
Not sure why but my phone auto corrected dh to 25th

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Ashes123

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Re: Bpd mil at it again
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 09:02:54 PM »
She sounds like my MIL. URGH. My husband has cut her off (hopefully permanently) but may at some time in the future reach out to her, although at the moment this seems unlikely. I think the thing that helped him the most was realising how settled and quiet  life could be without her, and thinking about it like she'll always be his mother but as a person she was toxic to our mental and physical health and the only way we could live our own lives was without her around. It definitely sounds like your MIL hasn't even tried to change her behavior look at things from your perspective and thinks she is still in control. As long as he can see the manipulation, guilt-trips etc for what they are, your husband seems to be in control which is a huge deal so well done him! If he does truly want to rekindle a relationship with her, he has to ask himself 'what will that relationship look like, what do i want it to look like?'. Will it just be shallow interactions, arguments, misery and stress? If so, is it really worth it? My DH realised long ago that any relationship he has with his mother is never going to be anything other than  being tricked, manipulated and verbally abused because that's all she knows how to do. Unfortunately you might just have to wait for your DH to see this on his own.  It's super hard but best of luck dealing with it all :)

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daughter

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Re: Bpd mil at it again
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2018, 08:44:32 AM »
Sounds like a repeat of what my malevolent NBM said to me years ago, after a brief time-out by me (at 45!).  I was blasted by NBM's long rant of self-centered rage, somehow intended to hoover me back into compliant enmeshment.  Yes, it back-fired, but also somewhat succeeded, because nonetheless, I resumed contact with my npd-enmeshed NBM, enNF, and nsis for nearly a decade more of emotional abuse, blatant disfavor, and overt disdain.  Not to degree of enmeshment and compliance I had provided before that brief NC time-out, but rather a sufficiently noticeable reduction on contact as to irritate NBM to behave even more badly, more and more, until I finally chose to be NC on permanent-basis six years ago.  Hopefully your DH "reads situation" with less optimism than me, and realize that even LC/MC Grey Rock approach will ultimately fail in maintaining semblance of cordial relationship with a vindictive malevolent pd-disordered mother such as ours, and saves himself (and you) from more years of stress and ordeal.
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 08:46:46 AM by daughter »