Are there no pd DIL posts?

[tea-lady]

Hello, I did a search on posts regarding narcissistic entitled DILs and very little turned up. They are out there. I dont feel like posting but I am desperate for support. Its not all MILs surely. 

[Defiant]

Hello tea-lady,
You are right in your observation of there not being a lot of posts about NDIL's. I have wondered the same myself, and have often searched up toxic DIL's in an effort to understand the nature of these relationships strains and possible solutions for both sides.

From my observation, the online community struggling with toxic DIL's are mainly focused on ENDING estrangement and alienation from sons/grandchildren. That is the opposite goal of the "NC" method which is popular in dealing with PD parents/siblings/Ex's/etc. There seems to be so much adversity in going/accepting NC with PD children that the community flocks to estranged parent-only websites for support.

Not to say that wanting more contact is unjustified, but I see that the goals of a MIL and a DIL are entirely different depending on which side the victim is coming from. That is my opinion on why there may not be as many NDIL posts here.

I hope this helps
-Defiant

[Eggshell Walker]

Hello Tea-lady,

I posted a similar question in January of this year. The subject line is 'Help dealing with DIL' if you'd like to look it up.

[katherinicus]

Hi Tea Lady,
You ask a good question. I hope you'll allow me to think out loud for a moment about why it may not be as common around these parts.

I think it is trickier for me to determine, when I read someone write about a "narcissistic DIL" if the DIL is really narcissistic, or if she's putting up boundaries to being attacked. That may be the case on this board with others, because we've often had the script flipped on us when we've spoken up, and labelled the "problem". If you asked my PDSIL, I would sound like an absolute monster, and she, the poor victim. I'm not sure if it's genuinely selective memory/emotional reasoning where she blocks out her poor behaviour, or she knows better but needs to save face, but it's bizarre how different the two versions of events are in her telling.

She would make it sound (and I believe, truly believes) that I pull all of the strings with her brother, and that he has no issues of his own with her. 

That is why I'm always cautious about jumping onboard too quickly when I hear a DIL story, or a story about someone "ruining their son" when they are joining a family. Once a person gets married, if they're healthy, they "leave and cleave" with their spouse, and their spouse is their number one priority. It doesn't mean the family of origin is not important, it just isn't the center of the decision making anymore. If you attack their spouse, you, in turn, make them feel attacked, and some in-laws don't consider this. Hence the gut-reaction wariness when I first hear a mother in law complaining about a daughter in law.

That said, I of course know there are DILs who do have personality disorders who can be nightmares to deal with, and if that's the case, my heart goes out to you. After all, my PDSIL has had a MIL at one point, so it wouldn't surprise me if they've had issues. It's just that I always bring a bit of skepticism to the situation knowing that the leaving and cleaving process can be hard for some families, and daughter in laws are often scapegoated during this process. My wariness is simply because I know if others didn't also maintain a healthy dose of it when my PDSIL spoke about our estrangement, I would be way worse off.

But we're here to listen! Would you mind telling us more about your situation?

[all4peace]

I see it as a family system sort of thing.

DIL's marry into a family system. When that system is unhealthy, we can spend a lot of time and energy trying to differentiate our own chosen family from the unhealthy one our spouse came from. It is incredibly hard to marry into a family and stand alone against what can be seen as very toxic behaviors that we are afraid will impact our children. There's a power imbalance between a mother in law (matriarch) and the woman who marries into the family. There may be unspoken expectations for a DIL to fit in, but not necessarily for a MIL to accommodate her.

I also see it as a problem of intrusion versus protection, somewhat alluded to by Defiant.

I would guess that my uNBPDmil would be posting about ways she should be allowed into our family. But who can grant her access to my family except me and DH?
Whereas I'm posting asking for help about how to create safe boundaries in my little family so that we can stop being harmed by her. I can get help for that, since I am allowed to have boundaries in my own family.

I suppose she could post asking for guidance on how to be a healthier person, but at least in my case all the calm, careful conversations we've had for 20+ years with her haven't yielded much self reflection, and she still cannot acknowledge a single harmful behavior, and so she wouldn't find much help on any forum unless it was advice that allowed her to feel entitled to our family and empowered to continue to try to bust past our boundaries. And that actually IS the kind of advice I've seen given to people like her. When acted out, it causes people like me to feel terrified, violated and even more protective of my family.

