Room mate - false accusations and threats

  • 10 Replies
  • 622 Views
*

JollyJazz

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 705
Room mate - false accusations and threats
« on: May 17, 2018, 10:11:11 PM »
Hi All,

I'm wondering if you could give me some advice/perspective?

I've recently come to a new town, and so about a month ago I got a room in a new flat. I like my room, its peaceful and quiet and close to work.

Unfortunately the behaviour of my room mate  (who has the lease on the flat) has caused me some concern.

For the record I generally keep to myself, go to bed early, clean up after myself right away and am quiet. I also know this because other people I have shared accommodation with in the past who have remarked on how quiet I am too.

So anyway! One thing that did raise a bit of a red flag with me is that my roommate (we call it a flatmate here) criticises other people a lot. I remember wondering at the time if I would be a target for this at one stage.

She does have some health concerns, and has said that she needs to sleep 14 hours a night because of this, which is fine. I go to bed earlier than her (I work 9-5) and am often away on the weekends as well.

Anyway. She often sends text messages and emails to me when I'm at work about various things relating to the flat. I do find it a little bit invasive and odd. Sometimes its relatively mild stuff, like the rubbish collection. But recently she sent out a list of various things we should not do (to me and my room mate) and said that if we did/didn't do these things she would kick us out.

I don't do anything that she mentioned on the list. But I find it very heavy handed to make threats in that way.

I try and say hi every evening when I get in and ask her about her day to be friendly, and I would really prefer to talk about things face-to-face.

Anyway, so I came home from work yesterday, and popped around the corner to say 'hi' to my room mate and ask her how her day had been. She swore, and then told me she was tired, and asked if I got her text (I hadn't). She said that someone had woken her up and it can't happen again.

I did actually look at the text, and it was sent to both me and my room mate and threatened to kick us out.

I made no noise in the middle of the night- I was fast asleep and didn't even hear the noise she said was made! I don't think it was appropriate to just blame both me and my other room  mate in a blanket way. It could have been the neighbours anyway - sometimes they make loud noises.

Anyway, so I told her I did not make the noise, which she did not acknowledge and to which she just kept going on about how we couldn't make noise in the night.

I also told her I would prefer it if she could communicate with me face to face, rather than sending so many emails and texts. And to this, she just said it was due to her health problems that she had to send emails and texts. Frankly I find this hard to buy, as she seems to have no trouble talking the rest of the time.

I hope this was an appropriate boundary! I have had a lot of trouble setting boundaries in the past. But it really got to me to feel falsely accused, and threatened over something I didn't do.

It really gets under my skin to be accused like that. But also to have to deal with threats to be kicked out as well. I also notice that she didn't apologise at ALL for anything (another red flag). I also find she is quite loud and talks at me (rather than things really being a conversation).

I really just want to be able to peacefully coexist. I should probably look for somewhere else to stay. Its just exhausting when I've just moved in!

At the same time, I'd like to live somewhere where I am treated with courtesy and respect. I find it stressful and demeaning to be treated like this. I have enough pressure at work, and I would like to be able to live somewhere where I feel emotionally comfortable. I also find it a bit triggering, and it reminds me of my mother who would be controlling and critical.

*For the record, we don't really have leases in room mate situations here, which is an advantage.

Thanks for reading! Your thoughts are welcome :)

*

Thru the Rain

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 231
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2018, 12:51:43 AM »
I'm sorry you're going through this!

You may want to take a couple parallel paths here. Research what your rights are as a resident of the flat. Laws vary wildly from country to country, and even city to city. You may not ever need that information, but it could become very helpful if your flatmate does anything sudden.

And the other path - start looking for a new place to live. You never know - you may run into a perfect living situation and you can leave go your separate way and leave your grumpy flatmate to live her own life.

*

JollyJazz

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 705
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2018, 12:57:26 AM »
Thanks Thru the Rain. Yes I'm going to start looking out now!

To be honest I think her threats are mainly about control/venting/lashing out. I don't think she'll actually follow through on it. But is still not nice to be in that kind of environment. Especially when I get blamed for things I am not responsible for!

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2032
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2018, 07:18:34 AM »
Oh Jolly! what a pity you had to find such a room mate! As if the universe was challenging you and testing if you really can stand up to your mother...I agree, if might be a good idea to start looking for another place. You could also stop trying to be friendly with her and practice your medium chill and grey rock. In the noise situation, another way of handling is, you agree with her, "yes, that is terrible. I also don't want to be woken up during the night from noise. I don't know who could be so inconsiderate to make so much noise. Don't they know we need our sleep?" and then go on with what you were doing before.
If it is about control, you might be able to set boundaries that way. Keep us posted!

