What is this behavior I keep doing?

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solongStockholm

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What is this behavior I keep doing?
« on: April 29, 2018, 11:57:49 AM »
Hope everyone is doing well. Sun is shining by me and hope it is shining brightly by you too. ❤️

I just recognized a pattern I have. Going to open up. Can anyone please share insight?

We went LC with covert/victim-playing NMIL/enFIL about 1.5 years ago. They see us and DD2.5 about every 6 weeks. It still feels often to me and I’d like to move toward every 8 weeks. However, right around the 4-5 week mark I start to feel anxious. I second guess, start coming on here more, watch YouTube videos about narcissists to re-validate myself, etc. The anxiety I think is coming from not knowing how to handle uncomfortability of the impending face to face “guilt trip”. The longer we go between visits the worse it is.... Although, each time NMIL does make a PA comment about visit frequency, I always handle it fine (non-response or “talk to DH”)... I still get this anxious feeling like I SHOULD schedule at the 5-6 week mark, even though I don’t want to.

Something maybe notable here is that I feel resentment that I can’t just “tell it like it is”. When I hear a PA comment (usually framed from a victim mentality) I just want to spill the truth...(ex., well maybe if you took accountability/apologized/etc. you’d see us more often) but I know that isn’t productive. ;) I guess I just feel uncomfortable with the whole she-paints-me/DH-as the perpetrator during our rug-sweeping visits and nothing is ever said to her. I’m growing tired and impatient with the rug-sweeping dynamic and me not being able to say anything when she plays victim and paints us perpetrators.

Advice on how to handle it?

Also, I did a good job with hoovering the pst few weeks. I received 4 hoovering text messages  (A LOT for NMIL as she had stopped trying to contact me for a long while) over the last 3-4 weeks. All very pointed questions...3 inquiring about someone’s well being only 1 of which I responded to and the last was providing me information and I just said “thanks!”. I’m aware of her intention with the texts and I do not think they impacted my feelings of anxiety because I always feel this impending anxiety w/ or w/o hoovering attempts.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2018, 12:03:29 PM by solongStockholm »

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SweetTea

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Re: What is this behavior I keep doing?
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2018, 01:45:37 PM »
Great work with the hovering attempts! I have done similar and have actually found using nothing but a smiley emoji gives me peace. It's like smiley guy is my Medium Chill emoji.  ;)

I realize my LC is not going to look like everyone's LC. I have to say your LC would be Very HIgh Contact in my world. To be fair, my uNMIL, enFIL, uNBIL and PD/Flea inlaw siblings all live out of state (for now!) But the thought of seeing any of them at an annual event can get my anxiety worked up 18 months in advance.

I think it is possible the 'should schedule at the 5-6 mark' is founded in Obligation and Guilt from FOG. It's not what you want to do, it's what you have been compelled to feel by NMIL. And the resentment you feel might not just be a function of 'not being able to tell it like it is,' but could also be resentment that you are still spending too much (unhealthy for YOU) time in the company of your NMIL.

Is it possible for you to reassess your personal LC parameters? Is there a reason you must see NMIL as frequently as you are? Again, it might just be me, but there are people I LOVE being around who I don't see as frequently as 5-8 weeks. Do you feel like you could redefine your LC as 'weddings/funerals/graduations only' LC? Because, I know, easy for me to say, but to me, the pattern seems to be that FOG is making you still feel compelled to spend time with your NMIL who makes you and your FOC miserable. I think what you're feeling is your body and mind rebelling at the level of contact you still have with the NMIL. Just my two cents!  :hug:

« Last Edit: April 29, 2018, 01:47:37 PM by SweetTea »
Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it. ~Ziad K. Abdelnour

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solongStockholm

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Re: What is this behavior I keep doing?
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2018, 04:35:19 PM »
Thank you Sweet Tea. I am hearing you.

I do think FOG does come into play around that 5-6 week mark.

I’ll talk to DH about it.

Thank you ❤️

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SweetTea

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Re: What is this behavior I keep doing?
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2018, 07:20:48 PM »
Thank you Sweet Tea. I am hearing you.

I do think FOG does come into play around that 5-6 week mark.

I’ll talk to DH about it.

Thank you ❤️

You're very welcome. I will likely need you and everyone else here to remind/encourage me of these same things in the near future as some of my DH's PD family is moving locally soon.  :stars: 

Take care of yourself, my friend!
Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it. ~Ziad K. Abdelnour

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Reda

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Re: What is this behavior I keep doing?
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 08:08:25 PM »
grey rock/medium chill is a gift you give to yourself.  you can't "reason" with a PD, so trying to be understood in a way that will have them accept responsibility for and correct bad behavior is NEVER going to happen. 
Don't feed the Narcissist

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Frazzled

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Re: What is this behavior I keep doing?
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2018, 05:57:22 PM »
grey rock/medium chill is a gift you give to yourself.  you can't "reason" with a PD, so trying to be understood in a way that will have them accept responsibility for and correct bad behavior is NEVER going to happen.

Indeed. It's quite unfortunate.