Maybe it's a simple matter of biology. The DILs have the small children and are absolutely going to be in protective mama-bear mode. The MILs already raised their children and if they are unable to be in a calm, safe, respectful place of support and help, they are going to be seen as a threat.

I've got a great group of friends, so maybe that's why I haven't recognized a truly bad-DIL scenario in my life so far, but I'm sure they do exist. For sure abusive, psychotic, addicted women become wives and mothers, and I can only imagine the pain that their MILs would feel. My own M was a violent and abusive wife and mother, but her MIL was far worse so my M didn't get the wrath of her MIL. If she had a healthy MIL, then I imagine my M's behavior would have been appropriately troubling and unsettling for an actually healthy MIL.

Just my thoughts.

[katherinicus]

all4peace, you explained the power imbalance very well. It was something I wanted to articulate, but couldn't figure out how.

[tea-lady]

Hi all, I don't know how to multi tag to messages of support, I thankyou all for your experiences  expressed and I really appreciate your insight.



I come from damaged stock, and carry scars still not healed. I have fears and anxieties of being abandoned by the family I made with my husband. I cut contact with my elderly uNPD mother and my 3rd eldest uNPSD sister 8 years ago. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do. My mother is still alive at 83 and knowing I'll never see her again weigh very heavy. I was the scapegoat and my boundaries are still blurry today with other people. I'm a softy and people work that out.

I have a 21 yr old on the autism spectrum. I have taken on a bigger role of supporting her to therapies and appointments all with the aim of  her striving for that independence. I'm in my 50's . Our govt in Australia passed a scheme for people with disability choosing how they want to live. This is our second year with the scheme and the govt grants us with 16,000 or so to help us pay for these programs, therapies, speech .etc  I do know that my daughter with her social deficits will come before others, they have the ability to work the world out, my daughter does not.

Last 2 years my daughter was at high school and before the disability scheme, things were somewhat quiet and I could give a lot of time to my 1st grandchild, and childminding. Future DIL was in honeymoon phase with us.

We had christmases together, birthdays, going out for celebrations, even holidays. What I don"t appreciate now is the blunt messages I get when I do offer my availability to help out when previously I said I couldn't. eg HI  I can help out if you like Tues and Thursday this week and she'll so no. I was asked by my son via text ' can you help out more than you have?' and I did, I even cancelled an appointment. I don't like when people think I'm not busy when I don't punch in a work card and get a wage.

When I ask how the 3rd pregnancy is going along and if alls good, I get 'I told you last week' I got told yesterday if you want to see 1st grandchild for birthday,  come at this time and be gone within the hour, we are heading out.

Now the disability scheme is in full swing and its wise to use it all and i have to explain to the govt if I dont. I've explained to future DIL that I cant look after the now 2 grandchildren because of the above reasons. I do look after them when I can. Now we dont celebrate together anything, when I'm called on its for child minding and not so much just being together. Child minding is hard work and my daughter is usually with me when I look after them and I know its overwhelming for her as she stims in the car on the way home from being around the kiddies.


Why can she not put her mind in my shoes for 5 minutes. I'm worn out. I totally get the matrilineal advantage. I'm the paternal parent grandparent. I get it. All I want is peace, respect and love.

I did write an unsent letter and I was harsh, but I'm devastated . I said some things, nasty things but its how I feel and I've never and will never speak my mind.
All I did say was 'no I cant' .  I always had in the back of my mind when things were honeymoon phase (new grandparents), how long is this going to last?

I feel criminal when I go away to the coast for a few days and she finds out., how messed up is that?

Is it best I keep my mouth shut if I still want some semblance of being a nanny to these grandchildren and at what cost? Its all very triggering to my past. When I stood up for myself  with uNPD mother and sister all the mental  emotional types of abuse became 10fold and then I had to let them go. Let alone the mental effects it also made me prone to psychical illness.

