An observation

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sonto92

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An observation
« on: June 01, 2018, 05:48:00 AM »
Anybody out there run into problems with kids constantly talking about things that go on at other pdís house? Just wondering if anyone has any experience with this? I my parents notice this when the kids come over. My kids engage in this ad nauseaum. Itís to the point where I just want to say enough already - I donít want to hear about all of the trivial things that go on over there. I took my son to the airport to pick up my parents and my son spent the entire 25 minute ride talking about stuff they do over there. It almost feels like they are overcompensating for their PD mom and their stepdad. Ignore it or address it?

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: An observation
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2018, 09:05:18 AM »
Sonto92, my ds (11) is I think younger than your children but my experience may still be useful.

I'm the boring, responsible mum existing on about a sixth of the income that my u/npd exH & his nwife enjoy.  They're the fun parents. They pay for the fun stuff and I pay for and attend to the essential, compulsory stuff like school and health.

Consequently,  ds has 2 completely different lives.

He finds it hard to transition back to life with me each week.

His current transition process seems to consist of him chattering happily to me about all he's done with his dad and then suddenly going quiet for about an hour.

It's like he needs to empty himself out of dad stuff before he can start on the mum stuff.

And he doesn't like mixing the 2 lives in any way.  Eg:  he's not keen on me attending his weekly sporting game as they happen on his dad's time.

I've always tried to be a listening ear for his descriptions about his other life as I want him to feel comfortable talking about it.  I hate it but he needs to feel that it doesn't upset me.

He is fed so much poison about me by his u/npd father and nsmum. I don't want to feed him poison about them, even though the temptation to tell him the truth about them is overwhelming at times. He's stuck in the middle enough already though.

So my suggestion is to let the children talk, say appropriate comments at appropriate times etc.  I think they'll appreciate it in the long run.

AOD

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sonto92

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Re: An observation
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2018, 01:02:26 AM »
Associate of Daniel - I had an appointment with my 15y/o son and our family therapist this last weekend.  I met with her one-on-one for the first 15 minutes to talk about several things, but one of them was this incessant talk about the "goings on" at BPDx's house.  The therapist felt like it was a boundary issue and it was being done on purpose to push buttons.  My 11 y/o daughter was waiting in the lobby while we were at the appointment and the therapist suggested she use the last 10 minutes of the session to talk to both of them about it privately.  The kids and I talked about this today - I am not sure if they are totally on board with it but I did say that when I make the suggestion to "change the subject" that is their cue to move on to something else. 
I have been divorced from my BPDx for almost 10 years and my struggle has been the same as yours - I want the kids to be comfortable talking about their mom when they are here with me as a part of a healthy relationship but it definitely bugs the hell out of me.  My situation is a little different - it's not talking about the exciting things that go on over there.  Most of the stuff they talk about is just trivial nonsense - "remember when we went to so and so's house with my mom" or "my stepdad knows this guy and worked on his house" or this "we went to go visit some random guy they know" - ad nauseum.  My son was trying to tell my brother (his uncle) a long story about "some job he did with his stepdad" and my brother is just to nice to say that "yeah I'm not really interested in hearing that story".  To me it almost feels like over-compensating - my dad (their grandpa) really felt like it was just a chance to push buttons - the therapist agreed - so we are going to try this moving forward - change the subject.