Realizing uPD coworker reminds me of my uPDM

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DaisyGirl77

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Realizing uPD coworker reminds me of my uPDM
« on: May 18, 2018, 04:35:04 AM »
I've been NC with my mother for 2.5 years.  In the last 3-4 months or so, my coworker has started ramping up her behavior.  I am her target.  She believes she can talk to me patronizingly without consequences.  Our boss has talked to her about her behavior, which makes her improve for a while before going back to her ways.  A recent example is her commanding me to order more ink for our printer when this is her job, not mine.  Once our boss reprimanded her for trying to hand off her job duties onto me, she said that there was a rule/policy where the person to use the last ink had to reorder it.  I've been there for 2 years & I've never heard this.  In fact, I've been the person to use the last ink several times & I distinctly recall her saying she'd order more.  She finished it by saying she wished I'd just asked her for clarification, when her original tone was "Do what I say when I say it because I said so.  Don't argue with me."

This past weekend, I had a dream about my mother in which she said she wished I was there helping her make decisions on improvements to her house because it's something she thought I'd be good at.  In the same dream, I happened to be inside her house & Sis1 warned me that if I were to lock a door, she'd (uPD mother) would barge in as she doesn't trust me.  I was massively triggered when I woke up, & an hour later, I had an anxiety attack.  I was also in flight mode for half the day.

I've also had another dream about my uPD mother this morning.  I've never had dreams about her with such frequency.  I'm anxious because of this.

It's only now that I'm realizing it's my uPD coworker who's triggering me.  Anyone have any suggestions?
I lived with my dad's uPD mom for 3.5 years.  This is my story:  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59780.0  (TW for abuse descriptions.)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." - Anonymous

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Summer Sun

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Re: Realizing uPD coworker reminds me of my uPDM
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2018, 11:14:00 AM »
DaisyGirl77, Sorry you are being triggered and dealing with such a difficult coworker.  It can sometimes feel so overwhelming. 

My thoughts or suggestions are these, however, this is based on my own work experience, so take what feels right and leave the rest:

*  when she patronizes, orders, or uses tone unbefitting, call her on it directly, but calmly, politely, ie “it is not your position to order or direct me”, “your tone is inappropriate and uncomfortable”.  No not JADE.

*  This gives her the opportunity to correct her behaviours without supervisory interference. 

*  document the date, and note the situation briefly, what was said, how you responded. 

*  if the behaviors persist, take it to your supervisor with any documentation

*. Also, ask your supervisor if there is any team guidelines or best practises for team, such as communicating with respect etc.  Ask her to review in the group, and you should document this too, date, discussion points. 

*  If behaviors persist, go directly to supervisor, again, with all documentation.  This becomes a performance issue for your supervisor to deal with, with your coworker.

*  If you feel you are being harassed, or the performance issue is not addressed, check out whether your company has a harassment policy and be directed accordingly.

Good luck!

Summer Sun


"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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DaisyGirl77

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Re: Realizing uPD coworker reminds me of my uPDM
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2018, 05:38:35 PM »
Thanks, Summer Sun.  Our boss well knows her issues as they've been going on for the past 9 years.  I am not the only one who's had run-ins with her; past employees have & she's been spoken to quite frequently over the years over her behavior.  I don't know why or how, but she's still there considering all the disruptions & chaos she's manufactured as well.  I will try to implement your suggestions & hope she improves or, at the very least, I improve in my assertiveness as I freeze & run when she speaks to me in that manner.
I lived with my dad's uPD mom for 3.5 years.  This is my story:  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59780.0  (TW for abuse descriptions.)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." - Anonymous

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One

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Re: Realizing uPD coworker reminds me of my uPDM
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2018, 08:15:58 AM »
There is a coworker who has similar behaviors as my mother at my current job.  They recently promoted her!  She has always been competitive with me as I hold a lateral position to her.  I was once her target when our direct report delegated a role to me that she quality controlled.  Things calmed down once that role was taken off of me.  She's begun to ramp up her behavior now that she's been promoted by undermining me.  Claiming to not know my title or what I do and says these things to me in front of new hires (one of them quit after a day).  I try to stay away from her, but when she does something that crosses a line I never confront her and try not to react.  I just say something to our direct report.  As far as I'm concerned it's our bosses job to manage her bullshit, especially since they knew how difficult she was to deal with and promoted her anyway.  It's not my job to work it out with her.  I did tell my boss that this woman was telling new hires that she didn't know what my title was or what I did (I've been here 5 years) and basically talking my position down like I was nothing.  So she did address it with her like she's supposed to.

I should mention that I used to get along with this woman, but I rarely speak to her unless someone else is present.  The conversation always goes south if it's just her and I.  She'll say something cold and calculating or be downright mean.  I would avoid your coworker or ignore her when she speaks to you.  Whatever she does to you that is inappropriate, go to your boss.  At my job, EVERYONE was going to my boss complaining about this woman...EVERYONE.  Before they promoted her I actually thought it would have been more likely she'd have been fired.  After they promoted her, one of the girls that worked under her just stopped coming in.  She's that bad. 
« Last Edit: May 21, 2018, 08:23:16 AM by One »
There are none so blind as those who will not see.