Do i let future DIL speak or text bluntly like she is, do I just ignore it.  I thought there was some type of unspoken power in saying nothing, but I dont know, maybe it equals compliance and consent.

Yes, in her mind I am horrid I guess, but then no one aside from my husband in my own family really understands the autism spectrum. I'm not superwoman. I'm tired. I've raised my kids and its still not finished - my daughter. I feel guilty about my unsent letter and fearing the judgement if readers here go on and have a look. It is an unsent letter and nothing like I am in real life. They are my observations. I was judgemental in that letter. Its not my business how they wish to eat. I feel bad. It was just a big old vent, one that I needed.

Feeling depleted.

[SweetTea]

I hear how very overwhelmed and depleted you feel. Hugs to you. 

"Do I let DIL speak or text bluntly...?"  Is she being abusive? Or is it that she's concisely expressing her boundaries? I ask because her boundaries may make no sense to you, or even to most of us, but just as you are entitled to your boundaries with no JADEing, so is she (and everyone else.) Sometimes those of us who were raised (or trained by a NPD spouse or in-laws) to feel bad for saying no, will also feel bad for being told no---because we are assigning *our* negative 'no' feelings to another person.

Where is your son (DIL's DH?) in all this? I hear a lot of anger/resentment at/with your DIL for your being taken for granted as a sitter, for the now limited fun family time with grandkids, but none for your DS. Is it possible that as a couple they have made their own decisions together that may or may not feel good to you?  Your DS should have some idea what it's like in your shoes, with his sister being on the spectrum, yes? He should also be expected to give you peace and respect, no?

Please don't think I'm picking on you. Feeling underappreciated, taken for granted, disrespected, are all valid feelings. I'm just wondering if, with your stress and exhaustion, it's easier (less uncomfortable psychologically) to throw your resentment exclusively at your DIL instead of being hurt by and frustrated with your son (who should be exquisitely aware how hard you are working with his sister and juggling all these balls to try to help him, his wife, and his children as well.) Is it possibly your DIL is herself feeling scapegoated as the bad guy in all this?

It's also possible she is PD'd, but I'm just throwing out other things to think about.

Your son is committed to his FOC. So my advice would be to try to be the MIL you yourself would want to have. Give what you want to receive. Peace, love, and respect. Assert your boundaries without JADEing....Respect their boundaries without expecting them to JADE. Assert your boundaries; "I'm sorry, I can't help you those days, I must take your sister/SIL to her appointments. I'm only available on X, Y or Z." If a reply to a (not nagging or intrusive) simple "How's mama feeling this week?' inquiry to DIL or son is met with a terse, "I told you last week!", a boundary for you could be to not accept rudeness to your kindness. "I asked a simple question, there's no call to be rude. I've got to run now, take care."

Last question: Is it possible that having children, the pregnancy, and prospect of now having 3 children is affecting your DIL and DS in a stressful way that might be another explanation to the end of the 'honeymoon phase'? I know my DH and I were infinitely more patient, tolerant, easy going, etc., before we were in the trenches of having babies and both of us working full time.

P.S. There is a possibility your DIL is PD'd. My brother's ex-wife was. But she was his FOC, so we took our step back as FOO, did our boundaries, bit through our tongues and respected her/their boundaries, gave DIL/SIL the benefit of the doubt (so hard!), and continued to love DB/DS. She may not have been our choice but she was his, and we had to respect that. (He's now happily married to a non-PD and having since woken up to how dysfunctional his former marriage was, now is retroactively amazed at the level of tongue biting he now knows we all did, lol  .)

[Moon]

It's really hard with text sometimes because there is no tone.  The tone is sometimes how you read it.  With the text your DIL sent you in regard to the birthday to come but be gone in an hour, they must have had plans and she was letting you know.  The other messages are blunt.  It does sound like your DIL is stressed with the young kids.  For all you know they are both playing up and she isn't reading or thinking about what she is typing at the time.  If your upset with your DIL you may be more likely to read something negative that's not really there.  And she's pregnant also - how many women get emotional and snappy when pregnant - a lot.  Try not to take it personally.  There may be stresses with this pregnancy that you aren't aware of.

