What to expect when they are away?

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Cascade

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What to expect when they are away?
« on: June 04, 2018, 04:27:21 PM »
It looks like my PDhusband will have to work away from home for several weeks over the summer.  While I'm looking forward to that time I also don't want to be naive about how peaceful that time might be. He is needy for attention and likes to make me worry about things, especially about things like other women. It's almost like he wants me to worry whether he'll be faithful or not while he's away. Not that he says that outright but still. Maybe he is just thinking out loud but then he should keep his thoughts to himself!

If you have had to be separated from your PD mate for a week or more, what type of PD behaviours have you had to deal with while they were away?

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2018, 04:41:10 PM »
My u/npd exH was away a lot during our marriage.  He used to take every opportunity he could to be away. He hated (hates) me so much.

When he was away I wouldn't hear from him most of the time. Towards the end of the marriage it pretty much got down to one text a day which consisted of one word: "(good) Night."  By the end there was basically no word at all.

Ironically I hear more from him these days when  he's away holidaying with his nwife than I ever did when he was away during our marriage.

His pdness ramps up during holidays. It always has.

They are currently away on a 3 week cruise...

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notrightinthehead

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2018, 07:29:44 PM »
Yep same here. Never heard from him other than some orders for chores I had to do for him. I never thought about other women, just was so glad for the reprieve from the put-downs.

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Samuel S.

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2018, 11:59:44 PM »
My PDw was out of the country for 3 weeks. It was almost every day that I got a message about this or that, that she needed me to take care of. I didn't mind helping her. It was just minor stuff.

I suspect that when PDs are away, that they still need to be in "control" of us in one way or another. Making up stories about the possibility of other women is way out of line. Think of it this way. He wouldn't want you to be saying such things, if you were away.

Frankly, so much of what my PDw says is just to irritate. While it affected me a lot for a long time and a lot less now, it doesn't matter if she is here or there. I have become almost numb.

As for the time your PD is away, I hope you can enjoy it and do something you want to do!

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Spygirl

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2018, 12:41:50 AM »
All I can offer is this;
1.Peace
2.Uninterrupted sleep
3.Watch any tv movie I wanted
4.Did not have to meticulously clean
5. Eat whatever...


I used to basically have a vacation at home. :)

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Wild Lupines

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2018, 12:48:52 AM »
My NPD fellow has a very avoidant style so while he is away I can expect crickets. He likes me more when he is away. The more time we spend together the less he likes me, so any trips end with him coming back feeling great us about us. Which is pretty sad now that I type that out.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2018, 01:18:43 AM »
Often when he arrived home after being away he'd have his hands all over me almost before he got in the door.  Never mind the hour or how I was feeling or what else might need attention.

That was in the "good" days. Having been ignored while he was away it was hard to switch it on for him when he came back.

By the end of the marriage he pretty much ignored me when he came home and on occasion was visiting his girlfriend on the way home anyway.

I hope none of this happens to you, Cascade!

AOD

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Whiteheron

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2018, 10:37:19 AM »
Mine used to travel for work on a regular basis. He would call me each night and keep me on the phone for hours. He would insist I stop doing everything (dishes, laundry, eating dinner, etc)so he could talk to me, yet he would be ironing, unpacking, etc and not say a word to me, yet insist I need to stay on the line.

He would also call and drone on and on about phone calls I needed to make for him - phone calls that he could have made himself in half the time it took for him to explain to me exactly how to make these calls.  :roll: He would also schedule service appointments while he was gone, that I would need to attend to (because, according to him, I did nothing all day so therefore it shouldn't be a problem). Always giving me something extra to do that was *urgent*, even though I was either working full time, or home with the kids.

Mine used to joke about how he could have a secret life that I wouldn't even know about. How he traveled so much, he could have another family in another state.  :blink: His mom only reinforced those statements telling me "he could be cheating on you and you'd never know - maybe that explains why they (stbx and his dad) are always accusing us (her and I) of cheating."  I never believed her, because who, aside from me, would put up all of his cr@p?

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I just remembered something - he was always suspicious whenever he returned - asking me about details of each day he was gone, what I did, who I spoke with, what was said. One time he was scheduled to arrive home on Friday, but came home a day early without telling me. Scared the living daylights out of me when he walked into the apartment - I thought it was a stranger. I told him this and he then proceeded to berate me and tell me I acted completely wrong if I was truly scared and that I had put our 3 month old son in danger. Then he went and looked in all the rooms and closets in the apartment. I guess he assumed I had someone hidden away?  :roll:
« Last Edit: June 05, 2018, 10:41:52 AM by Whiteheron »
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2018, 11:32:52 AM »
Wow. This thread is bringing back a lot of not so great memories!

I have to say that u/npd exH's many and lengthy absences made it easier to transition to single mum status once he finally left.  He did me a favour!

AOD

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Whiteheron

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2018, 04:17:19 PM »
 :yeahthat:

I was already taking on the role of a single mom. When stbx arrived home it was like I had three kids instead of two. He even admitted he was the third child, he thought it was funny.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Cascade

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2018, 05:37:50 PM »
Quote
I used to basically have a vacation at home. :)
  This is what I am hoping for!

