Finding my true colours

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BraveSheep

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Finding my true colours
« on: May 16, 2018, 11:28:11 PM »
Hello!
I've been visiting this site for a few years now, gathering the courage (and clarity) to write :)
It has taken many years to understand that my mother may have uNPD combined with some very strongly held unconventional beliefs that made growing up and individuating in a healthy way very difficult and confusing.  Someone called mine a 'high pressure childhood' and that really hit home.  Constantly trying to achieve the right things, do the thing, say the right thing, think the right thing - with the complication that the 'Right' thing seemed to constantly change.  Now I see that the only consistently right thing in my mother's world would be 100% deferral to her ideas and instructions at that specific moment in time and that is out of the question.

So...yay!  I think I can finally say that I am OoTF!  :applause: This has taken a lot of work but it feels so much better than constant confusion. 

And now the next part - stepping out of her shadow, following my own opinions and beliefs, and building trust in myself.  Which I'm finding nerve-wracking :-\.  I'm hoping I will hear some encouraging tips and stories from people who are a bit further on this path than me :)

p.s. thanks to the members and admin of this site - it's been so helpful during the hard times to know that I'm not alone.

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guitarman

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Re: Finding my true colours
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2018, 03:57:45 AM »
Welcome. You are certainly not alone.

I have a uBPD/uNPD sister and what you describe growing up with your mother perfectly mirrors what has been going on with my sister for many, many years.

It's so good to know that others have experienced similar situations.

We can inhabit a bizarre and surreal world that can be so difficult to make any sense of. Trying to rationalise situations that are irrational can be so stressful and tiresome.

We keep learning and healing on our recovery journey. You are surrounded here by other fellow travelers who are making that same journey along with you.

You are indeed not alone.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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BraveSheep

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Re: Finding my true colours
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2018, 09:34:11 AM »
Thanks for the welcome Guitarman :) 
We can inhabit a bizarre and surreal world that can be so difficult to make any sense of. Trying to rationalise situations that are irrational can be so stressful and tiresome.
That really sums it up for me.  This has been a puzzle I've been struggling with for years.  It's a tough road to walk alone, it's nice to have company.
Cheers
BraveSheep   




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Starboard Song

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Re: Finding my true colours
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2018, 10:17:41 AM »
Alone? You hardly have elbow room!

I'm glad you posted.

No, you are definitely not alone. And you are doing so well to know there is a problem.

My wife and I discussed this earlier this week. How, when we were first dating, and would drive to visit her parents, she'd go through this weird regression. She'd become a, frankly, mercurial and petulant teenager as we crossed Kentucky. But we didn't realize at the time that this was a hallmark of major dysfunction.

And it has taken time, and eventually we went NC with her folks, but things keep getting better.

The bizarro world we were in is now a memory. I posted earlier this week about the Two-Year Itch, when you sense that you are reallio, trulio, leaving that past behind you forever. We all have the power to do just that.

Helpful resources for my family are listed in my signature.

Welcome aboard,

Starboard Song
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason

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BraveSheep

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Re: Finding my true colours
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2018, 08:37:32 AM »
Thanks for your welcome  Starboard Song :) And thanks for sharing the resource details. I checked out Kristen Neff yesterday, so helpful :)