You are not responsible for your grandkids and their care.  If it isn't working and you can't do as many days then this puts your DIL in a real mess trying to find alternative day care.  It may be time to sit down with the both of them and explain that you are too tired for full time care.  That you would love to help them out but can't manage it.  Work out a schedule that you can do and let them know.  Don't be guilted into doing more because it saves them money.  At the end of the day it's their household and their children, they have to manage this.  That's why it may also help to have set childminding days as your DIL may be taking her frustrations out on you when you can't help out more and that's not really fair.  If you can no longer do any child care then simply tell them, so they can plan accordingly.

It sounds like you are involved in their family life.  It sounds like DIL is a little stressed at the moment.  Perhaps a simple chat about what everyone needs at the moment may help.  You shouldn't have to feel bad about going away for a few days, you are able to get away and enjoy yourself and this is why you may need to let them know where you are at with what you can manage with childcare.

[solongStockholm]

Hi Tea Lady!

Just a heads up. The great majority of participants in this sub-forum are DILs who are frequently unfairly scapegoated as the root of IL problems. Speaking for myself, because of my experience with my very difficult MIL, I am pretty wired to mistrust a message such as yours. If others here feel the same, you may not get the support you desire.

You are welcome here, of course. I truly mean that. Just being transparent and upfront.

In regards to your situation, it does sound like you have a difficult situation to navigate. You have a lot on your plate caring for your daughter and trying to be a good support for your son's family too. Have you had a sit down with just your son to listen to his side in all this? Perhaps a sincere question (have I gone wrong? I'm confused.) and earnestly listening would open up some doors. I REALLY wish my MIL would do this. After this conversation, it may help to take a step back and check your expectations too. (I promise that's not an accusatory statement. Only sharing an insight from my own experience that may or may not apply to you.)

Wishing you peace.

[babbit]

tea lady I want to give you a big hug.
I completely believe you and I am on your side.
I think the fact that you are on this website and asking for help and the wording of your posts I believe you 100 percent!
I don't have a mother in law, she tragically died after a ten year long illness before I met my wonderful partner.
I have insight into your post. My uncle has learning disabilities and cannot look after himself. The care he requires is huge and is the equivalent of looking after 5 children energy wise.
When my grandmother died, he came to live with my dad and my mum and my sister and me. The toll that this 40 year old child took on my mother was unbearable even though we had a nurse come every other day. I was about 11 years old at the time.
Yes daughters in law can have a PD. So can sons, sons in law, brothers, sisters.. you name it.
Just because a lot of daughters in laws are being triggered by your post does not deny your reality.

My sister now has a PD partner and although my mother and father are not aware of it as they see both of them so rarely, I can imagine that my mum would be scapegoated if they have children by the son in law now that both his parents have passed. My sister has a shocking attitude to my mum and he would likely to be worse.

My advice would be to speak face to face with you DIL and son. Texting is a bad way to communicate. If you speak to them honestly and sincerely about your needs and concerns then as long as they don't have PDs then they will appreciate it and then can be encouraged to speak up their own needs and concerns and hopefully you can come to an mutually beneficial arrangement.
Does the DIL have any family? Shouldn't they be mucking in with this too.
I have to say that your son stands out in this story. He may be jealous of the amount of time you devote to your daughter.

Look at the toolbox for tips. Remember to look after yourself 51 percent more than others, to take care or your own "messes" just as your son and DIL have to take care of their own too. Boundaries are not just for DIL but for EVERY solitary living soul!

Please come back on here to share. Others may be triggered by your posts and feel defensive/antagonistic towards you because of it but I won't be and there are others that won't be too
(Not hating on DIL here but right now tea lady needs our help! So we must show her the same respect and support to her as we would a DIL. PD are not selective who they inhabit)

I would just like to add something that you may find useful
"You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep another person warm!"

Good luck and God Bless.

Welcome to Out of the FOG and please come back soon.

[babbit]

I would also like to add a response. The reason why there are no posts until now (congratulations you are bravely one of the firsts and you must applaud yourself for taking that brave step)
The reason seems to be that there are more cases the other way around. Yes there is a common power dynamic that MIL could use and abuse.
HOWEVER I have seen a DIL bully a MIL in my family. It can and does happen.
It's a bit like domestic abuse of men, men don't talk about it because other men don't talk about it and so it stays invisible. Because society has taken so long to admit that yes, women can and do abuse men, the abuse of men has flourished.
Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse.
There are no hard and fast rules here.