*

JollyJazz

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 705
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2018, 10:09:25 AM »
Hi notrightinthehead!

Thanks for your support! :)

Yes - I've decided to medium chill and grey rock from now on.

Its actually really cool - its Friday evening in my part of the world, I got a great workout after work and afterwards I just had the loveliest evening and had dinner with some lovely people. Afterwards there was this art show down by the waterfront with lights in the trees by the water. I came in feeling happy and I could just see her in the living room watching TV and looking sulky, she is kind of a recluse and is always criticizing people. I just felt kind of sorry for her. But I am still not going to let her get away with abusive behaviour - if she tries it again, I will be assertive again.

Hehe. I like your idea of just remarking on the noise. Looking back it was really bizarre that she just kept rabbiting on about the noise when I told her I didn't make it. I was fast asleep at the time! It really is just that need to lash out at someone, anyone. Not okay at ALL.

If she continues to send harassing texts and emails I will block her from my phone and email.

I will look for another place. And in the meantime, I'm just going to keep out and about - I am in a new town, so its really nice to build connections and keep active and socially engaged :) I plan to spend the minimum amount of time in my flat with someone who thinks it is okay to swear at me and treat me badly. Instead I will spend my time only with those that deserve my kindness.

I'm definitely going to keep up the boundaries!

Yes, will definitely keep you posted :)
« Last Edit: May 18, 2018, 10:13:51 AM by JollyJazz »

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2032
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2018, 06:44:35 PM »
Sounds like you are handling it well!

*

JollyJazz

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 705
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2018, 01:38:02 AM »
Thank you! :) :)

*

Wilderhearts

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 32
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2018, 10:54:14 PM »
I'm almost relieved that this person has shown their true, extreme, and extremely unreasonable self to you early on.  I think that's much easier to deal with than them slowly wearing you down and conditioning you to accept their violation of your boundaries, or them imposing their Rules on you.

I lived with an uOCPD roommate (the psychologist living with us alerted me to this fact), and she also had rules that we often did know about but would get raked over the coals for not following.  I just found this resource from OOTF which describes basically how an OCPD person functions in interpersonal relationships, and it was incredibly validating and on-point, and is basically a definition of what you just described:
http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.ca/p/crazy-rules.html

Like others have said, you seem to be handling things beautifully - good on you for not feeding her need for emotional energy.  I think it's a good idea you leave as soon as possible; on the link I just posted, and in my experience, things only ever go downhill, so it's better to just Get. Out. no matter how inconvenient it is to leave.

I hope you find a great home and great roomies!
WH

*

JollyJazz

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 705
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2018, 11:22:46 PM »
Thanks Wilderhearts!  :) That is a great article! Quite a laugh, but also a good reality check! Yes you are right – it’s good to know early what kind of people.

In the meantime have been just keeping out and about in the evenings and weekends – so I don’t have to interact with my room mate. It is actually working out quite well – as its good for me to get out and about and meet new people.

Thanks for the reality check – it really is good to have reminders of how inappropriate being treated badly like that is!

It definitely doesn’t feel like a ‘home’. I am looking for somewhere that does.

*

Sun

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 76
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2018, 11:02:48 AM »
I hope you find somewhere that is more comfortable,  JollyJazz!  It's appalling to be treated that way.

I found the OCDPD list quite an eye open. My husband was previously married to a woman with many of the traits. Some of those 'rules' have helped me understand why he sometimes quite anxiously asks exactly how I want things done if he is helping. (At least he used to a lot. Much less now. I am generally just grateful for a bit of help) Apparently he used to get into trouble a lot, particularly in regard to folding laundry.

*

JollyJazz

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 705
Re: Room mate - false accusations and threats
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2018, 10:04:35 PM »
Hi Sun,

Thanks so much for that :) To be honest. I am still at the same place, but I am looking for a new one. I just want to feel like I'm at home at the end of the day. In one way it has been good - as I've been staying active and going out and doing things on the weekends and evenings, which has been a great way to get to know people in a new town.

But I would like to feel comfortable when I am at home. So I am looking at a new place this week :) Thanks for the support!