Quote
I suspect that when PDs are away, that they still need to be in "control" of us in one way or another. Making up stories about the possibility of other women is way out of line. Think of it this way. He wouldn't want you to be saying such things, if you were away.
Maybe I should say I hope the neighbourhood men won't start to flirt with me once your gone... ;D

Quote
Mine used to travel for work on a regular basis. He would call me each night and keep me on the phone for hours. He would insist I stop doing everything (dishes, laundry, eating dinner, etc)so he could talk to me, yet he would be ironing, unpacking, etc and not say a word to me, yet insist I need to stay on the line.
I hope this doesn't happen but it's entered my mind. And that thing about your husband saying he could have another family and you'd never know, that reminds me too much of my husband.



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logistics

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2018, 11:50:24 PM »
She would call at her convenience and her schedule. If I would call she would never answer. I was dealing with a sick child at the time and she couldn't be bothered.  That's how I get treated even when she is home.

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DancingRain

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #12 on: June 06, 2018, 08:44:08 AM »
Mine used to travel for work on a regular basis. He would call me each night and keep me on the phone for hours. He would insist I stop doing everything (dishes, laundry, eating dinner, etc)so he could talk to me, yet he would be ironing, unpacking, etc and not say a word to me, yet insist I need to stay on the line.

He would also call and drone on and on about phone calls I needed to make for him - phone calls that he could have made himself in half the time it took for him to explain to me exactly how to make these calls.  :roll: He would also schedule service appointments while he was gone, that I would need to attend to (because, according to him, I did nothing all day so therefore it shouldn't be a problem). Always giving me something extra to do that was *urgent*, even though I was either working full time, or home with the kids.

Mine used to joke about how he could have a secret life that I wouldn't even know about. How he traveled so much, he could have another family in another state.  :blink: His mom only reinforced those statements telling me "he could be cheating on you and you'd never know - maybe that explains why they (stbx and his dad) are always accusing us (her and I) of cheating."  I never believed her, because who, aside from me, would put up all of his cr@p?

***
I just remembered something - he was always suspicious whenever he returned - asking me about details of each day he was gone, what I did, who I spoke with, what was said. One time he was scheduled to arrive home on Friday, but came home a day early without telling me. Scared the living daylights out of me when he walked into the apartment - I thought it was a stranger. I told him this and he then proceeded to berate me and tell me I acted completely wrong if I was truly scared and that I had put our 3 month old son in danger. Then he went and looked in all the rooms and closets in the apartment. I guess he assumed I had someone hidden away?  :roll:

Did we marry the same man?  Maybe he did have a secret life- with me   :o

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zenagain

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #13 on: June 06, 2018, 06:02:34 PM »
Mine used to travel for work on a regular basis. He would call me each night and keep me on the phone for hours. He would insist I stop doing everything (dishes, laundry, eating dinner, etc)so he could talk to me, yet he would be ironing, unpacking, etc and not say a word to me, yet insist I need to stay on the line.

He would also call and drone on and on about phone calls I needed to make for him - phone calls that he could have made himself in half the time it took for him to explain to me exactly how to make these calls.  :roll: ....

.... Always giving me something extra to do that was *urgent*, even though I was either working full time, or home with the kids.

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I just remembered something - he was always suspicious whenever he returned - asking me about details of each day he was gone, what I did, who I spoke with, what was said. ....

Exactly - this is my ucovertNPDw....   She seems to always want to exert control over me by proxy while she was away - there were To Do lists, Urgent tasks, txts constantly about my every move (but not asking me about my every move - more so asking questions that might review if I am home or out of the house or with friends or even if I am just thinking about her) and lots of 'assignments' with our DS. 

It took me a while to recognize that I was more anxious when she was gone (because of all of that above) than when she was here - which was her ultimate plan.   Then I realized when I started to ignore her txts... and she started to answer for me in the 3rd person! (for example, if I didn't answer her about a random question, etc, she literally wrote my response for me and sent it to me in another txt, '"yes loving caring wife, I am thinking about you right now"' (not the triple quotes).   That was when I realized the control.

It doesn't work so well now a days since OOTF.   Ironically, she also has stopped traveling as much for work - even though her work conferences/travel have not changed!   Instead of an extra hotel night prior to a conference away, etc, she is staying home and leaving early in the morning or heading straight back (that's when she even tells me she is going) ...but all to get that last bit of control in there.   Ugh.... 

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Whiteheron

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2018, 09:12:58 AM »
Dancingrain - I shudder at the thought that there is more than one of him out there.

Zen - yes! the to do lists. As if I didn't have my own things to do. He acted as if my life stopped the moment he left town and I only existed to check things off of his list.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #15 on: June 07, 2018, 06:18:36 PM »
They feel some sense of ownership, as a result of objectifying the non.

They then want their toy to be thinking about them and engaging in activity centered around them and or for their benifit.

In the mean time they are draining every ounce of supply from different sources while away.

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Cascade

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2018, 01:10:16 AM »
My husband just informed me that he is coming home early, as in several weeks early! Sigh. There goes my nice relaxing summer. I wonder if the thought of not knowing what was going on here at home and not being in control was just too much for him?

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Samuel S.

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #17 on: July 12, 2018, 01:19:32 AM »
I hope you can enjoy the last days of not having your PD around! Also, hopefully, you have been able to gain your sanity from the stress that he has caused you!

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Cascade

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Re: What to expect when they are away?
« Reply #18 on: July 12, 2018, 02:39:30 AM »
Thanks Samuel, I know you understand. He's coming back late tonight so there won't be days left but I sure enjoyed the week that I had. I'm really disappointed not just about this but that he said he's not planning on working away from home anymore, so no more breaks in the future either.