Hopefully now that you've opened this dialogue, other MIL who have suffered because of PDs in FOO or because of PD DIL of SIL will be able to seek support and advise here without prejudice.

Sometimes it's enough to read "I understand" or "I believe you".
We call all relate to that.

[babbit]

Another thing that might help is to look into emotional flashbacks and triggering.
Your DIL and your son's behaviour may be triggering you into having an emotional flashback due to your past experiences that may not always be directly connected to what is happening in the moment.

If you work on emotional flashbacks so that you are in control of your own responses, you will then be in a better state, so that when PDs display toxic behaviour you will be able to cope and respond better to it.

It works! I am doing this right now! Knowledge is power but use it wisely.
I am done with anger and revenge now and looking forward towards peace. I even found myself showing my PD dad how to stick up for himself and create boundaries due to abuse from PD uncle!

Wonders will never cease!!

[all4peace]

Tea lady, I'm sorry for all you face. It sounds like you have heavy loads on your shoulders.

As I read through your post, a couple book suggestions came to mind "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, and "Anger" by Gary Chapman. A lot of pain and conflict can come into a family when family members aren't clear about their expectations, what they're willing to offer, what they're not willing for, and a lot of unspoken resentment can build up.

You are allowed to have boundaries for your life, regardless of what your DS and dil would prefer. Can you find a way to calmly and kindly define them?

Are you willing to seek out counseling to get expert guidance on how to navigate this difficult situation? You sound very tired and overwhelmed to me, and that's a tough spot from which to live. Hang in there.

[shutterbug1120]

Hi Tea Lady - Big hugs to you - can see that you are feeling really hurt, overwhelmed and exhausted.   You're doing the very best you can for your DD and I really hope that it works out well.  I cannot imagine how much is involved in caring for an adult child, and I'm sure its as emotionally draining as it is physically draining.

I can tell by your past, and your personality that you are a gentle soul.  You have likely been victimized by not just family but others you have met along the way, as tender souls often are.  I feel badly for you that you are now faced with another family member that you are not treated well by.   I know we don't get to choose our in-laws, and I have a close friend who has a DIL that is hurtful to her so I do understand and sympathize deeply with the perspective.

My Mother is a loving Grandparent, but is a free spirit that values her time and her solitude.  When I had children she and my father moved closer to me so that they could be near their Grandchildren, and she gives 1 day of her time/week to watch my youngest.   1 day was her boundary, and she was very firm with it.  She does not have an adult child with autism to care for and is fully retired, but she does not need to justify her desire to enjoy her life to me.  That's the way that it should be.     

It's my thought that perhaps this is both your DS and DIL - maybe it isn't, but I know that I have always been scapegoated (by my DH as much as anyone - because he doesn't want the heat!) as the one to make decisions regarding our kids when it comes to his family - though most of those decisions are truly his.  Our situation is a little different because I do have  an uNMIL and a potentially PD FIL, but the fact remains that decisions are often made by both parents.  Perhaps DS and DIL are not thinking of your side of things, or seeing your perspective about your DD, and feel resentful of your lessening availability.  Perhaps they are overwhelmed with the changes in their family and feel unsupported.   I'm not saying that is your fault.  It is, in fact, not your responsibility to care for their children, but I would still initially look for a rational explanation for the rude behavior.

How close are you with DS?  Could you have him over for lunch to discuss your feelings?  Have you ever talked to him about how your mother made you feel in the past?  Perhaps an honest, open conversation will help settle some of this.   Again, gentle and kind souls hate confrontation, so you may have been dreading/avoiding this - I know that I do!  But it may be the only way.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that things have a possibility this time for working out for you.  Noone deserves so many PD relationships in one lifetime, I am genuinely hoping this not another one you are going to have to deal with.

[Moon]

Babbit, there are no sides here.  Your post is a little irritating in that you assume DIL's on here are getting triggered and not supporting Tea Lady.  Uh no, I support Tea Lady and believe her 100%.

Why did I write what I wrote.  For starters Tea Ladies relationship was pretty good with her DIL in the beginning and now at the moment it has changed, which indicates to me that something has changed and this could be a couple of things.  DIL is pregnant and pregnant ladies can sometimes be really snappy and rude.  I have been horrified at some of things that have come out of the pregnant ladies mouths at work. Tea Ladies dynamics have changed, she has more responsibility now which means she can't help out as much.  This could be a simple communication breakdown where wires are crossed.

Also coming from a PD FOO myself I know what it's like to feel like everything is my fault and that people are coming down hard on me.  Sometimes my DH will say to me "why do you think that, I don't see that at all".  Perhaps TeaLady is being triggered by the change in her DIL and feeling like it's all on her.  That is why I suggested a chat to start with.  A chat that doesn't point the finger at DIL (that will only make her defensive).  A chat about where everyone is at, what responsibilities you have, what you can manage at the moment and what expectations your son and DIL have of you etc. Knowing their expectations will let you know if what they are thinking and what you are thinking is different. Perhaps things can be re-assessed.

If a chat doesn't work then yes, PD DIL's become PD MIL's.  A PD person isn't only limited to certain groups of people.  However this relationship started out quite nicely.  It seems like DIL may be struggling with 2 kids and being pregnant, not that she should be taking that out on you, but it could explain the negativity you are receiving from DIL. What I'm trying to suggest to Tea Lady is to take a breath, don't take anything personally, take another breath and have a chat.  Then take it from there. 

I do understand that some DIL's are absolute horrors.  My friend has one.  However she started out a horror.  I'm not saying it always has to be like this however it seems like there are a lot of changes around how things have been run and perhaps an honest conversation about those changes may help.  I'm hoping so for TeaLady.

[Breakthrough]

I am on the boards as a DIL of a uNPD MIL. I am quite sure her entire FOO are somewhat disordered, there are definitely grandiose ideas of themselves. There is definitely the power differential and the mama bear dynamic for sure but I don't think you should be afraid to post.

I sounds like you are in a tough situation with your daughter still being dependent as well as wanting to spend as much time as you can with grand kids. I do not trust my MIL alone with my kids because of some past instances and my parents are too old and frail to manage my kids, though my mom is really helpful with meal prep. She is only around a few months a year but it is very nice for me when she is here.

I think your DIL is probably quite exhausted during pregnancy and may be some of the social graces and consideration are waning. I found my MIL was absolutely exhausting to be around during my pregnancies, but she wasn't helpful and only created more work for me. A MIL who offers babysitting and is so kind as to rearrange her schedule, that sounds very kind and considerate of you. They may just be tightening up times for family get together so that she can manage them, I found it was a lot of work while pregnant having company. I think it might be boundary setting, but you should also set boundaries, and not say yes if you can't do something willingly without feeling worn out. I think there is where the problem lies, you need to look after your needs as well, and should not feel guilty for going on a vacation. I think you'll feel less angry and resentful if you look after yourself a bit more. Then you'll also have more patience when the replies and visits are short. You do already have a lot to manage with your own daughter and I think that is quite hard on you, so many things you want to do for others. Remember to take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about it, you need to do so in order to look after all the other people in your life as well.

[katherinicus]

tea-lady, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through.
You are under no obligation to take the children; many parents make it without constant assistance from grandparents (my sister who lives in another province, for example), and any help should be considered a bonus. My parents will go up a few times a year to babysit, but they often go months without a date. My own parents were in the same boat.

I'm sorry you're being treated that poorly. Pregnant or not, I think she should address you with some respect, especially given that you do help when you can. I do think there is value in addressing the specific language, and the fact you feel worn out. You have a right to set boundaries.

I know whenever I have a child, it will be on me and my husband to raise them; and if my parents contribute, it's a bonus. But it isn't a requirement. They put in many years with me and have earned some time to enjoy their lives. I know they WOULD step in if I were having a hard time, but it isn't an entitlement, and I feel annoyed when I see some grandparents being guilted into a second parenthood.

I may have had my issues with my in-laws, but from looking at this, I do feel that all of these feelings are valid and worth talking about.  I agree, it shouldn't all be put on the daughter in law, but she can certainly make a better effort to be cordial with you.

[openskyblue]

As someone who has two adults on the autism spectrum in her family, I can understand your weariness. For most of us who have kids, they grow up, have their own families, take care of themselves. But this is not always the case with children with a long term cognitive, neurological disability like autism. In my family, we have one member who is non-verbal, unable to live alone or work and will need 24-7 care for the rest of her life. Even with social services and group homes, an enormous amount of stress and pressure remains on parents and families. My heart goes out to you, because I know how hard it is to carry this.

Having read your story, I'm more worried about you getting the help and services YOU need to carry on. Are you getting relief, time for self-care? Can you get away on your own and recharge? Is there anyone in your home who helps out with your daughter? For us caregivers, we default to taking care of everyone else and forget or push away our own needs. It's so important that we get time and space to recharge and rest.

Babysitting with an adult autistic person (especially when they are stimming and/or set off by things out of their normal routine) sounds stressful in the extreme. If you are going to babysit your grandkids, it might help you and your DIL if you could do so without your daughter present. That way, you'd be able to give your fill attention to your grandkids -- and be able to enjoy your time with them.

[tea-lady]

I sincerely appreciate all these posts and its good to see all perspectives. I may ask moderators to put in a sub category. So others feel brave enough to post in there. Even though this category does say PD In laws is mainly the opposite for me and others I'm sure. I feel like I am a bucket with too many holes and can over feel the emotions of others.

I essentially feel hurt that my husband and i are being treated completely different to when I was more available with my time and  before I started to decline what I need to. eg. going guarantor for 10k loan, she's admitted no lenders will lend her money. Bad credit rating. Admitted to shopping addiction. She adores money but does not value it.
She got her partner my son to ask to live with us for 5 months via a text. I know without a doubt in my mind I would have been mothering 4 people plus my own lot. Then theres taking my daughter to many programs and therapies funded by the government.


I see so many triggers in her that remind me of  the people in my family of origin, that I had to cut out 8 or so years ago I am so raw and sensitive to it. I cant even have a real conversation with her about whats going on. The way I feel needs to settle. I feel out of any focus and reality around her and undermine myself. She knows about my no contact with my mother and sister and why.

I do have a bond with those 2 little girls and they squeal nannie at the door when I visit  My son visited last week with the 2 girls to wish Pa happy birthday, My son said he was sorry he had no gift. I told him that he and the girls were more precious than any thing or object namely gift. He and his girls were the gift.  We also enquired after his partner and said it was nice time for her to get extra sleep and bonding with the new baby.

I dont know if talking to our son is such a good idea, to get the general feel of this way we are being treated by his partner. I dont want him to feel the pressure of keeping this from her, I also dont want this to blow out of control from her.

Went for a new visit with psychologist and she did say not to let sons partner see my anguish. Only perhaps if I can let them know why I cant and that I love all equally. These little grandchildren have one set of parents and 3 sets of grandparents. My daughter has me and her dad.

I also asked psychologist if its wise for me  to ask future DIL in advance if this year they aren't coming again for Christmas meal to let me know early so we aren't waiting around not knowing where we stand. She said not to hand it all over to her, because future DIL will say, see theres another reason we don't have to go now.

I feel inadequate that I am unable to articulate separately to each person giving me their time to support me. I find it difficult to express and get to the point without going on too much. I feel tired and like I weigh a tonne, I'm spent. When I try to sum up the energy on how to be grateful  and reply I get confused and like my thoughts are a million at a time and in a tornado.

I've read every word and these have sunk deeply into me and I have been within over them. I just feel relieved that I can be understood or not understood but heard. I did read some where that a side effect of living with personality disordered folks can leave a result of feeling like a sponge or a bucket with holes with other peoples emotions. I'm not sure if this fact can be undone . I try to get to gym for 30 minutes 3 times a week and talk with 2 other ladies for chat  but my daughter is usually with me as we are on to other things for her later after the gym. I guess thats my recharge time in that.

tea-lady